FEBRUARY 18, 2016
MOST OF MY LIFE, I spent thinking, I can’t wait. I can’t wait. I can’t wait. Until one day it turned into slow down. Slow down. Slow down.
For three days, I tried to find a way to tell Hudson. Something always came up. At least, that was what I told myself. So I resigned to let it happen organically.
Some would call it procrastination.
I called it letting life take the reins.
I scrolled through Facebook while he cooked. A gif popped up of this adorable bunny shaking his head, his big floppy ears whipping back and forth in slow motion, and I had a mental breakdown.
Hudson jumped when I shrieked, and I followed it up with baby talk directed toward the screen.
“Jesus, Hartley. You scared me.”
“This… this…” I couldn’t get the words out. The bunny was so cute and fluffy, and I immediately began compiling a list of the things I’d need to buy to give it the best possible home with me.
He came around the island to stand behind me. “You’re shrieking over a rabbit?”
“He’s so adorable. Don’t you just want to squish his cheeks?”
“No.” He moved back to the stove. It was the second time he’d taken that tone with me since he told me he loved me the other day, and I was doing my best to avoid it.
“But it’s a baby. A cute little squishy baby.” I couldn’t help it. I was a nut for animals. They were all babies in my eyes.
He kept his back to me. Tone flat. “It’s not a baby, and it’s not cute. It’s a dirty, rabid animal.”
“You don’t mean that,” I said, ignoring his tone. “I want him.”
He shook his head. “No… You want the idea of him.”
I flinched. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
He spun, spatula in his hand. God, he was sexy, even with just a spoon in his hand.
“You’re a runner, Hartley. Runners can’t have permanent things. You don’t really want him.”
I stared at him.
“Don’t make that face.”
“What face?”
“The one you’re making,” he said, pointing at me with the spatula.
“It’s the only face I have,” I retorted. “And don’t act like you know me.”
“But I do.”
“You don’t.”
It was his turn to stare at me.
I reached for the chips resting in the bowl in front of me. Stuffed a handful into my mouth before saying, “You know the things I want you to know. Just like I know the things you want me to know. That was part of the deal, right?”
He turned back to the stove, hiding his expression from me. I must have said something wrong, because he didn’t speak to me for a while. Though I wasn’t hungry, I dug my hand into the chip bowl and began munching.
Finally, he spun back around. “You can’t waltz into the bunny’s life, promising a life it never thought it could have, and then leave when the next big thing comes around. Bunnies can’t handle that.” His features had changed. Eyes deepening. Tone broken.
My heart did the pitter-patter thing. “Are we really talking about the bunny?”
“Never mind.” He turned back to the stove. I stuffed another handful of chips into my mouth, thinking about that email I was still waiting on from James. I’d already signed the contract he’d sent over. I was just waiting on the dates, so I could make my travel arrangements.
And tell Hudson.
“I’m sorry,” he said a moment later, his shoulders slouching. “Martha’s sandwich didn’t win, and the new guy quit, so I’m just a little stressed. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”
I stood and headed around the counter, putting my arms around his waist. “I’m sorry, Hudson.” I squeezed him tight. Rested my head against his chest. “Is there anything I can do?”
He looked down at me. Nudged his nose against mine. God, he smelled good. “Just be you,” he said, kissing me. The kiss was soft and full. An I’m sorry kind of kiss.
When I let go, I took my seat back at the counter, watching as he flipped the burgers in the pan.
“Did we… was that our first argument?” he asked.
I studied the length of his back, tracing invisible fingers down it. “I think so,” I said, laughing a little.
“Huh…” he said in passing thought. “Who do you think won?”
“I did. The woman always wins.” Surely, he knew that.
He made a noise in his throat. He didn’t agree.
“What?” I asked. I shouldn’t have. It was a trap.
“Nothing.” His tone was lighter than before.
He was baiting me.
I took it.
“Don’t say nothing when you mean something. Tell me.”
He spun, ready for the invitation. “Fine. I think I won, and I’ll—” He closed my jaw when it fell open. “And I’ll tell you why,” he finished with a chuckle. “You snore when you sleep. Not a loud snore. It’s small, like a distant plane flying by.”
“I can’t believe you compared me to a plane.”
He wasn’t done. “And you’re a nervous eater. Any time you’re in an uncomfortable situation, you eat.” He pointed to the empty bowl of chips.
Shit. He had me at that.
“The rain wakes you up. Brings out your inner child. You’ll do anything to avoid disappointing someone, even if it means shelfing your own needs.” He moved around the counter. Invaded my senses with his spicy scent. “You like it when I kiss you here.” He ran his lips over the soft spot behind my ear, and liquid heat shot to my lady parts. “And especially here.” He pressed his lips to the hollow of my collarbone. Goose bumps raised along my skin.
He stood, running his thumb over my chin. I wanted to pull him back down, make him continue telling me how much he knew about me. But something changed in his eyes. A sadness deepening the blue.
“I know that somewhere deep down inside, you’re still that twelve-year-old girl, waiting for your dad to come back. And until he does, your walls will remain intact.” My heart shattered. “I know you, Hartley. And you know me. That’s what love is.”
He did know me, because he left the room to let Bilbo out, giving me the space I needed to get my shit back together. I was at a loss for words. And slightly terrified.
It took me a minute to put myself back together, but when I did, I sat straight and brushed it off. “Fine. You win. You know me,” I said as he handed me a plate.
He picked up his sandwich. “I didn’t mean it to come off as trying to win. I just wanted you to know I know you. That’s all.”
I groaned and took a bite.
THAT NIGHT, I REACHED FOR his arm in the dark. I did when I couldn’t sleep. Pulling it close, I rested it against my neck. He didn’t wake. He could sleep through an apocalypse. His skin was warm, the weight a comfort. I started to think about our fight and how much I’d unknowingly let Hudson in. I’d never stayed long enough to give a man a chance, but he was different. He actually cared.
And then my thoughts shifted to the email I was waiting on from James. Any day, I’d be given the green light. I’d be packing my bags and loading my bus, heading into a new adventure.
A sort of shadow spread over my mood like a cold, wet blanket.
This was never supposed to be permanent. You know that, I told myself.
I heard my mother’s voice in the back of my head. “They will only break you.”
She was right. Maybe not now, but eventually. He’d see the uglier parts of me, and he’d regret letting me in. I’d blame him for putting my dreams aside. We’d begin arguing more until one of us said something we couldn’t take back. Love could never be a permanent thing… not with wounds as deep as ours. They were always there, in the background, like vipers waiting to strike down a happy moment and fill it with a killing toxin.
His arm grew heavy against my neck, his skin hot like a furnace. I couldn’t breathe. I could feel the artery beneath my skin begging for a breath. I pushed his arm away. I craved closeness, only to feel claustrophobic by it.
Why was I like this?