You’re losing focus, and your little dance tonight in front of all of Charleston forced me into a corner. You have no idea what you’ve done.”
My mother slams a drawer closed, glaring at me over the top of her desk. I refuse to fidget or show her any sign of weakness. I meet her stare head-on as she continues berating me.
“You have no idea how much trouble I went through to bring that man home. I hope you realize that with a snap of my fingers, he can be hauled back to Washington and his involvement in the explosion can still be brought into question again,” she informs me.
I’ve heard these threats a hundred times before. Words meant to scare me and keep me in line. My folded hands resting in my lap start to shake and I squeeze them more tightly together, wishing I could tell her to go to hell, but I can’t. I didn’t spend all these years stuck under her thumb and miserable just to screw it all up by being defiant now.
“I understand, Mother. It was just a dance. A dance with a veteran, at a charity function for veterans,” I remind her.
“Don’t get smart with me. You have no idea what you’ve done,” she mutters again, shaking her head at me.
I’ve done nothing but what she’s asked of me, again and again, at the cost of my own happiness, but she doesn’t care. All she cares about is that Eli didn’t give a shit about showing up at one of her charity events. She couldn’t stand the idea that he wasn’t afraid of her and what she could do to him, and I wish I had half of his confidence.
“I’m telling you this for the last time. Stay away from him, or everything I’ve said will become a reality. Do you understand me?”
I understand you’re a cruel human being. I understand just how little you really care about me. I understand you’ll do whatever it takes to get what you want, even if it means your only daughter suffers in the process.
“Yes. I understand. Are we finished here?”
I push myself up from the chair in front of her desk without waiting for a reply. I turn and walk away, ignoring her when she says my name as I keep moving right out the door of her office, down the hall into the foyer, and out the front door.
A few hours later, as I stand in the living room of the guest house staring over at the stables, my mother’s words won’t stop ringing in my ears.
Meredith has been sitting on the couch ever since I walked through the door, grilling me about what happened when she found me in the office and I’ve tried to brush it off, but she’s not buying it. She’s not buying anything I’ve tried to explain away to her since she’s been here.
“I don’t understand why you won’t just talk to me, Shelby,” she tells me softly as I turn from the window and look over my shoulder at her.
How can I explain anything to her when she’ll never understand? She never liked Eli all that much when we were together and happy, and she definitely didn’t like him after he left me that note and I had the accident. Trying to explain to her that I’ve stayed here in Charleston, never moving forward because of him and the debt owed to my mother, will never fly. She’d want me to pack up all my things and on the next plane out of here, not because she’s controlling like my mother, but because she loves me and would lose her mind knowing all the things I did to protect a man who hurt me.
“There’s nothing to talk about, Mer. It’s just hard seeing him again when I thought he was gone,” I explain, looking away from her and back out the window so I don’t have to see the sadness on her face and she won’t see the lies on mine.
I didn’t tell her about the kiss and I didn’t tell her about the things he said to me, but I didn’t need to. Meredith could always tell my state of mind just by looking at me. Being curled up on the floor of the office with red, puffy eyes was a dead giveaway that my state of mind was not good. Coming back here to the guest house after listening to a lecture from my mother, to find her waiting up for me on the couch, was even worse. On top of all of this, I’ve been hit with an onslaught of guilt after that kiss with Eli. I know I didn’t instigate it, but I also did nothing to stop it. I lost myself in that kiss, I craved it, and I needed more, knowing full well that I had a boyfriend waiting for me back in the ballroom. A man who loves me in spite of my not being able to return his feelings fully, one who is always there for me and has never broken my heart.
“Is he really worth all of this?” she whispers. “Is he really worth your happiness?”
I try not to jerk in surprise at her words. I’ve never come right out and told her my reasons for working for my mother and her hundreds of charities, for starting a relationship with Landry when I kept him at arm’s length for so many years. But Meredith is my best friend and she knows there’s a reason I suddenly changed my tune on everything I believed in and fought against for most of my life. I know I’m a horrible person for not confiding in her, but I don’t know what else to do. How do I tell her I gave up my life for a man who threw me away, just because I know, deep down, he’s not a bad person? How do I explain to her that I’m doing everything I’m told for a woman I despise?
I hear Meredith push herself up from the couch and walk across the hardwood floor until she’s standing right next to me as I stare off into the distance at the stables.
“I know you loved him and I know you feel like you lost everything after the accident, but you didn’t, Shelby. You could have still come to New York. I would have done everything I could to help you find another way to be happy so it didn’t come to this,” she tells me softly, bumping her shoulder into mine.
I love her for caring about me so much but it kills me at the same time that I can’t be honest with her. Meredith is a pit bull and she’s protective of me. If she knew the things my mother has threatened me with, the things she’s threatened Eli’s family with, she’d march out of this house and chew my mother a new asshole. She’d call her father even though she can’t stand him and she’d chew his ass out for his association with my mother. She’d never be able to keep quiet about something like this and it would ruin everything. My mother would make sure it would ruin everything and then where would I be? I would have sacrificed five years of my life for nothing. She’d ruin Eli and she’d ruin his family and it would all be for nothing.
