KASEY

A long shower helps clear away more than just the ice cream sticking to me. It helps me clear away the feeling of Ian’s arms around me, the butterflies in my stomach, and the hope forming in my chest. 

Ian Wells is leaving. Again.

And how dare he kiss me knowing he’s leaving—knowing that this has to end? It isn’t fair to either of us. 

The snarled knots in my hair only helps the irritation inside of me grow, but at this point anything could piss me off. That’s why I hate putting myself in situations like this. 

Lunch would have been more than lunch. It would have been wishful thinking that the boy I once knew would be there for me like he used to. Like he promised. Being at Pop’s only threatened to ruin everything, and it was my fault to even think it’d become something more. 

Too lazy to blow dry my hair, I put it up in a messy bun and threw on a pair of sweats and an old T-shirt, then began doing what I always do when I’m upset.

I read. Since Taylor isn’t here to read Harry Potter with, I opt just to grab my Kindle and dive into some world that isn’t mine. Hell, I’d rather be in the Hunger Games than this reality, and that says something. 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. 

I throw an afghan over myself and burrow into the couch, trying my best to realize that throwing a pity party won’t help. Ian didn’t do anything bad. He just made me remember, and remembering means having to relive the past again. 

 He may not have to worry about the past, or the outcome of his choices for the future, but I do. I can’t afford a distraction, or afford to be influenced by him. More than anything, I just want to stay focused, and he won’t let me do that if he continues to butt into my life.

Some time later my body is being shaken, and I’m snuggling deeper into the cushion to avoid whoever is doing it. It’s been forever since I’ve been able to sleep during the day, and I have no intention of letting anybody stop it from happening. 

But then I realize that nobody besides me should be in my apartment.

I bolt up, swinging my arms, and smacking Jake right in the face. I lose my balance and fall off the couch as he stumbles back, tripping over the coffee table on his way. He lands ass first in front of the TV stand, barely missing it. I sit wrapped up in a blanket, heart racing, and adrenaline pumping through my body.

“Jake?”

He rubs his face. “First you try hitting me with a baseball bat, and now you punch me in the face. I’m starting to think it’s personal.”

I blush a deep shade of red. “I’m sorry! I wasn’t expecting anybody.”

“It’s almost six.”

I look out the window to see the sun setting. 

 “Wow, time flies. But why are you here? Is everything okay?” I notice that he isn’t in his uniform, so he isn’t here on business. Instead, he’s in well-fitted jeans, and a beige button-down shirt. Something dressier than his normal, yet warm for the fall transition weather. 

He studies me for a long moment. “It’s six, Kasey. We were going to go out.” He clears his throat, looking uncomfortable. “You know, on a date.”

My lips form an O. 

He nods once. “You forgot.”

“No!” I say quickly, unwrapping myself. “No, of course not. I didn’t even mean to fall asleep, and when I did it was hours ago.” I’m stumbling over my words, trying to hear the truth in it.

But I did forget. Maybe it’s because my mind is wrapped around the Ian situation, but I can’t blame everything on him.

I finally free myself from the blanket and stand up. “Just give me like ten minutes to get dressed, okay?”

He nods, rising and staying quiet.

I try not to see the hurt on his face, but it’s evident in the way his lips twitch downward. I hurry to my bedroom and search through my closet, not even sure what suffices for a date. I don’t exactly have the best wardrobe—most of it is from Walmart. 

Trying not to dwell on it too long, I throw on a grey dress and leggings, and slip into a pair of black ballet flats. I take my brush and run it through my tangled hair, wincing as the knots tug. After about fifteen minutes, I’ve got makeup on, my outfit flattened out, and I’m ready to go.

Jake is sitting on the couch, the blanket now folded and resting over the couch’s back, and he’s staring off into the distance. 

“I’m sorry you had to wait,” I apologize, walking over to him. 

He gives me a smile and stands up, but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes like it usually does. Leaning in, he kisses my cheek, causing me to hold my breath. “You look good, Kasey,” he tells me, pulling back.

