CHAPTER ONE
His stomach twisting in a giant knot, Xan climbed out of his car in front of Jason and Vale’s blue clapboard house on Oak Avenue. He gazed at the home, noting the fresh coat of paint, the impeccable front lawn and gardens, and the little rocking chairs on the front porch, complete with cheerful cushions. Jason and Vale had nested hard since they’d collided with each other as Erosgapé in the library of Mont Nessadare University four years ago.
Xan forced away the dull, familiar pang that was part jealousy and part longing for a love like that. He’d been about to leave his symbolic corner office within the largest division of his father’s business on High Street to head home for the day, but after hearing Jason’s shaking voice and urgent plea, he’d driven over to his best friend’s house directly.
All three of their lives were so different now from those pre-imprint halcyon days. Sometimes Xan barely recognized himself in the mirror. But one thing never changed: he was Jason’s best friend, and he would be there for him through thick and thin.
Frighteningly, things seemed to have gone thin again, because Jason had sounded panicked when Xan picked up the phone an hour earlier. He’d requested Xan come by as soon as possible, refusing to give further details.
Approaching the front door, he stepped back in surprise as it swung open before he’d even had a chance to knock. Jason ushered him inside. His blond hair was messy, and his face very pale. Worse, his long, lanky frame trembled beneath his wrinkled suit. He obviously hadn’t changed since returning from his new job at his father’s shipping business, having set aside his passion for science to fulfill family duty, the same way Xan had when the time came for him to step up.
Xan straightned his own bow tie anxiously as he followed Jason down the hall toward Vale’s study with a sinking feeling in his gut. He hadn’t seen Jason this distraught in years, not since he’d settled things with his older Erosgapé omega, Vale Aman, and settled into domestic bliss. The knot in his gut tightened.
The sun shone through the wide back windows of Vale’s dusty, brick-floored study, but the profusion of colorful, autumnal leaves in the well-tended garden didn’t soften the tense atmosphere at all.
“Glad you could join us,” Vale said softly. His green eyes were red-rimmed and his lips, set in his handsomely trimmed dark beard, appeared dry.
Xan’s throat closed up as he took in Jason and Vale’s other assembled guests—Rosen, Yosef, and—shit—Urho. All held places of high esteem in the couple’s life, and all looked as shaky as Xan felt.
“Sorry if I kept everyone waiting,” Xan said, swallowing thickly. “But I came as soon as I got Jason’s call.”
“And how’s Caleb?” Vale asked, like the entire room wasn’t about to explode with anxiety around them.
“Caleb’s good.” Nervously, he babbled on, “Well, he wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I had to run to the drug store for a tonic for him, which made me late to work, and so it was harder to escape this afternoon.”
“It’s all right,” Vale said with eerie calm from his perch on the leather wingback chair he preferred. “Tell Caleb we hope he gets well soon.” His face was even paler than usual, and his lips drew into a tight, false smile.
Jason took his place rigidly behind Vale, his blond hair flopping onto his forehead and his blue eyes bright with some wild emotion.
Vale nodded toward the sofa. “Rosen just arrived too.”
Xan cast a glance toward Rosen, the ridiculously dark and handsome half of Vale’s best friends, a beta couple sitting closely together on the leather sofa. Rosen’s lover, Yosef, sat at his side with their hands intertwined, a miserable expression on his face. Yosef’s impeccably sculpted white hair and beard gave away that he was quite a few years older than Rosen, but they were still an unfailingly attractive couple. Vale had been close with them for years.
Xan ran a sweaty palm over his own limp hair. If they were in attendance looking so worried, the news he’d been summoned to hear must be that Vale or Jason was very sick.
“So what’s going on?” Xan asked, unable to keep quiet a moment longer. “What the hell’s happening?”
Urho stepped out of the shadows. Xan gulped. Urho was tall, muscled, and full of that strong, alpha energy that Xan craved like a kind of air he was denied the right to breathe. The flames in the fireplace played on Urho’s dark skin and highlighted his salt-and-pepper hair, making Xan’s squirmy gut twist with highly inappropriate lust.
“I’ve been asked to impart the news,” Urho said, solemnly. “It’s both an honor and a burden, but one Jason and Vale have asked me to bear—”
“Just tell us,” Xan interrupted, a bolt of surprise going through him. He normally danced around Urho, tongue-tied and anxious, saying all the wrong things, but tonight he wasn’t going to even try keeping his mouth shut. He had to know why his best friend looked like he’d just been handed a death sentence.
