TY
I’m up before Gabe and Lexi is up shortly after that. By the time the boy wanders into the kitchen, his eyes bleary from sleep and his hair sticking up wildly from his head, we’re halfway through a pot of coffee. There’s a pot of oatmeal simmering on the stove. Simple and satisfying. I give Lexi props for teaching the kid to appreciate nutritious food.
“Morning sleepyhead.” Lexi scoots her chair back and smiles. “Ready for some breakfast?”
Gabe rubs his eyes. “What are you doing up already? I thought you were off work today.”
“I am.” Lexi pulls a bowl down from the cabinet. “Brown sugar or blueberries in your oatmeal?”
“Blueberries.” Gabe slides up onto the seat next to me. “Morning, Ty.”
“Morning, buddy.”
The day I prepared for my first mission, I was a nervous wreck. My hands wanted to shake and if I stopped thinking about controlling it even for a minute, they did. My mind kept wandering down a million anxiety-riddled paths. I had to force myself to eat. To talk. To smile. Of all the days in my life, I’d say that was one of my worst, a day I was just barely able to get control of myself.
Until today.
We’re going to tell Gabe I’m his father this morning. I have no idea what to expect. Okay. Let me take that back. I have some idea what to expect because I started Googling the best ways to introduce a parent to an older child the moment I realized that I was the parent of an older child. My research brought up very few definitive answers about how to approach the situation because each child reacts differently. Some take it in stride and some very much do not take it in stride. I spent a good portion of last night trying to put myself in his shoes and aside from being a cute little badass when I was his age, I don’t remember enough about that time to know how I would handle it.
And so, rather than spend a whole day worrying about it, I asked Lexi if we could tell him first thing. Just rip off the bandage and get it over with so we all can start carving out our new normal. She made me promise to wait until after he had breakfast but gave me the go ahead. We are officially one blueberry-speckled oatmeal away from the truth.
I refill my coffee while I wait for the boy to eat. What Lexi doesn’t know is that I had an idea about what our future looks like while she was asleep. As soon as we’ve gotten through the Gabe thing, she and I are going to have a little chat of our own. I promised her last night that I would solve the problem of our long-distance relationship and I did. The solution is extreme but it’s solid. Extreme times call for extreme measures and damn if discovering I have a family waiting for me in Ohio doesn’t fall into that category.
Gabe eats his oatmeal and his face becomes more expressive as he continues to wake up. “I told Terrence about that stuff you taught me with the football.”
“Yeah? Was he duly impressed?”
“Not really. He rolled his eyes and told me everyone already knew how to do that.”
“That’s just jealousy, my little friend. But don’t you worry. I’ll teach you some more stuff that will have him calling you the Master of Football before you know it.”
Gabe scrapes his spoon around his bowl and pops the last bite of oatmeal in his mouth. “That was good, Mom. Thanks.” He gathers his bowl and puts it on the counter.
“Have a seat, would you?” Lexi smiles at her son. “We want to talk to you about something.”
Gabe pinches his eyebrows together. “Am I in trouble?”
“No, no. Nothing like that.” She pulls out his chair and gestures for him to sit. “But it’s kind of a big deal and I want you to listen and ask as many questions as you can think of.”
Gabe nods and sits. Holy shit. Here we are. Part of me wants to just blurt it out. I’m your dad! But I think maybe this conversation needs a little more finesse than that.
Lexi takes a long breath and sucks in her lips. “Remember how I always said your dad was a war hero and he’s gone a lot fighting bad guys?”
Gabe looks at his mom long and hard and then his attention whips to me. He’s a smart kid and I can see the puzzle pieces fitting together for him. The real question is, how is he going to take it?
Gabe holds my focus for a long time and then a slow smile washes across his face. “For real?”
Lexi nods. “For real.”
“Like Ty is my dad? For real?” Gabe looks so happy it fills my heart until I think it’s going to burst from my chest.
Lexi smiles, her eyes brimming with tears. “Gabe, I’d like you to meet your father.” She takes my hand and a lump forms in my throat.
Gabe turns to me. “I kinda already knew it was you.”
All my anxiety falls away. I clear my throat and lean forward. “Oh yeah? What clued you in?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. I just knew I guess.”
That’s exactly what happened when I saw him. I just knew he was mine. The same way, when I met Lexi, I just knew she was mine, too. I have no doubt that we are all created out of the same stuff and put on this earth to find each other.
I fold my arms on the table. “See, here’s the thing, Gabe. It makes me really sad that I haven’t been here for you up until now. That is not the kind of dad I want to be. Even though I was off fighting bad guys, if I had known about you, nothing could have kept me away.”
“How many bad guys did you fight?”
I blink and sit back, images of gunfire and the sound of men yelling going off in my head. “Lots and lots.”
“Do you still have to fight bad guys?”
I nod, sad about it for the first time. “I do. I have to leave again very soon.”
Lexi sits forward. “Ty and I wanted you to know before he left. So you had time to ask any questions and get used to the idea of him being your father.”
Gabe’s face crumbles and he looks upset for the first time since we started this conversation. “You have to leave again? How soon?”
“In a couple days. But I am all yours until then.” It’s not enough. Even as I say it, I recognize it’s not enough, but the look on his face tells me Gabe also knows it’s not enough and that crushes me.
“And what about after?” he asks, his voice thick with emotion.