I clear my throat. “You do, too.”

Although, Jake has the kind of body that would make him attractive in anything. Or nothing. 

He leads me out of my apartment, closing the door behind us. “So what did you do today besides rest?”

“Just some shopping. You know me, I’m a party animal.”

I internally cringe at the lie that escapes my lips. My conscious still scolds me for not telling him my other adventure. 

Brushing past it, I ask, “How was work? Did anything happen with my mom’s case?”

He glances at me for a moment before answering. “The chief doesn’t want me on the case, so I don’t really know the details.”

“Why wouldn’t you be on the case?”

“I’m personally involved with you. It’s a conflict of interest.”

“Personally involved?” 

We walk down the stairs side by side in silence, and it isn’t until he opens the front door for me that he finally answers. “It’s common knowledge that we know each other. That we’re, uh, friends. So being part of your mom’s case might cause complications. Bias and all that. It could ruin any chance at justice for Taylor or you.”

I cringe when he says the word friends, because I can hear the uncertainty in the label.

“I guess that makes sense,” I murmur, not correcting him. 

He nods, stopping us at his car. Opening the passenger door for me, I hesitate. 

The guilt eats at me, and nerves rise in the pit of my stomach. I never lie to Jake, that isn’t the kind of relationship we have. 

“I was with Ian earlier,” I admit, the pressure easing slightly. 

“I know.”

“You know?”

He nods. “Pop stopped in at the station earlier with one of his grandsons.”

“Was everything okay?” 

He waves it off. “His grandson had to do an interview with a cop for some school project. Pop was just helping him out.”

“Oh. Good.”

“He mentioned that he hasn’t seen you that happy in a long time,” he states, his voice impassive. 

Happy? 

“I …” I shake my head. “I wouldn’t say happy. I was just laughing because of something Ian did. It was really nothing, Jake. He insisted that we catch up, and we kind of did.”

“Pop said—”

“Does it matter what Pop said?” I blast back. “Yes, Ian and I went out for ice cream. Yes, we talked. And we were disagreeing about some stuff before he shoved my blizzard in my face. That led to an ice cream fight, which led to me running away to stop being pelted with delicious dessert. That’s it.”

If I wasn’t sure I wanted the kiss to happen, then I didn’t have to tell him. Or that’s what I keep telling myself to push away the guilt. 

He frowns. “You didn’t tell me right away that you were with him.”

“It didn’t really matter.”

Maybe if I keep telling him that, it’ll come true. 

“It does though. If it truly didn’t, you would have told me when I asked what you were doing today.”

My jaw ticks. “If you knew that I was with him, then why bother asking? Why set me up to lie to you?”

He rolls his eyes. “Really, Kasey? You think I set you up to lie? I didn’t realize that you were going to, okay? I was generally interested in what you were up to.” 

I give him a disbelieving look.

He sighs loudly. “And okay, maybe I wanted you to tell me about it. Him being back has made you tense, and I don’t like it. It’s like you’re setting yourself up for disappointment when he goes away.”

“I know he’s leaving, which is why it’s not going anywhere. We’re not going to be besties. Don’t worry, Jake. You’re not being replaced like he is.”

His eyes twitch. “Is that what I was? His replacement?”

My heart cracks. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Do you even want to go out with me?” he doubts, voice thick. 

I’m not sure if he means tonight, or in general. 

“I just …” My brain is still trying to process how we got here. “I like you, Jake. And I want this to work. I just don’t see why we have to argue about Ian, when Ian isn’t here with us. When he’s ruined everything else already. Can’t I just have this moment with you?”

He presses his lips together, and averts his gaze.

The way his face contorts, it’s like he doesn’t believe me. Or like he’s trying his hardest to, and I don’t know which one of the scenarios hurts more. 

“Come on,” he finally says, gesturing for me to get in. “I think what I have planned is exactly what we need. It’ll be fun.”

I wait for him to smile, for him to look at me with those warm eyes of his, but he doesn’t.

And I already know that tonight is over before it began. 

