KASEY

By noon, my mind is wrapped around the idea of seeing my father for the first time in years. Everybody told me I didn’t have to, but I knew it was time. 

Figure out who is worthy of your forgiveness.

Even though Jake keeps telling me that I don’t have to do it, I know he’s hoping I will. He’s been coming over every night and playing with Taylor, and never complains when she makes him play dolls or tea party. He’s always a trooper, even when she put nail polish on him … or tried to. She got more on herself than him. And when she goes to bed he gives me the usual speech about how I won’t be happy if I don’t forgive, and I believe him. I know that I have to at least try. I just can’t decide which is worse: being abandoned by Dad, or having Mom act like she doesn’t care at all anymore.

Either way, they both turned out to be disappointments. 

Rosie walks over and rubs my back. “Big day today, huh?”

“Jake is picking me up at four.”

She smiles. “I’m glad he’s there for you with this. Somebody should be.”

I give her a small smile as I clear the dishes from the counter. 

Leaning her hip against the counter, she studies me. I try to avoid the look that’s being burned into the side of my face, knowing she’s trying to see what I won’t let her know. 

She always figures it out eventually.

“What are you going to say to him?” 

I clear my throat. “Dad?” I shrug. “Don’t know. My goal is just not to hit him or start screaming. Something tells me that it won’t go over well in the station.”

She chuckles. “I think you might be right.”

I nod, taking the dishes to the back.

“Is there something you want to talk about?” she finally asks me, following me around as I put the tips in the jar.

“Not really.”

“Kasey Marie Miller,” she chides. “Don’t think I don’t know when there’s something bothering you.”

I flush at the full name. 

“Ever since Ian left, you’ve been depressed. You put a smile on your face for Taylor, but not for anybody else. And even that smile seems empty. Mrs. Withers asked about you yesterday, you know.”

I roll my eyes. Mrs. Withers is the town gossiper. It shouldn’t surprise Rosie that she asked about me, because she wanted the next scoop. 

Apparently, she nearly had a heart attack when the rumors of Ian and I hit the newsstand. She came in for a week straight prying for information, even after Ian made a statement that the rumors weren’t true. I saw the disappointment in her eyes, I swear.

“Mrs. Withers is a nosy broad,” I inform her matter-of-factly. “And she’ll do anything to hear about my life. But maybe I don’t want her to know. Or anybody for that matter.”

She puts her hands on her hips, a sure sign that I’m about to get lectured.

“What about Jake?”

I groan. “What about him, Rosie?”

“He’s been spending a lot more time with you and Taylor. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. So clearly he should know your business.”

I press my lips together, debating on telling her what I really think about Jake and me.

That we’re not right for each other.

That we’re better off as friends.

That I really want Ian.

But if I say any of that out loud, the admission becomes cemented, and I don’t know if I really want it to be true. I made myself believe that Jake is what I need, and he is. For so many things. 

Just not my happiness. 

Loving him would be easier, but my heart would never forgive me if I settled. 

“We’ve been hanging out more,” I admit uncomfortably, walking past her to the register. I start doing the afternoon count of the draw, writing down how much is inside.

“You’re being too vague for a nosy woman like me,” she complains. “I know what my son does is none of my business, but I feel so invested in this. When I met his father, I was over the moon. Always smiling, always thinking about him. But you … you don’t look like that. Even with everything else going on, you should find a reason to smile. So tell me, Kasey. What stops you from doing it?”

When I don’t stop what I’m doing, Rosie grabs my hands and moves them away from the money. I meet her eyes, mine hollow compared to the worry in hers, and blink back sudden tears.

“Oh, sweetheart,” she breathes, pulling me into her.

“I just want to be happy, Rose,” I rasp.

She combs her fingers though my hair. “I know, baby girl, I know. I’m guessing that you’re not with Jake.”

I sniff back tears, pulling away. “You have no idea how hard I’m trying to. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh. He makes me glad that he’s in my life … in Taylor’s life. But it’s not enough.” I wipe away tears with my wrist. 

