Chapter Six
3 moons later…
The lake was becoming more frigid as the weather changed into winter. The snow had been falling intermittently, but never enough to fully cover the earth. Looking above his head, Alastar focused on the thick dreary clouds above, blocking out all the stars as the moon’s blue haze shone through. Stripping off his clothes, Alastar stepped into the cold water and let out a low whistle. Baths needed to be had, no matter the weather, but he would make it a quick one before his bollocks froze and fell off, sinking to the bottom of the black lake.
He grunted to himself at the thought and stepped further in, clutching Aislin’s lavender soap in his fist. In the cover of darkness, he preferred his solitude as he cleansed himself. Nay. That was not the truth. He would vastly prefer the company of his bonny wife, but she had taken him at his word and preferred to go about her days as if they were not married at all. In public, she allowed him to hold her hand, share sweet kisses with her, and even place her in his lap so he may whisper in her ear. He knew she could feel his rigid cock beneath his trousers, digging into her bottom. She would flush and her eyes would go wide, but she never said a word or gave him hope for any release. She would laugh and reciprocate his affection, but only for the benefit of her family, it seemed. As soon as they arrived home, she distanced herself, often seeking her solitude near this lake or roaming the forest until it was time to go to bed for the night.
If she would consent to even share his bed, he would be a happy man, but she could not give him even that. Nay, he had built her another bed and she insisted he place it as far away from his as possible. He never complained or tried to persuade her. He had promised to allow her to live as she pleased. Apparently, she meant to keep her promise as well, to leave him as soon as the year was up. After three moons, he had hoped she would open more to him emotionally or physically, but the lass was stubborn. He had once loved that trait of hers, och he still did… just not when it came between her sweet, ripe body and his throbbing bollocks.
He had been reduced to this. He groaned as he stood alone in the lake surrounded by the sounds of crickets and the hooting of owls as he lathered her sweet soap into his palm. It smelled like her and made his painful erection strain with need. He could not have his bonny wife. He could not have any other lassies. He did not want any other lassies, truth be told. So instead, he had his solitude, this lake, a massive erection, and palm lathered up with soap. It was not at all what he had pictured for himself. He never thought to marry, but by the gods he certainly had never thought to find himself like this, taking himself with own hand and thrusting as he wrapped his palm tightly around his shaft. Closing his eyes, he imagined Aislin with no clothes on. He could only imagine, for the lass even changed behind the curtains surrounding her bed. He had not so much as glimpsed one rosy nipple and the thought made him groan even louder with frustration.
Stroking faster, he jerked and shuddered as he spilled his seed into the lake. What a pitiful man he had become. Resentment was hard to push aside. Aye, he had wanted her, but not like this. He had hoped he could break through her walls of reservation, seduce her into his bed, although he admittedly had not tried very hard. He had not needed to ever try so hard with a lass. They seemed to naturally be drawn to him. Yet, this lass, his wife, was impermeable to him. And the truth was he would walk away from this right now if he was a lesser man. To have to stroke himself alone in a lake at night, not even in his own bed, for he could not do such a thing with his prudish wife in the room, was enough to drive a man insane.
To see her beauty every day, know she was his, and yet so distant emotionally was enough to wreck his heart. She truly was not happy with him and that was the hardest part of it all. He would bear the physical desire she constantly dredged up in him. He would bear relieving himself so she did not have to cross a line she was unwilling to cross. He would bear any number of unpleasant things just to keep his vow to her and try to make her happy. But he could not bear this: the certainty that his wife did not want him, the certainty that she was miserable as his wife, and the certainty that it was all his fault.
She had told him from the start how it would be. She had told him she never wished to be a man’s wife. And yet, he had convinced her this was the right decision for them both. Aye, it had kept her family from constantly pushing her to settle down and it had kept the lads away, though he could not prevent their wandering gazes as she strode through the village in her short hide skin dress. How could he blame the lads, when he stood here now, dreaming of the same thing?
Diving fully into the water, he let the coolness of the lake wash over his body, simmering his boiling blood. He trained hard daily with the warriors. He managed the maintenance of their small home, alongside Aislin who had at least been very helpful where responsibility and hard work were concerned. He ate his evening meals every night with her family, enjoying the small bit of false affection she gave him at any time of the day, and then they went home and slept in separate beds. It had been three moons of this and Alastar was worn out. This was no way to live.
