Chapter Three
Colin wasn’t sure what woke him. He blinked at the morning light streaming through the windows and wondered why he was still dressed, laying atop his blankets—
He remembered the events of the previous night with a sickening churn in the pit of his stomach. What had he done? He closed his eyes, replaying it all in his mind. He’d paced around his room for hours until finally falling asleep sometime before dawn.
Taking a deep breath, Colin blew it out slowly. He had spoken aloud a truth he’d taken years to accept. Even if he’d never actually performed the acts himself, he’d sinned in his heart and mind. Given half the chance, he’d eagerly lie with another man.
Colin heard the twist of metal, and William appeared in the doorway. He looked as exhausted as Colin felt. His suit was rumpled, and he didn’t appear to have slept. Colin swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat, waiting. William perched stiffly beside him.
“You’ve never…been with a man.” It was a statement, not a question. William knew Colin too well to believe his bold proclamations.
Colin shook his head.
“But you wish to.”
Holding his breath, Colin nodded. After a long moment of silence dragged on, Colin dared to look at his cousin. To his utter horror, William’s eyes glistened with tears. “Will—”
“You can’t mean it. I don’t understand how it’s possible. You’re my best friend. I would have known. I should have known.” William wiped his eyes, to no avail. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to! Oh, I wanted to. But how could I? What would you have said?”
William grasped Colin’s shoulder, his words earnest. “You’re confused. We can work this out. You don’t need to condemn yourself. Take back what you said last night. Tell them it was a lie. A foolish lie!”
Colin shook his head sadly. “No, Will. I know what I feel. It took me years to understand it. To accept it. But I know you can’t.”
Bolting up, William paced. “Of course not! It’s wrong, Colin. It’s a crime. A sin. You have a sickness.”
“It doesn’t feel that way to me. It feels right. Natural.” It was fantastical to actually express these thoughts out loud.
“But what kind of life do you want? A life of depravity? Of misery?”
Colin exhaled slowly. It was a fine question. “I don’t know. Not this.” Colin gestured about him. “I’ve never been happy. Never fit in. I don’t know what kind of life is possible for me now, but I know I can’t go back. For better or worse, that life is over.”
“Don’t say that, Colin.” William seemed stricken.
“At least now I don’t have to carry this secret. There’s freedom in that, Will. A strange sort of happiness.”
William took that in for a few moments. He shook his head as if defeated. “We had such plans. I thought we’d do everything together. Go to Cambridge. Find wives eventually, have families. But now…”
“You’ll make a good husband, Will. A good father. I hope one day I can be your friend again. Know your family, even.” The thought of not having William in his life was sorrowful. Colin swallowed thickly over the lump in his throat.
William paled. “They haven’t told you.”
A new fear flared to life, and Colin’s voice was hoarse. “Told me?”
“The prisons. They’re already overcrowded. There’s simply no room.”
Panic thrummed in Colin’s veins. “To the gallows, then?”
“No, no. To Australia.”
“The penal colony?” Colin was stunned. This outcome hadn’t occurred to him in all his hours of pacing and worrying. He didn’t know what to think. Australia. The word itself sounded foreign and strange.
“There’s a ship sailing two days hence. You’re leaving for port later today, arriving tomorrow.”
“Today? So soon. Patrick too?” Colin felt as if he’d wake at any moment and this would all be but a fearsome dream.
“Yes.”
Colin was flooded with relief. At least he’d saved Patrick’s life. That was something he could never regret. “Australia. I never imagined I’d actually leave England.”
“It’s the other side of the world.”
“Yes, I suppose it is.” Colin realized he would never meet William’s children. Emotion choked his voice. “I shall miss you.” His eyes welled. “So very much. What will I do without you?”
William wiped his own tears and yanked Colin to his feet, hands firm on his shoulders. “You shall be brave. You’ll get through it.”
“I’m so frightened, Will.” A sob racked Colin, and he threw himself in his cousin’s arms. For a moment, William tensed, but then he held Colin close.
When they separated, William straightened his jacket and took long breaths. “I won’t see you again before you leave.”
Colin had never known grief so intense. He struggled to maintain his composure.
“Promise you’ll write.”
Colin blinked in surprise, sniffling. “You’d accept my letters?”
William smiled sadly. “Always, Colin. Always.”
With that, he was gone. Colin curled up on his bed, still in the previous night’s finery, and cried until there was nothing left.
A few hours later, Colin’s mother strode into his room. He’d changed into what he considered sensible clothing for sailing on a convict ship—sturdy trousers and a cotton shirt. Elizabeth stood there, eyes puffy, face drawn. When Colin started to speak, she held up her hand.
“The magistrate will be here shortly. They’ve worked it all out. You will plead guilty, and he will accept your plea.”
“Guilty to what?”
Elizabeth struggled to utter the words. “Attempted buggery.” She appeared nauseated. “Be thankful this lesser charge doesn’t carry the death sentence. If there were hard proof, you’d both end up hanging.”
“Instead it’s off to Australia.” Colin was still in a state of shock. The very notion that he would soon be on a convict ship was outlandish.
Elizabeth shuddered and suppressed a sob. Colin opened his arms and stepped toward her. “Mother—”
“No!” She stumbled back, her sobs becoming shrieks. “Don’t touch me! You sicken me!”
Colin retreated, crossing his arms over his stomach, trying very hard to keep his composure. “I’m sorry.”
“I can’t even bear to look at you! You father wouldn’t come up here with me.” She wailed. “What have we done to deserve this? How could this happen? This perversion! In our son. Under our roof! We gave you everything, and you spit it back in our faces!”