Urho’s chin came up, and he gazed at Xan for a long, calm moment before nodding. “All right. As it turns out, Vale, against all odds, and despite Jason’s best efforts, is pregnant.”
The silence in the room echoed off the windows and buzzed in Xan’s ear like a fly. Jason’s shoulders collapsed, and he ducked his head to hide his face, even as he reached to squeeze Vale’s shoulders, giving support as Vale’s alpha.
“Excuse me?” Xan said, blinking between Vale and Jason. “Did you say that Vale is pregnant?”
“I did.” Urho’s strong mouth drew into a straight line and he regarded Xan seriously. “This is obviously a problem, one that is both private and communal, in that we all love and admire Jason and Vale, and will—”
“What in wolf’s own hell, Jason?” Xan snapped, interrupting Urho without a thought. “You know he can’t have children. Why would you knock him up?”
Jason didn’t lift his head, and Xan almost didn’t make out his muffled response. “It was an accident.”
“An accident?” Xan scoffed.
Vale raised his palm. “What’s done is done. Now all that’s left is to deal with what’s happened.”
“You’ll have an abortion, obviously,” Xan said, nodding firmly and casting an approving glance toward Urho.
He’d been there when Urho had performed the surgery on Jason’s pater that had saved the man’s life four years earlier. He also knew that Urho was the doctor responsible for performing an abortion on Vale when he was a young unmatched omega.
There was no doubt what should happen now. Given Vale’s physical scars from that first abortion, he couldn’t sustain a pregnancy, nor survive one himself. Everyone knew that. It was part of what had nearly cost Jason and Vale their contract despite their Erosgapé bond. Jason’s parents had wanted him to take on a surrogate omega instead so that he might have a child, since Vale had no hope of giving him one.
“No,” Vale whispered. “That’s not going to happen this time.”
“Excuse me?” Yosef asked, his white eyebrows shooting to his hairline. “What are you saying, Vale?”
Rosen straightened where he sat, gripping Yosef’s hand until his knuckles went white. Xan wished he’d taken a seat when he first entered. He felt a little woozy where he stood with Vale’s denial echoing in his ears.
“Please,” Jason whispered. “Please reconsider.”
Vale shook his head. “Urho’s examined me and he thinks—”
“I don’t care what he thinks!” Jason exclaimed, coming around to kneel at Vale’s feet. “I only want you. I don’t need this from you. I don’t even want a ch—”
Vale put a hand over his mouth. “Shush, before you say something you’ll regret.”
Jason’s blue eyes went wet and he ducked his head, resting his forehead on Vale’s knee. He shuddered as Vale ran his fingers through his blond hair soothingly, and Xan felt the echo of Jason’s trembling in his own knees.
“I don’t understand,” Yosef said again. “Vale can’t survive pregnancy. We all know that.”
“Historically, that was true,” Urho said. “Before Jason.”
“So you’re saying things have changed?” Rosen murmured, lifting his chin, dark with late afternoon stubble flecked with some blue paint he hadn’t entirely scrubbed free. In all likelihood, he’d been pulled away from his oil painting by a phone call similar to the one Xan received.
Urho said, “For reasons that are best kept private, it does seem that there is a new elasticity to Vale’s scar tissue and passage that wasn’t there before. I have several theories as to why that is, but the fact remains that it is, unexpectedly, true.”
“I can’t carry to full term, most likely,” Vale said so calmly that Xan wanted to punch him. Jason scooted closer, burying his face further in Vale’s lap, his body shaking as Vale went on. “So Urho will induce the labor early and we’ll hope the child survives.”
“That’s sick,” Xan spat. “You can’t do that. Not to Jason.” He nodded at Jason where he was curled by his omega’s feet. “Look at him. Think of what losing you would do to him.”
Vale’s green eyes softened. “I think of almost nothing else.”
“Could have fooled me.”
Vale seemed to barely restrain a flare of temper, but he held it back. “It hasn’t been an easy decision, but I trust Urho. He wouldn’t put the odds on me surviving if he didn’t believe it with his whole heart.”
Jason lifted his head then, his face blotchy with tears and his mouth wobbly. “He doesn’t put odds on you surviving, he puts odds on you probably not dying, and that’s not at all the same thing.”
“Darling, you can’t ask me to give this up. Unplanned as it was, as terrified as we both are, this is our only hope. This one, beautiful mistake that we’d never, ever make again.”
