Looking around the dinner table, Lucas observed his family. Everyone was laughing about something Jaxson had just said to Christen that made him blush to the tips of his ears. His little brother was adorable even as an adult.

It was their once-a-month Sunday dinner when the family found time to get together. Lucas could honestly admit to himself that he did not see this continuing for as long as it has. But he should’ve guessed that whenever his mother got an idea in her head, she always followed through with it to the letter.

Lucas and his family had always been a tight-knit group, but oddly enough, they've become even closer since Christen moved to Providence and met his husband, Jaxson Colvin. They had a one-night stand resulting in his little brother getting pregnant and having triplets. Anyone who knew his mother was very well aware that she wanted a large family, including a boatload of grandkids.

It was her utter joy to see her family expanding. Lucas never could have predicted that his parents would pack up and move to Providence to be closer to Christen after the triplets were born. Nor would he ever have guessed that his dad would turn the reins of Hamilton Enterprise over to him and his twin brother, Tyler.

Their family definitely grew, and Lucas was happy that Jaxson and Christen were blissfully in love with each other. If it wasn’t for them, he wasn’t sure he would have met half the people sitting at the dinner table. What he couldn’t fathom was why the couple wanted to have more kids.

The triplets were a few years shy of being teenagers with three different personalities and the apples of their parents' eyes. From pictures he’d seen of Jaxson’s mother, Madeline shared a striking resemblance to her with a dash of Christen thrown in. Cayden and Alexander were miniature Jaxson’s except for their gray eyes.

“I can’t believe you guys are thinking about having more kids,” he said to his little brother. “Have you really thought this through?”

“Of course, we have. I don’t see what the big deal is. I love the triplets and want a big family,” Christen answered.

“I still think it’s crazy,” Lucas said.

“I think it’s a wonderful idea, the more, the merrier,” his mother added to the conversation.

“You would.” Lucas smiled. “You just love watching us suffer as the kids drive us crazy."

“Yup.” She smiled back and leaned closer to his dad sitting beside her. “I love having them for the day and sending them home hopped up on sugar. It’s the best part of being grandparents.”

Lucas looked at his twin brother, Tyler, and his husband, Ethan, who had announced a couple of weeks ago that he was three months pregnant with their second child.

“At least wait until Ethan and Tyler’s baby is born,” he said leaning back in his chair.

“Can’t promise you that, big brother, Mother Nature waits for no one.”

“I’m with Uncle Lucas,” Raynebow said.

A smile crossed Lucas’ face when he turned to look at his little Raynebow. He’d loved her from the second he held her in his arms. She always surprised him with how smart and grown-up she could sometimes be. 

“What do you agree with, my sweet little Rayne?”

“I want more cousins, but can you wait until I go to college or something?”

The entire table burst out in laughter at her insightful but innocent question.

“They can’t wait for you to go to college, Rayne, by then they will be way too old, like older than Gram is now,” Nicholas said shaking his head at his cousin’s ridiculous statement.

Lucas looked over at Brenden who had a pleased expression on his face, with his arms wrapped around Stephen, both were staring at their son with pride. Lucas smiled thinking how well Brenden and his family fit in with the Hamiltons. Nicholas was certainly growing up to be a good kid.

At twelve, he was like any other preteen who would rather hang out with his friends than his family. He was still a curious kid and asked thought-provoking questions that stumped Lucas, his parents, and pretty much everyone in the family, at times.

He loved hearing the kid call him Uncle Luc, it was the same smile his mother wore when Nicholas or any of the other kids called her Gram. Lucas looked to the side, and as usual, a soccer ball was not far from Nicholas’ reach. He was an excellent soccer player and shined on the field. It was a treat, and proud moment, when the entire family showed up to cheer and watch Nicholas play. 

“Daddy, are you and Papa going to have another baby?” Lily asked her parents.

“Um . . .” Stephen said while Brenden simply stared at his daughter.

Lily was the spitting image of Stephen down to her attitude and long silver-blonde hair and violet eyes. Lily had a mind of her own, and was quick to remind everyone that although she and Raynebow were the same age, she was older by a few months. The girls were thick as thieves and were always teaming up on their parents to have more sleepovers so that they could spend more time together.

“Please, say no,” Nicholas begged his parents.

“Why would you say that, Nick? It’s not fair that you have me as a little sister and I don’t have one.”