“I never meant to hurt you.”
Elizabeth laughed, a brittle sound. “As if you thought of us at all. I don’t want to know with whom you’ve committed these unnatural acts. I shudder to think it was that Irish piece of filth. Tell me; did he lead you down this path to damnation?”
Unbidden, Colin’s mind flickered back to that rainy afternoon in the stable. Patrick had only unknowingly shown Colin his true desires. “No, Mother.”
She narrowed her gaze, and for the first time, Colin felt unnervingly that his mother truly could see into his soul. “I don’t believe you. You must care for him. To have spoken as you did last night.” Fresh tears spilled onto her cheeks. “You care more for him than your own family! Our reputation! Oh, I hope it was worth it, Colin.” She turned and fled, locking the door emphatically behind her.
Colin sank down on his window seat. The glass was cool against his forehead, and he steadied his breathing. There would be no more watching for William coming down the drive. No more spying Patrick and the horses in the meadow.
He’d been fascinated and frightened by Patrick, and compelled by him in a way he couldn’t explain. When he’d thought Patrick might die, Colin had experienced an agony and panic he hadn’t thought possible. He thought of his mother’s accusations. Was it worth it?
Now that Pandora’s box was opened, Colin felt a strange relief. No more courting young women he had no interest in. No more textbooks and studies he didn’t care about. No more hiding. For better or worse, the truth was out.
As the day progressed, the “worse” side of the equation weighed heavily on the scale. William’s father escorted Colin down to Edward’s study, where the magistrate waited. Colin’s father was nowhere to be seen. The magistrate, a small and stern-faced man, said the proceedings were highly unusual and that Colin should be extremely grateful. He pointed to the blank spot where Colin was to sign.
The ink had barely dried when Colin heard a vehicle rumble up the drive. Uncle John led him outside, past the servants, who all tried without success to appear busy. At the sight of Patrick standing at the bottom of the front steps, hands still bound behind him, Colin’s heart leaped. He was relieved Patrick appeared none the worse for wear since he’d seen him last, although bruises darkened his face.
A covered prison wagon with bars on the small windows rumbled to a stop. Colin swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. You’re a criminal now.
He heard a distressed sound behind him and turned just in time to catch Rebecca as she hurled herself into his arms. She hugged Colin fiercely, and his heart constricted. Rebecca was a good sister, and he would miss her. “It’s not a life sentence. You’ll be back before we know it, won’t you?” She sniffed loudly.
Colin glanced at the stone faces of his parents on the steps, his father finally having appeared. Colin knew he would never be welcomed in England again. He kissed Rebecca’s sodden cheek. “We shall see. Remember that I love you. Be a good girl for Mother and Father.”
Rebecca ran back into the house, the sound of her sobs trailing behind her. Colin waited for his parents to step forward, but they remained frozen. Finally he nodded at them and turned away, concentrating on breathing in and out. The magistrate and the prison guard went over the papers, and before Colin knew it, he and Patrick were herded into the back of the small transport. Patrick was unbound, and they were each shackled with iron to the side of the wagon.
There appeared to be no rush, and the guard and magistrate continued their conversation outside. Colin wished they’d just get on with it.
“I don’t understand you.” Patrick’s voice was loud in the confines of the wagon. They each sat on a wooden bench on either side, knees almost touching.
Colin had no idea how to respond. “I…”
“I know you’re lying.”
“How?”
“I just do. You haven’t been running around getting buggered any more than the king has.”
Colin didn’t argue this fact. “I wanted to help you.”
“You haven’t had any use for me for years. So why now?”
“I owe you. You rescued me.”
Patrick’s expression was unreadable. “The stallion? When you were a boy?”
Colin nodded.
“Turns out you’re still as foolish as you were that day. Well, don’t go thinking I owe you a damn thing, Lord Lancaster. I didn’t ask for your help.”
“I saved your life.” Colin had hoped for a sliver of gratitude. Or even just a lack of hostility.
“So I could get shipped off to some hellish corner of the world? I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for. I’d sooner be hung, quick and easy.”
Colin exhaled in frustration. “Well, don’t worry. I’m sure you can find a way to do yourself in. Jumping from the ship midocean would likely be highly effective.”
Patrick stared at him for a moment and then barked out a surprising laugh. “All right. I’m not going to jump, and I suppose Australia is better than the gallows. Just don’t go thinking we’re friends. We’re not. We’re strangers, and it’s going to stay that way. You’ll go your way, and I’ll go mine.”
“Understood.” Perhaps he’d be able to change Patrick’s mind about him during the long voyage. Make him understand that Colin wasn’t the foolish boy Patrick thought he was.
“Good.” Patrick leaned back and shut his eyes.
“That man. The carriage driver.”
Patrick didn’t open his eyes. “What about him?”
“Did you…know him well?”
“Don’t even know the quick bastard’s name. He was hardly worth the trouble, but that’s life for you.”
Colin tried to imagine being intimate with a complete stranger and failed miserably. Uncle John appeared at the wagon door. He reached in, and for a moment, he covered Colin’s hand with his own. “Good luck, Colin. I hope you can make something of your life in the end.” He stepped back, and the door clanged shut. With a jolt, they were off. Patrick kept his eyes shut, appearing unaffected by the fact that they were being taken away as criminals.
Colin peered out one of the barred windows for a last glance of his home and parents. His mother’s shoulders shook as she watched him being taken away. His father had already turned, and he disappeared into the house a moment later. Then the wagon drove around the curve in the drive, and Colin’s home disappeared.