Chapter Twelve
Decisively closing his eyes, Colin willed himself to sleep. He wore just his thin undergarments, finding the air in the cabin stifling. His back ached from his earlier tumble, and no position seemed comfortable.
It was the first night in his new home, and Colin wished he could feel settled. Yet the minutes crept by, and his brain wouldn’t stop whirling. He listened to Robbie snore and wondered if Patrick was asleep yet. Colin knew he should just ignore Patrick altogether but found it impossible.
The answer of whether Patrick slept yet was soon answered by a rustle of clothing and his stealthy approach to where Colin lay. Colin kept his eyes shut, even as Patrick perched beside him. There was a soft laugh and whisper. “I know you’re awake.”
Sighing, Colin opened his eyes. Patrick was shirtless, and the moonlight caressed the planes of his chest. “What do you want?”
“Feeling all right? That was quite a fall.”
“Yes. Fine.” In truth, Colin was sure he’d be painted with bruises tomorrow.
“Liar.” Patrick leaned close. “I’ll help you feel better.” He reached down and squeezed Colin’s cock gently through the thin cotton covering him.
Colin grasped Patrick’s wrist. “No.”
“What, him?” Patrick glanced up at Robbie. “He’s dead to the world.”
“No. Not him. You.”
Patrick compressed his lips and whispered, “How long are you going to keep this up? I’m sorry, all right?”
“No. I might as well be a farm animal to you. This is all you want me for.”
“For pity’s sake. Forget these flowery notions and be a man.”
Enraged, Colin bolted upright and took Patrick’s arm, shaking it roughly as he hissed, “I am a man. My own man. For the first time in my life, I’m a part of something. I have skills. I’m needed. I’m a proper stockman. A good one. I’m not an aimless child any longer!”
“Prove it, then.” Patrick reached down and boldly squeezed Colin’s cock.
“No!” Colin shoved Patrick’s chest with both hands and whispered, “No.”
Patrick huffed in irritation. “Fine. Be a stubborn mule.” He stalked back to his bed and rolled toward the wall, his back to Colin.
Sleep was now certainly the furthest thing from Colin’s mind as he stewed over Patrick’s nerve. How dare he get upset? Colin stared at the uneven roof and fumed. It was going to be a very long night.
On the journey from Sydney, Colin had focused on reaching the station and hadn’t much considered what they’d find there. The answer, it turned out, was endless work. Aside from caring for the herd and making sure they were fed and watered and healthy, fences needed to be built, and that required materials. With Cobar in the lead, they filled their days with felling suitable trees, sawing the wood into the sizes they needed, and transporting it.
According to Robbie’s estimation and the map Cobar had drawn, Emily’s station, which still had no name, was roughly seventy miles square. For now they had built a large horse paddock and temporarily penned in the herd over a field that stretched out beyond the main cabin. The herd would need to move regularly to find fresh grass to eat. A riverbed ran through a long portion of the property, although it was dry in summer.
Aside from caring for the herd and growing it, they had to build a permanent fence around the perimeter of the station property. It would take months, if not years.
Colin and Patrick coexisted peacefully enough, each man seeming to take care not to pay much attention to the other. Colin threw himself into the work, which he enjoyed despite the harsh conditions. He found a satisfaction in working with his hands that he had never experienced in all his years of study.
After a long day of felling trees with Robbie, Colin changed his sweat-soaked shirt and gratefully drank a fruit juice Tallara gave him. The sky turned vibrant orange, tinged with pink, as the sun set. The flies disappeared, and the air was remarkably cooler within mere minutes. Australia was nothing if not a land of extremes.
Cobar and Patrick headed out on foot in the fading light. Patrick seemed to have taken an interest in hunting, or perhaps his interest lay simply in being as far away from Colin as possible. Although he knew Cobar was married to Tallara, Colin couldn’t help but feel a stab of jealousy. He wondered why Robbie didn’t accompany them as he watched them disappear into the bush.
Tallara was cooking supper, and the delicious aromas made Colin’s stomach rumble. He wandered over the gentle rise beyond the cabin and spotted Robbie and Emily by the herd’s pasture. Robbie seemed agitated about something and abruptly stalked off as Colin approached.
Emily perched on the new fence surrounding the cattle, and Colin pulled himself up beside her. He patted the wood. “We didn’t do a bad job.”
Emily was clearly troubled, her thoughts elsewhere. “Hmm? Yes, I’m pleasantly surprised, I must admit.”
