Kevin
I didn’t have any desire to do it like this, but there wasn’t much of a choice. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to move out or that I didn’t want to live with Jeremy. Because that’s what I yearned for more than anything…for us to be together and not have to worry about denying it. I didn’t picture leaving like this—with the threat of abuse charges hanging over our heads and the desperate feeling of needing to leave before my parents got back.
I’m not sure how I thought leaving would be, but this wasn’t it. I’d always pictured school and our apartment and living with Jeremy but never the actual leaving part. Maybe that’s why Jeremy was so worked up; he’d been planning this for a lot longer, and he’d always realized how bad this part could get.
But there was no way he could have imagined the stuff with the therapist or the crazy crap my parents were telling him. Jeremy was a planner, and having all this thrown at him was probably harder on him than it was on me. After my meltdown in the car, I felt much better, but Jeremy hadn’t had that chance.
As long as we made it through the next couple of hours without major shit hitting the fan, I was going to make sure he got his chance to have his meltdown. Or some kind of stress relief at the very least.
And that got me all horny again.
Jeremy must have seen something on my face ’cause he gave me this weird look and kind of gave me that What? expression. I decided he needed a distraction so I teased, “Just thinking about what kind of stress relief you should get later…like when we’re alone tonight.”
He nearly swallowed his tongue, so it was worth it, even if it still felt weird to tease him about things like that. I’d had so many naughty thoughts running through my head for so long that I hadn’t been able to say, and it felt crazy to be able to do it.
There was still that feeling of waiting to wake up and see that reality hadn’t changed. But until I woke up, I was going to make use of every minute. If that meant telling him all the erotic and teasing things that went through my head—so be it.
I reached for Jeremy’s hand and pulled him the rest of the way to the door. My little pep talk reminded me that we needed to get our asses in gear and get the hell out of here before my parents came home. Making use of every minute meant that I wasn’t going to let us waste time.
We let ourselves into the house, and Jeremy started listing off instructions. My first order was to go get some garbage bags from the kitchen. Jeremy had guessed right off the bat that my parents weren’t going to let us take their suitcases out the door, so trash bags made the most sense. We’d both agreed new suitcases would be a waste of money too because it was going to be a long time before we would need them again.
While I got the bags and started packing up our clothes, Jeremy took our backpacks and started gathering up all the little things we wanted to take with us. Stuff we’d bought over the last year and that we would need for the apartment. Radios, my tablet, his computer…stuff like that. We’d bought as much of our own stuff the past year as we could. Even before the whole college plan, we’d known living at home for much longer wasn’t going to be a good idea.
I’d already taken our clothes out to the car, and we were working on packing up some books and the last of the stuff in our room when I heard the front door close. The door didn’t slam, but the sound seemed to echo through the house. It was like one of Jeremy’s movies where you know the monster is downstairs but the main character is trying to pretend it can’t be the monster.
I didn’t want my parents to be the monster.
We don’t always get what we want, though. I was lucky enough to get Jeremy; I wasn’t going to complain that I didn’t get everything. I was never going to regret choosing him over them. There was never an option. He was always my real everything.
Jeremy must have felt my panic because he leaned over, ran his hand down my face, and whispered, “Don’t stop packing, Baby. We’re almost done.”
There were no footsteps on the stairs, and I still wasn’t sure who was home, but I kept packing. My nerves were going back and forth between excited and scared. I pushed away the disappointment and sadness trying to take over. Parents were supposed to love you no matter what. Ours hadn’t loved us for years. Not real love anyway.
Had they always been like this? Were they always more concerned with how things looked and being obeyed? I didn’t know anymore. When I was younger, things were black and white. I would have said, of course, my parents loved me because that’s what parents did. Now I wasn’t so sure.
We finished packing up and walked over to the door. We’d closed it mostly out of habit, and now we stood there and looked at it. I wasn’t sure what we were waiting for, but I didn’t want to open the door either. Well, part of me wanted to open it. The part that was ready to love Jeremy and start living our life wanted to fling it open and run down the stairs.
The bigger part of me wanted to hide under the bed. So much was changing in such a short period. Just days ago, I had weeks to go before we left for school and I had no idea how to tell Jeremy how I felt. Now we were leaving and I’d had my first kiss. And my first hand job. By Jeremy!
That part still made it hard to breathe when I thought of it. It was going to be a long time before the fact that I could kiss him and touch him became normal. But I was kind of hoping it never became just part of everyday life. I liked that it took my breath away when he touched me and that my heart wanted to jump out of my chest when he gave me that look like he wanted to devour me.
I’d take normal and everyday if it meant I would have him forever. If it meant he always looked at me like I was the most important thing in his life. If I got to tell him every day how much I loved him and how incredible he was. If I got to hold him every night and show him what he meant to me.
We were both stalling at this point. Maybe for different reasons, but probably not. I don’t know how long I would have stood there unable to open the door, but Jeremy wasn’t going to let us put it off forever. He seemed to understand I needed a little push.