“Don’t get poetic on me,” Jason whispered fiercely. “You’re willing to risk destroying yourself—us, me—for something that, according to Urho, is just a bundle of cells with a tiny little heartbeat.”
“But he’s ours,” Vale said dreamily. “Our bodies knit together to make a new life. How can we choose to end it?”
“You sound like Pater.”
“No, your pater admitted he had no hope of living through the birth. I plan to follow all of Urho’s prescriptions to the letter. I intend to live to see our child born, to hold him, and raise him into a fine young man. To see you reflected in him, and myself too. I won’t be giving up so easily.”
“So why are we here?” Yosef asked gently, his hands still twined with Rosen’s and his expression grave.
“Because we’ll need your support,” Vale said. “Jason, especially.”
“No, you, especially,” Jason whispered. “You must be cared for every moment of every day.”
“Ridiculous. I’m not an invalid.” He shrugged. “Later, as the months pass, yes, I will need to be careful, but right now I’m as fit as a fiddle. I can continue my work—”
“No!” Jason snarled. “I won’t have those idiot alphas at Mont Nessadare scenting you and knowing you’re pregnant. That you’re fragile.” He shook his head. “You’ll take another leave of absence.”
Xan sucked in a deep breath, and, yes, there beneath Vale’s usual scent was a new one, something that was a bit like damp earth, seaweed, and the iron scent of blood. The scent of Jason’s baby growing inside, tucked away, cells multiplying by the second, feeding on Vale’s life force to grow his own.
An urge to throttle Vale rushed through Xan, an irrational desire to hold him down and force him to concede that this pregnancy, this self-proclaimed mistake, needed to be terminated. But another part of him scented Jason’s genes in the child, and a tender protectiveness rose up in him, an urge to take care of his best friend’s omega and their tiny new babe.
“We’ll need your help,” Vale said, meeting everyone’s eye one by one as he brought Jason’s head down into his lap again, gently tracing his ear to calm him. “I can’t say when or exactly how, but you’re the friends we know we can count on for anything.”
“We’re always here for you,” Rosen agreed.
“For you and Jason both,” Yosef said grimly.
“You can count on me,” Xan added, lifting his chin, loathe to be left out. “For anything at all. If I can provide comfort or support, I’m happy to do it. And Caleb will want to help too.”
“Thank you,” Vale said as he rubbed Jason’s shoulders. “We’re struggling with this, but we’ll be all right.”
Jason rose then, wiping a hand over his face, rubbing away tears. “We wanted you to find out from us directly, face-to-face.”
“And your parents?” Yosef asked.
“Already know,” Jason replied, but the curt tone and the way he mashed his full lips together made it clear he didn’t intend to say more on that subject right now.
Rosen and Yosef were the first to depart. Yosef hugged Jason and whispered something to Vale about pulling legal paperwork together regarding his health care in the event that Jason wasn’t able to make decisions. Vale nodded and then accepted a hug from Rosen too.
Urho hung back from the goodbyes, clearly preparing to stay a while longer. His broad shoulders and chest stretched out his suit jacket nicely. Xan licked his lips, letting his gaze linger. He’d admired Urho physically and as a man since he’d witnessed the way he handled Jason’s pater’s miscarriage and the aftermath four years ago.
Physically strong and mentally sharp, Urho was a bit old fashioned perhaps, but something about the way he moved in the world—with confidence and certainty—left Xan’s throat dry with lust.
Shameful, illegal, and unholy lust.
Two alphas together was an abomination, and Urho was conservative enough to never entertain the idea and kind enough to have no desire to exert power over another in a flare of sexual alpha expression. That sadistic power play Xan lived to find in another alpha, the sexual thrill he couldn’t get enough of, no matter how dangerous, was the sort of thing Urho would never offer.
Rosen and Yosef crowded near Jason and Vale, giving comfort and reassurances, and extending promises. Xan didn’t plan to linger, but he didn’t want to leave without talking to Urho alone. Catching Urho’s eye, he nodded toward the bank of wide windows across the room.
Xan reached the windows first and opened the sash to let in some fresh air. He frowned when Urho came behind him and closed it.
“It’s damp out. It won’t do for Vale to get a chill right now.”
“Is he under house arrest then?”
“No, of course not.” Urho let out a frustrated sigh. “I only want to keep him safe.”
“That’s Jason’s job,” Xan said, narrowing his eyes.
Urho’s devotion to Vale pricked. It was inappropriate at best and demonstrated designs on another alpha’s omega at worst. But the reason it nettled him so much had more to do his own thwarted desire for another alpha to treat him with half as much regard and protection. And if that alpha were a man like Urho? It’d be a dream come true.
