OCTOBER 27, 2016
“THERE’S SO MANY PEOPLE HERE.”
James poked his head inside the door to the small theater where we were debuting the first screening. We were standing in the lobby, hiding behind a pillar, watching as the last viewers headed into the theater. Basil was in there somewhere with Malick, waiting to see himself on the big screen. Eating up the attention.
The air was loud and alive with excited chatter. My heart was flapping its wings, proud and nervous. I’d poured so much time into this project. Made tough choices and stuck by them, seeing this thing through to the end. This documentary meant more to me than what we were portraying on screen.
It meant I could fall, and still get back up.
I was a fighter. A warrior.
Yet, I still felt like somewhat of a fraud.
“They’re going to love it,” I said, fixing his tie. It was painfully obvious he’d never tied his own before. It was something I’d become accustomed to over the past five months of living with him. I did our laundry because he couldn’t tell the difference between liquid detergent and fabric softener. I ordered our takeout because he’d go all day without eating unless someone reminded him. In some ways, he was still a big kid running around in a grown-up’s shell.
We ate side by side. Worked side by side. We’d become joined at the hip. Editing all day. Binging on classic movies at night. Being around him fed the loneliness in my heart. We were platonic. In a lot of ways, best friends. And in that time, I felt like I could breathe easier. I could think clearer.
I tended to the wounds of my mistakes by telling myself I was a martyr. I didn’t contact Hudson in between projects, because he deserved better than a hookup here and there. What we had… it was special, and I welcomed the burn I felt when I’d think of his eyes, because it reminded me that I was doing the right thing. I suffered with missing him, because I couldn’t be permanent, and he couldn’t be happy living this lifestyle with me. Not when he had his own wounds to deal with.
“I want to take you out. After this. If you’re cool with it,” James said a moment later, his voice nearly drowned out by the crowd as a couple walked by us, into the theater. His face was stone-still, eyes watching my every motion as I processed what he’d said.
“Take me out?” The words felt gummy and stale on my tongue.
He nodded. Brushed his thumb over the soft flesh of my exposed shoulder. “You and me. A date. What do you say?”
Five months and he’d said not a single word about wanting to be with me. We’d been roomies. Best friends. But somewhere deep inside my gut, I knew this day would come.
I glanced at the hard silver lines sprinting across his tie. What reason did I have to say no? It’d been almost a year since I’d last seen Hudson. I’d done well with not thinking about him. Living with James was like living with a circus; there was never any downtime to think because there was always something magnificent happening to watch.
“That depends,” I said, picking up the eyelash that had fallen onto his cheek. My heart thrummed inside my chest.
“On?”
“Will you tell me your real name?”
He smirked. “After the date,” he said. “I promise.”
I held the eyelash out to him. He closed his eyes, and then blew it from my fingertip.
“Okay,” I said, softly, meeting his eyes when they opened.
Sun shone through his gaze. “Okay?” he repeated, his lips fanning out like the proud feathers of a peacock.
“Yes.” I felt my grip on the past weaken. I had to accept that this was my life now. This was where my decisions had placed me. How could I go back?
His grin could touch the stars. “You know, for years, I’ve felt restless. Moving through project after project only to find the subject didn’t sate me the way I thought it would. Not until Basil. And not until you pointed this film in his direction.”
I slid my hand over his cheek. “We helped each other, James.”
“Yes, but because of you, I’ve decided to forgive him. That last morning during my jog, I sat in the field and thought a lot about everything we’d been through while working on the project. I thought about my mom, and what she’d want me to do, and then the strangest thing happened. When the wind played in the grass as the taste of rain saturated the air, that was when I felt closest to her. Just like the morning Dad left us. Just like the day we put Mom in the ground… that was when I forgave him.”
He leaned against the pillar, eyes dancing over me. We were supposed to be heading inside. The show was supposed to start soon. But he was perched casually, as if he had no other place to be but there.
“That’s good to hear, James, because I’ve decided to forgive him, too.”
He looked at me funny.
“My dad,” I reminded him with a small giggle. “I’ve decided to let the idea of him go. My dad’s known how to get a hold of me. He hasn’t, because he doesn’t care. And that’s okay. In some ways, it’s better this way. How about you? Are you letting your dad go or reaching out?”
He chuckled. “You thought this was about my father?”
This time, I was the one looking at him funny. “Of course. He stole your car. Screwed you over. You changed your name because of him. You have plenty to forgive him for.”
He swallowed thickly. “Maybe, but that isn’t who I’ve been talking about all this time. It’s my older brother, and I can’t wait for you to meet him. I’ve already called him and asked him to come. That’s who we’re currently waiting for.”
Shock dropped my jaw open. “I didn’t know you had a brother.”
“I do.” His chin lifted. “As a matter of fact, here he is.”
Everything stopped as the man James called his brother walked through the door, soaked to the bone from the torrential downpour outside. It was as if I had never left him. Almost as if we were still back in Florida, on the beach that day, lost in a world I wished I’d never left.
Just like that, Hudson was back in my life.