“I’m still all yours. We’ll figure this out and even though I might have to leave from time to time, I promise you that I will always come back to you. Always. And when I make a promise, I keep it.”
Gabe bounds out of his chair and wraps his arms around my neck. “I’m really glad you’re my dad.”
“I’m really glad you’re my son,” I say as I memorize the moment when I finally hug my boy for the first time.
Lexi stands and moves to the sink. When she thinks I’m not looking, she wipes away the tears rolling down her cheeks. I thump Gabe on the back and pull away.
Lexi turns around, smiling sweetly. “Why don’t you brush your teeth and get dressed and Ty and I can figure out what today is going to look like.”
“I can already tell you what it’s gonna look like,” Gabe says. “It’s gonna look good because I have a dad and his name is Ty.” He gives me one last tight hug and then practically skips out of the room.
“That went easier than expected.” Lexi wipes more tears from her eyes.
“Things might bubble up in a few days as he has time to digest the news, but yes. That was definitely one of the best possible outcomes.”
“Let me guess, you’ve been researching this for days.”
I point a finger and raise my eyebrows. “Bingo.”
Lexi swipes her coffee cup off the table, and then pauses. “You good or are you ready for a refill, too?”
I stare into my empty mug. “I’d love a refill.” I hand her the mug and then dive right into phase two of this conversation. “Remember last night when I promised you I’d figure out how we could have a real relationship instead of a long-distance one?”
She turns her head to look at me over her shoulder. “Yeah…” She gives her attention back to the coffee. “You mean the impossible solution to the impossible situation?”
“For the record, nothing is impossible, especially when I’m around.”
Lexi brings me my mug and then takes a seat. “I have to admit, I do love it when you get all hoorah and Sempre Fi on me.”
“I’m not really sure what that means, but I’m going to take it as a compliment.” I take a drink and smile as I set the mug down in front of me. “Here’s the thing. I make a decent amount of money. I also get overseas pay, hazard pay, and a per diem when I’m deployed. And I’m deployed a lot. I live on base, and because of my somewhat transient lifestyle, I live frugally. What I’m trying to say here is that I have more than enough money to be comfortable and happy for a long time.”
Lexi laughs. “Okay.” She scrunches up her nose and shrugs. “How nice for you. Should I congratulate you? I don’t really know the proper response to that statement.” She’s teasing me and I love her for it.
“Sometimes the best way to solve a difficult situation is to throw a bunch of money at it.”
Lexi looks dubious. “Something tells me I’m not going to like this solution because I’m not loaded nor am I in the habit of accepting handouts.”
“But what if you love it?”
“How about you just tell me so I can decide for myself?”
She’s right. It’s time to stop dancing around the issue.
“I want you and Gabe to move to Hawaii. I scoped out some cheap apartments near the base. Or, if you want, you can just live with me. My house isn’t huge, but it’s not small and the three of us could fit there quite comfortably. You don’t have to worry about finding work right away, not unless you want to. I have more than enough money to support us regardless as to whether you choose to live in an apartment—which I would pay for, of course—or come stay with me.”
Lexi sinks back into her chair, her mouth hanging open. “You want me to move to Hawaii?”
I nod. “Very much.”
“I can’t do that. What about my job?”
“You can get a new one out there. Nurses are always needed and maybe you can get a job as a civilian nurse on base.” So far, she’s reacting exactly the way I expected her to react. She herself mentioned her resistance to change, her fear of messing with what’s working fine in case everything comes crashing down around her. If I can help her see past the fear, she’ll see what a great opportunity this is for all of us.
Outside, a cloud covers the sun and the entire kitchen darkens as Lexi’s mouth forms a grim line. “What about Gabe’s school? His friends?”
“The schools out there are good and he can make new friends. Plus, there’s the added educational benefit of seeing a different part of the world and learning about a new culture. Has he ever been to the beach before?” I wait for her to shake her head. “This way he’ll get to grow up near one,” I add.
“And what about my family? My mom?”
I don’t have a great answer for that one. “There’s always Skype.”
“What about the fact that you and I have only known each other for a few days? What if I quit my job and sell my house and thoroughly piss off my mom and my friends by moving to the other side of the world only to discover that you and I aren’t a match made in heaven? What then?”
“What if we are a match made in heaven?”
She folds her arms over her chest. “I can’t make a decision this big based off what if.”
“I know I’m asking for a lot and that’s scary, but I believe what you and I have is worth it.”
Lexi studies me for a long time. “What if I asked you to quit the Marines and move here? This house is small, but we’d be comfortable. Gabe could stay in his school and keep his friends and not suffer through a lot of upheaval.” Her voice is quiet and her eyes are sad.
Quit the Marines? The thought never crossed my mind. Not once. Her question is fair. I’m asking her to uproot her entire life for us, it’s only right that we consider uprooting my life, too. But what am I if not a Marine? She could get a new nursing job anywhere and be comfortable after a few weeks’ transition. But me? What would I even do as a civilian? How would I make a living and provide for this family?
I stare into her eyes and feel a rift open up between us. I hate it. “That’s a good question and fair of you to ask.”
“But you can’t imagine life outside of the Corps.”
I smile sadly. “I never have. Not until this very moment.” So now what? Are we truly in an impossible situation? One where one of us has to give up everything to be with the other? Would I change everything I am for her? For Gabe? For the two of them together? Will she do it for me? Is this all there ever is for us? A few days spent together with an entire continent and most of an ocean separating us for the rest of our lives?