But that was what made it all so infuriating. He’d never have the parts to inspire an alpha’s devotion. He’d never go into heat. Never experience the multiple orgasm potentials of an omega. Never bear a child. No, instead he was an alpha himself. Never mind that he didn’t want to be and could barely stand to fulfill his role as such.
“What’s your true feeling on this?” Xan asked, shoving aside all the uncomfortable, illicit feelings and thoughts that swamped him whenever he was around Urho. “Will he make it?”
“I can’t promise anything, but he has a decent chance.”
“Decent isn’t good enough.”
“A strong chance,” Urho corrected, his brow lowering and his calm, dark eyes growing troubled. “Believe me, if I could swear to his safety to relieve everyone’s mind, I would in a heartbeat. But I’m a cautiously optimistic doctor, not a fortune teller.”
“Perhaps we should consult one of those from the Calitan district,” Xan hissed. “Their word is probably as solid as yours.”
Urho’s shoulders snapped back. “Your mouth will get you in trouble one day, pup. You’re talking to an alpha almost twenty years your senior with military history and a license to practice medicine. I’d say I have a good deal more authority than a fringe spiritualist living on the ill-gotten profits of spit-gummed hope and lies.”
Xan rolled his eyes.
“If you were an omega, I’d take you over my knee,” Urho whispered, glancing toward Jason and Vale. “I’d do it even now, alpha or not, if I weren’t concerned about upsetting Vale.”
Xan’s cock stirred and his heartbeat quickened. An urge to get in Urho’s face gripped him. Perhaps Urho wasn’t beyond alpha aggression after all. But now wasn’t the time for Xan to indulge in his fantasies or push an older, more powerful alpha’s buttons. Urho was right about that much, at least.
“You called me over to insult me?” Urho raised a brow, dark eyes sharpening.
Xan shook his head. “I wanted your unguarded opinion.”
“You already have it.” Urho’s mouth drew into a flat line. The air between them grew heavy and thick. Xan held Urho’s gaze until Urho jerked it away. Urho’s cheeks darkened and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed before stalking off to rejoin the others.
Xan’s shoulders slumped. He didn’t know why he sabotaged every conversation he had with Urho, and yet he did. Unbidden, the memory of similar exchanges over the last four years—Urho intoning an opinion and Xan stupidly challenging it—came to mind, going all the way back to the vacation by the sea their small group of friends had taken the summer after Vale and Jason had imprinted, and long before Xan had chosen to contract with Caleb.
Dissatisfied and itching for something he’d never have, Xan frowned as Urho offered to walk Rosen and Yosef out to catch their taxi. Xan waved his goodbyes to the betas and caught another one of Urho’s scowls before the little group left the study to head out into the damp autumn afternoon.
Alone with Jason and Vale now, Xan approached them. Jason stood by Vale’s leather wingback chair, a young, stormy sentinel guarding his beloved. Xan summoned a sympathetic smile and knew the moment it slid away from him, revealing his discombobulated confusion.
Vale gripped Xan’s hand. “Don’t look like that. Jason will need your strength.”
Xan huffed. “Not half as much as he needs you period. But I’ll do what I can.”
Vale’s smile was wry, but he turned to Jason and said sweetly, “Why don’t you walk Xan out? If it’s all the same to you, I’ll stay here and get comfy by the fire.”
“Are you cold?” Jason asked. He grabbed a throw blanket from the leather sofa and carefully draped it over Vale. Vale didn’t look cold to Xan, but Jason took his time wrapping him up and tucking the blanket in carefully.
Xan knew his own omega, Caleb, enjoyed being taken care of in these small ways—truly any human did, no matter their gender. But between Erosgapé, the caretaking dance was instinctual, uncontrollable, and a testament to their bond. It was touching to see Jason and Vale engaging in it. Xan wished, not for the first time, that he was an omega and had a loving alpha to take care of him.
Zephyr, the gray cat that Vale had owned long before Jason had come along, slipped into the room. Her silvery fur was clean and fluffy, and she meowed conversationally as she trotted toward them.
When she leapt onto Vale’s lap, his fingers slipped into her fur, and Xan wondered how soft she must be. He’d never had the honor of petting her. Like with Urho, she tended to hiss at him and lunge as though to bite whenever he drew close. She adored Jason, though.
