IAN

No matter how much times passes, the amount of damage done in a single moment can really ruin a person’s mood. Ever since I stepped into Clinton back in May, it’s like my world snapped back like a rubber band. Everything I walked away from when I decided to go after fame just came swirling back to me like a bat out of hell.

And now looking back at the time I spent right after I did my walk of shame home from West Haven in September didn’t help me figure things out any easier. It had taken about ten minutes, if that, before Dylan showed up at my parents’ house. Even though I’m not on speaking terms with my parents, I have no need to get another place. 

Dylan had started in on me instantly, going a mile a minute about our upcoming tour, about new music, and about recording. Everything I’d tried drowning out while on vacation. He heard the new song I wrote, although the delivery of it wasn’t as impressive without my connection to the inspiration behind it. 

Nonetheless, it’s a song that everybody wanted on the next album. Maybe the delivery wasn’t impressive, but it never changed the meaning behind the words.

Since our spat over the phone a few months ago, things have chilled out. The press went from name-calling with Kasey, to worrying about the love-sick singer of Relentless. In a way, they’re not wrong. They followed me around as soon as I left West Haven, documenting my mood. My expression. How I drowned out everybody. 

Dylan didn’t want me forgetting everything we ever dreamed of just because of some unrequited love. Despite how much time passed, it didn’t make things just go away. I still remembered, even though I didn’t want to. I still wondered how Kasey was doing, even though I didn’t want to.

I was just getting better at pretending. 

It made our last night before tour in Clinton resurface in my memory.

Dylan hounded me for an hour at Marty’s bar about what I even wanted to accomplish while I was away. Funny how somebody who had their own head so far up their ass could get a guy to flip the table in order to wonder the same thing about himself.

Because, in the end, I had no idea what I was aiming to accomplish in West Haven. I just knew that there was something I was missing, and retracing my steps seemed like a good idea.

Guess not every good idea works out though.

“Honestly, dude. What did you expect to happen?” he doubts. 

I shrug, nursing the beer in my hand. “I don’t know, man. I just wanted to see an old friend.”

“I call bull. Don’t lie to me.”

I eye him. “I’m not lying.”

“Do I need to sic Tess on you?”

I snort. “Why do you act like she’s a weapon? That girl has the bite of kitten.”

“Kittens have some sharp fucking teeth.”

I grin. “Listen, Dylan, Kasey is an old friend I lost contact with. Seeing Tess and Will the way they are, it made me curious. I wanted to see her. Catch up.”

“Did you think you’d get her to fall for you?”

I roll my eyes. “No.”

“If Tess and Will made you go to a different state, then catching up with an old friend is not the only thing you expected from it.”

“Why?”

“Because Tess and Will aren’t just friends.”

“Wow, thanks for the update. I was wondering why they sucked each other’s faces twenty-four seven now. Thought it was a new friend thing.”

“Don’t get any ideas, Wells,” he warns. He brushes his hand down his body. “I know this is attractive, but I’m not looking for love. Unlike you, clearly.”

“I’m not looking for love,” I grumble.

“You told me you wanted to feel loved.”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“You’re right,” he agrees, to my surprise. “But in order to feel loved, you have to find somebody to give it to you. And that doesn’t mean some cheap ass lay by a fan or roadie. You left the state for a chick, Ian. That doesn’t scream friendship. It screams desperation.” 

Eyes narrowing, I glare at him. “I am many things, dick face. Desperate is not one of them.”

“Then tell me why you want to be loved all of a sudden, huh? Not even a day after you admitted you were in a dry spell with music, you left to seek out a girl you haven’t seen in years.”

“Just get to the point,” I press dryly.

“You think you’ll find love and then suddenly find your muse again. Like that chick can be the person you need to put words to the lyrics. But you’re wrong, Ian. You’ve never needed anybody to make good music. We’ve gotten by just fine.”

I knew that wasn’t it, but I don’t bother telling him. Instead, I go with it. His own perception on love is nowhere near mine, so I don’t expect him to get it. He loves the attention, the fame, the hookups. We’re opposites when it comes to the fame and what it’s given us. 

“Our best selling song is practically a love song,” I point out. “Fans resonate with that. They feel it, and that makes the difference.”