“Do you see what you started?”

Lucas looked over at Julian and grinned unashamedly of what he started.

“All right, let’s not get upset,” Mark said calmly to the two kids who were in a staring match. “If and when your parents decide to have another child, they will talk it over with you two. But until then, enjoy being the apples of their eyes.”

“But I want a little sister and not a brother because boys are so yucky,” Lily whined.

“Listen to your grandpa Mark,” Julian told his granddaughter. “Right now, your parents have no plans to have another baby, well, I hope they don’t,” he said looking toward his son and Brenden. “For now, don’t worry about such a thing, okay?”

“Okay,” Lily said, crossing her arms over her chest pouting. “But I still want a sister. I know, maybe they could adopt?”

 Snickers were heard around the table. “You’re not going to give up, are you?” Lily shook her head looking at her grandfather. “Your kid is just as stubborn as you were growing up,” Julian said to his son.

 “I think she has me beat in that department,” Stephen said to Julian.

“I doubt it,” Julian and Mark said together, and everyone started laughing.

Julian and Mark Colvin still acted as if they were newlyweds along with his parents, Asher and Marilyn. They’d married a few years earlier. Mark retired from his position as Chief Surgeon of Sheffield and went into teaching part time. Mark seemed to enjoy teaching just as much as he did being a doctor. Julian was still working to save as many children as he could who were without parents or living in abusive situations. But Julian felt as if he wasn’t doing enough and opened a boys and girls home along with starting an organization that was associated with Hamilton Enterprise. Working in conjunction with the organization, Julian was also able to help men and women who were in abusive relationships.

The Hamilton family chipped in at the boys and girls home as well. They all volunteered and mentored the kids and parents using whatever skills they knew would help the kids become successful members of society. Looking around at the people sitting at the table, Lucas noted the two people missing from the table. One was Tucker who, if Lucas remembered clearly, had only attended one dinner since the family started expanding. And the other was Richard who was at a conference and wouldn't be back for another week.

Lucas smiled thinking about Richard who had become more like a brother than an in-law. Lucas' life was filled with people that genuinely loved each other. It was also their love and strength that helped him to get through the rough patches he had to deal with in his life a couple of years earlier. There was a tug on his shirt sleeve, and Lucas looked down at the tiny hand pulling on him, trying to get his attention. 

Zoi. 

Zoinida Lynne Hamilton, his beautiful two-year-old daughter who looked just like her mother, Rebecca. Lucas felt a wave of sadness flow through him, just thinking of his wife’s name. One year earlier, Rebecca, the love of his life, had died after losing her battle with cancer. Lucas remembered the day they’d announced they were getting married. It was at Mark and Julian’s wedding.

Before he’d proposed to Rebecca, he’d asked Mark and Julian if it was okay for him to ask her at their wedding. They were excited and told Lucas they enjoyed seeing young people in love and did not mind sharing that part of their day with him and Rebecca.

Lucas had planned on getting married right away, but during a routine breast exam, Rebecca found out that she had breast cancer. Lucas still wanted to marry her right away, but Rebecca wanted to wait until after she was sure she was cancer-free. Lucas loved Rebecca and wanted to make her happy, so he waited. Rebecca’s doctor had recommended that she have a mastectomy. At first, Rebecca was hesitant to agree to have the surgery because she feared Lucas wouldn’t find her attractive without her breasts.

Lucas assured his woman that he would love and find her attractive regardless. He made Rebecca understand there were so many other things he loved about her other than her breasts. It was the truth. Rebecca was smart, caring, loving, and most certainly wasn’t afraid to put him in his place when he got too bossy or was acting like an idiot.

Rebecca was his, and he was completely hers. When they found out Rebecca was cancer-free, they got married two weeks later. Marilyn, his mother, threw everything together the second Rebecca said she was ready to get married.

It was two years later when Rebecca told him that she was pregnant. Lucas couldn’t stop smiling and walked around with the brightest smile on his face for what seemed like months. But with their joy of a new life came sadness her cancer had returned. Even with the advancement of science, some diseases were still incurable. Losing Rebecca wrecked him. And Lucas wasn’t ashamed to admit that he was thankful he had his family to lean on.