Jason leaned down to whisper something to Vale and then turned his attention to Xan, a wrecked, pitiful smile on his lips. “Thanks for coming. I’ll walk you out.”
“I’m parked just out front,” Xan said, stepping through into the hall.
Urho passed them on his way back from seeing off Rosen and Yosef. Xan’s gut tightened, but Urho just nodded to him, offering no true goodbye or good wishes.
“What were you talking to Urho about?” Jason asked as they exited into the cool, damp, fall afternoon. The trees were starting to lose their green and turn lovely shades of orange, yellow, red, and rust.
“Just an honesty check. I wanted to see if he changed his story about Vale’s chances when it was only the two of us.”
“And?” Jason’s body tensed, his gaze raking over Xan’s face, looking for the truth.
For once, Xan wasn’t even sure what answer Jason hoped for more. “Urho would never put Vale in jeopardy. He’s half in love with him still.”
It stung to even say it. What had Vale done to earn both Jason and Urho’s affections? Aside from being born an omega with all the right scents and lures, all the appeal and seduction of his pheromones, and the promise of a delicious heat mating? His personality was so-so, his face handsome enough, but old. Why did he get everything Xan had ever wanted?
He clamped down on his jealousy and forced himself to admit the truth: Vale’s a good man. Charming, funny, talented, devoted, and worthy in many ways. Any alpha would want him.
Why didn’t that admission make him feel any better?
As they approached his new lime-green car, Xan changed the topic. “What did your parents say about all this when you told them?”
“My parents agree with Vale,” Jason whispered bitterly. His eyes flashed and he shook his head. “I couldn’t believe it when Father said he thought Vale was making the right choice. After all he’s been through with Pater in the past! But somehow he agrees that Vale is different. I think he feels it’s worth the risk this time because it’s not his omega. And because this is their only hope of a grandchild.” Jason’s eyes grew wet again. “This awful, horrible mistake.”
Xan knew Jason’s parents, especially his father, longed for a grandchild, but he couldn’t imagine Miner Hoff encouraging Vale to risk his life for one. He didn’t say that, though, and instead asked what he’d wanted to know from the moment he heard of Vale’s pregnancy. “How did it happen?”
“It’s a long story.”
Xan punched Jason’s shoulder lightly. “Sum it up.”
A long sigh rushed out of Jason, and his shoulders collapsed even more. His eyes closed, as if he could block out whatever he was about to say the way he could block out sunlight. “We were at his parents’ old cabin in the mountains, the one I finally had refurbished to sell.”
“I remember. That was earlier this month.”
“Right. And there was that early mountain snow storm.”
“Knocked out the roads leading up to the cabin,” Xan said, recalling how subdued Jason had been since returning from that trip. Pieces started to come together. “You guys were stuck.”
“For five days while the crews worked to dig out the roads. The phones were down. It was just us. All alone. It was wonderful at first. Romantic and fun. But then…” Jason shook his head, anguish peeking through again. “It’s been happening more and more as he gets older.”
“An unexpected heat?”
“Out of the blue. No warning. I—” Jason’s Adam’s apple bobbed convulsively, his eyes going distant and dark. “I tried to hold back. There were no condoms. I hadn’t packed any. I didn’t expect—” His voice broke. “The roads were blocked. He was screaming in pain. I didn’t have a choice.”
“Of course you didn’t.” Xan touched his arm gently, but Jason pulled away. Xan tried not to let that hurt.
“I’ve spent the last few weeks praying for a miracle. Not every omega gets pregnant with every heat. I told myself there was every chance he’d be safe.”
Given that not every heat produced a viable pregnancy, Jason certainly had good reason to hope. Xan himself was now all too familiar with fruitless heats. He shuddered, remembering the only one he’d endured with Caleb so far. Horror streaked through him again along with traumatic memories of his kind, loving omega on his back, screaming in agony while Xan had tried his best—and failed—to satisfy him.
Thankfully they had a few more months before another heat was due. Though Xan still didn’t know how he was going to handle it alone. He’d failed so miserably last time.
And wolf-god help them if Caleb started having unexpected heats too. Though Caleb was only five years older than Xan, so hopefully that unpredictable period of his life was still some time into the future. With any luck, by then Xan would have solved his problem. Because it was his problem, not Caleb’s, and he needed to come up with a solid plan—for them both.
“I let him down,” Jason whispered.
“I’m so sorry.”
