You’re an asshole, have I mentioned that lately?”

I try to ignore the voice that never fucking shuts up, but it’s impossible. He’s been locked in this room with me for ten days, and no matter what I do, he won’t go away. I’ve sat here with my back pressed to the door, listening to Shelby read those letters I wrote, refusing to go away, refusing to stop trying, and I just can’t make that fucking voice shut up.

Every time I’m tempted to open that door, crawl across the floor and into her arms, he says something else and it reminds me how screwed up I am.

My hand has been pressed against the door since Shelby first started reading and I still kept it pressed there long after she quieted and I assumed she fell asleep. As much as I hated hearing her on the other side of the door and knowing I couldn’t go to her, her voice is the only thing that quiets the one in my head. When she’s reading those letters, when I close my eyes and just listen to the soft cadence of her voice, Rylan disappears. He doesn’t speak, he doesn’t flop down on my bed, he doesn’t bitch at me, he just goes away. As soon as Shelby stops talking, he’s right back in this room again, dragging me through hell and splitting my mind in two.

“Will you just open the fucking door already?” he shouts in frustration and I hear the bed creak.

My hand slides down the wood and I keep my head pressed against the door, refusing to look across the room. Part of me wants to look and see him standing there, so real and so alive because then it wouldn’t hurt so much. But then I remember he’s not real or alive, and if I’m still seeing him in this room, I’m still fucked.

“You’re not real, you’re not real, you’re not real,” I chant quietly to myself with my eyes still closed.

“No shit, Sherlock!” Rylan shouts. “I’m not real, so let me fucking go!”

With a growl, I scramble to my feet and stomp across the room, so fed up with this bullshit and feeling like I’m going crazy and just wanting it to stop.

“Don’t you think I’m trying?” I argue back. “I don’t want you in my head! I don’t want to see you standing here when I know it’s not real!”

He scoffs at me and rolls his eyes. “You’re not trying. You’re giving up. Everything you need is on the other side of that door and you refuse to open it.”

I shake my head and take a step back from him.

“I can’t do that to her. I can’t hurt her or put her through this. She has enough problems in her life right now, she doesn’t need another one.”

Rylan advances on me and gets right in my face.

“You think this isn’t already hurting her? You think pushing her away and not giving her a chance to help you doesn’t kill her?” Rylan fires back angrily. “She went through hell for you. She gave up her entire life for you. She let people dictate her every move for fucking years to keep you safe. After everything she sacrificed, you’re just going to let her go? She gave up her life and her happiness to save you, and she doesn’t even get you in the end? What kind of bullshit is that?”

I don’t understand what he’s saying, none of it makes sense, and I wonder if it’s possible to go even crazier than I already am.

“She’s been sleeping on the fucking floor for you. Reading those letters for you. She deserves a fucking light at the end of that tunnel, man, and for whatever reason, you’re that light for her. You’re going to deny her that after everything she’s done for you, after everything she was forced to do for you, just because you can’t wake the fuck up?” he yells angrily.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I whisper in disbelief.

“Don’t tick me off by pissing away the second chance you were given.”

He pokes his finger into my chest, getting in my face again.

“Just let. Me. Go.”

“I DON’T KNOW HOW!” I roar at him, wrapping my arms around my waist and dropping to my knees. “It was my fault, all my fault. I should have protected you, I should have stopped them. I tried to stop them but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t save you. Oh, God, I couldn’t save you!”

I rock myself back and forth, choking on my tears and the pain that threatens to rip my chest wide open.

Rylan squats down in front of me and pats me on the back.

“You couldn’t save me and I never expected you to, brother. It wasn’t your job to save me,” he tells me in a low voice. “We were thirty seconds away from both of us dying in that shithole, but it didn’t work out that way. You couldn’t save me, but you can still save her. She gave everything up to protect you. Just let me go.”

I force myself to look at him, clenching my teeth and lifting my head.

“What are you talking about? What does that mean?”

He smirks at me and shakes his head. “I’m not gonna to give you all the answers. Tell her to take off that watch she’s always wearing.”

I open my mouth to start losing my shit on him all over again, quickly snapping it closed when I realize he’s not just talking nonsense to make me crazy.

The only reason I even noticed the watch that Shelby always wears is because of the number of times I’d seen her run her fingers over the inside band. It was like a nervous tick whenever she was upset or scared or nervous. She did it the night we first saw each other again in the stables, she did it a bunch of times the night of the charity dinner, she did it when she first let me have it in her studio that same night, the first time I touched her leg, when she told me she kept my dog tags, and the entire time her mother unloaded all of that bullshit on her.

I think about all the times I’ve kissed her, all the times I’ve touched her, all the times I’ve held her in my arms, all the times I was chained to a wall and had nothing but memories of all those times to keep me going. I remember how it felt to see her again when I never thought I would get the chance. I remember how good it felt when she let down her walls and let me back in. I remember how good it felt to build her back up again, make her stronger, make her a fighter, remind her what it was like to be happy and loved. I remember how good it felt to let her heal me, let her distract me, and let me remember how to live again. All of it was good, every single second, every single moment, it was all good because of her. Because she was there making it all better. It was always Shelby. Only Shelby.

“It wasn’t your fault. Just let me go,” Rylan tells me again.

“I don’t know how,” I whisper back.

“Yes you do. She’s right on the other side of that door. Tell her to take off the watch. Just let me go.”

My head drops as I close my eyes.

I think about her laugh, I think about her smell, I think about dancing with her in the studio. I think about how fucking afraid I am that I’m not good enough for her. That my screwed-up head will ruin everything.

“Just let me go.”

Rolling over onto my hands and knees, I push myself up and reach for the door, knowing I have to stop living in fear. Knowing I have to do this if I want any chance at a future with her.

I think about her smile, I think about that little gasp she makes when I kiss her, I think about the silky feel of her hair when I run my fingers through it, and I think about how nothing in my life makes sense when I’m not thinking about her.

“You don’t need me anymore.”

My hand wraps around the doorknob and I reach my other hand up to turn the lock, knowing he’s right. Knowing Shelby is all I need.

“I don’t need you anymore,” I whisper back to him.

“Just let me go, just let me go, just let me go…”

His voice trails off until there’s nothing but silence in the room as I open the door and step out into the hallway.