Chapter Five
In the days that followed, Colin tried to go on as if nothing had happened. Yet his skin felt as if it crawled, and although he scoured himself raw when he bathed, he wished he could stay in the steel basin all day, scrubbing.
He hadn’t gotten a good look at his attackers and was even more wary of the other prisoners than he had been before. He found himself sleeping more in the daytime, outside on the deck. He closed his eyes whenever he had the chance and imagined he was anywhere else.
Colin hated being so weak. Yet he felt unaccountably ashamed for what had happened. He should have been more alert, more ready to defend himself. He should have been able to fight them off. Should have been stronger. Faster. Better.
The days ticked by slowly, the monotony setting in. Colin slept fitfully at night, afraid to be off guard if he slumbered too deeply. He lay awake, listening to the snores and rustles around him, constantly wary. Patrick’s presence below him was a comfort, but Colin still feared the night.
One morning after prayers, Reverend Sewell approached Colin where he sat on the wooden deck in the shade, eyes closed.
“Colin, isn’t it?”
Colin opened his eyes and nodded cautiously. He’d never had much interest in the church aside from the opportunity to go into town every week. He hadn’t taken to the sermons the way his parents had. Perhaps because he knew deep down he was a sinner—or worse—in the church’s eyes.
The reverend took a seat beside him. He was a young man, likely fresh from the seminary. Ginger freckles dotted his pale skin, and Colin mused they would both have to battle the sun in Australia. “How are you adjusting? You look quite tired.”
Colin hadn’t seen his reflection since leaving his bedroom at home. “Do I?” He wondered what he would see the next time he had occasion to look in a mirror. He remembered his manners and added, “Thank you for asking.”
“You’re well-bred. This must be a difficult transition.”
Colin had to laugh. “Yes, you could say that.”
“You certainly stand out among the murderers and rapists. Even the petty thieves.”
“Yes, I must. A weakling compared to them.”
The reverend frowned. “Not at all. You just don’t have a lifetime of experience dealing with these harsh situations as they do. I must confess, I’m finding it a challenge to make any progress with the inmates on the whole. I’m quite out of my element as well.”
Colin was surprised to be taken into the reverend’s confidence and found he was pleased. “Why are you here? Going to the other side of the world? Couldn’t you have had a parish somewhere in England?”
“Yes, I could have. But I felt the need would be greater here among the convicts and in the new society in Australia. My life can have greater meaning in the colony. I can serve God better.”
“An admirable goal.”
Sewell smiled. “I like to think so.”
Colin found himself smiling too, and it was a welcome change. “I wish I were going to Australia to find greater purpose.”
“Perhaps you are. God has a plan, you know. If you let go of the past, you can embrace the future. Become a new person.”
“Perhaps.” Colin wasn’t sure what kind of person he’d become in prison.
Sewell glanced at his timepiece. “I’m afraid I must go and see to the children’s schooling. I’ve tried to persuade the captain into letting me hold classes for the prisoners, but he already chafes against the enlightened conditions you’re enjoying. Getting to come up for air at all is an improvement.”
“I shudder to imagine how it was before.”
“Yes, I’ve heard disturbing tales from the crew. Quite disturbing.” Sewell got to his feet. “I’ve enjoyed our conversation, Colin. Do get some sleep, and don’t be so hard on yourself. I hope we can speak again.”
Colin called after him as the reverend walked away. “Thank you.”
Sewell acknowledged him with a nod. Colin felt refreshed after their discussion. Instead of closing his eyes and escaping to an imaginary world, he watched the reverend on the upper deck with the closely guarded children. He’d heard that some of the guards were settlers themselves and had brought their families.
Colin envied them. At least they were going into the unknown together. At the thought, he glanced about for Patrick and blinked in surprise to find Patrick watching him across the deck. Patrick turned sharply and spoke to one of the Irishmen, but Colin smiled to himself. Perhaps he was having an effect on Patrick after all.
That night he slept soundly, determined not to be ruled by his fear. Yet the nightmares came once more, hands gripping him, smothering him. He gasped awake to find a figure standing by the bunk. He shied away, pressing himself against the hull.
“’Tis only me.” Patrick’s tone was soothing, and Colin unclenched his muscles.
“I’m sorry to wake you.” Colin’s voice was little more than a croak, and his heart hammered. He wondered if he’d ever have a decent night’s rest again.
“Come on.” Patrick gave him a gentle tug, and Colin gratefully slid off the bunk. Patrick urged him onto his own berth, and Colin lay on his side toward the hull, with Patrick large and reassuring behind him, just as they had the night of the attack. “Now sleep,” Patrick commanded.
Amazingly, Colin did. He woke in the darkness some hours later, unsure of the time but feeling that morning would soon be upon them. The faint light from the guards’ station provided the only light. Colin stretched his limbs as best he could without disturbing Patrick.
He’d slept deeply, and as he shifted, he realized the day must indeed be fast approaching as his morning stiffness made itself known for the first time since boarding the ship. Well rested indeed. He hadn’t touched himself in weeks, and he rubbed his cock with the heel of his hand through his trousers.
Patrick cleared his throat, and Colin froze. “Good morning.” Patrick’s tone was light.