“Is everything all right? I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
Her laugh was forced. “Interrupt? No, of course not.”
Although quite unconvinced, Colin changed the subject. “You know, I think we’d be lost without Cobar and his way around the bush. Seems like he can find whatever we need before we even know we need it. I can’t imagine how we’ll find enough wood the right size to go around the whole station, though.”
“One piece at a time.”
“Yes, I imagine so.”
She gazed at the horizon, where the moon slowly emerged. “Sometimes I can hardly believe it’s the same sun and moon in the sky. Everything here is so much bigger, somehow.”
“Truly. England seems so miniscule. So distant now. Like another life. Which it was, I suppose.” He gazed up at the darkening sky. “Even the constellations are different here. Sometimes it’s as if we’re on another planet altogether.”
Staring into the distance, Emily spoke almost as if Colin wasn’t present. “I never wanted to come here. It was Stephen’s grand ambition. To be a pioneer. I suggested America, but he declared it was too full of people already. He wanted to blaze new trails. He got the idea in his head of becoming a rancher. So here I am.” Her smile was heartbreaking. “And he lies at the bottom of the sea.”
“But look at what you’ve accomplished. You’re the bravest woman I know. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.”
Emily’s eyes glistened. “As he died, I promised him I’d see it through. The station, the cattle, all of it. But I’m not brave, Colin. I’m weak. So very, very weak. Faithless.”
Colin wanted to reach out but wasn’t sure if he should. “You’re far too hard on yourself, Emily.”
“No. I’m an awful woman. You have no idea.”
“What is it you think you’ve done?” Colin was perplexed as to where this was coming from. “You’ve honored your husband’s wishes as he never could have hoped.”
“I loved Stephen so much. I did. Truly.” She sniffed and wiped her eyes uselessly as more tears spilled over.
“Of course you did.” Colin was still mystified but didn’t press.
“It’s just…as you said, it feels like another life. It’s been naught but months, but he’s receded so far into the distance.” She looked away, and her voice was barely more than a whisper. “I’ve felt so adrift and he was there, and…it was a comfort.”
After a moment, Colin realized the “he” in question was not her husband. He’d been so preoccupied with his own romantic entanglement that he hadn’t been paying attention to anyone else. “Robbie?”
Emily nodded miserably. “Just the one night. Yet I can’t stop thinking of him. He makes me feel alive again.”
Colin was actually quite pleased by the news. “I don’t see the wrong in it. You’re still alive. You’re young. Surely your husband would have wanted you to be happy?”
She stared at him, shocked. “Don’t see the wrong? It’s wicked! I’m thirty-eight years. Old enough to be his mother! Can you imagine what people would say?” She buried her head in her hands.
Colin glanced at the vast emptiness around them. “Who, Emily? We’re not in England.”
She wiped her eyes. “I know, but…surely you of all people understand? When I think of what my family would say…”
“Of course I understand. My parents would die of shame to see me performing menial tasks. Factor in my wicked nature and they’d both have the vapors.”
Emily looked down at herself. “I think the trousers alone would give my mother need of smelling salts.” She shook her head. “I can’t help but worry about their opinions.”
“I know. But our families aren’t here. Nor are the gossiping ladies at Sunday church. Who here will judge? Patrick and me? Cobar and Tallara?” I think I can safely say none of us will think badly of it. Robbie’s been smitten since the day you met.”
She glanced up. “Really?”
Colin smiled softly. “I was usually too busy with Patrick to think on it, but looking back, Robbie’s fancied you for quite a while.”
Happiness flickered across her face for a moment, but she shook her head doggedly. “It’s madness. He’s a fine young man, but he needs a woman he can have a future with.”
“He can’t have a future with you?”
“An old widow? What kind of life would that be? Surely he wants children.”
Colin didn’t want to pry and ask why Emily didn’t have any children of her own, though he’d idly wondered about it before. “Have you spoken to him about it?”
“No. He’s keen to talk, but I’ve avoided him at every turn.”
“Ah. Patrick seems to be taking a page from your book.” Colin knew he’d pushed him away and wasn’t being entirely fair, but he silenced that inner voice.
Emily placed her hand on Colin’s arm. “What happened between you? I didn’t want to pry.”
Shrugging, Colin tried to laugh but didn’t quite make it. “Nothing. Apparently everything we shared was…nothing. To him, anyway.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” She grew quiet for a long moment, clearly troubled. “Colin, there’s something else I must confess.”
