Cameron

Traffic. There was always traffic in Chicago, but somehow I seemed to have chosen the worst time to navigate through the airport and along the freeway this evening on my way home.

No, I reminded myself as I shifted impatiently in the back seat, you didn’t CHOOSE this time at all. My flight from San Francisco was scheduled to arrive in Chicago at 5 PM. Unfortunately, storms up north had caused planes to reroute to San Francisco delaying my flight for nearly four hours. So, here I was at 8:45 PM, battling traffic to get home to my son.

If Diana hadn’t been able to come over tonight… I had no idea what I would have done. As Amy had told me before, she absolutely could not stay past 6:30 PM, and 8:45 was obviously way too late. Thankfully, when I called Diana to ask if she could help me out, she’d immediately said, “No problem, I’d love to come over and spend more time with Noah this evening.”

The first court date had gone as well as expected, considering I had just met the attorney who would be handling my case and she’d only had a couple days to go over the information and documents I had sent her.

When Johanna and I had been together - both before and during marriage - she’d always wanted to look crisp, fashionable and beautiful. She couldn’t set foot outside the house without a full face of makeup, hair done perfectly and clothes selected carefully for the occasion.

Once, I had admired that about her. She wanted to always look her best and be her best, no matter the situation.

Now, I realized that was a lie I had told myself to spare my heart. Jo wanted to look strikingly beautiful so that everyone around her would be intimidated. Not very motherly, I thought as I stared sourly out the window at a large delivery truck which had pulled over and stopped in our lane. But she didn’t need to present herself as a great mother before the court. She just needed to convince them that a mother would be better for Noah than a busy business executive.

And women won custody cases more often than men. It was a fact my attorney had mentioned and one I had already known and hadn’t needed to be reminded about. Then, there was Noah’s shyness and our visits to the counselor. The fact that I cared about Noah’s health and was going to these meetings with him was good. The shyness was bad in the first place, though, and Jo’s attorney had already made sure to blame my parenting for that.

I just needed to see Noah. Once I saw my boy, everything would be okay - if only for a few moments while I held him in my arms.

“Here we are,” my driver said turning in the driveway.

The plane had been delayed four hours. I wasn’t going to let him delay me for another second. Not wanting to waste time on idle chit-chat while I dug out my wallet to retrieve his tip, I quickly threw down several twenty-dollar bills before we stopped, and jumped out of the car - almost jogging to the back of the black SUV to grab my suitcase. After one close call on the icy stairs and a fumbled turn of a key later, I swung open the door of my home.

Diana stood there with her hand extended toward the door. “Whoops,” she said, straightening up with a slightly pink face. “I heard you at the door so I was going to let you in.”

“Don’t worry about it.” The television was playing, but all the toys had been picked up. “Where’s… oh yeah. I guess he’s hiding not wanting to go to bed.”

“He’s already in bed. I didn’t want to tell him you’d be back soon or he would never have allowed me to take him upstairs.”

I nodded; that made sense. Anyway, Noah didn’t have to be awake for me to check on him and give him a goodnight kiss-

“Wait, he’s already in bed?”

“Yes…? I thought 9 PM was his bedtime.”

“It is, just... You got him to sleep by himself? In his room?”

Clearly, Diana didn’t see this for the momentous news that it was. “Yes. He’s been sleeping by himself since the first night. I know he said he’s afraid of the dark, but I thought I could change his mind… I hope that was okay.”

“That was...” I lost my words for a moment. “That was one of the things we were working on. At counseling, I mean. Not being afraid of the dark.”

My admiration worked a pink flush into her cheeks. “Oh. Well, the counseling must have helped a lot, then.”

Or you helped a lot. Bless Chloe for bringing Diana and Noah together. “Well, thank you,” I told her earnestly. “For everything. And especially for coming over today after work.”

“Really, it was no problem. Noah is the best kid I’ve ever nannied.” Diana’s assurance reinforced what I already knew: Noah was a wonderful boy.

“I… I, uh...” I thanked her like two times already, why did I keep stuttering like a pimple-faced teenager? “I’m glad to hear that. I have the rest of what I owe you, by the way. Except for the cash for the extra hours today. Can I give it to you tomorrow at the office?”

“Oh… sure.” Tastefully painted nails clutched her purse to her stomach as she slipped the envelope I handed her inside. We stood there for a moment. “Anyway, I’d better get going.”

I wanted to stop her. I wanted to reach out, take her hand, tell her not to leave yet, not to go out in the cold. “Okay. Thanks again.”

Her full, pearly-white smile lit the room brighter than the foyer chandelier, then she closed the door behind her.

I turned off the lights and the TV kissed a soundly sleeping Noah goodnight, and dragged my suitcase to my room, trying to ignore a feeling that grew inside me with every second. A feeling that told me I’d forgotten to do something - or should have done something more.

An adult - a full-grown adult with a job - begging a three-year-old boy to play with him. This wasn’t the way nature had intended humans to be, I was pretty sure.

This evening, after days away from Noah and work today, all I wanted to do was sit on the floor and bang plastic dinosaurs together with my son - but he wouldn’t play with me.

“Where’s Diana?” he asked for the third time, clutching a dinosaur I didn’t recognize tightly in his fists.

“At home, Buddy,” I explained, also for the third time. “She can’t play dinosaurs right now.”

Noah’s eyes focused on the plastic creature until he could process what I said and look up. “Why?”

“Because… well son, because she’s busy. She had to go home.” Noah might have been quiet and shy, but he was still three… and three was a prime age for throwing tantrums. His quivering lip and erratic playing as he moved the dinosaur in his hand in rebellious, short movements were warning signs I’d come to know well. “She has her own dinosaurs to take care of at home,” I mumbled, wracking my brain trying to remember what the parenting books had said about preschooler’s tantrums and mood swings.