Colin yanked his hand away as if his trousers were alight, and his face flamed. Patrick rolled Colin onto his back with gentle pressure on his shoulder. In the dimness, Colin could just make out Patrick’s puzzlement. “I was only teasing.” He spoke quietly, as the men around them hadn’t stirred. “Don’t feel badly.”
“But I shouldn’t…”
“What?”
“You know.”
“Feel pleasure? Don’t be embarrassed by it. There’s precious little in life to enjoy as it is.”
“It’s just…” Colin took a deep breath. “I spent years feeling guilty. And then those men, they made me feel so…” He struggled to put it into words. “Humiliated.”
“Listen to me. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. It’s a natural thing.”
Colin’s breath hitched as Patrick reached down and stroked him lightly through the rough material. In the still of the dawn, curled together on the tiny bunk, it was as if they were in their own world. Warm pleasure unfurled as Patrick touched him. Patrick stilled his hand, and peered at Colin intently. “Tell me if you want to stop.”
It was quite possibly the very furthest thing from Colin’s mind. “Please go on.”
He’d dreamed of being touched by Patrick so many times that he wasn’t sure if this was a fantasy or not. His body tingled, and his hips lifted of their own accord so Patrick could peel down Colin’s pants and drawers, freeing his cock and bollocks.
Squeezing farther down on the bunk, Patrick dipped his head. Colin wondered what he was doing just before Patrick’s lips met the head of Colin’s cock. He gasped in astonishment and awe at the heady feeling as Patrick caressed him lightly with his tongue. Colin had heard bawdy tales from William and his school chums about the acts wanton ladies performed, but he’d never quite believed them.
Patrick’s mouth and hands were infinitely gentle, and he took Colin deeper, stroking and sucking him. The tight, wet sensation was incredible. Colin’s entire body felt lighter than air, and he imagined he would have floated right up into the bottom of his bunk if not for Patrick’s weight.
The sparks of pleasure curled outward from his cock like tendrils. He breathed shallowly through his parted lips, careful to stay quiet, wishing he could shout his joy to the heavens.
As Patrick pleasured him with his mouth, sweet pressure built in Colin’s loins. Patrick seemed to know just where to touch, and with the perfect amount of pressure from his lips and tongue. The tension finally exploded in a wave that swept Colin’s body and left him trembling. He sucked in a deep breath as he returned to earth. He’d spilled in Patrick’s mouth, but Patrick didn’t seem to mind in the least, and he cleaned Colin’s cock with lazy swipes of his tongue, sending tremors all the way to Colin’s toes.
Light flared, and one of the guards boomed, “Wake up!” The guards would now be out to light lanterns throughout the hold. Patrick tossed Colin the discarded blanket from the foot of the bed and disappeared up onto Colin’s bunk in the blink of an eye. If one of the guards caught them sharing a single berth, there would be serious consequences.
It was Ford who ambled down their side of the hold. He paused by their bunk, and Colin’s heart thumped as Ford leaned down. “Weren’t you on the other side when we left England?”
Colin tried to formulate an excuse, but no words would come. To his complete shock, Ford’s mouth twitched into a smile after a moment. Then he was gone, continuing on his rounds. Colin breathed a sigh of relief and buttoned up his trousers beneath the blanket.
As they lined up to go bathe, Colin stole glances at Patrick. Patrick acted the same as ever, as if nothing extraordinary had taken place only minutes before. Up on the decks, Patrick joined his group and Colin had to stay with his. He washed himself thoroughly, his cock tingling as he brushed it under the shallow water in the metal basin.
Then it was time for breakfast, and then back up on deck for their morning exercise. Patrick joined his friends, and Colin stood at the ship’s rail, telling himself not to let it bother him. He knew he couldn’t expect anything from Patrick, but he’d been with another man, and it had been incredible. Empowering.
As the day went on, Colin’s stomach somersaulted agreeably when he remembered the pleasures brought by Patrick’s mouth. The tenderness of his touch. For the first time, Colin looked forward to the darkness. After dinner, he waited in his bunk as the others milled about. Patrick returned as the lights were downed.
He gave Colin a smile. “Sleep well, Lord.”
Slumber was the last thing on Colin’s mind. “I thought perhaps…”
Patrick chuckled. “Did you now?”
A guard approached, and Patrick disappeared onto his bunk. After a moment, Colin heard his whisper. “Sleep.”
Colin sighed, disappointed. He knew the risks and the punishment they faced if caught, but he craved Patrick’s closeness. He snaked his hand down below his waistband, and he stroked himself to completion, fantasies running through his mind. Then he slept peacefully.
The next afternoon, Reverend Sewell approached as Colin strolled around the perimeter of the deck. “You’re looking well, Colin. I’m glad of it.”
“Am I? Thank you.” The good reverend would surely be shocked to know one of the reasons for Colin’s improved bearing. “You know, I’ve decided to take your counsel.”
“Glad to hear it! Er, which aspect in particular?”
“Letting go of the past.” Colin wasn’t going to let anyone make him ashamed. He was done with nightmares.
“Ah, yes. It can be a powerful thing.”
After the reverend left, Colin looked out at the endless horizon, where his future lay. He vowed that he would greet it at the ready, with eyes open.