The park that Jake drives us to is just outside the town lines, and it’s famous for having movie nights. A large screen is set up in the middle of the park, between two of the oldest trees in the tri-county area, and everybody gathers with picnic baskets and blankets to watch the movie of choice.

I haven’t been since they started doing it a few years ago, but I always hear it gets a lot of people to come together. 

Jake guides us to an area away from some of the other people already set up, with a blue blanket draped over his arm, and a basket hanging from his hand. The car ride was full of silence, not even the radio playing. I can usually handle silence with Jake, but the tension practically suffocated me. 

When the blanket is on the ground, and the basket is resting in the middle, I sit next to it and wait for Jake to do the same. He hesitates, but finally does.

“What’s playing tonight?”

He opens the basket. “I think it’s a romantic comedy. I don’t remember the title. Thought you might like it.”

I smile at the gesture. “You know me and my romcoms.”

He nods, pulling out sandwiches and chips. “It’s not much for dinner. I made it earlier. Mom told me she’d cook us something, but I wanted to keep it simple. Thought it would be better since we’re just watching a movie.”

“I like simple.” Simple is better than complicating things. It’s what I need.

He finally smiles at me, because he knows I mean it.

He holds up a sandwich. “Turkey on rye, lettuce, tomato, bacon, and no mayo or else you might murder me.” He smirks victoriously, knowing that it’s exactly what I like.

“It’s not my fault I hate mayo now. Somebody dared me to eat a jar of it.”

“I didn’t force it down your throat though,” he points out.

“No,” I agree, “but you offered me twenty dollars, and at the time it seemed like a lot of money. I’m pretty sure I bought I lot of Reese’s with that.”

If there was one thing I would never give up, it was a tie between Taylor and Reese’s. That’s how serious my addiction is to them. 

He laughs. “Once you were well enough to eat again. That stomach bug you got was bad. I remember Rose telling me not to go to your house or else I might catch it.”

“Does she still not know why I was sick?”

“She probably put it together. A tub of mayo doesn’t just grow legs and walk out of the fridge.”

I snort. “True.”

After another ten minutes of teasing, my body relaxes. I can see Jake do the same thing, like all it took were a few stories to remind ourselves that we’re here, we’re friends, and we have stories to tell just like Ian and I do.

A woman comes up on the stage with a smile on her face. “Hello, everybody! I’m loving the turn out we have here tonight. I’m happy to announce that we have a double feature to show you! Since we did action last week, we’re doing romance this week. The first feature is 13 Going on 30, and the second is What If!”

There’s clapping all around us.

The smile on my face tips down, but I recover before Jake sees it. 

“Good movies?” he asks me, leaning my way and stealing a chip from my bag.

I just nod. 

The more you think about the what-ifs in life, the more miserable you’ll be. 

Why couldn’t I just have a good night without Ian’s words deciding to annoy me? 

What-ifs are part of life, whether Ian wants to agree or not. Every chance we take has a consequence, and we should know what they are—know what we’re risking.

“You okay?” Jake asks me.

I break myself from my thoughts, brushing them to the back of my mind. “I’m good.”

“We don’t have to stay for both movies, especially if you’ve seen them.”

I shake my head. “I don’t have anything else going on tonight.”

He smiles. I smile. 

But deep down, I don’t feel anything.

And all I can wonder is, When did I stop? 

I’m floating in the air with my head resting on a strangely hard pillow. I murmur something incoherent, and am greeted by what sounds like a chuckle. I go to shift, but something holds me in place.

“You’re going to fall,” a familiar voice says.

I crack my eyes open, the fluorescent light from the hallway greeting my eyes.

“We’re home?”

I glance up to see Jake’s sculpted face. “We’re at your apartment.”

I look around tiredly. “You’re carrying me.”

“You wouldn’t wake up.”

I frown. “I’m sorry. I’ve been so tired lately.”

We get to my door, and he already has a key in his hand, unlocking it. 

I groan into his chest. “I’m a failure at this dating thing.”