The way he saw it, he had two options. He could tell Aislin she was free to go and watch the only woman he had ever truly cared about walk away from him forever, or he could stop being an evasive fool and start truly wooing his wife. Perhaps she needed to see that it was possible to care about a man and keep her own identity without feeling lost. Right now, they both felt lost but together, they could create one beautiful whole, if only she would open to the challenge.
Swimming back to shore, Alastar moved with a new sense of purpose. He was done tiptoeing around their marriage. If this was going to work, something needed to change. Drying himself off with a linen square, he shook the water out his hair and pulled his garments back on.
The walk back to his small quiet round shaped house was relaxing, though his mind reeled with possibilities, ideas, any way to make Aislin open up to him. Yet, the darkness of his past kept leering at him through the haze of his memories, filling his thoughts with painful images of a life lost long ago.
Aye, he had faced loss before. During the Wars of Ériu when Elim Mac Conrach was king, his family lived at his war camp. Alastar was born there and never knew what life was like without a war waging all around. He had learned to wield a sword from the moment he could toddle. His father had been one of Elim’s warriors and his mother had done aught to see her family safe. Alastar’s twin brother, Conrad, had been much like him. They spent their days together training to be warriors. As they grew, Alastar and Conrad had been inseparable, finishing each other’s sentences and chasing lassies. Jeoffrey had been with them at the time as well, having grown up in camp alongside them as his father’s heir.
But war brings change, and sometimes those changes come swiftly, leaving destruction and despair in their wake. Even at the young age of six and ten, Alastar knew enough to know that they fought on the wrong side of right. Elim had been a madman, promising the serving class more power if they helped him destroy the nobles of the land. Elim had slain the true High King of Ériu with when Alastar was just a wee lad. Ériu fell to pieces under Elim’s reign and Alastar never understood how his own father, full of honor and righteousness, ended up as a loyal warrior to such a man, but he never questioned it openly.
His best mate Jeoffrey was Elim’s heir, and he was a good man. Alastar and Conrad knew that, as long as they avoided trouble and stayed alive, they would be safe and Ériu would thrive again once Jeoffrey was king. Staying alive during those days was something only the fortunate, or in his case the cursed, could achieve.
When a raiding party came through their camp, his father had been one of the first to call to arms. He had been in Elim’s private tent when the call went up that enemies approached. Honor to his king was important, but honor to his family had been greater. His father had rushed home to his wife and twin lads to tell them to hide, but there was no hiding from a war when you were a warrior. Conrad and Alastar took up their swords and charged into the fray… and that was the last time he ever saw his family alive.
His father had been slain first. Then Alastar watched in agony as his twin was cut down by the blade of an enemy. Alastar had tried to reach them in time, and had eventually taken the warrior’s life, but not before his brother was lost. Alastar arrived home just in time to find his mother being taken forcefully by a warrior before he slit her throat. In his haze of despair, Alastar had killed that warrior, as well, but he still had the scars of that battle marring the flesh on his back.
Hot tears began to roll down Alastar’s cheeks. The cold wind of the early winter night chilled the wet tracks on his skin. He seldom allowed his mind to wander to those dark days. He had lived a life of honor, promising his brother, mother, and father to always carry on and to always live a life of right. Why he had survived, having to bury his family, he could never fathom. He was not fortunate to live. He was cursed to live. At least, that was how it had felt for so long. He buried his pain behind his laughter, allowed his fear of loss to prevent him from ever caring about a lass… until now. He promised himself to never make a lass feel pressured into his bed. The screams and terror in his mother’s eyes still haunted his dreams. Nay, as much as he wanted Aislin, if she did not desire his touch, aside from those he plied her with in public, he could not bring himself to press the topic in private.
Still, something had to change, he decided as he wiped the remaining tears away and pushed his dark past back into his mind. Only Jeoffrey knew the horrors of his past and he preferred it that way. Arriving at his home, he opened the door and stepped inside with a shiver. It was warm and smoky in his home from the hearth fire, but as usual, his wife’s curtains were closed tightly… much like her heart.
Stripping off his damp clothes, Alastar slipped into his own bed and shut the curtains around him, wishing he could so easily shut out his painful past and frustrating present.
***
If her mama pinched her hips one more time…
“You are too thin, Lin,” her mother said as she passed by and pinched her hips.
Aislin rolled her eyes. “Staring at my waistline is not going to make a babe appear within my womb,” she said dryly.
Treasa rubbed her hips and laughed. “I am still trying to lose the weight from Neassa. Take the compliment. Nobody tells me I am too thin.”
