Alice
Mom doesn’t put up much argument when I wake her up. I’m thankful for that because if she started to protest, I don’t know if I could keep it together. She might be a shell of herself, but she can sense that something’s got me seriously upset and in the kind of mood where I don’t want to talk about things out loud.
She gets dressed quietly and gets into my car without so much as a word, other than to remind me to take a coat because it’s cold outside. She wouldn’t be my mom if she didn’t tell me to take a coat. I love her for that.
I drive us in silence down to San Luis, to that old bed and breakfast on the outskirts of town, where, not too long ago, my mom and I spent a little time searching for peace in the wake of her diagnosis.
It’s not until we’re checked in and settled into our little room with a distant view of the ocean, that my mom says anything.
“Alice, you need to sit down and talk to me. I might lose my train of thought from time to time, but I am not clueless and I know when something is really bothering my daughter.”
She pats the spot on the bed next to her and gives me a pointed look that makes me feel like I’m twelve years old. When I take the spot next to her, she puts a frail, bony arm around me and pulls me close.
Where do I begin?
How do I tell my mom that I finally got what I was hoping for, but it tastes bitter and ashen in my mouth?
My voice comes out hesitant and I can’t even look her in the eyes as I talk to her.
“Mom, there’s a lot that went wrong tonight. I can’t talk to you about most of it, I just can’t, and you’ll have to accept that. But I feel like I worked so hard to get ahead, and I got halfway there. I solved one problem, but it cost me someone who really meant a lot to me.”
She’s quiet a second, and when she talks, her voice is resonant with warmth and compassion. “So you and Thrash broke up? Is that it, honey?”
There’s more than that — this whole experience has been a trauma I’d rather forget — but I know that I have to keep most of it a secret, even from her, just so I can keep her safe.
But, for all the trouble he’s caused me, and though I know it’s wrong, I wish Thrash was here. I wish he was here and that he hadn’t lied, over and over, about everything.
“Yes.”
“I am so sorry. You two really seemed like you were going to be so good together. What happened?”
“It’s complicated.”
“It always is. If it was easy, it wouldn’t hurt so much,” she says. “He really was nice to be around — I had more fun that afternoon with him than I’ve had in a long time.”
“I know, mom,” I say. “But, there’s just a lot that happened and it’s best for me that he and I stay separate.”
“If you say so, dear. You’d know what’s best for yourself. But from what I remember, you two seemed pretty happy together.”
“We were. Just trust me, mom,” I say.
But I’m not sure I can even trust myself about this. Am I doing the right thing? I shake my head in frustration. It doesn’t matter now, anyway. What’s done is done, and I know that there’s no way that Thrash will change his mind — and I won’t change mine either.
“Alice, open up.”
Those words turn my head and make my heart leap in my chest. They’re so urgent and pained, that even though I know I shouldn’t, I get up and head to the door.
Keeping it on the chain, I warily open it just a crack.
He’s there.
And he looks like hell.
He smells like ash and his face is battered, bruised, bloody.
But he still smiles at the sight of me. And even though I’m shocked that he’s here, and even though I tell myself I should send him away, I can’t help but smile at seeing him, too.
“Oh my God, what happened to you?” I say. “And how the hell did you find me here?
“I found you because you talked about this place, once. And I was listening,” he says. “As for the rest… that was Hammer.”
“Is he?”
“Dead? Yeah.”
“Are we in danger? What’s going on, Thrash?”
He shakes his head. “I think he was the only one who knew. Riot’s cleaning up the mess at my place, so as long as we lay low, we should be ok. Listen, I’d really like to come in. Can you open the door for me? Or do I need to get a boombox and blast some Peter Gabriel in front of your bedroom window?”
His smile gets wider and he winks at me. Then winces at the pain of winking with his bruised face.
It melts my heart.
“Don’t. Please. No Peter Gabriel. That scene was so dumb.”
I open the door and he steps inside. He’s confident, despite looking like he’s been through a meat grinder, and his presence is comforting, despite everything that’s gone on between us I can’t deny that I missed his presence.
“Hey, Daisy,” he says, with a nod to my mom.
“Thrash,” she says, smiling back. “So good to see you.”
“Mind if I grab a seat?” He says, looking at me.
I nod and he pulls up a chair and I take a seat on the bed opposite him. My mom, with a smile on her face, gets up and comes over to me and gives me a kiss on the forehead.
“I think I’m going to head out and grab a cup of coffee at that diner across the street, dear,” she says. “I’ll be a while. A long while, if you understand.”
“Mom, please don’t embarrass me.”
“I don’t know what you mean, dear.”
The door shuts behind her and Thrash looks to me.
“How is she doing?” He says.
“Well enough. I’m sure she’ll complain a bit tomorrow about being tired, but that’s fair, I did wake her up in the middle of the night for an impromptu road trip,” I say. “But I know you didn’t come here to check on my mom.”
Thrash nods and lets out an affirmative grunt. “Fair enough. I’m not here just to check on Daisy, though she’s a nice woman and you’re lucky to have her. I came because I saw all the cash we stole, except for your share, go up in flames; I came because I nearly died; I came because, while all that was happening, the only thing I could think about was how important you are to me and how I had to keep you safe.”
“Excuse me?”
I’m speechless, my tongue frozen to the roof of my mouth in surprise.
Thrash moves from his chair to sit beside me on the bed.
“The truth and I have a complicated relationship, Alice, and that’s putting it lightly,” he says, then takes a deep breath. “But the truth is, you are the most valuable thing in my life. I’ll burn down everything I own just to keep you safe. I want you back. It won’t be perfect. It won’t be easy. I’m going to make mistakes, I’m going to slip up, but I will always tell you the truth and I will never forget how important you are to me.”
His sincerity cuts to the heart of me. Part of me is screaming to believe him, and part of me is so afraid of being hurt again. He’s a man who always has an agenda, a plan, an ulterior motive.
Can I risk it?
My heart is screaming ‘yes’, but the rest of me is screaming to be cautious.
“Thrash, I don’t know,” I start to say. Then I look at him. Really look at him. Beneath the bruises, deep in his eyes I see that he’s being utterly sincere. He means every single fucking word.
“I’d burn it all down for you, Alice. Every last bill. You’re what matters.”
I want to respond, but I can’t say the words I need to say.
My heart hurts, my emotions are pulling me in so many different directions, and my thoughts are scattered to the wind after this hellish night.
Even though I can’t say it, I sure as hell can show it.
I lean forward and I press my lips to his.
And I keep them there, while my heart thunders in my chest and my breath comes fast and short with excitement. While my whole body lights with love.
Tonight is the second chance I’ve been looking for. A chance to start over with a man by my side who will give anything to keep me safe.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you, too,” he answers.
He pushes me backward onto the bed and climbs atop me. I let out a yelp. He glances over at the clock and then back to me. There’s a wicked grin on his face.
“We’ve got at least an hour alone.”
I smile back at him.
“Then we’d better get started.”