Lucas reached over and picked up Zoi, giving her a quick kiss on her cheek. He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent. Cookies. She always smelled as if she’d been munching on cookies all day. Lucas loved Zoi so much he wished Rebecca had lived to watch her grow up. A few moments later, he stood up from the table excusing himself, noticing that Zoi was rubbing her eyes; a clear sign that she was sleepy even though she was trying to fight it. 

“Hey, guys,” he said getting everyone's attention. “I’m going to put Zoi down for a nap. I'll be right back.” 

“Aw, my sweet baby girl,” his mom said, reaching over to take Zoi from his arms and kissing her a few times on the cheek, making her giggle. 

“Don’t believe him, Mom, he’s just using Zoi, so you don’t ask him about that blind date you set him up on,” Tyler said, and Lucas narrowed his eyes at his brother.

“Yes, dear, I forgot to ask, how did it go?” she asked him.

“Um . . . Look at that, Zoi seems to be falling asleep.”

He took his daughter from his mother’s arms and walked out of the dining room, leaving his family to talk about him and his lack of a love life. Sunday dinners could sometimes last late into the night, and those that lived in New York, ended up staying overnight. He, along with Tyler, Ethan, and Richard, had their own rooms. He lay down on the bed with Zoi resting on his chest.

Her beautiful dark curls hitting his chin. Brushing her hair down, Lucas started rubbing her back and listened to her breathing. His mind went back to his wife. He loved Rebecca so much, Lucas had no idea how he’d made it some days without her. He chased her and practically begged her to marry him until she’d said yes.

Lucas had been so damn happy. He did not expect anything bad to happen. Rebecca was seven months pregnant when she found out that her cancer had returned. Being adopted, Rebecca did not know much about her family history. Rebecca had no idea what illness could have been passed down to her through her bloodline.

Before Rebecca had the mastectomy, her surgeon and doctors had explained that even though she would be removing her breasts, the cancer could still return around the chest area. The last month and a half of Rebecca’s pregnancy was the hardest for everyone involved. 

Rebecca’s cancer had spread to other parts of her body before the doctors could think of removing the cells. And she was also against chemotherapy while she was still pregnant. She did not want to take the chance of having the chemicals endanger the baby.

No matter how many times the doctors told Rebecca that the baby would be okay, she refused. They waited until Zoi was at a perfect weight before inducing Rebecca. Zoi had to stay in the NICU for a couple of weeks before Lucas was able to take her home. While Rebecca stayed a bit longer because of her surgeries. The doctors were hopeful and optimistic they’d removed all that cancerous cells, but it had spread further than they had originally thought. 

Even with rounds of chemotherapy, Rebecca seemed only to get sicker. Everyone knew she was going to die, the only one that did not want to believe it, was Lucas. He still held out hope that she would come through everything fine and they would go on with their lives and raise their daughter. It hurt Lucas that Rebecca accepted her fate and was giving up on trying to live for him and their daughter. He did not want to live without Rebecca, who had become more than just his wife.

She was his best friend. Lucas realized that he was trying to keep her alive even though he knew she was ready to stop hurting. But in his mind, he was trying to make Rebecca live for Zoi so that she would have her mother around. Lucas missed Rebecca more than words could say. She was his center, and it was as if those long months of him trying to keep her alive were silenced in a blink of an eye.

After her death, he was crushed and didn’t know how he was going to cope. He leaned on his mother more than he cared to admit. But she was happy to help him. Lucas had never seen himself falling in love and getting married, but Rebecca captured his heart. When Rebecca died, Lucas closed his heart and mind off to dating again. Rebecca was the only woman for him. He loved her too much to let another woman take her place. 

“I love that about you,” Rebecca said. Lucas turned his head to look at his wife.

She had a scarf wrapped around her head and she looked smaller and thinner than normal. She lifted her hand to caress his cheek with the tips of her fingers. Lucas closed his eyes. Her hand was cold on his cheek. “You need to let me go, you know,” she whispered. 

“I can’t,” Lucas told her opening his eyes. “I love you too much.” 

Rebecca smiled. “You were always too damn stubborn for your own good. You will love again, Luc.” 

“Never, Becs, you are it for me,” he told her, turning his face to kiss her cold palm. 

“Don’t close off your heart, Lucas. Promise me when you realize it, you won’t turn your back on love. Zoi needs to see what love looks like.” 

“She sees it every time she’s around our family.”

Rebecca smiled. “She needs to see it from you.”