“You know New York would have never worked if I couldn’t dance.”
Meredith scoffs and I turn to see her shaking her head.
“You’re the only person who thinks you can’t dance. When was the last time you tried?” she asks.
“Seriously? I have pins and screws in my bones and half of my thigh is missing. How exactly do you think I’d try?” I fire back, trying to keep the anger out of my voice.
We’ve had this argument a number of times over the years. She always refused to believe the doctors when they told me I’d never dance again. She always blamed my mother and thought she had something to do with this, but that’s one thing I know for sure she didn’t touch. I’ve seen the x-rays, I have copies of the MRIs, and I’ve met with enough specialists and physical therapists over the years that I know it’s impossible. Barely a day goes by without my leg hurting in some way and that’s just with me walking around doing office work. I’d never be able to withstand the grueling work of a professional dancer. Meredith knows this and I’m so tired of fighting about it.
I’m so tired of keeping everything inside. I’m so tired of not being able to scream and cry and rage at the unfairness of everything. I’m so tired of being this person who just doesn’t care about anything, and after what happened tonight and Meredith’s insistence that I talk, I’m finding it harder and harder to keep everything bottled up inside.
“Jesus, will you just get mad at me for once?” she complains, practically reading my mind, throwing her hands up in the air. “Call me a bitch, yell at me, tell me to go to hell. Tell me I’m nosy and annoying and to leave you the fuck alone. Do something, goddammit! I don’t know how to help you when you won’t let me in! I don’t know why you stay in this prison day after day, year after year, doing everything you hate with a woman you can’t stand who treats you like shit. I don’t know if it’s because you feel like you have nothing else and I don’t know if for some fucked-up reason it’s for Eli…I don’t know anything because you won’t let me in!”
I bite my lip to keep from crying, refusing to look at her. I should never have asked her to come here. I knew she’d see too much and I knew she’d question everything, trying to get to the bottom of things. I thought just having her here with me would give me strength to get through the days, knowing Eli was alive and home and out of my reach, but I should have known better. All it’s done is make me angry and make me hate my life even more than I already did. Seeing myself through Meredith’s eyes makes me even more disgusted with myself and thinking about my mother’s threats after the party make me realize nothing will ever change.
After what happened tonight with Eli, the kiss we shared, and how badly his words hurt me, I feel lost. I feel like I’m tumbling around in the ocean in the middle of a hurricane, having no idea which way is up. I hate that with just one kiss, he made me feel alive and made me remember what my life could have been like. I hate that he’s making me want to lose control and forget about everything I’ve done to protect him, just to be close to him again.
“There’s no point in getting mad. This is my life and nothing is going to change,” I remind her.
“I’m not an idiot, Shelby, so don’t play me for one. You called me, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a panic attack, because you needed me. And I’m supposed to, what? Just sit here and watch you throw your life away without doing something? Give me one good reason why? Why should I stand by and watch you keep moving through life not caring about yourself and not caring about your happiness? You know that’s not my style. You know I have no trouble telling Georgia to go fuck herself.”
My body turns quickly to face her and I wrap my hands around her upper arms, unable to hide the panic on my face.
“Please, Meredith,” I beg softly. “Just leave it alone. You have no idea…there are things you don’t…”
I falter, knowing I can’t tell her without repercussions and wanting to tell her so much at the same time that the words on the tip of my tongue are choking me.
“I knew it,” she whispers fiercely, her eyes staring angrily into mine. “She’s holding something over you. Something to do with Eli, isn’t she?”
I don’t say anything, which is probably worse than spitting it all out. Meredith has no trouble reading between the lines.
“I’m going to ask you one more time, and for God’s sake, don’t fucking lie to me. Is. He. Worth it?”
My chin trembles and I clench my teeth to stop myself from crying.
“He’s a good man. I know you don’t believe that. I know you saw what his leaving did to me, but that’s not who he is. Being a Marine meant everything to him. Fighting for this country meant everything to him, and his sister is his entire world. You don’t know him. You don’t know what could happen to him if…”
Dropping my hands from her arms, I take a step back and cross my own arms in front of me, knowing I said too much. Knowing that even if I still believe with everything inside me that Eli would never betray his country, I’m still wounded and bruised from the way he left things. It’s become even more raw and painful now that he’s back and I’m living it all over again. I’m torn between protecting him and wanting to lash out at him for the way he hurt me.
“Is that why you’re hiding a tattoo under your watch, on the inside of your wrist?” she suddenly asks, her eyes flickering to my left arm tucked against my stomach. She smiles when my eyes widen in shock and my stomach drops to my toes. “I saw you get out of the shower the other day when I was brushing my teeth. Guess I should have bought you a waterproof watch, huh?”
Meredith sighs, running her hands through her long, dark hair.
“I’ve seen you run your fingers over the inside band every time your mother speaks to you, every time Landry touches you, and every time you get upset. Now I know why. You gave yourself a permanent fucking reminder.”
