Kade sat on the barstool next to Angel and tried to figure out where to start. How to tell her the truth?
“I was late getting back to the station. The prosecutor didn’t want to honor the deal I’d worked out with his predecessor for Peter. There was to be no jail time, and he’d be moved to witness protection. The cartel Peter worked for was one of the most dangerous in Florida. I wanted him safe, and that program was the only way to guarantee it.”
“I thought he was just in a safe house?”
“No.” Kade shook his head. “The Marshals’ office was supposed to take him straight from the station to a waiting plane. He was to be hidden somewhere on the west coast until the trial. I don’t know why he wasn’t on that plane. He promised if I kept my word, he’d go.”
He got up and started to pace.
“My handler was waiting for me when I arrived at the station. He told me about what happened, how you were standing at the top of the stairs when they broke down the door.” He closed his eyes, that image burned into his mind’s eye. It haunted his dreams. Her face as she was startled, as she fell backward down the stairs. “That the baby died.”
His voice broke when he uttered the words. That same staggering pain that had torn him apart when they’d told him about the baby attacked him again. It was a grief that never really went away; it didn’t get easier. He’d survived it by not thinking about it.
“I went straight to the hospital instead of talking to Peter. My only thought was you. You wanted that baby so much. We’d just put the crib together a few days before. The blue paint was sitting in the hallway. Peter and I were supposed to paint the nursery that weekend. When they told me he was gone, I couldn’t breathe, Angel. I couldn’t get air in my lungs. I just kept thinking about the nursery, the crib, that ugly giraffe you insisted on buying for him. I knew you’d need me, because I needed you. I hurt so much, and the only thing that could possibly make it better was to see you, to assure myself you were okay.”
When he paused and took a breath, Angel felt herself soften a fraction of an inch. She saw his grief reflected in his eyes, his voice. It was the same grief she’d lived with for so long.
“When I got to the hospital, they told me what happened, that they’d had to do emergency surgery, and the baby died before they were able to get him out. He was only twenty weeks. I asked if I could see him. I just wanted to see him, you know, hold him at least once, but they told me they’d already disposed of him as…medical waste.”
Angel had been told the same thing. Standard hospital procedure. It had enraged her, and they’d sedated her. She understood the rage in his voice. Neither of them had been able to hold their son.
“Medical waste.” He shook his head, his fists clenched like he wanted to hit something. “I was so angry. I don’t even remember what I said to the doctor or the nurses who tried to calm me down. He deserved better than that. He deserved a funeral. My son was not medical waste.”
“I know.” She hugged herself, trying not to cry. The raw emotion coming out of Kade was bringing back her own grief. The debilitating pain that had nearly destroyed her.
“You were still unconscious. They said they had to sedate you, and you’d be out for hours. So I went back to the station to see Peter. I had to do something useful, something to get my mind off that horrible, gut-wrenching pain. At least I could help Peter. Only Peter didn’t want my help. He refused to roll on his bosses. The cartel knew Peter was tight with me, they’d suspect him whether he told their secrets or not. He’d be dead before the week was out. His only chance at surviving was to take the deal.” His expression grew haunted, and he stopped pacing. “Peter finally agreed, but he had a price.”
“A price?” Angel whispered, a sense of dread settling in the pit of her stomach.
“He was bitter and he was angry, but he wasn’t wrong. It was my fault. The baby died because of me. I put you both in danger. Our son’s death is on my hands. If I had told you, gotten you out of the house sooner, he’d be here now. There’s no denying that simple truth.”
He blamed himself for the nugget’s death? She could see it in every line of his body. He blamed himself. She’d never blamed him for that. Even when he’d called them collateral damage, she hadn’t blamed him. He would never do anything to harm his own child. He might look at the miscarriage as fortuitous good luck, but he wouldn’t have done anything on purpose.
“Peter said he’d take the deal if I walked away from you and made you believe I didn’t care. He said I’d done enough to his family already, that you’d hate me for arresting him and for the miscarriage. If I wanted to do right by you, I’d walk away and let you go. He wanted you to go into witness protection with him. You’d get a new life, a clean start. Maybe go to college and make something of yourself. You deserved that. And I knew without that deal, Peter was a dead man.”
“You threw it all away because Peter refused to take a deal?” She couldn’t even form the proper thoughts to tell him how stupid that was.
“No. I told him he was a fucking idiot if the thought for even a minute I’d do that, but then he said something I couldn’t argue with. Peter pointed out that the cartel knew who you were, that you were his sister and my wife. If they couldn’t get to Peter, you were the next best thing.”
“You really think they would have come after me?” Angel’s emotions were rolling around, demanding to be sorted through, but all she could focus on were Kade’s tortured words as they fell off his lips. A sinner’s confession, Father Joe would have called it.
“Yes.” The finality in that one word made Angel shudder. “They would have tortured you, and then dumped you on my doorstep. That’s how they operated. Your safety came first. I couldn’t be selfish. I had to protect you, and the only way to do it was to let you go. To make you want to go. So I went to the hospital and made you believe all those terrible things. I made you think I didn’t love you, that I didn’t care about the baby. That you meant nothing to me except as a means to an end. I lied, Angel, but I lied to keep you safe.”