He reached for the door, but before he turned the knob, he looked over at me and smiled. It was a grin full of naughty promises and love. He leaned over and gave me a quick peck. “Love you, Baby.”
The kiss was over too fast, but it made me want to get him alone. Probably what he was trying for.
“Time to brave the dragons.”
I laughed because he was right. That’s how it felt. “Yup. You want to guess which dragon?”
“No, let’s be surprised.” He was trying to keep things light, but I could see the fear and stress in his eyes. It made me feel better and worse at the same time. Knowing he was just as worried was weirdly comforting. But when your brave knight was worried the dragon might really eat you, things were bad.
I’d been watching too many of Jeremy’s old movies.
Jeremy turned the knob, and we walked out into the hall. With our backpacks on and the box of books in Jeremy’s hands, we moved quietly down the stairs. Not knowing who was home was making me crazy. Was it possible we just hadn’t closed the door all the way and it was the wind pulling the door shut? I wasn’t sure if I was hoping for that or not.
I shouldn’t want to see them after what they’d tried to do to Jeremy. I shouldn’t want to see them after what they’d tried to do to me. I didn’t want to be separated from him. Not when we’d finally been honest with each other. But they were my parents. Even if they didn’t understand what that was supposed to mean.
As we reached the bottom of the stairs, Jeremy looked back at me, and I could tell he had guessed some of what was going through my head. I felt disloyal to him. He seemed to understand, though, because he just gave me a tender look and spoke in a low voice. “It will be okay, Baby. I promise.”
“I know.” I wasn’t sure what else to say. I knew we’d be okay, but I also knew this was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Walking out of here and knowing we wouldn’t be back was even more difficult than the decision to let Jeremy know how I felt for him. At least with that, I’d had hope it would turn out okay. With my parents, I knew there wasn’t any. We were trying to guess how bad it would get.
We walked to the front door, and I’d almost convinced myself there wasn’t anyone else home when I heard someone cough and clear their throat. Shit. Dad was home, but I guess that was better than my mother being there.
I looked over at Jeremy. What were we supposed to do? Did we ignore him and keep heading for the door, or were we supposed to stop and talk to him? From the look on Jeremy’s face, he was torn too. He kept glancing back and forth between the door and the living room.
There was no way Dad could see the door, but that fake cough made it obvious he knew we were there. Did he know we were leaving, or was it something else? Did he want to talk, or was this going to be another conversation where they told me how disappointed they were and that I was supposed to be doing things differently? I didn’t want my last conversation with him to be like that.
“Boys, come into the living room for a moment, please.”
He took the decision right out of our hands. He sounded sad and resigned; there was no way we could walk away without understanding what he wanted first. I hoped we didn’t regret it. Jeremy sighed and turned toward the living room.
“Are you sure?” I whispered it quietly enough that I didn’t think Dad could hear.
“No, but I know we’ll regret it if we don’t see what he wants.”
I knew Jeremy meant that I would regret it, and he was right. If I walked out now I would always wonder what might have happened. I also knew it wasn’t the best thing I could have done right then. We needed to get going before Mom got home, and I needed to suck it up and realize they weren’t going to accept us.
Learning to put “us” first and saying to hell with anyone else was going to be hard.
“Should we leave the box and stuff out here?” Was being obvious about leaving the best idea? I wasn’t sure anymore. Working everything out with Jeremy and packing up our stuff took the last of my strength. I wanted to climb under the covers and hide for a while. Preferably with Jeremy right there beside me. Well, a naked Jeremy right there beside me.
“There’s no reason. He’s going to find out.”
The fantasy of being naked in bed with Jeremy was so vivid I’d almost forgotten what I’d asked him. Giving my brain a bit of a shake to get it back on track, I had to agree with Jeremy. Hopefully, he was right. “Okay.”
Jeremy must have guessed I was distracted. “You okay?”
I gave him a bit of a lopsided smirk and tried to look more confident than I was feeling. “Of course. We’re going to be fine.”
We were. I knew that. We just had to get through this…interrogation? Discussion? Lecture? All of the above, probably. But once we got out of the house and left here, everything was going to change. No more hiding. No more denying what we wanted. No more concealing my desires for him.
I was going to get to touch him as much as I wanted. The idea made me light-headed. The thought of Jeremy touching me as much as he wanted made me almost dizzy.
Stress. It had to be the stress making my mind wander like crazy. I just needed to keep myself under control for a few more minutes. Shouldn’t I feel better after my mental breakdown in the car? Probably. I felt more confident about a lot of things, but leaving here was still huge.
I wanted Jeremy to put the box down and hold me. Even touching my hand would make me feel better, but that probably wasn’t the best idea. Rubbing it in Dad’s face why we were leaving might make things even worse. And if Jeremy put the box down, if things went bad, we might not have time to get it if we had to get out of the house fast.