The ink on the inside of my wrist suddenly feels like it’s burning under my skin and I have to clench my hands into fists to stop myself from doing what Meredith so keenly noticed and running my fingertips over the band covering it to put me back on solid ground so I don’t feel like I’m spinning out of control. She’s right. Touching the inside of my wrist is my own personal safety net. It’s a way to remind myself that the life I’m living and the dreams I’ve had to say good-bye to are for a reason. A very important reason. Something bigger than my wants and needs, my hopes and dreams. I feel guilty that I’ve kept this from Meredith, but I knew she’d never understand.
“Just so you know, I told Eli about the accident.”
The breath I was holding and the guilt I was feeling leave me in a whoosh, and I can hear the thundering of my heart in my ears. I have to lock my knees together before I collapse onto the floor and curl myself into a ball, wishing I wasn’t hearing these words come out of her mouth. I know I haven’t been completely honest with Meredith, but she’s the only person in the world I trust, and she betrayed me. She shared something personal about me and she had no right to do that.
“I don’t give a rat’s ass if you’re pissed at me, it needed to happen. I will not allow him to come back here, worm his way into your life, and shit all over you when he doesn’t know the truth,” she tells me in a low voice. “Maybe you’re okay with him thinking you made the choice to end your dance career, but I’m not. I’m not okay with him assuming there’s nothing left of the old Shelby in there, fighting to get out. I’m not okay with him ripping you to pieces because he doesn’t know what happened to you. I’m telling you right now, I still don’t know if I like the guy after what he did to you, but he lost it when I told him. Completely lost it. I’ve never seen a man so gutted before, knowing he said things to you he shouldn’t have and things he couldn’t take back. I hope to God he’s worth it, because I’m placing all my bets on him. I’m hoping maybe he can get you to pull your head out of your ass and do something about this shitty life you think you deserve or you think you need to keep living to protect him, because it’s obvious I can’t do that.”
With those words, she turns and walks away from me and down the hall, the slamming of the spare bedroom door making me jump, close my eyes, and wish I could just disappear.
* * *
I shouldn’t be here.
Every time I walk through this door, I tell myself it will be the last time. It hurts so much to look around this room, see the dust clinging to the floors and the foggy floor-to-ceiling mirrors that haven’t been washed in years. I stand in the middle of the hardwood floors, staring at my distorted reflection, and I hate the woman looking back at me.
After Meredith laid it all out for me and stormed off into the spare room, I lost track of time. I stood in front of the living room window, staring over at the stables until the last car of workers from the party had long since pulled away and the main house was shut down for the night.
I don’t even remember leaving the guest house. I don’t remember walking across the acreage to the stables, and I don’t remember unlocking the door and walking into this room, but here I am. The studio always seems to pull me back, even when I don’t want to be here. Being here hurts too much. I want to be angry with Meredith for telling Eli about the accident, but I can’t. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t know, what with the power of Google and all. My mother managed to keep the accident out of national news, but it was plastered all over the front page of Charleston’s small local paper for weeks. It was only a matter of time before someone told him or he found out on his own.
I stare into the dirty mirror in front of me and lower my hand to the long, clingy green skirt that hangs down around my ankles, not having the energy or the care to remove the gown from the party before I came out here. I clutch my hand into the material by my thigh and slowly begin lifting it up, exposing my bare feet, my shin, my knee, and finally my thigh. My nose burns with tears and my eyes fill with them as I hold the material of the skirt, bunched into my hands by my hip and stare at my scarred leg. The indents and ripples where once there was smooth skin and powerful muscles are always so shocking to see. My sobs echo around the room as I stare at the image in the mirror, my other hand coming up to my mouth to try and quiet them. There’s no point in crying over something you can’t change, but I’m unable to stop once I’ve started. I never look at my leg. Not when I’m getting out of the shower, not when I’m changing…never. What’s the point? Why should I stare at something so ugly that I can’t fix? Why should I torture myself even more, looking at a piece of my body that used to be so graceful? Remembering how easily I could lift it above my head when now, I can barely walk from the guest house to the stables without it hurting.
I drop my hand from my mouth and, with a closed fist, thump my knuckles against my thigh.
“I hate you,” I whisper brokenly.
I force myself to open my eyes and look at the damage. I force myself to remember that it used to be beautiful. It used to be my ticket out of this life and it used to be the one thing Eli loved most about me, so much that he gave me the nickname Legs. Now, it’s a mangled piece of flesh that hurts when it rains, my mother always demands I keep hidden because no one likes to be confronted with ugliness, and Landry never touches and visibly winces when he gets a glimpse of it.
I smack my closed fist harder against my broken thigh, ignoring the pain on the outside since I’m too consumed with the hurt on the inside.
“I fucking hate you,” I sob, staring at my hideous leg through the reflection of the mirror.
My head drops forward as I let myself cry for what I’ve lost. My shoulders shake and I move my hand from my thigh and press it against my stomach to try and hold the hurt in, but it’s no use. It’s pouring out of me, dripping down my cheeks and screaming to be let out. My anger and my pain are bubbling right under my skin, clawing to the surface, wanting to be heard.
I feel his presence before my eyes fly up to the mirror and see his face. His arms wrap around my body from behind and I feel myself being pulled back against his hard chest. I let his strong arms soothe me for just a second…just one moment in time to feel protected and loved, and then I pull away, and unleash everything inside me.