It would seem it will not be as easy as I thought. I knew he would be upset and rightfully so, but I never thought I would be met with indifference. Knocking on the door and not being greeted by his smile was harder than I thought. I wanted to tuck tail and run, the minute he answered the door and I was greeted by the cold unfeelingness of his stare; but I took one look at his tired beautiful face, while holding a sick Dale and I knew I had to weather the storm to get the sunshine.
After witnessing the puke, seen around the world from the tiniest of babies; I insisted he go to clean himself up and get in the bed. Thank God I have been in contact with everyone else in the family, because I was given the rundown about the little angels. Especially, Dale’s attachment issues and sleep habits.
Once he went upstairs, I walked the whimpering baby around, trying to get him to settle long enough for Jace to get clean. My initial observation of the house is a walking disease fest. Not because it is messy, but because all you can smell is poop, vomit, and staleness. According to his mom, he and the kiddos have been under the weather for the last three days. No one has been able to help because of not wanting to infect Ham and Sterling’s babies.
My poor and incredible man has been on his own with three sick babies, and that includes himself. I must admit, I feel a certain type of warmth and love, knowing I gave my virginity to a person as devoted and stand-up as him. Taking one of my hands to rub my own belly, I think how lucky this baby and I will be to have Jace for a husband and a dad. If he can forgive me.
Once I think enough time has passed, I go upstairs and find he is in the bed completely knocked out. I gently lay Dale on his chest and linger until, I see him register the weight on him and he cradles the baby. Looking down at the man I almost walked away from for good, I cannot help but feel determined to prove I am in this with him. No more running. Instead, I do what I have been dying to do since he opened the door. I lean down, push his hair off his forehead, and kiss him, while I whisper, ‘I love you’ and walk out.
When I get downstairs, the first thing I do is start cleaning and disinfecting the house. It takes longer than I expected; but seriously when I say there is diapers, wipes, boogie wipes, vomit rags, and anything else you can think of covering every surface of the house, that is what I mean. Looking at everything, makes me pissed for him.
How could no one see he was drowning? He is knee deep in sick babies and his own health failing? It makes me want to scream at everyone. My sister and Ham included. Unfortunately, it probably wouldn’t do any good, would it?
After four hours, three full containers of Lysol wipes, a bucket of pine sol, a can of Lysol spray and a whole bottle of Febreze I was finally done. Now, I am even more pissed at the lack of support he received when he really needed it. At this point, I decide to pick up my phone and show my ire to the one person I know I can.
“Penny? Hi. How are you?”
“Pissed.”
“What happened? Is it school? Did mom say something to you again about getting married, so you don’t have to work?” My mom is one of a kind. She has had this conversation with Ava and I since we were little, and it always makes me mad every time.
“No. I am pissed because I just spent four hours cleaning Max and Rosie’s house from top to bottom. I had to scrub every room from top to bottom, so they wouldn’t die of some secondary disease due to the spread of germs. Do not misunderstand, because I am not pissed about the cleaning. What I am more pissed about is that I even had to do it.” My voice is starting to rise a little at this point.
“Is it not enough that he has given up his life to do this for Max and Rosy? I understand you all have your own lives and babies, but I expected more from the Crawford’s at a time like this. All four of them have been severely ill and no one, not even my sweet selfless big sister came to help him. There were no offers of help to clean the house while he and the babies were sleeping. Nothing.” I say with a lot of exasperation.
“I don’t get it. Do you know how alone and helpless he must have felt?” At this point, I know I am yelling at myself as much as her because essentially, I did the same thing. Who am I to criticize them? But still, it feels good to get it out.
“Your right Penny. And I know it. I have felt guilty about it, as have Hamm and the rest of the family. But, we couldn’t risk bringing it back to our babies; which is the only reason none of us went there. We are having nursery water and things delivered in a few days to help. What I don’t get though, is why you care? You have made it clear to him, this life is not what you want. So where is all this self-righteousness coming from?” She asks.
I know she is right and has a point, because I am the worst offender here. But, I always felt his family would pick up the slack in abundance. That is how I rationalized not being here to help him, besides my own selfish reasons. I know one thing, never again.
“Forget it Ava. It doesn’t matter. Just know I am here and he has all the help he needs right now. I am disappointed in all of us. Myself included. Kiss the kids for me. Bye.” And with that I disconnect the call.
It turns out I finished just in time. After I hung up and started putting away the supplies, Selena and Max woke up. I went into their room and stood there for a moment. My mind kept drifting to the fact that in a few months, I will be me coming into a room for my own baby. Hopefully with a father in tow.
Leaning over I take the cuties one at a time, change their diapers, and move them downstairs to the living room in their bouncy chairs. After making their formula and giving each a bottle, I turn on the vibrating chair, and go to the kitchen to see what there is for food.
Before I can start cooking, I hear Dale fussing upstairs and I do not want him to wake Jace. Heading up to the room, I grab him and do the same steps I did with the other two. Taking him downstairs with me, I suddenly remember reading about tummy time in one of my early childhood classes. I search for a blanket and toys to make a makeshift toy area for them. Laying each one down on their tummies, I wait a moment to see how they react. To my surprise and utter elation, they appear to like it. Even Dale.
I pick up the phone and call Ham.
“Penny. Hi. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Ham, I need you to bring over two more pack-n-plays to Max and Rosy’s.”
‘Max and Rosy’s? Are you here? Wow. It’s about time. Jace must be over the moon.” He must not have spoken to Ava yet.
Grumbling a bit under my breath, I say “I wouldn’t know about that. But can you do it?”
“Of course. Be there in a few.”
When he finally showed up and asked where Jace was, I told him and made him feel bad about their lack of support. Once he left, I grabbed the little ones, changed them, and put each one in their pack-n-play. To my surprise, they all fell asleep, including Dale.
Over the next two days, I take care of the little cuties as Jace sleeps. A few times I check on him, because he has a fever. It felt like his body was fighting it and I did not want to wake him. On day three, he rose.
When he came down the stairs clad only in his pajama bottoms, my mouth literally started watering. This man is a GOD. His physique is all muscle and leanness. I can see the definition of his pecs leading down to the six pack he is sporting, which in turn is leading down to the delectable ‘V’. I can picture myself licking every inch of his body as I ride him, racing towards my ecstasy. His hands are all over me, exploring every inch…. “Penelope?”
“DAMN IT, Jace, you scared the shit out of me.” I say, because it is literally the only thing I can think of to cover the blush I feel spreading over my face. Hopefully it is not so evident.
“Sorry. How did you perform this miracle?” He asks gesturing to the pack-n-plays.
“You have been asleep for almost two whole days. I was starting to worry. There was only one pack-n-play, so I called Ham and had him bring me two more.” I am freaked out about being caught fantasizing about him, that I am rambling on and on.
When he finally mentions the food, I am happy to have something to focus on. I make him a plate and watch him eat, while feeling a sense of pride I could cook for my man. The feeling is short lived, when he relegates my visit to a one off and tries to get me to leave. It takes great fortification to hide the hurt I am feeling in that moment, because I know I deserve it and he needs to get his hurt out. I kindly inform him, I am staying right here and suggest we work on a schedule. He agrees reluctantly, and I exhale. Somewhat.
I know we have a long way to go especially since he insists on calling me Penelope. I think that hurts more than his attitude. He has never called me by my full name. Not even the first time we met, and he called me Penny. I know everyone else does too, but when he does all I hear is the endearment, the love, and let’s be honest, lust and possession in his voice. That is a part of what scared the hell out of me. To be Penelope, to him is painful.
But I intend to change that. I have too. Our future is at stake.