He shakes his head. “So what’s your plan? Force yourself to fall in love for the sake of inspiration? It doesn’t work that way.”

Jaw ticking, I remain silent.

Before he can dig into me anymore, the door flies open and a familiar face walks in. 

 “Ian!” Tessa shrieks, practically running toward me. 

Dylan holds out an arm right before she goes in for a hug. “Hold up, princess. Don’t break the singer. We just got him back.” 

Tess smacks his arm away before wrapping her arms around my neck. It’s a quick gesture, then she pulls back. 

“You’re back early.” There’s a frown in her voice. 

“Couldn’t let myself break poor Dylan’s heart by being away from him so long,” I reply, wrapping an arm around Dylan’s neck and tugging him into me. 

He struggles against my side. “Quit it, man. If I’m going gay for anyone, it’s Ryan Reynolds. Not you.”

I snort in disbelief. “Reynolds? Really?” 

Offense pools on his face. “Um, are you saying you’re better than Deadpool? Can you honestly, with a straight face, say that you’re better than him?” 

He’s got a solid point.

I let him go. 

Tess shakes her head at us, her lips slightly parted. “How come if I say I’d go gay for Selena Gomez everyone tells me it’ll never happen, but you’re going gaga over Ryan Reynolds and nobody says a damn thing? There’s no way he’d go for you!”

“Hey!” Dylan protests. 

“Plus, he’s got Blake. You’ll lose to her any day,” she adds matter-of-factly. And who can really argue with her?

I’ve learned it’s better not to.

I pat his shoulder. “She’s got a point, man.” 

He sighs. “I know.” 

Tess seems to recoil from whatever train of thought she had, and then smacks me. “Tell me what happened!”

“Tess …”

“You’re back over a week early, Ian. That isn’t exactly good news.”

“We talked. That’s all that matters.” 

“About what?”

I pause. “Things …”

She glares at me, and I’m pretty sure she got that look down from her sadistic cat. “Details, Ian. Good? Bad? Both? Are you friends?”

Dylan groans. “Would you leave him alone, Tess? He just got back. At least let him settle before you attack him with questions that aren’t your business.”

I snort. “Like you’ve been doing any different? Jesus, if Tess wasn’t dating Will, I’d say you two would be perfect together.”

“Ew, gross!” Tess chokes out, nose scrunching in like it’d be the worse idea ever.

Dylan throws his hands up. “Is this bust Dylan’s balls night? I rather like my balls thoroughly intact.”

Marty comes over then, with a devious smile on his face. “It’s always bust Dylan’s balls night in my place. You make it too easy, kid.”

I slap Dylan’s shoulder. “Marty’s right.”

“Of course I am,” Marty agrees.

“And modest, too,” Tess giggles.

“You having anything to drink?” Marty asks her as she takes the stool next to mine.

She shakes her head. “I’m not feeling it tonight. Just heard Ian was back.” I can feel her eyes burning into me. “Because somebody didn’t bother stopping in to see me himself.”

“Somebody’s in trouble,” Dylan murmured under his breath, picking up his own beer and taking a sip.

Tess’s eyes shot to his. “You’re in trouble, too, mister!”

Dylan sits up straighter, suddenly aware of her tone change toward him. I find it amusing that a guy who is twice Tessa’s size is scared of her. But he’s right. Tess is strong-willed, and while her hiss isn’t loud, her claws are scarring.

“You kept him for yourself all day. Will said he saw Ian come into town this afternoon. It’s after five o’clock.”

“Thanks for the time update,” Dylan retorts, rolling his eyes. “And Ian and I had to talk business. You’re not part of it.”

She gapes at him. “Who does your social media managing? Your promoting? Helps with sales? It’s not Ian.”

Dylan puts his beer bottle down. “Well after the stunt you pulled with your damn cat, you shouldn’t in charge of it! I don’t care if you put a good deed to our name. Trying to piss members of the band off isn’t a good way to conduct yourself.”

“Dude,” I warn, “take a breather.” 

He grumbles something under his breath. 

I look at Tess. “Just tell us what you have planned next time, and try not to piss anyone off. Okay?”

“Ollie just wanted to be part of the band.”

