Jeremy
“I know you’ve put a lot of time and effort into your plans, but it’s still frustrating to see you go. Personal feelings aside because I do consider you a friend, you’ve been such an asset to the company that I’m selfishly hoping you’re going to change your mind.”
Leaning against my little desk, which was squished back in a corner that used to be part of the copy room, my boss should have looked out of place, but he didn’t. Jackson Williams was the kind of man who looked comfortable and at home wherever he was. Maybe it was because it was such a small company but even when I first started working there, he’d come across as a nice guy.
I was torn between being flattered and being overwhelmed with guilt. I loved working at J. Williams Design, but my plan only worked if Kevin and I got the hell out of dodge. Staying here would change everything. I’d always be grateful to everything Jackson had done for me, but I wasn’t willing to throw away the future I’d been planning for so long for anyone.
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, sir. But school is too far from here to commute.” I laughed, trying to keep things light.
He had no idea how much time and effort had gone into my arrangements. Every piece had been outlined in neurotic detail. I’m not sure Kevin understood how much crazy planning had gone into it. I wasn’t going to tell anyone either; I’d probably look nuts if I did. And with everything against us, I didn’t need anyone questioning my sanity.
When I’d started thinking about Kevin and I being together, one thing after another that could keep us apart kept popping up in my head. There were so many obstacles in our way that anybody else probably would have given up. But I’m a planner.
Some people might call it crazy, but looking at everything that might go wrong and at every eventuality made things easier. If you’d already calculated for the bad things that might happen, then when something came up, it wasn’t as frightening.
The first thing I’d started looking at when Kevin said he didn’t want to stay and go to the junior college was where we should go to school. I’d known right away that even if nothing more ever developed between us, we couldn’t stay with or even near my parents much longer.
They were too judgmental and too suspicious. No matter what we did, they were always going to see us as weird. I’d moved past being bothered by shit like that, but Kevin wouldn’t be happy always having to see their disapproval. Two more years at home with them alone and I was afraid of what he’d do.
I didn’t know exactly what would happen if he stayed, but the stories in my head grew darker and more disturbing every time I thought about it. For sanity’s sake, I pushed it out of my mind. It was one of those things, like Kevin dating other people, that I tried not to think about. But I was starting to get the feeling that him dating someone else was a fear that would never become a reality.
It was exciting and kinda scary.
The way things were going between us, I was glad I’d been organizing like crazy for the past couple of months. It was getting harder and harder to look at what he was doing and only see a brother. Between what happened in bed the other night and how he’d been looking at me lately, there was more to his emotions than just brotherly love.
And it wasn’t wishful thinking either.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized he’d been trying to show me what he wanted the other night. Kevin wasn’t always the best at saying what he wanted or what he needed, but his actions were always incredibly clear. At least, they usually were to me.
I’d been so surprised with the towel and the whole naked thing that it had taken me entirely too long to see what he’d been trying to communicate. I’d heard plenty of other guys say that when a pretty girl walked by half-naked their brains stopped working. I’d never had the problem before because I’d had so many other things on my mind, but now I had a better idea about what they’d been talking about. Kevin in swimming trunks didn’t have quite the same reaction, but him naked—that had been mind-blowing.
The fact that it took me almost two days before I could see what he’d been trying to show me shouldn’t have surprised me. In my defense, that horrible disaster of a dinner with my parents was kind of a distraction too. Now I had to decide what I was going to do about both.
It was easier to make concrete plans about my parents. When I’d gotten to work this morning, I’d made a couple of phone calls right away. I’d originally decided we should stay here for a few more weeks and get to school right before classes started.
Part of my reasoning was because I hadn’t wanted to give my parents enough time to figure out a way to ruin things. And part of it was that I’d wanted to save our money for as long as possible. But if they already knew, that didn’t matter anymore. Besides, we had enough savings built up to be fine until the scholarship money came.
When I’d first started figuring out what I wanted—a real relationship with Kevin—the pitfalls and problems were easy to spot. The biggest issue was what other people would say. I didn’t need approval from strangers, or even my family for that matter, but I knew that with a regular job it would be impossible to hide who I loved for long. At that point, getting fired would be a real risk.