“All right. Although I still don’t see anything wrong with you and Robbie together.”
“I think you’ll feel differently about this.” After taking a deep breath, Emily exhaled slowly. “Please understand that I never meant any harm. I was frightened and overwhelmed, and I let myself be manipulated.”
Colin wasn’t sure what was coming, but he grew increasingly apprehensive. “What’s this about?”
“The government isn’t going to check on you. As far as they’re concerned, you’re not even in Australia.”
This was certainly not what Colin expected. “I’m sorry? I don’t understand.”
“When we were on that ship and Stephen died, at first I thought I’d turn around and take the first voyage back. I couldn’t fathom going on.” She paused, seeming to struggle with her thoughts. “I was alone. One of the crew told me how difficult it is in the colony to find labor. It was all so overwhelming.”
Colin was wary. “Go on.”
“Once I decided that I wouldn’t turn around and run back home, I knew I needed help. Some prisoners, if they have the skills, can be placed with settlers, but they said there was a mile-long list and I’d wait months at the minimum. This man knew one of the guards, and he said they could arrange something with an official in Sydney. So I paid them. For you and Patrick.”
“You…bought us?” Colin was stunned.
“It sounds so dreadful when you put it like that. I was desperate. I’d gotten it in my head that I needed to do this. For Stephen. I didn’t think anyone would get hurt. You were strangers to me. Convicts. Sinners. I never thought of you as…”
“Human?” Colin asked. There was a hollowness in his chest.
“But you weren’t at all what I expected. That day in the store, you asked for paper and ink to write home and you were both good men, kind men, and I wanted to tell you the truth, I did. But I was ashamed and afraid, and I didn’t know what to do.” Her words spilled out on top of each other in a rush.
Shocked, Colin wasn’t sure how to feel. He honestly forgot sometimes that he and Patrick were still prisoners. Still, he’d thought of Emily as a friend, and the fact that she’d deceived him slashed deeply. “When were you going to tell us?”
Emily seemed to be struggling for the right words. “I…I don’t know. I hadn’t planned it, and I told myself I would. When the time was right. I’m so sorry, Colin.”
“Where does this leave us? Patrick and I?”
“The ship’s record was doctored, and your papers destroyed. You’re free to go. And I’ll pay you for all your work. Whenever you want to leave, I’ll help you as much as I can.”
Leave. Colin had no idea where he’d go. The possibilities flickered by in his mind—back to Sydney, another part of Australia, return to England. None were appealing whatsoever, he found. It had taken so long to get to the station, and he was certain he didn’t want to leave it now. “And if I want to stay?”
Emily’s smile was shocked and hopeful. “You’d stay? Truly?”
“Yes. I want to build this station. Make it great. Make it something to be proud of.” Colin had never felt such a sense of purpose in his life. “I don’t care about the money. I have everything I need here.”
“I will pay you, of course, for all your work. We’ll sort it all out once the herd grows and we can make some profit.”
“Agreed.”
Emily’s eyes swam with tears once more. “You’re one of the finest men I’ve ever known. I promise I’ll earn your trust. I’ll make it right. I’ll tell Patrick tonight and—”
“No! Don’t tell him.” Colin gathered himself after his outburst. “What I mean is…not yet. Don’t tell him yet.”
She was silent for a few moments. “Because he won’t want to stay.”
Colin shook his head. “No. He won’t. His pride wouldn’t allow it. He’d go and never return.” He knew he was being unspeakably selfish, but no matter how angry he might be with Patrick, the idea of never seeing him again was untenable. “Just for now. We’ll tell him when the time is right.”
“Once things are more…settled between you.”
“Yes. Then we’ll tell him everything.” That voice inside told him that he should be honest now and not keep Patrick in the dark, but he smothered it.
“He does care for you very much, you know. He can be a hard man, but he doesn’t hide his feelings as well as he’d like.” She pulled out a handkerchief from her pocket and blew her nose. “Matters of the heart are always so dreadfully complicated. We’re quite a pair, aren’t we?”
Colin gently wrapped his arm over her shoulders, and she melted against him. The stars were brightening in the clear sky overhead. “Yes, I suppose we are.”
“Thank you for understanding. I couldn’t imagine it here without you now.”
He squeezed her affectionately. He didn’t see the sense in being angry with her deception. He likely would have ended up in far worse circumstances if not for Emily. “You still need to think of a name, you know. For the station.”