“And he looked adorable, albeit pissed off, in our band tees,” I reply, smiling at her.

She smiles back. “He just has resting bitch face. You know that. Or, maybe you don’t. Whenever you see him your eyes get all puffy and watery.”

“I’ve seen plenty of pictures,” I remind her. “I think your photos on Facebook are ninety percent cats.”

“And ten percent mushy Will posts,” Dylan adds.

She scoffs. “I think you’re forgetting the pizza memes. Those take up at least five percent of my posts. Plus, I don’t post mushy stuff about Will. We’re not like that.”

Dylan grumbles to himself. 

I pat his shoulder. “Bite of a kitten, bro.”

“Screw off.”

I hiss at him.

Tessa looks between us. “You guys have a weird bromance.”

Dylan eyes her. “We don’t have a bromance.”

I hold my hand to my chest in feigned offense. “I thought we said we’d never hurt each other, sweetheart.”

Tessa snorts. Dylan grumbles again.

Marty comes back over to us, and looks at Tessa. “Where’s your man? The regulars want another show.”

Tessa smiles at Marty. “He says he’ll try coming, but his dad has been keeping him busy.”

“Well tell him to bring something new,” Marty goads. “Can’t keep having him sing those sickening love songs to you every time.”

Dylan snorts. “Why not? It gets the females riled up. Good business, if you think about it. During the last tour we did, we had women throwing their bras on stage.”

I smirk at the memory. “I don’t think Marty wants his bar to be considered a topless one.”

Marty grumbles under his breath. “Can’t have that. The town board will be paying me a visit about indecent exposure. I get an ass chewing enough from them.”

Marty has always gotten criticized for letting underage kids in here to perform. He never serves them, but it doesn’t stop people from complaining.

“I can’t say I like the idea either,” Tess murmurs, frowning to herself.

I can see the worry in her eyes. “You know Will wouldn’t pay any attention to other girls. You’ve got him locked down.”

“That sounds so … depressing.”

“I meant it in a good way.”

She shrugs. “I know. It’s just … we’ve been kinda off lately. It’s like the beginning stage of dating is wearing off, and now we’re trying to figure out where to go from here.”

Dylan groans, standing up. “I’ve heard enough about her problems. It’s your turn to catch up on the drama train that is Tessa’s life.”

She smacks his arm. “Stop pretending like you hated my company. You and I both know that I’m awesome, and you love that about me.”

He rolls his eyes. “You wish, Freckles.”

“Hey now,” I warn. “That’s my nickname only.”

He sighs. “Get over it, Wells. I’m too tired to think of a new one that’s appropriate right now.”

“Since when do you care about what’s appropriate?” 

He shrugs. “Just don’t feel like seeing her claws come out, man.”

I snort, watching him walk away.

Tess looks at me in confusion. “Why does he always make cat references about me?”

I eye her. “Is that a serious question?”

She thinks about it. “Good point. Forget I asked.”

I finish off my drink. “You were going to tell me about your man troubles. I helped you once before. Maybe I can again.”

She waves it off. “It’s stupid. We’ve just been busy doing different things. It’s like when I’m free, he’s not and vice versa. Or when we’re both free, we can’t agree what to do. Being with him is exactly what I want, but it’s different now.”

“Well sex is involved, so of course it is.”

She smacks my arm. “Not what I mean. I mean, yes, obviously that’s a big difference. I’m just … I don’t know.”

I flick a strand of her hair. “You’re in your own head. The more you think, the more you worry. Why can’t you just let things go as they are? Go with the flow, so to speak. It’s better than overthinking and then freaking out like the world is going to end.”

“I’m not freaking out. I’m just pointing out that things have shifted with us.”

“You just started dating a few months ago, Tess. You’re still trying to figure out how to work together in ways that you didn’t need to figure out when you were friends.”

She stays quiet.

“Believe me, I get it.”

She perks up. “Are you going to tell me what happened with Kasey? Or will I have to guess? Because my imagination runs pretty wild, so you might not want me guessing.”

I know what she’s capable of coming up with, and even the possibilities make me cringe.

“Turns out our families had a lot of drama between them, and it’s why my parents moved here,” I explain, trying to act like it’s not a big deal.