“No! I have her dinosaurs. I’m taking care of them!” If the toy in Noah’s hand had been anything but one of Diana’s dinosaurs, Noah would have thrown it by now.

He didn’t really get to say goodbye, I reminded myself. Noah had gone to sleep just before Diana left. And… and I still owed her for the time she babysat yesterday. Since I hadn’t been able to get cash to take to the office today — I had the cash now, and I intended to give it to her at work tomorrow, but...

“Hey, what if I call her?” I wiggled my phone. “I can ask if she wants to come say ‘hi’.” She could come for ten minutes, say a quick hello, grab her money, and Noah would be satisfied.

Hopefully.

“Yes!” Noah bounced up and down like a basketball in the capable hands of the Chicago Bulls.

“Watch her dinosaurs while I call, okay?” Noah scooted to them and began sorting the new ones from the old as I moved to the kitchen.

Crisis averted… maybe. My thumb hovered over the green call symbol next to Diana’s name. We had to exchange personal numbers since she was nannying my son. I’d called her a few times while I was in San Francisco to check on him and of course last night, but... this was a little different. I would be asking Diana for a favor, just because I didn’t want to deal with a few minutes of tears.

I can pay her! That thought finally broke the invisible ice trapping my thumb and I tapped the button - triumphant. I listened to the quiet rings with confidence. This visit would be just like any typical babysitting or nannying hours for which I would pay, except that I wouldn’t be gone.

“Hello?”

“H-hi.” I cleared my throat. “I know this is rather sudden, but I was wondering if you could come over tonight? Just for a few minutes, and you can leave whenever you want because I’ll be here. I just… Noah misses you, and he didn’t really get to say goodbye. And I’ll pay you, just like for a normal $20 hour.”

Three seconds of silence ticked by. “Sure, I’d love to come over. I’m sure if we play for a while he’ll go right to bed. And don’t worry about paying me, really. I wasn’t doing anything else, I promise.”

“At least let me give you the rest of what I owe you for yesterday,” I argued. With a little extra slipped in.

“That would be great. I’ll be there in an hour.”

Keeping Noah entertained for an hour took some creativity on my part, but I managed - and then there came that knock at the door. Noah flew to the foyer and I walked more sedately after him, containing my own excitement. Because I shouldn’t have been excited. Diana was here to visit Noah, not me.

In fact, I should have taken this opportunity to go to my study and catch up on work I’d missed while I was in San Francisco. Instead, I found myself lounging on the couch, watching as Noah played animatedly with a giggling Diana.

Could this really be the same kid I’d left in her care for just a couple days? This little boy who laughed loudly and boisterously and shared even his precious t-rex?

Hours later, after Noah had played until his head drooped sleepily and he insisted Diana read him a story before bed; I shut his door after one last fond glance at the cozy, blanket-covered lump in the bed. “He really is sleeping by himself.”

“He just needed a little convincing.” So calm and sure, like she had never even worried about Noah at all.

“Will you sit down while I get your money?” I gestured toward the couch as I stood unwillingly. Sitting and watching Noah and Diana play had been the most relaxing thing I’d done in a long time. Diana didn’t need to leave just yet...

She agreed, and I came back with my briefcase. I sat myself down on the other end of the couch to quickly search through it, then handed her another envelope. “Thanks again.”

Diana didn’t open it to check the amount, just filed it away into her purse. “I hope everything went well? In San Francisco.”

I had thought I didn’t want to talk about that. Turns out I just needed to talk to the right person.

“It went as well as expected. My ex-wife is making the case that I’m too busy to give Noah the care he needs. And the records from our counseling visits are helping her. The visits were supposed to help us both after… after the divorce, but then Noah started having trouble socializing at preschool, so they kind of became about that.”

“Maybe Noah just needs some time,” Diana encouraged me. “Kids all grow up differently.”

“Maybe. I hope so.”

Diana made a show of standing and hefting her purse. “I should probably get going. Will you let me know the next time you need a nanny?”

“Sure, sure, of course,” I said quickly, following her toward the door. “Again, thanks for everything. Noah doesn’t usually open up so fast, and he’s never asked to see any nanny I’ve hired before.”

“I-” Diana paused, lips parted slightly, a little flustered by my closeness to her. Wait, I meant to stop walking two steps ago. Or walk to the door and open it. How had I ended up standing here, face to face with Diana, so close to her smooth skin framed by its luscious curls? “I feel, uh, flattered,” she managed, her voice lower than usual, but no less sweet.

“Can I - can I give you one more thing? Before you leave?” My own voice was deep, husky, captivated by the vision in front of me, and my heart had seemed to have displaced itself jumping up and down in my chest.

“One more thing?” Every eyelash moved softly to meet as she blinked lazily. Her azure eyes were hypnotic. I could only move closer, and I was so close already...

I closed the remaining distance between us and kissed her soft pink lips.

One more thing.

This was a kiss I’d daydreamed about. Every day at the office, I heard Diana talking and watched her lips move and wondered what it would feel like if they moved against mine, taking what I gave her and begging for more.

It was me. I was begging for more - begging myself for more, because this might be my only chance to kiss Diana. So, after that first, perfect, incredible kiss, I lingered, taking one more long, selfish kiss for myself.

Then the moment ended, and our lips were freed to talk. Except that I couldn’t speak. What had I done?

Diana reached up, fixed her hair, and swallowed to fade the pink blush in her cheeks. “One more thing? That was two more things.”