I need liquor. Seriously. My heart has been pounding since that kiss and it won’t slow down. The constant adrenaline rush is making me frantic. I want to run, scream, and dance all at the same time. Manic laughter tries to bubble up from within me, but I grip my hands together and twist, trying to force it back down.
Bryan, on the other hand, seems completely cool and collected. We’re laying on the lawn behind the mansion at the Bayard Cutting Arboretum. There’s an enormous grassy field that stretches from the back of the house all the way down to the water. Lavish houses line the opposite shore, but none are as large as this one. It’s one of the oldest homes in the area and it was turned into a state park before I can remember. There aren’t many people outside today, it’s a bit too brisk, but Bryan doesn’t mind and neither do I.
We lay in the grass, side by side, and stare at the sky. Bryan’s hands are tucked behind his head revealing the toned body that I used to know so well. But he’s older now and the lines of his chest and waist have changed. Rather than growing softer, he’s become more angular with a trimmer waist. The muscles in his arms curve perfectly. The thought of having those arms around me flashes through my mind, but I swat the thought away. Eventually, he’ll stop playing and demand what he wants, but for now Bryan is content to stare at clouds and pretend we’re friends.
After a prolonged silence he confesses, “When I was a kid I wanted to live here. I thought I could buy this house.” He laughs softly and glances over at me. “That was the first time I learned that some things can’t be bought.”
I don’t respond because his admission gets under my skin. Apparently he can’t buy a house, but he can buy me. I press my lips together and stare at a cloud that’s all fluffy, curvy lines.
Bryan’s eyes are on the side of my face, but I don’t look at him. When I do, I get lost in the depths of him and only see what I want to see. I wish so badly that we remained friends, but things didn’t turn out that way, and now here we are, with me plotting to get even with him on the lawn of one of our old hang outs. Yeah, we were weird. Bryan and I used to walk around here when we were together. The only other people around are the elderly and flocks of geese and ducks that reside down by the water.
When he looks away, Bryan takes a deep breath, and asks, “Why’d you write it about me? I mean, you could have written anything you wanted about any of your lovers and you chose me. I want to know why.” He has trouble asking the question. The way his voice comes out tells me so.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Besides, I already told you. It wasn’t meant to offend anyone.” Screw that, it wasn’t meant to be seen by anyone. I have horrible luck. For every good thing that happens, three more sucky things pop up at the same time. Bryan is a clusterfuck of payback for my good fortune.
I steal a glance his way when he doesn’t answer. His dark lashes are closed and he’s breathing deeply, like my response pained him. When his eyes open again, he sees me. Bryan rolls onto his side and we’re nose to nose. “I don’t care if this whole thing blows up in my face, it’s worth the price.” I say nothing as my pulse pounds harder and his lips draw nearer. His emerald eyes dip from my gaze to my lips and back. In a low voice he says, “Pretend you love me. Kiss me, Hallie… Just once.”
Those words take hold of my heart and rip it from my chest. How can he say things like that to me? After everything we’ve been through, after the way he’s been treating me. I steady my voice, not trusting it to come out as sternly as I need it to. “You have no right to say things like that to me.”
“Don’t you wish for things, Hallie? Don’t you dream of second chances?”
He’s plunged a dagger into my heart and is twisting it. I might as well be the thief from last night because his words are killing me. I realize what bothers me most about all of this and it’s crippling—I never stopped loving him. It didn’t matter that we parted ways and never spoke again, my affection didn’t die. It’s still there, burning bright and he knows. I can’t protect myself from him, I’ve never been able to mask my emotions from him.
My words turn to ice and I steel my voice, “There is no such thing as a second chance. Ask my mother or my father—whoever he is. Ask the man who adopted me and spared me from so much for so long. Ask me why I don’t wish or want anymore. Ask me Bryan.” But he doesn’t. Instead, he just stares at me with his lips parted, surprised. “Dreams are poison. They turn to dust too quickly and infect every part of your life like a cancer that can’t be stopped. I refuse to waste my life looking backward Bryan. There’s nothing there for me, so tell me why we’re reliving the past? Why’d you bring me here?”
Bryan rolls onto his back and breathes. He watches the sky for a long time before taking my hand, and weaving our fingers together. I want to pull away, but it’s not because I don’t enjoy his touch, but the opposite. Every caress of his skin on mine leaves me craving more.
