CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
A week sex sober and counting.
“You seem happy this morning,” Dr. Lorraine says, smiling.
“I’m in a good mood.”
“Any reason?”
“Not the one you’re thinking of.”
A hearty laugh fills the room. “What’s her name?”
“I didn’t have sex with her.”
“I didn’t accuse you.”
“Her name is Sutton.”
“Tell me about her.”
I launch into how we met, the dates we’ve been on. And yes, I tell Dr. Lorraine about the almost-sex we had. She actually seems proud of me, and says she won’t take away my days. “I told her about you and why I’m coming and the sex diet. She was very mature about it. I thought she might not want to be involved with me.”
“She accepts you.”
“She likes the idea of no sex for a while, but I need to amend the rules.”
“We can get to that later,” she says. “Describe her to me.”
I take forever describing her, the way her skin blushes with a hint of pink when she’s embarrassed, the perfect curves of her body, the way she twirls her brown hair when she’s nervous, the blue shade of her eyes. I want Dr. Lorraine to have a vivid picture of her. Still, I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job.
Dr. Lorraine’s smile covers her whole face, stopping me. “I have a clear picture of her in my mind. She works in a competing hotel. Do you think that will be a problem?”
“No, we actually might do a little venture together.”
Dr. Lorraine leans forward in her chair. “Do you foresee any problems with that venture, or anything else with Sutton?”
I pause for a moment and think. Let’s see. She’s going to want to have kids, and I lied to her about that. She’s going to want to get married, and I’ve never even considered it. She’s thinking about love, and I’m thinking about lust. Plus, business ventures crumble all the time because of personal issues. “I’m trying to just have fun with her right now. This is different for me.”
She puts down her pen. “What did you do?”
My eyes open wide. “What? Nothing.”
“You just went somewhere else in your mind.”
How the hell can she read me like that? Blowing out a deep breath, I say, “She’s not like me. She wants marriage, love, children. I told her about my vasectomy, and she freaked out. Said it was a deal breaker.”
“Sounds like a woman who knows her own mind, what she wants out of life. How is it you two are still dating?”
“I told her I’d consider a reversal if I met the right woman.”
“And you feel guilty you lied to her?”
“A little,” I say. “I’m usually very direct and honest, but I didn’t want her to leave.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t want to stop what we started.”
“Because you hadn’t slept with her?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then why?”
I shrug. I know it’s because I’m feeling something for this girl, but I’m uncomfortable enough feeling it. I don’t want to talk about it. “So about the rules . . .”
“What about them?”
“Can we change them some? A month is a long time not to be able to really touch her.”
“Okay, you may touch her with anything but your penis,” Dr. Lorraine says.
I start choking. This woman never ceases to surprise me with how direct she is. “Great.”
“I’m not finished,” she says.
This is bad. It’d been too easy.
“She may not touch you below the waist.”
“Wait, what?”
“If it’s unclear, I can give her a call—with your permission, of course.”
“But . . .”
“Your butt is below the waist, so not there, either.”
I can’t help it. I start to laugh. “This is ridiculous.”
“And I think I only need to see you once a week now,” Dr. Lorraine says.
“Guess I’m doing well.”
“Don’t strangle yourself with the slack I’m giving you.”
*
Things are good. With Dr. Lorraine easing up, I have more free time, which translates into seeing Sutton more. Come to think of it, we’ve seen each other every day the past few days, but today isn’t going to be good. It’s Annie’s last day. I’ve seen her almost every day of my life as far back as I can remember. But that’s all ending.
Annie starts to gather her things, a picture, a plant, the sweater she leaves on the back of her chair, then places her keys down on her desk. Something about the way she’s slowly moving feels too final. She’s got no long-term plan. She’s visiting Tawny in New York, but nothing beyond that—no place to live, no job. I know she’s got money saved up. I pay her well, but how long can that last? I’ve offered to help, but she’s refused. I can’t control what she does, but thinking about her alone makes the hair on my neck stand up. I step into the doorway between our offices.
“The aquarium fundraiser tickets are on your desk. Make sure you remember your dentist appointment on the twelfth and the meeting with the festival people on the fourteenth. And don’t forget that your . . .”
