CHAPTER FORTY
Placing a pillow underneath her feet on the sofa in my den, I smile. Sutton’s out like a light, and it’s not even dinnertime. The funeral and battling with my old ghosts wore her out. Staring down at her, I gently play with a strand of her hair. Annie was right about Sutton. She is the strongest person I know. She has to be to handle this shit.
Her words from the cemetery float in my head—victim, rape, innocent, fault, power, control. Everything she said made sense to my rational brain, but I can’t change what I feel. Everyone believes we think with our heads, but what our heart believes is more powerful than what our head knows. And my heart is intimately acquainted with shame, regret, guilt, and embarrassment.
“Mom’s coming to pick me up in a few minutes,” Tawny whispers, peeking her head into the den.
It’s never a good time to have to see Vicki, but she’s occupied too much of the conversation today already. I step toward Tawny. “You know you can stay,” I say softly. “Sutton and I love having you here.”
“I know,” she says. “But I can’t hide out here forever.”
Hugging her, I ask, “You got your stuff ready to go?”
The smirk on her face lets me know she’s not done one thing to get ready to go back to Vicki’s. She doesn’t have a ton of stuff here, but it tends to spread out all over the place. Just one of many special gifts bestowed upon teenage girls.
Heading up the stairs, we start our walkthrough. I swear, she has a hair tie and a lip balm in every room. She tosses stuff in her bag as we go. When the doorbell rings, we haven’t even made it to the bathroom yet. I tell Tawny to finish up, then I rush downstairs to get the door before it wakes Sutton.
My foot doesn’t hit the bottom step before I find Sutton at the front door, toe-to-toe with Vicki. I’ve had years of practicing how to act. From the morning after, when she showed up at my bedroom door with Annie’s parents, to every family meal since, I’ve perfected the art of dealing with that woman.
I do it for my sister. Sutton doesn’t have that same motivation.
Lies and secrets are fragile. All the players have to know that, but I sense Sutton doesn’t want any part of our game.
Neither one of them even seems to notice my presence. Then the sound of Sutton’s hand on Vicki’s face echoes through the house.
I can’t believe Sutton would do that. Granted, if the roles were reversed, I’d do much worse. Still, I don’t need her to take up my battle.
“I’m calling the police,” Vicki says, holding her face.
“Go ahead,” Sutton says, leaning in like she’s ready to bitch slap her again. “I’ve got a rape to report.”
That word freezes me. Vicki’s eyes fly to me. She starts laughing. “Is that what he told you happened?”
“No, that’s not what he told me. Because you did a really good job on him. Perfect, even. He blames himself. Just like I’m sure you wanted, you sick, twisted bitch!”
“I suggest you get her under control,” Vicki says to me.
“Sutton,” I beg.
“Not until she admits what she did,” Sutton cries.
“Go wait in the den,” I say, placing one hand on her back and one on her belly, a gentle reminder that she needs to protect our baby, not me. Just when I think Sutton’s going to do what I ask, Vicki chimes in.
“Pierce and I have an understanding,” Vicki says.
“You use Tawny against him,” Sutton bites out, shoving me away. “You know he won’t do anything to hurt her. You exploit his love for her to get money from him, to keep secrets.”
Vicki’s eyes catch mine over Sutton’s shoulder. Sutton turns to me, and I recognize the look in her eyes. She’s about to go full throttle on Vicki. I have to put an end to this. Tawny’s upstairs and could overhear, and Sutton’s carrying my unborn child. This isn’t good for either one of them. Pulling her close, I say, “I don’t want you around this shit.”
“I’m not a fifteen-year-old boy,” Sutton says, refusing to budge. “She won’t hurt me.”
“Sutton, I don’t need you to . . .”
“Yes, you do,” she says. “This is exactly what you need. Someone to finally protect you.”
My mind flashes to Annie, all the years she hung around to watch out for me. Don’t these crazy women know it’s my job to take care of them? If only I’d known what Vicki did to Annie, how she used her, maybe I could’ve helped her. But I’ll be damned if Vicki says or does one thing to hurt Sutton or our child.
I turn back to Vicki. “Tawny’s almost sixteen. Soon, she can drive herself over to visit. No more money. No more help. Don’t come back over here. You’re done in my life. If I catch you anywhere near me or Sutton, you’ll regret it. You understand me?”
Annie’s up in heaven having a field day. No severance package for Vicki.
“This is ridiculous,” Vicki says with a laugh. “We both know you won’t let Tawny go without.”
“Then maybe Tawny needs the truth,” Sutton says, determined to fight this battle with me. I reach out, grabbing her waist.
“Sutton, you can’t do that,” I warn.
She turns her cold eyes right to Vicki. “Try me!”
“Mom,” Tawny says, looking at all our faces. “Everything alright?”
Vicki holds her arms open, encouraging Tawny to come to her. Seeing her do that makes my skin crawl. Vicki takes one more glance at Sutton, everything about her from her determined eyes to her rigid posture seemingly ready to share all our dirty laundry.
Vicki pushes out a smile, saying, “Everything’s fine, honey. We were just talking about how you’ll be driving soon and will be able to see your brother whenever you want.”
Sutton gives Vicki a nod that she’s made the right choice. With that, Vicki, Sutton, and I all know we won’t be seeing each other again for a long time. Our secrets will continue to live only between us. I hate that Sutton is part of our secrets, but am grateful the secrets will remain just that.
Tawny hugs Sutton and me goodbye. When the door closes behind them, Sutton leans her head against it, and a few tears roll down her face, dropping to the floor.
The weight of my secrets now her burden, a burden that already took the life of one woman I loved. “This is what it feels like to hate someone,” Sutton says.
Gently, I stroke her back. “This isn’t your fight.”
She turns to me. “Yes, it is. That’s what love is. Your hopes and dreams become mine, and mine yours. Your fears and fights become my battles.”
I throw up my hands and turn away. “I’m done talking about this now.” I’ve gone for over a decade avoiding this topic, and now it seems this is all we talk about. Granted, it’s only been a day, but I’ve had my fill already.
“I would never tell Tawny,” Sutton says, reaching out for me. “I promise you. But I wanted Vicki to think I would. She needed to know she’s not in control anymore.” She slides her arms around my waist, kissing my shoulder. “I think you should tell Tawny. I think we need to talk about this, but I know all that has to be in your control.”
Turning around and holding her eyes, I say, “I don’t want this to take over us. I can’t have this be all we talk about.”
“And I can’t have you believing you are to blame.” She takes my face in her hands. “I know Annie didn’t believe that.” I take a deep breath, my frustration surely evident to her. Rolling her eyes, she says, “Okay, what do you want to talk about instead?”
I coil my arms around her waist. “You marrying me.”