She brushes away stray tears with the pads of her thumbs, then moves her hands to gently grip my upper arms. “As much as I want you and my son to be together, you can’t force yourself to feel something that isn’t there. It will only drive you two apart. And if you love having him in your life, it’s better as a friend than as nothing at all.”

I swipe my hand down my damp face. “Why can’t I just see how great he is? It shouldn’t be this hard, Rose.”

“You can’t help who you love,” she says softly, giving me a warm smile. “And you can’t help who you don’t. If it were up to us, it wouldn’t be part of life’s struggle.”

“What’s so great about the struggle?”

“I’ve come to learn that we appreciate things more when we have to work for them. It isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it in the end.”

She hugs me once more, giving me a comforting squeeze. 

“The real question is, who does make you happy?”

I stare at the ground.

She tilts my chin up. “We both know the answer to that question. And if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.” She rubs my arm. “Why don’t you take a break? I think Jake mentioned he was coming in for lunch today. You should sit down and talk to him.”

My eyes widen, still blurry from the leftover tears. “You want me to break up with your son in a diner?”

“You’re not really together,” she points out. “And plus, the longer you let this go on, the more it’ll hurt. Not just him, but you. I know you don’t want that.”

I nod my head in agreement. Hurting Jake isn’t an option. 

I let out a breath. “This day has been just wonderful, huh?”

She laughs. “It’s never a dull day in West Haven. You of all people should know that.”

She pats my back and sends me into the kitchen.

 

The rest of the afternoon goes by uneventfully, unless you consider me telling Jake the truth about how I feel. Besides the expected awkwardness of the moment, I’m lucky he understood.

Maybe a little too well, even.

It really wasn’t until now that I saw what I didn’t before. We were both settling for something practical—him making a bigger sacrifice than me. We were both choosing to be together for the sake of Taylor, because we knew he was the best option for her. But we weren’t the best option for each other, and coming to terms with that eased the pressure inside of me. 

Thinking we could make it work because we liked each other wasn’t enough, and it made us fools. Because it doesn’t matter if we can tolerate one another, if we’d end up resenting each other in the long run. 

He pulls up to the police station. 

“Thanks again for everything,” I express, my hand on the door handle.

“You don’t have to thank me, Kasey. You know I’ve got your back no matter what.”

His smile is genuine, and I know that he means it. 

Part of my fear of admitting the truth is that he would want to walk away from us, but it was stupid for me to believe that. We’re friends, and nothing will change that.

“I know that,” I admit. “But I’ve been dragging you along this whole time, making you experience the train wreck that is my life. That wasn’t fair.”

He entwines our fingers together, squeezing them. “You needed somebody, Kasey. I had no problem being that person. So what if we went on a few dates? Not every relationship works out.”

“But there’s no real reason why it shouldn’t have,” I reply, my lips threatening to turn into a frown.

“Sure there is. We’re not right for each other in that way. We tried, and it didn’t work. We need to find people who challenge us. My mom always told me that.”

I smile. “She used to tell me the same thing.”

“I think she’s more upset about this than either of us are.”

I laugh. “She’s rooted for us from the very beginning.”

He nods. “She wants you to be happy though. It’s not just me she cares about.”

“I know. Rosie will always be an important part of my life. You both will. No matter what happens today.”

He gestures toward the station. “Are you sure you’re ready to see him?”

I open my mouth to reply, but close it before I let the words slip.

I’m not ready to see the man who left me behind. Who made me realize that love might never be out there. But I know pushing past that will only help me get over the hurt.

Forgive.

I let go of his hand. “I’m as ready as I can be. Are you coming in?” 

He shakes his head, something in his eyes dulling. “There’s a call I have to go to. They need backup. I wish I could be there for you.”

“Oh. Well don’t sweat it. I should probably do this alone anyway.”

He gives me one last smile and then drives away. 