Thinking like that felt wrong, but with everything they’d done, I wasn’t sure what they were capable of. I’d known they weren’t going to like what I wanted, but I never expected they would make up shit like that just to force us to behave and toe the line.
The walk from the front hallway to the living room was probably only like twenty feet, tops, but it felt like a million. No matter how slow I walked, it wasn’t going to get any farther away, so even at a turtle’s pace it only took seconds to get to the door.
Jeremy paused in the doorway, and some of the stress in his shoulders faded, whatever my dad was doing, it couldn’t be too bad. Walking in first, Jeremy led us a little ways into the room before stopping behind a set of matching overstuffed leather chairs.
Dad was sitting on the couch, leaning back, staring up at the ceiling. He was alone, and the confirmation that my mother wasn’t with him had my own stress levels falling. Nothing in his body said “fight” or “argument”—if anything, he looked sad.
I wasn’t sure what to do; I stood behind one of the chairs and watched. My gaze kept going back and forth between Jeremy and Dad, and I couldn’t decide who was going to talk first. Dad must have realized Jeremy wasn’t going to say anything because he sighed and seemed to be trying to figure out what to do.
He rubbed his hands over his face and then looked over at us. “I don’t know how we got to this point. You’re leaving.”
It was more of a statement, but the way he said it had me nodding like he’d asked a question. Jeremy looked down at the box in his hands and had this kind of duh expression on his face. Jeremy was done with all this shit, and I didn’t blame him. What they’d said about him had to hurt. Just seeing it on the paper had been bad enough, but he was the one they’d lied about. To him, it had to be devastating.
There was no point in responding to Dad’s other statement because reminding him we were there because his wife was bat shit crazy didn’t seem like a good idea.
“I’m sorry you boys feel you have to leave.”
It sounded like he was talking to a stranger. “I’m sorry your experience with our company was unsatisfactory.”
Jeremy shrugged and this time responded quietly. “It’s time.”
And necessary, duh. I was smart enough to keep my wiseass replies to myself. Definitely wouldn’t help anything. I had to keep reminding myself of that. Like over and over because my filter seemed to have been lost somewhere in my meltdown.
“She doesn’t understand why you’ve made these choices.”
I wasn’t sure if he meant the whole gay thing or us wanting to be together. It didn’t matter which he was talking about. One I couldn’t change, and one I wasn’t going to. I’d waited so long to find out if Jeremy felt the same way I did, and nothing they could do was going to stop me.
Shaking his head again, Jeremy looked resigned. “Neither are choices. They’re who we are.”
Wanting me was who he was. It felt powerful…like one of those moments you’d remember forever.
Dad shook his head like he didn’t believe it, and he probably didn’t. Their views on things were so narrow they didn’t have the ability to see things from a different perspective. The anger I hadn't realized I’d been hanging on to started to fade. It was kind of sad.
Their own limitations on what love was supposed to look like were going to cost them their children. You didn’t have to understand someone’s choice to love them. You had to accept it. And my parents were incapable of doing that.
Finally realizing that freed something in me. There was never anything I could have done. This had always been inevitable. Whether it was because I was gay or because I chose a career they didn’t like, something was going to have pushed me to this point eventually.
It was going to take a long time to move on from leaving like this, but I was ready.
I reached out and touched Jeremy’s arm. He’d been resting the box on the back of the chair, and he jumped a bit when my hand touched him. “Let’s go. This isn’t going to change anything.”
He gave me a skeptical look like he wasn’t sure I meant it. I could see why he thought I needed the closure, and a few minutes ago, I completely agreed with him, but not anymore. I had everything I needed. Him.
There was nothing left here for me.
“I’m sure. Let’s go.”
“Okay.” It was easy to see he was dying to reach out and touch me, but there would be time later.
I gave him a little nod and a smile I hoped let him know how much I appreciated his concern. I also wanted him to see how badly I needed the touch he wanted to give me. It was going to take time to get comfortable being physical with each other. And even longer before we figured out where we would be comfortable showing that love.
It looked like he understood what I was trying to tell him because his smile got brighter, and for a minute, a naughty look flashed through his eyes. But it was gone, and his face was back under control when he looked over at my father.
“We’re going to go.”
My father sat there and shook his head. There was genuine confusion on his face, but he didn’t make any effort to stop us or even try to ask any questions. I would have asked why. I would have needed to know how it happened. I wouldn’t think it would be nosy either. I’d need to understand what made them make that kind of choice.
I felt lighter as we turned and walked toward the front door again. When we’d first started to leave, my body had felt heavy—like walking out was a decision that would weigh on me, but now there was a totally different feeling.
This time I felt free. Weightless. There was no misplaced guilt or what ifs holding me back. We were making the right decision. The only decision, probably, but it was the best thing for us. No more second-guessing, and no more putting other people’s fears as more important than my own needs.