“Annie,” I say, pulling her into a hug. She squeezes me tightly. “I can’t believe you’re really leaving.”
She looks up at me. “My work here is done.”
“I love you,” I say. “You know that, right?”
She nods. “That’s the part of this that hurts because I love you, too.” When she pulls back, all her emotions go with her, sucked back inside like a vacuum. “You need to focus on Sutton. You’re falling in love with her.”
Am I falling in love? Even if that’s true, it’s not the point.
“Is that why you’re leaving?” I ask.
“No,” she says. “I just . . .” She doesn’t finish her thought. Instead, she shakes her head like she’s shaking away some lingering doubt. “You have the key to the storage unit that has all my paintings, right?” I pat my pocket, letting her know I do. “Those are yours now.”
“No, Annie! I can’t take those. That’s your life’s work in there!”
She strokes my cheek and my hair. “I want you to have them. Mostly, they’re our story, anyway. I even kept the one we made as kids, when we covered ourselves in paint and rolled on the canvas, remember that?” she asks, and I nod. “I have them sorted by date from beginning to end. When you see them, you’ll understand.”
Something about this feels very wrong. There’s too much history between us for her to just up and leave so quickly. Who does that? I can’t put my finger on it. I know she’s been struggling lately. Maybe this is the change she needs. “Anything else?” I ask.
She takes my hand, pulling me down onto the sofa in my office. “I do need one last thing. I need to talk about that night.”
“Annie, I don’t want to use the last few minutes before you leave talking about the biggest mistake in my life.”
“But it wasn’t your mistake,” she says. “It was mine.”
“We’ve been over this. We were fifteen and drinking.”
Her head shakes. “We both know who the wild one was back then. We both know I pushed you into it.”
“You have to stop this. If you keep dwelling on it, Tawny’s going to find out. She can never know. We agreed.”
“It’s just Vicki. I hate her so much. I hate that Tawny grew up with her. I fucking hate it!” she says, her hands clenched in tight fists.
“I hate her just as much as you do.”
“Probably more,” Annie whispers. “There’s something about that night. Something I never told you.”
“I was drunk off my ass, but I know . . .”
“What do you remember about that night?” she asks.
“My dad just got back from some tour. I was glad he was back. Even though we didn’t get along, being alone with Vicki was worse. He was throwing a big party.”
“You called me to come over.”
“Right. I hated those parties.”
“You were such a square,” she teases. “But I loved to party back then. I brought the party to your room.”
“I remember,” I say, laughing. “You walked in my room with your arms full of snacks, a bottle of whiskey. And I seem to recall you trying to get me to play strip poker.”
“What else do you remember?” she asks.
“Enough to know what I did.”
“That’s the thing. You didn’t know what you were doing. The brownies and Rice Krispies treats were made with drugs. Do you remember that part?”
“Yeah, we only realized it after I ate the damn things.”
Annie suddenly breaks down, sobbing until tears and snot are running down her face, unable to catch her breath. I try to comfort her, but it’s no use. “I’m so sorry, Pierce. You have no idea. I wish I could take it all back. Everything that happened. I’m so sorry.”
“Annie?”
She looks up at me. “I liked you. Really liked you, but you were so shy and going through all that stuff with your family. I thought if I loosened you up, then you’d finally make a move. Everything that happened is my fault,” she whispers. “I’m the reason.”
“We’ve been over this. I drank. I ate the shit. I don’t know what any of this has to do with anything now.”
“Please, Pierce,” she begs. “The guilt is killing me.”
“You have to stop this.”
“There’s something about that night. Something else you need to know.”
“I know enough. I don’t want to know anymore. Why bring this up now? After all this time?”
“Because I see you have a real shot to be happy with Sutton, but only if we deal with what happened.”
“We? You’re fucking leaving,” I bark.
“Pierce, please,” she cries, reaching for my hand.
“Apparently, you just needed to unload on me one last time,” I say and pull away from her. “Dump all this shit in my lap, then bolt.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but that’s not true!”
“It is true. And I shouldn’t be surprised. You left me alone that night! Remember that, Annie? Well, this time you can stay gone!”