Aislin turned to look at her beautiful sister by marriage. She had always owned womanly curves and large breasts. Never had Aislin thought her to be anything but perfect. Although Treasa may have had some extra weight on her hips, she was only just now the size of normal lassies. “You look beautiful, Treasa. I think you are perfect.” Turning to her mama, she put her hands on her apparently too-slim hips and scowled. “And I have told you that I do not wish for a babe.”
“You will once you have one,” her mother waved her away. “Tis what women do, Lin. We have babes and it is truly wondrous to grow a life inside you, give birth to it, nurse it. Life has nay greater purpose. Besides,” she added with a wink. “You cannot avoid it forever… not when you are married.” Her mother smiled and left the house to check on the chickens in the byre, hoping to collect eggs for tomorrow’s morning meal.
Aislin rolled her eyes again at her mother. There were ways to avoid pregnancy, such as not laying with a man. And she had married a man only to keep her parents from pestering her so. Now her mama was on her for a grandbabe? Och, nay!
“Tell me what you are not saying, Lin.” Treasa’s knowing voice called to her. Treasa always knew.
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, wondering if she could pretend to have suddenly lost her hearing.
“Lin?” Treasa’s voice was demanding and she knew her sister by marriage would never relent. As much as she wanted to avoid all conversations about her relationship with Alastar, she had so many questions and knew that Treasa would be the best person to ask.
“Treasa…” she hesitated to speak. Opening up to people was not something she was used to. “How do you know when a man… desires you?”
Treasa’s mouth nearly hit the floor and her eyes seemed to almost fall out of her head. “You cannot be serious, Lin. This is a question I had expected you to ask three moons ago, not now. Do not tell me you and Alastar have not…”
She shook her head and licked her lips. “Nay. We have not.”
Treasa sat down slowly on a cushion near the hearth and patted a matching yellow one beside her. “I think we need to have a serious talk.”
Aislin’s first instinct was to run. She had avoided this nonsense for so many years, but after three moons of being married to a man who she had believed to be attracted to her, she had started to doubt everything she thought she knew about men and the physical act of love. He had not made any attempts to get her into his bed. Though she had vowed in the beginning to avoid physical attention at all cost, living under the same roof with him, seeing his strong body when he changed for he did not have the same qualms about stripping down bare as she did, was slowly driving her mad.
But it was more than that. He had a smile that melted her resolve and was kind. Though he pulled back as soon as they were in private, when they were with family, he was so very attentive, playful, and affectionate. When he kissed her, it felt so real. He would whisper sweet words in her ear about how bonny her hair looked or how bright her smile was. Just the night before when he placed her on his lap, he whispered in her ear telling her how sweet her round arse was and even gave it a pinch, making her squeal and turn flushed in the cheeks. Also, she had not imagined the hard length beneath her bottom.
So, why did he back away immediately once they were alone? He had told her in the beginning that he hoped to have a true relationship. Though she had told him she only wanted a pretend handfast, she had since tried to show him that her feelings had changed with her responses to him outside their home. She smiled, blushed, laughed, and acted like a besotted lass whenever he showered her with attention. Did he still believe she was pretending? Or mayhap he had lost interest and was now the one pretending? Perhaps he could truly not stand the sight of her or worse, desired another lass, so he only played the part of the affectionate husband when required to, preferring to be away from her when alone?
She did not know what to think or feel with her emotions jumbled and manifesting as perpetual knots in her belly. She had no experience with men. The thought of putting herself out there first, allowing him to see her undressed or offering to share his bed, could lead to embarrassment if he turned her away. She had told herself that the next time he showed any interest in her, she would press her advantage. Yet, he never showed interest. He left the house late at night to bathe, though she could not bear to ask if he was bathing alone or why he did not choose to bathe at home. So, she made sure to be in bed with the covers drawn, pretending to sleep when he arrived home dripping wet. It would not do to drool over his clean, wet body if he had just shared it with another lass.
“Care to tell me what is going on, Lin?” Treasa questioned, knocking her out of her thoughts. “He seems so very affectionate with you when he is with us all. I cannot understand how a couple who touches each other so often in public has not made love in private… after three moons of marriage!”
There was no way around it, Aislin realized as she stared down at the cushion beneath her bottom, picking at a loose thread. She could not possibly explain her circumstances to Treasa without telling the entire tale. “Our handfast was based on nothing more than convenience.” When Treasa’s brow dropped in confusion, Aislin sighed. “I was tired of being pressured to marry by family and other lads. Alastar was threatened with death by Eoin if he did not marry me.”
