This is really depressing, man. Couldn’t we have gone to a bar or something?”

I continue staring at the headstone in front of me, trying to block out the man speaking next to me that I know isn’t really there.

“I mean, drinking away your troubles sounds like a much better idea than staring at this thing.”

He kicks the toe of his boot against the side of the cement marker with his name on it and I squeeze my eyes closed.

“This isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real.”

When I hear nothing but the sound of cicadas chirping in the nearby trees, I slowly open my eyes and let out a low, irritated growl.

“Sorry, still here,” Rylan says with a smile, waving at me like an asshole. “I told you, I’m not going anywhere until you don’t need me anymore.”

I quickly look away from his face with the full beard and his hair pulled back into that stupid man-bun, rereading the words etched into the stone, trying to make it real, trying to make it hurt, trying to do anything to make this madness go away.

“I don’t need you anymore,” I whisper, choking with the lie as I say the words.

I hear a car door slam from somewhere behind me and the slide of shoes through the grass as they get closer.

“I have a feeling that isn’t true,” Rylan replies. “Buckle up. And don’t be an asshole.”

The light breeze in the air floats the smell of peaches around me before she finally gets to me. I feel her hand press lightly against my back, and for the first time since I met Shelby, I want to move away from her touch.

I clench my hands into fists at my sides while she rubs slow, soft circles against my spine until it’s too much, I can’t take it anymore and I jerk away from her hand. She moves around in front of me and I try to turn, try to keep my back to her, but she’s not having it. She grabs my upper arms and squeezes, using all of her strength to hold me in place and not turn away from her.

“What do you need? Tell me what you need,” she asks softly.

I finally lift my head when she speaks and I wish I hadn’t. I look into her beautiful green eyes and I just want to let her wrap her arms around me and make everything better, like she’s done since I got home. But I can’t do that anymore. I can’t pretend anymore. Nothing will be better again and I can’t fool myself into thinking it will.

“I need you to leave,” I tell her in a low voice.

“Didn’t I just tell you not to be an asshole?” Rylan grumbles from next to me.

“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” I whisper, squeezing my eyes closed.

“Eli, please. Just talk to me. I want to help you but I don’t know what to do,” Shelby pleads sadly, moving forward and pressing her body against mine.

It hurts so much I can barely breathe. She feels so soft and perfect against me and I just want to take whatever she wants to give me. I want to take it all and never give it back. I want to lose myself in her but I can’t. It’s not right. She doesn’t deserve this. She’s been through too much and I can’t let her take on this burden as well.

I step away and turn my back on her again, immediately missing the heat from her body, and I want to scream and cry and blame someone else for this mess, but there’s no one else to blame. There’s no one else to point a finger at and I need to take responsibility.

“There’s nothing to say and you need to go. You can’t help me. You can’t fix me, so just go.”

She whispers my name and it tears me in half.

“I’m not leaving you. I love you, I need you, just stay with me.”

Her words are like a knife to the chest, and instead of crying, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I go with another emotion. I whirl around to face her and let the anger take control.

“You don’t need me, I can’t save you, I can’t give you what you need so JUST GO!” I scream.

“I don’t need you to save me, I just need you to stay with me!” she shouts back.

Shelby takes a couple of deep breaths before taking a tentative step toward me.

“Just stay with me, please,” she whispers. “We’ll figure this out together. I’m not leaving you.”

I shake my head and try to give her a sarcastic laugh, but all that comes out is a strangled whimper.

“You saved my life and I ruined yours,” I tell her.

She shakes her head in disagreement, reaching for me, her face filling with pain when I move back before she can put her hands on me.

“I was too weak to talk to you before I was deployed. I was too weak to do anything but lie to you in a fucking note,” I remind her. “I’m the reason you got into your accident, I’m the reason you can’t dance, I’m the reason you let those people break you down, I’m the reason your life went to shit. There’s no fucking way I’m going to let you take on anything else, especially not someone as fucked up as I am.”

I take another step back from her when she tries coming at me again.

I want her.

I need her.

I can’t have her.

“Don’t you dare put all of that blame on yourself,” she argues. “I’m just as much at fault and I made just as many mistakes. I never danced again because I never tried. Not until you made me. You helped me. You healed me. You’re not fucked up, you went through something horrible, and you just need time.”

I close my eyes and do everything I can to block out her voice, her smell that still floats in the air, and the urge to give in and let her heal me. All I do by blocking out her goodness is allow the bad parts to get through, and before I know it, the sounds of the birds chirping and the breeze rustling through the trees are replaced with gunfire and screaming.

I gasp loudly and my eyes fly open to find Shelby still standing here in front of me with a sad, worried look on her face and it kills me. It kills everything inside me until there’s nothing left.

“Can you really stand here and tell me you’re healed? That everything is better and everything is fine after what your mother said to you? After what she did to you? After what that asshole you let into your life did to you?” I ask, hating myself even more when I see her flinch, but unable to stop myself.

I shake my head at her and keep talking before she can argue with me again.

“Two broken pieces don’t make a whole. They just make a bigger fucking mess for someone to clean up. You don’t need any more messes in your life and all the time in the world isn’t going to fix mine.”

Without another word, I turn and walk away from her. I ignore her when I hear her shout my name and I keep walking, putting as much distance between us as I can before I show her just how weak I really am by giving her this burden.

“You’re really starting to piss me off,” Rylan mutters, running to catch up with me.