“Nothing’s come to me yet. Any suggestions?”
“I think you’ll know it when you hear it.”
Leaning against each other as the stars brightened, they watched the sky, full with possibility.
After a morning of tending to the herd and ensuring the animals were healthy and content, Colin and Patrick moved on to fencing. They worked in silence broken only by the odd grunt of exertion.
The sun was unfettered by even the slightest hint of a cloud. Colin felt as if he might never feel rain on his skin again. He marveled that anything grew on the bone-dry land at all. Cobar had told him the rain would come in winter, but Colin could barely imagine it.
“Never thought I’d miss the rain.” Patrick gulped from his canteen. It was as if he’d read Colin’s mind.
“Or the damp that seeps right into your bones.”
“Never sounded quite so good.”
Patrick walked over to a low stack of wood Robbie or Cobar had left earlier. His boot kicked one of the small logs, and it tumbled to the ground. A flash of movement caught Colin’s eye, and he cried out as Patrick bent to retrieve the log. “No!”
Patrick froze. The snake that had been curled in the woodpile slithered away in a flash, retreating into the dry shrubbery. It had looked a most ordinary brown color, which Robbie had warned was one of the most deadly snakes of all.
Colin had instinctively rushed to Patrick’s side, and gripped Patrick’s waist, the other hand on his shoulder. Patrick whistled as he straightened. “There’s another thing I miss. No bloody snakes in Ireland.”
As the burst of panic faded, Colin managed a smile. “We need your namesake to pay a visit and drive the miserable creatures from this island too.”
Patrick peered over his shoulder as his hand covered Colin’s on his waist. “Looks as if you rescued me again.”
They were only inches apart, and Colin leaned into Patrick, his body moving seemingly of its own accord. The brims of their hats bumped, and Patrick tossed his to the ground as he turned, snaking his arms around Colin’s back. Colin knew he should move away, but the heat from Patrick’s body and the bald desire in his gaze melted Colin’s defenses.
“Want you.” Patrick ran his thumb over Colin’s lower lip, sending blood rushing to his cock.
The sound of an approaching horse broke the spell, and Colin stumbled back. As Robbie rode up, Patrick swore under his breath and jammed his hat back on.
“How’s it going?” Robbie asked far too cheerfully.
Colin mumbled a reply, and soon they went back to the task at hand, silent once more.
Unable to sleep that night, Colin dressed silently in the dark. Robbie had turned in early after saying barely two words all evening. Colin wasn’t sure whether to commiserate with him or give Robbie his space, and in the end said nothing. There was silence from Patrick’s side of the cabin, where Colin could make him out, curled on his side toward the wall.
Closing the door gently behind him, Colin breathed deeply of the cool night air and walked toward the pasture. All was quiet but for the scuttle of the odd animal in the nearby bush. Colin passed the herd and kept walking until he came to an old tree atop a wooded slope. He sat and leaned against it, drinking in the night.
A spot of exercise and fresh air was evidently the cure for his insomnia, and his eyes soon grew heavy. The crackle of movement in the dry undergrowth snapped Colin wide awake a few moments later. Eyes wide, he gazed about in the darkness, standing slowly. Breath shallow, he told himself it was merely a stray wallaby or piglike wombat. Or perhaps some other creature he hadn’t come across yet. Preferably harmless.
There was a footfall, and a figure emerged from amid the trees.
Patrick.
Colin knew him at a glance, even in the shadows. He exhaled, the tension in his limbs releasing. “Announce yourself next time.”
Patrick halted a few feet away. “Apologies, Lord. Did you think I was something coming to eat you?” His tone was light and teasing.
Colin reminded himself that he was angry and that Patrick’s charm didn’t change that. “What do you want?”
Stepping closer, Patrick reached for him. “Come now. Let’s not quarrel.”
Colin stepped from his grasp. “Go away. There’s nothing else to say.”
“There is, actually.”
“What, another lecture? I know your philosophy, Patrick. Trust only yourself. I still don’t agree and I never will.”
“I was wrong.”
This was certainly not the response he had anticipated, and it stopped him short. “Pardon?”
“I said, I was wrong.”
“Words I never thought I’d hear from your lips.” Colin remained guarded. “What’s brought this on?”