“Do you hate me?” he finally asks. When I open my mouth to respond, he adds, “Tell me the truth. I’ll know if you’re lying and I don’t need more lies—not from anyone, especially you.”
His hand remains holding mine. My first response was to say I don’t hate him, but I don’t know him anymore. “Bryan, I don’t know what to think—of you or this. It seems like you wanted to be with me again, but then I don’t understand why you—” My words erupt into a shrill scream when I feel something cold and sharp dig into my ankle. I dart upright, shrieking.
Bryan copies me and looks around for the source of my outcry. A big fat duck is standing by my foot and staring at me like I’m insane. It’s right next to me and I had no idea it was there. I’m hysterical and practically crawling my way onto Bryan’s lap as the beast honks and steps toward me.
Bryan doesn’t know what’s happened, but doesn’t push me away. His arms close around me and he asks.
“It bit me! Get away!” I’m yelling at the duck and kicking my foot at it.
“Seriously?” He smiles and looks between me and the overly affectionate animal.
“Yes! The fucker frickin bit me!” A few old ladies on the patio gasp at my language, but the duck stands there, licking his chops like he wants more. Frantically, I gesture to my leg and stutter out more phrases, most of which are totally incoherent.
“Calm down. Let me look at it.” Bryan tries to pry me off, but I can’t let go. That monster is still there, waiting to eat my leg off. I cling to Bryan, digging my nails into his shoulders, and refusing to release him.
I shake my head furiously. “No!”
“Okay, okay,” he says softly, not trying to put me down. Somehow he manages to get to his feet and carries me to one of the lawn chairs. The duck stays where we were laying and stares at me, blinking it’s beady black eyes. “Let me see your ankle.”
I pull up my jean leg and expect to see mangled skin, but there’s not even a mark. I blink, not understanding. “But he bit me.”
One of the old ladies on the porch is close enough to hear me. She says, “That one is too friendly for his own good. He gave you a little love bite, that’s all.” She’s trying not to laugh, but there’s an amused grin on her face.
“A love bite?” Bryan echoes.
She turns to him and nods. “That one must have been a pet. He has two brothers and the three of them usually walk around like they grew up in a bucket, smashed together. My guess is someone got them for Easter and then dumped them at the river when they got too big. This one is too friendly. He wanders up here and goes into the house all the time. He likes her.”
I let out a shaky breath and don’t know if I should laugh or cry. “I got attacked by a duck.” I sound shocked.
“No babe, a duck tried to make out with your ankle. I’ll have to try that later.” There’s laughter in his voice, although he keeps the smile off his face. “You’re all right, you know. You’ll always be all right. You’ve been through so much and I’m sure you could kick that duck’s ass if you had to.” Bryan’s lips twitch as he says the last sentence, which is contagious.
Laughter and tears burst through at the same time and I can’t stop. Bryan wraps his arms around me and kisses my cheek before wiping away the tears. He holds my face in his hands and looks into my eyes. “The last thing I needed is more competition. Tell me, where do I stand compared to Neil and the ankle biter over there? He’s kind of hot, in a Howard the Duck kind of way. You’re not into that, are you? I’m only asking because it’s been a while.”
I manage to elbow him in the ribs and he lets out an oof sound. “No! I don’t do livestock!”
The old lady on the porch spews her tea and starts choking as the duck takes a step closer. My grip on Bryan loosens before I stand and then stomp my foot at the animal. A normal duck would have run, but that stupid thing just stands there and eyes my foot like it’s porn. Bryan laughs as the old lady mops up her table before her tea spills onto her friends.
“Come on, Hallie.” Bryan takes my hand and pulls me away. We cut to the path that leads to the parking lot. “It’s time to do something I’ve always wanted, but never had the chance.”
Distracted, I glance behind us. The damn duck is following, waddling slowly behind on the path. Two other white ducks emerge from the shrubs and flank him. “Yeah, and what’s that?” I ask not really paying attention.
He jerks my arm and pulls me close. My body presses tightly to his and he has my full attention. “I want to taste every inch of you.” The look in his eye and the way he holds me tells me that he means it. I part my lips to say something, but he offers another of those light kisses and I forget what I was going to say. The way his lips brush against mine is like a drug, clouding all thoughts, except one—I want more.