He didn’t have an Erosgapé connection with Caleb, and he wasn’t even in love with his contracted omega like many alphas tended to be, but he cared about Caleb like a family member or a dear friend. He couldn’t imagine the burden of guilt Jason carried now, much less how terrified he must have been at the idea of possibly losing Vale. Pregnancy and birth were dangerous for omegas in the best of health and the prime of life.
What an idiot Vale was! He should allow Urho to abort the baby! But Xan couldn’t be too surprised by Vale’s selfishness. He’d always known Vale wasn’t good enough for Jason. He’d said so the day Jason imprinted on him, hadn’t he?
And he’d only just started to think maybe he’d been wrong about his initial assessment, what with Jason being so blissfully happy, and Vale being so damned good to Jason. But maybe this situation just proved he’d been right from the beginning.
“I tried my best,” Jason went on, his voice rough with emotion. “But I failed him. He should hate me, but he says he doesn’t. He insists he loves me more than life, but he still wants to have our child.”
“Of course he loves you.” Xan’s irritation prickled again. Who wouldn’t love Jason? Sweet and strong, dedicated and devoted, he was one of the dreamiest alphas Xan had ever known.
He’d been in love with Jason himself back before Vale came into their lives, and he’d only gotten over it by taking up a bad habit so consuming that it drowned out everything else…
Xan’s cheeks warmed and his knees went weak with yearning. Temptation snuck in, hot and sharp, clouding his senses with the urge to satisfy needs too long unmet.
He could make a detour on this way home. Get a hit of the darkness he craved. A hit that would rattle his teeth and bruise his body to be sure, yet Xan could never seem to get enough of it.
He shook his head free of the fog and focused on Jason again. His heart ached at the terror he saw in his best friend’s eyes. Reaching out, he cupped Jason’s cheek. “Vale loves you just as much as you love him. You’re Erosgapé. And if things get dangerous for him, I’m sure he’ll make the right choice.”
“Get dangerous? They already are dangerous, Xan.” Jason blew out a frustrated breath. “Vale’s got scar tissue inside, a lot of scar tissue. I feel it every time I fuck him. Urho says it’s grown more flexible since I came into Vale’s life. Something about me knotting him so long during heats and fisting him regularly between…” His cheeks flushed scarlet and he ducked his head. “Urho says the scar tissue has been stretched out, that it’s not so tight as it used to be. The anti-inflammatory properties of alpha semen have also contributed, he claims. But I don’t know if I can trust him.”
Urho’s dark eyes, somber and serious, flashed in Xan’s mind. “Of course you can trust him. He would never hurt Vale.”
“You said he’s still half in love with him,” Jason said, nodding thoughtfully. “I’ve told you, right? Before I came along, they were lovers?”
“Yes.” Because Vale gets to have everything.
“I don’t think Vale ever truly returned his feelings,” Jason said, relief lacing his words. “If he had, then I don’t know that I could see Urho as a friend, especially since he still cares for Vale.”
Xan’s stomach soured with the familiar, churning jealousy he’d been struggling to fight off. If that was true, then Vale was an even bigger fool than Xan had realized. And luckier than any worn out, old omega deserved to be.
He swallowed the nastiness down again. It was poison in his gut. He didn’t want to have these feelings and unkind thoughts anymore. He wanted to let go of envy and regret, because he liked Vale, and Vale was good for Jason. He truly was.
But Vale had everything he’d ever wanted and didn’t deserve it any more than Xan did. Less even, maybe, for all Xan knew. And now…
He bit down on his cheek, punishment for his black-hearted thoughts. He knew Vale had endured his share of suffering in the past, but Xan allowed envy to cloud his empathy too much and too often. He didn’t like that side of himself and vowed to improve it. “If you need me, just call. I’ll be here for you.”
Jason slung his arms around Xan’s shoulders, collapsing against him in a hug that went on a long time. Xan breathed in the once-familiar scent of Jason’s skin and hair. He still longed for what they’d had together, but he’d learned to live without it. For better or for worse. Still, he lingered in Jason’s arms, hoping to give as much comfort as he got from their embrace.
Once Jason released him, Xan promised once again to help in whatever way he could. He smoothed Jason’s hair and sent him on his way back into the house. “Go be with him. You need each other now.”
As Jason mounted the steps to the front porch, Xan climbed into his car and, after a very short debate with himself, pointed it toward the darkness he’d come to depend on. It would blot out all longing and envy, all loneliness and want. It would replace those miseries with sensation and fear, with humiliation and pain.
One more fix wouldn’t kill him. Unless it did.
And even that idea didn’t scare him the way it should.