“Nay! Not my Eoin!”
Aislin snorted. “He is much kinder to you than he is to his wee sister. He saw us kissing and lost his temper. We tried to tell him it was just a kiss but he would not hear it. We decided a handfast would suffice. It would keep my family content and after a year and a day, I was determined to end it...”
“Was?” Treasa prodded.
“All right. I still am determined to end it.” When her sister looked at her as if she had something hanging out of her nose, she checked first, then decided Treasa was truly just confused. “I never wanted to marry or have a family. You know that.”
A sad look crossed Treasa’s face and she frowned. “I do know that. I suppose I hoped you had changed your mind. Nothing in the world is more beautiful than falling in love and having a family. I cannot image not having Eoin or Neassa.”
“You are not me, Treasa. I do not wish to spend my days inside a house, making stews and bread, weaving on the loom, sewing garments, nursing a child. None of that is for me.”
“You can still be you and have a family, Lin. You just need a man who cares about you for who you are, who would never want to change you.” Alastar’s smiling face flashed in her mind as she remembered him promising to never change her. He had said she was perfect just as she was.
She shook her head. “I did not come here to speak on any of this. But now that we are, I can confess to you that, since we agreed on this false union, Alastar and I have not shared a bed. I have nay idea how to know if he even wants me or not.”
“He wants you. It’s apparent by the way he touches you, Lin.”
“Those are only false displays of affection to fool the family. Once we leave, he never tries to touch me, and I never try to touch him. I’m not certain if he just does not desire me, or if he thinks I do not desire him.”
“Have you told him, or showed him in any way, that you desire him?”
Aislin shook her head and shrugged. “At first I was determined to keep my distance. Nay sense in getting attached if I planned on leaving when the year was up. But it’s been… challenging not to notice him. I started thinking I would not mind the touching so much, but he never tried.” She shrugged again.
“All right, Aislin. Listen to me. If Alastar agreed to handfast with you, even if just for a year, he desires you. He would not have given up his freedom and opportunities with other lassies if he did not.” Before Aislin could argue, Treasa held up a hand to silence her. “The Alastar I knew over a year ago would never have agreed to a handfast. And Eoin’s threats had nothing to do with his agreement. Eoin would never have killed him. Alastar knows that. He wanted you, Lin. I think everyone knows this… except for you, apparently.”
Licking her lips, Aislin took a deep breath. “So, he assumes I still do not want to share his bed.”
“You told him this?” Treasa asked.
“Well, aye. He built me a separate bed, so I could sleep alone. But that was three moons ago! And he has been going off every night to the lake and staying out late. I believe he is meeting with a lass. He comes back wet and shirtless most nights. I started climbing into bed early and pretending to be asleep, so he cannot see how humiliated I am that he is already with another lass. And how can I tell him how I feel, that I want in his bed, knowing he was just with another lass?”
Treasa scratched her head and squinted. “You are way too deep into your own head. Alastar would not do such a thing. He is not with another woman. He is much too honorable for that. He is also too honorable to touch a lass he believes is unwilling.” Treasa stood up and pulled Aislin with her. “You are the bravest, most beautiful lass I know. Tis time you go to him and let him know how you feel.”
Aislin thought about everything Treasa had said. Aislin had, at one time, believed herself bold and brave. Yet as soon as she moved into Alastar’s home, she began cowering like a wee lass of eight, not eight and ten. She had pushed him away at every turn. She still was not certain she was ready to give herself to Alastar, especially if there was a chance she could end up having a child. But she was ready to open up to him, to learn more about the man she had said her vows to. They still had nine moons left of their arrangement and she refused to spend another day of it avoiding him.
Everyone insisted he was a good man and she believed them. Her brother would not have forced the issue otherwise. Treasa would not have spoken so highly of him. Suddenly, it rankled that her sister knew her husband better than she did. And whose fault is that?
She would rectify this, starting tonight. It was time to stop hiding. Mayhap they could walk away from this relationship as great companions and not strangers. For a lass who wished to be able to make her own decisions, she realized she had been making very selfish ones, never considering the sacrifices or feelings of her husband. Shame and embarrassment had been constant companions, but it was time to push those aside and behave like the strong woman she knew herself to be. She could open up to him, discover who he truly was underneath his amicable smile and dimples, and hopefully keep her growing physical needs at bay in the process.