But it is. It is because neither of my parents told me the truth. They wouldn’t let me stay in contact with my best friend, which ruined my chances of being friends with her again.

That, and the fact I slept with her.

I don’t think about that, because being rejected right after isn’t one of my finer moments. Certainly won’t go down in my top three favorite moments.

The way Tess looks at me with her annoying puppy dog eyes tells me that she won’t let it go until she hears the whole story. So, as cringe-worthy as it is, I tell her everything. I leave a lot of the details out, especially what happened between Kasey and I, but she gets the general idea. 

Enough so where she gives me a hug and buys me another beer. Not that I drink it. I know better than to drown my sorrows in a bottle. I watched my father do it on and off, not that I ever understood why.

Guess a lot of things make sense now.

“You should talk to your mom,” she suggests.

I wince at the suggestion.

“You can’t hide from her.”

“I can try,” I grumble.

“You came here earlier than you were supposed to,” she reminds me. “You live with your parents.”

“I’m staying with my parents.”

“Whatever the proper terminology, you can’t avoid her, Ian. You’re upset, and I get why. But you should talk to her about things. See why she hid it from you. Talk to your dad. He didn’t do anything bad.”

“He didn’t tell me.”

“He probably didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Well he did. They both did.”

She nods. “So what are you planning to do? Never talk to either of them again? They’re your parents. They love you, and you love them. Think about why you’re really angry. I mean, you’ve still got a family. They’re together. They haven’t been fighting. If they can move on from that, can’t you?”

I stare down at my unopened beer.

When did Tess become the voice of reason? The thought scared me.

“You know I’m right,” she teases, jabbing me in the side with her finger.

I smack her hand away. “I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m not going to avoid them forever, but right now it seems like the best bet. Maybe after tour I’ll have a heart to heart, but it’s too soon. Kasey just told me the truth.”

“What about their version?”

“You think Kasey’s lying?”

“No, but there are always two sides to a story. Your parents obviously thought it was better not to tell you the truth, so they must have a reason why. Kasey is upset because her family isn’t still together like yours, and I can see where she’s coming from. But her view on this is going to be completely different than your parents. Do you really want to wait for six months to get the truth from them? A reason?”

The beer in front of me is becoming tempting, but I ignore my desire to just let go of the crap that’s weighing me down. 

“I’ll think about it, okay?”

“And what about the Kasey thing?”

“What about it?”

“Are you just going to let her stay out of your life again? You were just as broken up about not seeing her as she was. Her consequences were just different than yours, so you dealt with it differently.”

“You’ve got to stop sounding smart,” I tell her, shaking my head. “It’s giving me a complex.”

“Hey!”

I chuckle at her offended expression.

“All I’m saying is that you should fight to be in her life if that’s what makes you happy.”

“She has Jake.”

“So? I’m not saying date her. I’m saying be her friend. Reach out. Call. Email. Fax.”

“Fax? What decade do you think this is?”

She narrows her eyes. “Don’t judge me. Just admit that I’m right about this. You wouldn’t let me give up on Will when I thought it was over for good. So why should I let you give up on Kasey?”

“You and Will don’t have a twelve-year gap of missed time between you,” I point out dryly.

“No, we don’t. But we have something worth fighting for, just like you and her do. Be her friend, Ian.”

I want to remind her that it may be tough to do after sleeping with her, but if I say that she’ll feel the need to argue. Or demand more details than I gave her. I’m not in the mood for either of those things to occur.

“You have to at least consider it,” she urges. “I mean, I suggested you make her dinner, and it sounded like that made her very, very happy.” 

I let the memory fade, still a reminder that I never took her advice. It isn’t bad, but not something I want to pursue just yet. I know better than to rush anything. Maybe I’m not ready, or maybe I’m telling myself that Kasey isn’t. 

Either way, my mind needs to focus on the tour we’re on. What comes later will have to wait.

I hear Bash call my name, and I know we’re going on soon.

I look at myself one last time in the mirror, trying to decide if I like what I see. I don’t give myself an answer before making my way out to the stage.

Another night. Another concert. Another city. One more closer to the end.

That’s when I know that the flame that used to live inside of me flickered out.