Angel didn’t know what to think. She’d spent the last six years hating him because she thought he used her to take down her brother. Here he was telling her he’d done all that to protect her. Was it true? Or was he playing some kind of game with her? But that didn’t make sense either. None of it made sense.
“Why are you telling me all this now? Why not tell me when you found out Peter died? Why didn’t you look for me, Kade? I was alone, with no one.”
“As soon as Peter signed the paperwork and I talked to you, they shipped me out to Atlanta, where I finished my training. It was a six-week course. I didn’t know about Peter until I graduated. When I found out he’d been killed, I did go back to Miami to look for you, but you were gone. The house was empty. Jasmine swore she didn’t know where you were. I tried to find you, Angel, but a part of me was afraid I would find you. I knew you had to hate me even more than I feared. Peter’s death guaranteed it. I don’t know why he didn’t get on that plane. You were supposed to join him as soon as you could travel. A day or two, at most.”
“He came to see me. He told me we were going away, that it was going to be okay. Me and him, we had each other’s backs. The reason he didn’t get on that plane had to be because of me.”
He’d risked his life to come see her, knowing what Kade had just done. Peter died because he thought she needed her big brother. He’d come alone. He must have given his protective detail the slip to check on her. She lowered her face into her hands just as the first sob broke free. Her brother was dead because of her.
“Don’t do that, Angel.” She felt Kade come up beside her. “Peter’s death wasn’t your fault.”
“But he came to see me instead of getting on that plane.”
“He loved you, Angel. He’d taken care of you since you were fourteen. I can understand him needing to make sure you were okay. It was his choice, moye serdtse. He knew the risks, and he chanced it because he loved you. Don’t blame yourself for Peter’s choices.”
“You still haven’t answered my question, Kade. Why are you telling me all of this now?”
Kade let out a breath and picked up his son’s sonogram picture, all he had left of him. He rarely even pulled it out anymore. “It was almost easy once I managed to learn how to forget. The pain stopped. The grief got buried. I survived. I lied to myself. Every day I woke up and repeated the same things over and over until I finally convinced myself I believed it. You didn’t matter. The baby didn’t matter. Peter didn’t matter. It was just a job. Nothing mattered. The past was the past. I drowned myself in whiskey, women, and work. Then there you were, all spitting fire and ready to deck me. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I couldn’t hide from you or from what I’d done. You were the best and worst mistake of my life, Angel.”
“I was a mistake?”
The horror in her eyes made him reach out and take her hands. “I wasn’t supposed to get involved. I knew it was a mistake when I started it, but I couldn’t leave you alone. My handler threatened to pull me out because of how close we were getting. It would compromise the operation, he said. By that time, I knew you were pregnant, and I balked. You were the best thing to ever come along in my life. Leaving you, warranted or not, was the worst mistake of my life. It broke me, Angel, in ways I can’t even express.”
He hoped he was saying this right. He didn’t know how to express his feelings. He spent so much time burying them, it was hard to let them out.
“Why am I telling you all this now?” He squeezed her hands and tugged her closer, so there were only a few inches between them. “I’m telling you because I need you to understand why I did what I did. I only wanted to protect you because I loved you, Angel.”
“But what does any of it matter now?” she whispered, her tongue darting out to wet her lips.
“It matters, moye serdtse.” He leaned in until his forehead was pressed against hers. “It matters because I love you, and I needed you to know the truth.”
“You love me?” Kade had no words for the emotions flickering in Angel’s eyes.
“I never wanted to leave you. I loved you then, and I love you now.”
Tears glittered in her eyes and her words came out a whispered, broken mess. “What do you want from me?”
His heart twisted at the pain in her voice. He had put her through so much, and now he was going to ask so much more of her.
“That’s simple, Mrs. Kincaid. I want you.”
Angel stared, dumbfounded, into black eyes swirling with regret, pain, and warmth. Before she even had time to think, Kade leaned in, closing the small space between them, and kissed her.
The burn burst across her skin like a fire scorching along a gasoline-doused floor. It was intense, overwhelming, and she got lost in the sensation of his lips on hers. Her body craved this, ached for it, and she couldn’t see past the raw lust that consumed her. He deepened the kiss, and her arms went up and around his neck, her fingers twisting in his hair. Her mouth opened, relishing the feel of his tongue sweeping in, tangling with hers.
He tugged her and she fell off the barstool, landing against him. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her in close. Her brain was screaming at her to stop this, but her body listened to that tiny voice that had been buried for so long. Some called it an inner goddess, but she just called it her nagging voice. It always nagged at her to give in to Kade. Right now it was doing somersaults at the feel of his skin against hers.
The blare of Linkin Park sounded from Kade’s pocket, and he pulled away, breathing hard. She took several deep breaths while he pulled out his phone. “It’s Bailey. I have to take this.”
She stared, confused and bewildered, when he set her on her feet and walked out of the room, the phone to his ear.
Her fingers touched her swollen lips, shocked.
What the hell just happened?