Lucas closed his eyes and turned his head, looking away from Rebecca, her hand fell away from his cheek. “I can’t promise that to you, baby.” She giggled, and it was good to hear that sound coming from her.

“You’re so stubborn, give in this once, Luc,” she whispered.

He opened his eyes and looked back to Rebecca to find her spot empty. It was a dream, another one like all the rest he’d been having a lot more of lately. 

Lucas closed his eyes again taking a deep breath and wrapped his arm around Zoi. It had only been two years since Rebecca died, but to Lucas, it still felt like yesterday. He still loved her deeply. Moving Zoi’s hair from her forehead kissing her gently, he thought about one of the last promises Rebecca asked of him. To take care of Zoi and make sure she grew up to be a young lady with a kind and loving heart. And most of all he should not give up on love, ever. He could not promise the last one to her then, and he could not do it now. She was the woman he wanted from the moment he met her, and no other woman could take her place.

* * *

Tucker Stevens opened the door of his home, dropping his case at the side of the door. Stepping into the room, he took off his suit jacket and threw it over the back of the sofa. He loosened his tie as he walked further into his home. 

“You work too much; I’ve been telling you this for years, Tuck. When did you become such a workaholic?” 

Tucker ignored the voice because he knew for sure that the person speaking wasn’t real. It was a figment of his imagination. It was the same voice that spoke to him for the past fourteen years, every time he walked through the door of his house. Tucker long ago figured out that he was either crazy or delusional. He refused to seek a diagnosis, in fear that he could be mental. He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge pulling out a beer. Twisting the top off, he took his first swig sighing at the bitter cold liquid. 

“Don’t ignore me, Tucker Stevens.” 

Pulling the bottle from his lips. “If I ignore you, then I know you’re not real,” he whispered.

Walking out of the kitchen, he took the stairs two at a time heading to his bedroom. He refused to look at the pictures lining the walls depicting the happy moments he shared with Rochelle and their daughter, Laura. He’d lost his wife, daughter, and his sister on the same day in a tragedy he will never get over. Tucker walked into his bedroom, throwing his tie on the bed. He put his beer bottle on the dresser then started undressing. He threw his shirt in the direction of the hamper and missed the thing completely. Not caring, he walked into his bathroom, switching on the lights and then the shower. 

Another lonely night, accompanied by another lonely weekend. He got under the hot scalding water, letting it loosen his tightly wound muscles. I’ve spent the past few years alone, another night won’t hurt. He took his time showering, purposely bypassing his erection. Getting out of the shower he dried himself off, ignoring the presence in the room. Tucker didn’t want to admit that he might be crazy seeing and talking to his dead wife.

“I’ve always enjoyed staring at you. You are so beautiful.” 

Tucker would have moved long ago, but it was the house he and Rochelle had bought together when they’d found out she was pregnant with Laura. He’d updated it over the years, but those updates didn't remove all that was embedded in every room. The first time they made love, the first time they brought Laura home from the hospital, the joy of seeing Laura taking her first steps. Tucker couldn’t at the time and still cannot force himself to get rid of his little girl's things.

Laura’s room was still the same as when he and Rochelle decorated it. He couldn’t walk past her room door without choking up. Laura would have just turned fifteen. A teenager. Tucker wasn’t sure how he would have handled being the father of a teenager. He wondered if Laura would see herself as his little girl. Tucker closed his eyes shutting off his thought and tried not to think about what could have been. They were dead, and there was nothing he could do to change things.

Tucker opened his eyes and stood in front of the mirror staring at himself. Using his fingers, he brushed his blond hair from his face noting that it felt good going back to his natural color. Tucker’s hair was longer than it should be considering the bureau had regulations when it came to hair lengths for both men and women.

He’d started dyeing his hair back in college and wore it as a brunette for years wanting to appear a bit older to attract a more mature woman. In his younger days, he had a thing for older women, which was what attracted him to his wife. The other great thing about dyeing his hair blond, it hid the gray hairs which made him look older than he really was.

 He continued to stare at his reflection in the mirror, on the outside he looked like a man with confidence. But on the inside, he was still a broken man trying to hold his shit together. He worked more than necessary, simply because in the office he didn’t need to think about how lonely he was. He’d lost so much the day his wife and daughter died. Becoming a shell just going through the motions of life. Tucker was numb, unable to feel any kind of emotions. He’d almost withdrew from society and was on a road of self-destruction.