“Narrowly escaping a murderous snake would make any man take stock. I’ve had enough. Avoiding each other. Being angry. To what end?” He inched closer, gaze intense. “I do trust you, Colin. It doesn’t come easily to me. But I do.” He reached up, fingertips like a feathery kiss on Colin’s cheek. “When the fever took me, there were times I could hear your voice. Feel your touch. I remember knowing I was…safe.”
Colin leaned into Patrick despite himself. “Why are you telling me now?”
“Because I don’t want to spend another night not having you in my bed.”
Stepping back, Colin shook his head. “That’s all you care about.”
Patrick caught him about the waist. “And because it’s the truth.” He looked at Colin seriously. “When I was ill, I knew deep down that you’d protect me. Just as you did that night, going against your father and the men who wanted to wring my neck. So yes, Colin. I do trust you.”
Guilt nipped at him. Here Patrick stood, telling Colin he had his trust, when Colin was keeping Emily’s truth from him. He’ll leave you. He doesn’t need to know, not now. What good will it do? Colin wanted nothing more than to fall into Patrick’s arms. “And you admit that this—this thing between us—it’s more than physical. More than amusement. More than passing time.”
“Aye. ’Tis.”
Seemingly of their own accord, Colin’s arms stole around Patrick’s waist, his heart soaring at Patrick’s confession. The guilt gnawed harder, teeth sharp as he stared into Patrick’s eyes. Tell him. Colin took a breath, but the words evaporated. He’d tell him soon. Soon.
Then they were kissing, mouths open, tongues questing as they fit their bodies together, coming alive. All other thoughts vanished, and Colin drank Patrick in as he had the night air earlier—the taste of his mouth, the stroke of his tongue, the low moans in his throat that vibrated and seemed to go straight to Colin’s cock. It was headier than any wine he’d ever sipped.
Patrick drew back, and Colin gulped the cool air before leaning in to kiss him again. He felt as if he’d been dying of thirst in the cruel sun and now he’d found the sweetest water. Patrick held him close, hands stealing up below Colin’s shirt, roaming over his skin.
Colin moaned in protest when Patrick tore his mouth away, but soon quivered with excitement as Patrick sank to his knees, his hands quick on Colin’s belt and trousers. Colin was already hard, and his cock curved upward as Patrick stroked it teasingly. Looking up, Patrick’s smile was mischievous as Colin bucked his hips eagerly. Patrick ran his tongue along the pulsing vein on the underside of Colin’s cock, his fingers dancing over Colin’s bollocks.
Groaning, Colin submitted to the delicious torment, leaning back against the thick trunk of the gum tree. He longed for release, but Patrick’s touch was tenaciously nimble, teasing him and stoking the desire that pooled in his belly until Colin was sure he’d explode with wanting.
As Patrick slipped his tongue into the slit at the end of Colin’s cock, Colin reached out and tangled his fingers in Patrick’s hair, urging him on. Relenting, Patrick took him into the moist heat of his mouth, sucking forcefully. Where moments before it had been all lightness and skimming touches, now Patrick’s mouth stretched as he took Colin in deeply.
As Patrick opened his throat, Colin pumped his hips forward, thrusting in. His own harsh moans and breaths were loud in the still of the night as he took control, possessing Patrick’s mouth, grasping his head in place as he pushed into the tight, wet pressure, his cock throbbing.
Patrick swallowed around him as Colin drove in, grunting as the flickers of pure bliss fanned into flames that spread out from his cock. He thought about what it would be like to mount Patrick and ride him, to pulse inside him as he was now inside his soft, wet mouth. With a shudder and final thrust, Colin came, shooting down Patrick’s throat. He emptied, head thrown back, eyes closed as his body quaked with ecstasy.
His fingers loosening in Patrick’s hair, Colin slipped from his mouth. Boneless and panting, he sank to his knees, his trousers tangled around his feet. He could make out glistening strings of his seed on Patrick’s swollen lips and kissed him deeply, tasting himself. He reached for Patrick’s cock, but found it soft and wet.
Chuckling, Patrick shrugged. “My hand was free once you took over.”
Colin laughed softly and ran his thumb along Patrick’s lower lip. Although Patrick had pleasured Colin with his mouth before, he’d always remained firmly in control. If Patrick’s words hadn’t convinced Colin of his trust, his actions had.
A stab of shame at his deception returned, most unwelcome. Colin shifted and stifled the troublesome guilt.
Patrick caressed Colin’s cheek. “What is it?”
“Naught.” Smiling, Colin kissed him tenderly and settled into Patrick’s arms.
He’d tell him when the time was right.