In my fantasy world where Kevin and I lived together and were a couple, I’d seen right off the bat I wouldn’t be able to conceal what I felt for him. It was hard enough keeping it to myself when we were living at home and not technically doing anything wrong. But if we were doing things…doing things that would make it almost impossible to hide what I was feeling about him…I knew I wouldn’t be able to disguise my emotions for long.
And it wasn’t like I could keep him a secret and never bring him around. Kevin wouldn’t be able to take being hidden. I love you, but not enough to be seen with you in public, would kill him. Or kill his love for me. I’d had to come up with a career path that would give us the flexibility we would need. One where I could work from home or remotely where I wouldn’t have to interact much with co-workers. One where people wouldn’t see how much my boyfriend and I looked alike.
Graphic design turned out to be the best option. In high school, I’d gotten the chance to work as a kind of gofer for the company. They’d been looking for a teenager to run errands and help out doing simple stuff around the office. I’d done everything from filing to walking the owner’s cocker spaniel. I hadn’t learned anything about the business that year, but it’d let me get my foot in the door with the company, and they saw I was polite and a hard worker.
I’d been desperate, not the perfect kid they thought I was. Between sports, school, and work I’d been a total zombie, but there had been nothing I could do about it. I had to get good grades, and if I’d have quit sports that would have raised some crazy questions. Money was also an issue. Things with my parents had been rocky for years, so I’d known how important it was to have some savings.
Once I started college, they’d offered to start teaching me about the company. Turned out I had a knack for it. When I saw how easy it would be to start my own business or to work freelance for other companies, I’d known it would be perfect. The fact that I enjoyed it was a lucky break, but I would have done it even if it was boring.
It should have been upsetting to go, but with everything that was happening, leaving felt like a relief. Sure, I’d miss the people I worked with, but I was going to get the chance to freelance with them on some upcoming projects. Besides, I could use the break.
Having a few weeks off with nothing to worry about but my relationship with Kevin sounded incredible. Because right now, all I could think about was Kevin. Kevin wet and naked from the shower…Kevin cuddling up to me in bed…Kevin who was at that stupid therapist’s office again.
He wasn’t supposed to go back for another week, but after the explosion at dinner, we’d been told Kevin’s appointment had been moved up. My mom’s eyes were flashing and her calm façade was fading fast when she told him he was to answer the therapist’s questions and do what he was told. The or else was left unsaid, but I could see it on her face.
We had to get the hell out of here. Fast.
When I called the management company for the apartment, they said that the unit we were going to be getting wasn’t available for a few more weeks, but they had a different one in the same building that was available right away. They were going to be faxing me the paperwork, and Kevin and I would have our new place by this afternoon.
“It’s disappointing you weren’t able to find a scholarship closer,” he paused and gave me a knowing look, “but at least you’ll still be able to work with us while you’re at school. With technology these days, you can work from just about anywhere in this kind of business.”
My boss was disappointed that I was leaving sooner than I’d planned, but he was a good guy, and I think he’d guessed how bad things were with my parents. He didn’t know the details, but he was a gay guy in his early forties; I think he kinda understood it had something to do with Kevin’s or my sexuality. I didn’t confirm or deny it, and he never asked. He just helped me out the best he could and gave me a ton of business and real-life advice.
“I’m looking forward to it.”
If he thought we were going to be forced to leave once my parents discovered one of us was gay, he wasn’t wrong—he just didn’t know the whole story. They were going to lose their shit when they realized we were gay. Hell, they might have even done it just for that, but what I knew would get us kicked out, or worse, was when they had proof something was up.
Two gay brothers in bed together, as close as we were, would be all the proof they needed. It wouldn’t matter what the truth was or how much I loved him. The only thing that would be important was how it looked. What the neighbors would think…what people at work would think…how could we do that to them? It wouldn’t be about us or about what we wanted—it would be about them.
Jackson shifted like he was getting ready to walk away, but then he leaned back against the wall and started in on his list of reminders. He went through everything from paying bills and building up savings, to signing up for health insurance at school. It was a constant stream of information that had started a few weeks ago. Once I’d explained what my plans were and when I was going to have to quit, he’d switched from boss/friend mode to desperate teacher mode.
He reminded me a lot of a teacher who was worried they hadn’t taught enough in the regular lessons, so they crammed in all kinds of crazy information during the last day before the test. It was funny in an overprotective parent kind of way. I’d never had anyone in my life quite like him, and I was going to miss him. It was nice having someone who cared.