If it wasn’t for Stephen and Julian, he didn’t want to think about what could have happened. He never shared what he was going through with Julian. His brother and nephew were hurting just as much as he was, but they held onto each other. Samaria, their sister, was their center. He hated that Nick and Stephen never got the chance to meet his aunt. Tucker was certain Samaria would have loved them. He’d sunk so deep into depression he wondered how he still had a job, much less became an assistant director to one of the top divisions of the FBI. 

“I never knew you were into pain, Tuck.” He looked at the reflection to see Rochelle's imaginary figure standing behind him. “But I must admit the artwork is beautiful. I get chills every time I look at it.” 

The large black shaded angel wings covered both sides of his back, in the center of the wings is a picture of a woman holding a baby in one arm while the other cupped the face of a little girl. When Tucker got the tattoo, he wanted to feel the sting of the needle piercing his skin.

But he felt nothing. Not the bite of the needle or the scraping against his skin. With blood came pain; the pain should have made him feel alive. He kept going back getting more artwork hoping the next time he would get the release he thought he needed. The only thing that seemed to help was the buzzing of the needle.

“I know why you did this to yourself, Tucker. You need to let us go.” 

“How can I let you go when you are in my every waking thought?” Tucker asked, speaking up for the first time. He walked over to the bed and sat down, placing his head in his hands. 

“I can’t move on until I know you’ve moved on,” Rochelle said to him. 

“I have moved on, Rochelle, so now you can as well.” 

“No, you haven’t,” she snorted. “You work late to avoid coming home. When was the last time you met someone or went out on a date? That’s not moving on, Tucker. And it’s not living. You can’t keep going through the motions and call that living.”

“Am I seriously getting lectured by a ghost?” Tucker huffed. “I must be fucking crazy. If I told people I talk to my dead wife, they would lock me up in the loony bin and throw away the damn key.” 

“You’re not crazy, Tucker. You’re perfectly sane. I just need you to move on.”

Tucker lifted his head up and looked around his bedroom, and it was empty. He flopped back down on his bed staring up at the ceiling. Subconsciously, Tucker knew it was all in his head. He was holding on to Rochelle because she had been his everything and the love of his life. Tears pooled in the corner of his eyes.

Even after fourteen years, he remembered the scent of her favorite perfume and could hear Laura’s infectious laughter coming from her room. Tucker felt his life stopped the day they died. He’d boxed up their clothes and put them in the garage. He couldn’t give them to charity because it would seem as if he was letting go of them too soon. He took a deep, shaky breath as a smile graced his lips recalling the first time he met Rochelle.

Tucker was fairly young when he met Rochelle, she was older than him and Samaria’s college roommate, and even with the years between them, they became best friends. He was visiting his sister the day he met Rochelle and fell madly in love with her. It was not the same for Rochelle, or so she told him. She thought he was too young for her and wanted someone more mature in age and intellect. But after their first insightful conversation, he got her to agree to go on one date with him that turned into many more.

Ultimately getting engaged, married, and starting a family. Tucker had planned on spending the rest of his life with Rochelle. There would be no other woman for him. Tucker hadn’t been interested in dating since Rochelle died. No one caught his interest. He’d been flirted with but never took the bait. Maybe he was limiting himself by not going out on dates, or even having a one-night stand. Tucker knew he wasn’t unattractive in the least.

He was tall, muscular, with blond hair and green eyes. He worked out regularly, and contrary to what his brother thought, he ate very healthy. When he decided to show off his tattoos, they gave him a bad boy appearance that you could still take home to meet Mom and Dad.

Maybe I should start dating. But where do I start?

Before he met Rochelle, he had a particular type that he wanted. Older than him, busty, a nice round ass that he could grab during sex, and skin a tone that looked and tasted like melted chocolate. Rochelle had two out of the four things he wanted. Once he met Rochelle, Tucker’s list was thrown out of the window. For so long, Tucker blamed himself for what had happened.

Slowly as the years passed, he was able to accept that it wasn’t his fault. He’d gone through the motions of what-ifs in his mind a thousand times. But he wasn’t the one that had been driving the car, it was Rochelle. He wasn’t the one to see the truck coming at them. Tucker’s only regret was that he wasn’t there when his loved ones took their last breath. Tears slipped down the side of his eyes as he snapped them shut. 

I will never forgive myself for not being there for them.

* * *