As much as I want him to be here, I need to do this on my own. Prove to myself that I can handle it. 

I turn to face the station, knowing who’s in there—knowing that I have to face something I’ve been trying my best to avoid this whole time. 

It’s now or never.

My phone buzzes in my pocket as I walk into the building. Part of me expects it to be from Jake, wishing me good luck. But since he’s off doing who knows what, I know it can’t be.

Instead, I see Ian’s name.

It’ll work out, Kay. I took a page out of your book and read ahead ;)  

I smile to myself at the sentiment, stuffing my phone back in my pocket as I go toward Chief Daniell’s office. 

I see Amy sitting outside the door, talking to a tall man whose back is toward me.

I hold my breath and stop walking, because I know who it is without seeing his face. It’s a feeling in the pit of my stomach. The basic jeans and worn army-style jacket is exactly what he always used to wear. 

Amy sees me and waves, causing the man to turn around.

He hasn’t changed one bit. 

“Wow. Kay? Is that you.”

My fists clench tightly around the strap of my cross-body bag. 

I try my best at keeping my tone calm. “Please don’t call me that. It’s not my name.”

He looks like he wants to argue, but he doesn’t. 

“You grew up, kid,” he says next, walking toward me. I’m surprised when he wraps his arms around me.

 My hands are trapped between us, and my body stiffens in discomfort. 

I tell my body to hug him back. To at least pretend that I’m happy to see him. But I’ve done too much pretending, and my body is drained from all the fakeness.

He finally pulls away, smiling down at me.

Does he not see the expression on my face? The way my body reacts to him? I can tell that Amy does, because she’s practically wincing at the awkwardness radiating in the room. 

“Growing up tends to happen over the years,” I muffle out, stepping back.

His lips twitch. “You’re right, it does.”

I look at Amy. “So is the meeting happening soon?”

The clock says it’s almost four, so we’re early.

“Actually,” Dad answers, “I was hoping you and I could talk before we see Jeff.”

Jeff? He’s on a first name basis with the chief?

I stare at him. “Why?”

“I think there’s a lot to discuss, don’t you? This whole situation is heavy stuff, and you’ve been dealing with it like a trooper on your own. But there are things you don’t know, and I’d like to explain them to you.”

I look at Amy, as if she’ll give me the go-ahead as to what to do. But it’s up to me, and I know that. Still, the tip of her head only pushes me toward agreeing. 

“I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea.” My voice isn’t particularly thrilled, but I know talking with him isn’t a bad idea. 

His smile returns. “I was told we could use the conference room.”

He gestures toward the offset room to the right of us. The door is open, and the room is cleared out. 

I walk in first, taking a seat at the end of the table. He closes the door behind him, sitting down only a few seats away from me. 

We stare at each other for a while, like there aren’t any words to be said. Really, there’s just too much left unspoken from years of packed baggage. Neither of us seems to know where to begin. 

The clock on the wall ticks. I shift in my seat, arms crossed over my chest. He fidgets with the watch on his wrist, clearing his throat.

Finally, I can’t take the silence anymore.

“You wanted to talk,” I remind him. “You might want to start before we both die in here.”

His dark brows go up in surprise by my hastiness, and it makes me want to roll my eyes. What does he really expect from me? To be happy he’s here? To welcome him with open arms?

“I’m sorry to hear about your mother, Kasey. I knew she was on a rough path, but I truly thought she would get better with time.”

Now I really do roll my eyes. “She’s a human being, Dad. Not wine.”

Amusement flickers in his eyes. “I’d like to think that you get your sarcasm from me.”

I narrow my eyes. “Oh, sure. Like how funny it was for you to walk out on your family. That makes me laugh every time.”

He rakes a hand down his face. “I deserve that.”

I don’t reply.

He sighs. “I’m sorry for leaving you behind with her. I’m sorry for not being the father that you, or Taylor, deserved. I’m not going to make up any excuses, kid. I’ve done that long enough.”