He chuckles. “You are not.”

We walk into the apartment, and he sets me down on the couch. 

“I am,” I disagree. “I fell asleep, and then I made you wait until I was ready, and the whole Ian thing made it all weird. I mean, it’s my fault he’s here, you know? You and I were fine before he showed up. It was us against the world.”

He sits down at the end of the couch, picking up the blanket and putting it over me. “It isn’t your fault he’s here.”

“But it is! He wanted to see me, like I could help him.”

He cocks his head. “Help with what?”

I remember our conversation. I came back here because I knew you were the one person I could count on to fill the … emptiness that I’ve been feeling.

“Feeling whole again. He thinks our friendship will help I guess.”

“Do you think it will?”

I shrug, pulling the blanket over me. “I don’t think I’m the person who will help. It’s been too long. It makes no sense why he believes I’m the key.”

I stare at the blanket, my eyes absorbed in it if it means not looking at Jake. Not giving anything away with a single look.

“You’re a good person, maybe that’s why,” he guesses.

“I’m not. I’m a wreck.”

“You’re not a wreck.”

“I’ve got a cracked-out mother, and I’m taking care of my little sister like she’s my kid. I work a job that barely pays enough for rent, my old best friend magically shows back up like I’m the key to his happiness, my father might come back in my life, and my new best friend had the worst date ever tonight. How am I not a wreck, Jake?”

He stares at me, taking in my list of achievements.

Knowing Jake, he’ll tell me something assuring, like I’m not a wreck and that what I’ve gone through makes me stronger. I won’t argue with him, because I am stronger than I was. But that doesn’t make it hard to cope with on the days I have too much time to think.

And those days come more often than I like.

“Your mother is in no way a reflection of who you turn out to be,” he starts, picking up my feet and putting them on his lap. “The fact that you’re raising your little sister like your own is respectable and it only makes people see how amazing you truly are. You work your ass off to support yourself and Taylor, and even if it doesn’t pay well, it’s still work. And maybe you’re not the key to Ian’s happiness, but maybe he thinks you are because he sees an opportunity and a second chance. There’s nothing wrong with that.

“And you know what? Maybe your dad coming back into your life isn’t so bad. He put you and your family through some shit, but that doesn’t mean anything. It could be a good thing. You might finally get closure and move on, or even forgive him.”

“Why would I do something like that?” 

“Because forgiveness is freedom. It’s an opening to a new perspective. You may not need your father in your life, but that doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be in it in some way. Sometimes the people in our lives come back in full force to change everything, and you have two choices … embrace it or ignore it.”

Maybe it’s because I’m tired, or maybe it’s because I’m finally going nuts, but I’m laughing. The couch is shaking with every burst from me, and I can feel his eyes on me trying to figure out what made me crack.

But clearly it’s contagious, because he ends up joining me.

“You’re an everyday Dr. Phil, aren’t you?” I muse, wiping tears off my cheeks.

“All that training I went through in college and the academy I guess.”

I finally stop laughing, and catch my breath. “You think it’s good to let people in?”

“I’m just saying that I believe in second chances.”

“Even if they hurt you the first time?”

He nods. “Even then.”

I think about it, playing with the end of the blanket. Everybody told me that I didn’t need my father in my life, especially after he left. I think they told me that because they knew he wasn’t coming back. Even the possibility of him showing up changes that—gives me choices that I can start choosing from when I never thought I could.

Everybody has choices.

Ian’s words keep bouncing around in my skull. 

I wonder if Jake considers Ian to be part of that. If he thinks I should forgive my father because he hurt me, then maybe he thinks I should forgive Ian, too. Or maybe he’s just trying to get his Dr. Phil fix in, and he’s giving me general advice. 

“Maybe you’re right,” I agree quietly, when the silence becomes too much. “I guess we’ll have to see what happens. Maybe he won’t even be found or show up. Then everything will just be … back to normal.”

Or will it?

He pats my shin. “Maybe, Kasey. Maybe.”

But we both know that it won’t be, no matter how much we want it to.