“So what is this about?” I question.

“I’ve watched you grow up.”

I gape at him. Not the words I was expecting. 

“I had no intention of going back to your mother, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want you in my life. That was her choice, and at the time she made a valid argument. I had adultery against me, and a small town like this, with a judge like the one we have, tends to always favor the mother’s side. Regardless of your mother’s depression, it wouldn’t have been good for me. So I agreed to let her handle you two. I thought she could.”

I look away. “Well, guess you were wrong.”

“I’ve been wrong about a lot of things. I’m admitting it, but I can see that isn’t good enough. I didn’t expect to walk in here and get you to forgive me, but I do expect to walk out of here hoping that you understand.”

“Understand what?” I snap at him. “I get it, Dad. You didn’t bother trying to fight for us. Wonderful for you. Truly.”

“That isn’t what I want you to understand,” he replies firmly. “I may not have a lot of authority in your life, but I am still your father. That should count for something.”

“It doesn’t count for anything! When were you ever there for me? When have you ever been a father figure?”

“In ninth grade you scored the winning goal for your soccer team. Even though you seemed to love the game, you quit playing after that. I was there in the crowd watching, and I was always sad that I couldn’t go to more of your games. 

“Your sophomore year of high school, I watched you perform at a talent show, and you came in second. You won fifty dollars, which I later found out you used to buy groceries. Personally, I think the song you sang deserved first place, because that tap dancer who won nearly fell off the stage. I also think you should have spent that money on something for yourself, and not for your mother.”

I couldn’t help but stare at him in shock, because not once did I ever see anybody other than Rosie and Jake in crowds for me when I was doing some event.

“In your junior year of high school, I heard that you were in advanced classes. Knowing that my kid is smart is the best feeling, and you better believe I bragged to everybody I knew. Then your senior year came, and I noticed you didn’t participate in anything. You stayed in more. You weren’t in any clubs, didn’t play any sports, never did another show. You were just gone, and not being able to see you was not a good feeling.”

My throat is closing up, with a lump forming in my throat. 

“I was at your graduation, you know.” He’s smiling now, his eyes trailing off like he’s remembering the distant memory. “My daughter, the valedictorian. Damn proud, Kasey. I told all the guys at work about you. Bill was probably sick of hearing me yammer on about you, but he always came with me to the events.”

“Bill?” I whispered.

He nods. “He was the one who told me about the things you were in. Heard it from Rosie. I don’t think she expected anything when he got the information, but nonetheless I went. Even sat by him at the graduation ceremony. Your speech about finding hope for a future, and going after your dreams was amazing. It crushed me when you weren’t listed as going to college.”

I fight off the tears that want to spill over my cheeks. My chest is heavy with emotions I can’t even process as I try wrapping my head around what he’s telling me.

“You were there?” 

“I didn’t miss one event. I’ve even been going to Taylor’s dance recitals. She’s getting better from when she started.”

Shock turns into confusion, and my confusion bubbles into anger.

Eyes narrowing and fists clenching, I demand, “You were fucking there? At everything? Were you hiding in a corner? Lurking in the shadows? If you made sure to come, why not actually speak to me? Why make me think that you didn’t give a shit this whole time!”

“Your mother—”  

“Is sick! She has been sick for a long time, Dad. She needed you. I needed you. Taylor needed you.”

“I know she did. I know.”

“Do you?” I doubt, my voice getting louder. “If you really did, then where the hell were you? Did you ever stop by? Did you ever call? Did you ever write? No. You left us with a crazy bitch, while I was forced to grow up and take care of my little sister when it should have been you!”

He let me get it off my chest before he continues, just watching me.

“I showed up twice. Your mother wouldn’t let me in. She would never let me see you two. When I agreed to go, it was my assumption that I could come back at least to visit.”

I blink. “You what?”

He nods. “She didn’t want you girls to know that I was around. But I never left town. That may make you hate me more, but I want you to see that it’s my way of showing I’m dedicated. Have been this whole time.”

Dedicated. 

The word is sour in my mind. He could have showed his dedication in other ways. He barely tried.

“I fell out of love with your mother a long time ago,” he admits quietly. “But not once did I ever fall out of love with you.”

I close my eyes, because if I don’t then the tears really will fall, and I don’t want him to see what he does to me. What he shouldn’t make me feel after all this time.

I swear. I cuss. I tell myself to pull it together, because this is not who I am.

“Is that why you cheated? Because you didn’t love her?”

“Maybe.”

Maybe.

He doesn’t even know.

I open my eyes once I know I won’t cry. 

“Is that all?”

He shakes his head. “While I’m glad that you know I’m around, it’s not what I want you to understand.”

The look in his hazel-green eyes makes anxiety rise in my stomach. I see how much I look like him. How much my mannerisms are the same. It scares me to see myself in somebody I hated for this long. 

“I want you to understand why I have to take Taylor.”

Eleven words. 

One sentence.

That’s all it takes to break my heart.

Take Taylor. Take Taylor. Take Taylor.

It repeats in my head like a broken record echoing like an empty cave. Jars me. Splits me. Breaks me.

“You … you what?” My voice is weak. Defeated.

“Kasey, please don’t take this personally. I’m doing this for the both of you.”

My lips quiver. “Don’t. Don’t lie!”

I stand up, my chair tipping over in the process. It smacks against the floor loudly, and the door opens with Amy bolting in like the place is on fire.

“Don’t bullshit me into some sap story and then tell me that you’re taking her away! You haven’t been there for her like I have.”

Amy steps forward. “Kasey—”

“No!” I blast, dodging her extended hand. “I am so done being pushed around and bending over backwards just to be screwed over!”

“Kasey, come on,” Dad pleas, standing up. “I’m not just doing this for Taylor. You need to live your life, not take care of somebody who shouldn’t be your responsibility.”

I scoff. “You’re too late, Daddy Dearest. Taylor has always been my responsibility.”

“What about college? What about getting away from this town?” he presses.

“What about it?” I growl.

He steps toward me. I step back. “You haven’t lived. You’ve been stretching yourself for everybody, and not once have you had time to just do what you want. I have never wanted that for you, and I don’t want that for Taylor.”

My breathing becomes so ragged I feel like I might pass out. I brace myself against the table for support, just in case I lose my balance.

“You’re existing,” he goes on. “You’ve got so much potential that you’ve had to give up just to take care of your family. That should have been my job, and now I’m taking responsibility. Please don’t hate me for this, Kay. Don’t think this is personal. I’m doing this because I love you, and because Taylor needs me.”

I gasp for air and finally straighten out.

“Do I even have a choice? A say?”

His face says it all.

Amy finally touches my arm. “Your father has a wonderful house just outside of town. It’s spacious, and it’s still in the district, so Taylor can stay in the same school. He’s a good choice for her, Kasey.”

“And I’m not?” 

Her eyes sadden. “You’ve done an amazing job with her, but your father has a point. You’re so young. Take it from somebody like me. You need to experience life and you haven’t even had a taste. Do you really want to take care of a child on your own? To work at the diner for the rest of your life? If your father takes her, you can still see her. You can visit anytime you want. Nothing has to change drastically.”

I look between them, the hurt still piling on my shoulders. 

“Taylor will be happy,” Dad promises.

My jaw ticks. “You don’t know that.”

He counters, “Do you know she’ll be perfectly happy with you?”

I look away.

“Neither of us are going to make her happy all the time,” he tells me. “But just like you, I’m going to do my best.”

I even out my breathing. “Will you give her everything she wants?”

“Yes.”

“Even if she doesn’t need it?”

He pauses. “Within reason.”

“Another Barbie?”

He nods.

“A tutu? She only has three, so she’ll probably want more in different colors.”

“Kasey—”

“Cake? Her favorite is chocolate.” I pause, staring at him. “You don’t know what her favorite kind of pizza is. She’s very picky.”

“Kasey—”

“And she’s supposed to go to bed at seven thirty, but she’ll con you into reading Harry Potter until at least eight, and—”

“Kasey!” he says again, putting his hands on my shoulders. “You need to breathe. I know that I’m not the best person in your mind, but I will be the best damn father to her. It’ll take some time to know what she likes, but I will figure it out, and I want you to help me. I want you in my life. In Taylor’s. She needs consistency.”

I study him for a long moment, because I want to see the truth in his words. I want to know that he’ll protect her. Spoil her. Be there for her.

But he hasn’t before. Not really.

“How do I know you’ll stay, Dad?”

I can see the flicker of hurt that I even have to ask, but there’s no way I can just go by his word. Not after he walked away once before.

“I’m not the same man I was, Kasey. You’ll just have to let me show you that I’m in this for good. Plus, Amy will be taking the case. She wants to do visits. Check-ins. Everything is by the book. Everything will be documented. It’ll be okay.”

It’ll be okay.

“Can you promise me something?” he asks. “I know that you owe me nothing, and that making promises isn’t something you should have to do, but it would mean a lot to me.”

I take a minute to think about it. To argue with myself about how I could tell him off or just agree to make things easier.

I go with the latter.

“What?” I find myself asking, voice barely audible.

“Do something for yourself that you couldn’t do before. I don’t care what it is, just something that makes you happy. Can you do that?”

I stare at him, throat thick from emotion, chest heavy from the turn of events.

“Yeah,” I whisper, “I can do that.”

Suddenly, there are voices yelling from outside the room and people are running around. 

“Whitman called it in,” Chief Daniell yells, jogging over to get his hat off the hook where it rests.

I look around the frantic room, seeing pale faces and stricken expressions.

“What’s happening?” I ask.

Amy walks next to me. “I don’t know.”

Somebody yells about an ambulance.

Somebody else yells an address.

A familiar address.

The chief demands, “Did they get the bastard?” 

“He’s in cuffs, sir.”

I’ve never seen Jeff look so livid. “I want two extra officers to go to the scene. Make sure that son of a bitch is detained. I’m going to the hospital.”

Hospital.

Scene.

The address is repeated again over one of the radios hooked on the wall.

My mother’s address. 

My childhood home.

“What’s happening?” I ask louder, looking around. My mother was arrested. She’s here in the basement if it’s like where the others go. So why would there be people going to her house?

Jeff walks over to me, expression void of any clear emotion. “There’s been an incident,” he tells me in a low voice. “We had a shooter situation, and an officer was shot.”

My eyes widen. My stomach drops. My heart cracks, ready to completely break apart.

No.

“It’s Caldwell.”

No. No, no, no.

“W-what? What happened? Who?”

He shakes his head. “He’s being taken to the hospital as we speak. I won’t know the details until I’m there. You should go home.”

“What?” I demand. “I’m going with you! I’m going to see Jake!”

“Kid, the last thing you need is this right now.”

“I care about him, Jeff!”

“And he’ll be in good hands,” he promises. “Now I have to go.”

Before I can argue, he’s out the door.

A hand rests on my shoulder. 

“Kasey?”  Dad’s voice is soft. Too soft.

My racing heart is the only thing I hear. Feel. It’s about to burst.

“I-I have to go to the hospital.” My eyes go wide. “Oh my God. Somebody has to call Rosie.” I look at Dad, then at Amy. “Is somebody going to call her?”

Amy’s ashen expression meets mine. “I’m sure somebody will at the hospital.”

My hands are shaking, and my feet—once rooted to the floor—are now moving quickly to the front doors.

All I can think about is Jake lying in the hospital.

Jake’s been shot.

Jake’s in the hospital.

“Kasey!” Dad calls after me.

But I don’t hear him. 

I just run.