Kevin
“We received a very troubling phone call from Dr. Hamilton yesterday.” She said it calmly, but it had the feel of a queen just before she announced, “Off with his head.” I almost laughed because I got a picture in my mind of that card queen running around playing the kid’s game with the big hammers.
“Um, yeah?” Not a great answer, but at least I hadn’t laughed.
I’d gone to the appointment and hadn’t been too rude. What else did they expect? I’d thought when they’d gone on their date night without saying anything that Dr. Hamilton had done the right thing and kept his mouth shut. No such luck. Wasn’t he supposed to keep our stuff private?
Sitting down to dinner with my parents was always like going to war. Or like sitting in debate class with kids who had opposing political views. But only this time, there was no teacher to referee. Things started out nice, but they always went to hell really fast.
I was never sure what to say when she was like this, so usually I tried to talk as little as possible. I had a feeling that wasn’t going to work today. She had that look—like she was going to go postal and take us all with her.
“Would you care to explain to your father and I why you decided to waste the opportunity to talk to a professional about your…problems? We spent a great deal of time and money to find a therapist willing to work with your…difficulties. He is now under the impression you were there under duress.” She paused and gave me a stare that was supposed to convey how disappointed she was in me.
This was normally the point where I was supposed to apologize for whatever had upset her, and then we would move on…pretending everything was fine. I wasn’t sure I could do it this time. I wasn’t going to ask for forgiveness for telling the truth. I had been made to go, and I wasn’t going to talk to him about the nightmares.
Even if I’d been considering talking to him—which I hadn’t—him talking to my parents would have shut down that idea. There’s no way I could talk to anyone who was going to tattle on me. What was he, twelve?
“I thought those meetings were supposed to be confidential?” I should have kept my mouth shut. I know that. I’m not sure why I picked now to start making stupid decisions.
I could tell right away Jeremy wasn’t sure what was going on either. We talked about the need to keep a low profile over the summer till we could leave for school, but that was getting harder and harder. The therapist might be the final straw.
“Well!” She looked at me, and I knew it was supposed to be hurt and shock but she didn’t quite manage it. Or maybe I didn’t believe it anymore. “We told him you wanted us to know what was going on. We are your parents after all. Were we wrong about that? Have you decided hiding things from us is acceptable behavior?”
That was a loaded question. There was something in her eyes that screamed, “Warning! Warning!” She had the same look of cool detachment she always wore, but I could see she was mad about something this time. This wasn’t about me embarrassing them in front of the therapist.
“I just asked a question.” Okay, not the smartest response—and the sarcastic tone in my voice didn’t help anything, but sometimes my brain remembered I was a teenager and I couldn’t help it.
Jeremy’s eyes were bugging out of his head and I could tell he was wondering what the hell was going on with me. Between my smartass responses now and what I’d done last night, he was probably wondering when the pod people had invaded my body.
That brought my thoughts back to the night before. Fighting at the table wasn’t the right place to daydream about how it’d felt to be held like that, but I couldn’t help it. I know Jeremy had been hurt yesterday when I’d pushed him away, but I’d gone back and forth all afternoon about what I should do, and I needed some space.
If we’d hung out like we usually did when our parents left, it would have been easier to change my mind. I didn’t want to ruin our relationship—I loved how close we were, but we couldn’t go on like this. But from Jeremy’s reaction last night, I hadn’t fucked up anything.
I’d nearly given myself an ulcer worrying about what he was going to do when I went into the room in just my towel. I’d imagined everything from horror—or worse, apathy—to lust so strong he jumped me right then. Okay, that one wasn’t the most likely to happen, but it was still hot to picture.
Reality had been better than I’d ever dreamed.
The look on his face had been priceless. His eyes had gotten so big I thought they would fall out of his head. He’d thought he was being so smooth and relaxed, but I’d slept with him every night. He wasn’t going to hide that much surprise from me. When I’d finally worked up the courage to drop the towel, Jeremy had nearly swallowed his tongue. I was never going to forget his expression.
There was such emotion there—the passion and love were etched into my memory forever. I almost threw myself at him right then, but I lacked the courage. I’d been so close. No guy would stare at someone like that unless there was more than friendship in his feelings. But how much more?
Was there a difference between desiring me and wanting me the same way I needed him? Could he find me hot without wishing for more? I didn’t think so, but the fear held me back enough that I hadn’t been able to push things as far as I’d wanted to go. But what we’d done had been incredible.
If Jeremy had been thinking, he would have remembered the mirror over the dresser.
He couldn’t see my face in the mirror—I’d checked like a thousand times yesterday—but I could see his. The way his eyes had widened and he’d licked his lips, I’d kinda felt like a big ice cream sundae he’d wanted to take a bite out of.
No one had ever looked at me like that. Like I was everything they wanted. When he’d reached down and adjusted his cock—I don’t think he realized he’d done it—I hadn’t been able to fight getting hard. Luckily, I’d gotten my underwear on before he could see how erect I was.
Not that I hadn’t given him a show. I hadn’t been able to resist pushing things once I’d realized how much of a reaction I could get out of him. Sticking my hand down my underwear had probably been taking the whole teasing thing too far, but the hard-on had made arranging things necessary. But, God, it had been worth it.
Cuddling up to him the way I’d dreamed of for so long had been incredible. Feeling his body wrapped around mine…his hands in my hair…God, it was hot. The only thing that could have made it better was if he would’ve been naked. In my fantasies, he never wore clothes. Maybe it was because he was always so careful to wear so many layers when we slept.
The sound of Jeremy coughing and an angry voice rising in volume pulled me out of my fantasy.
“Are you listening to me?”
My first thought was no but I managed to catch myself in time. “I’m sorry. I guess I got distracted.”
Please don’t ask by what, was all I could think. My brain wasn’t working well enough to come up with a good response. And God forbid I tell her the truth. Sorry Mother, I was fantasizing about teasing your son last night. Yeah, that wouldn’t go over very well. What would the neighbors think?
Shock and anger flashed across her face for a second, but she got it under control. Fury probably didn’t go with her outfit.
“Have you decided hiding things from us is acceptable behavior? I thought we’d raised you better than that.” She repeated the question, obviously not happy with my first response.
This was where I was supposed to deny hiding things and confess anything I might have done wrong, but I hadn’t fallen for this in years. Not since I’d started having feelings that had to be concealed from them. Nothing she could say would make me tell her what I was hiding from her; what could she be hinting at?
What did she know? It couldn’t be about me and Jeremy because aside from emotions, there wasn’t anything to confess—yet. I had high hopes that if things kept going like they had last night then I’d have lots to confess soon. But right now, except for some cuddling, there wasn’t anything she could discover.
I still wasn’t sure what to say. Denying things might make it worse because she obviously thought she’d caught me hiding something. What could it be? The only things I’d hidden from her were my feelings for Jeremy, my sexuality, college plans, what I wanted to do for the future.…Okay, maybe there were a lot of things I was keeping from her.
I tried for a response that wouldn’t get me in trouble. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
She shook her head and looked over at my father who was doing his best to blend into the furniture. This conversation was obviously not his idea, but then, he wasn’t as confrontational as she was. He was kind of a bury-his-head-in-the-ground type of man. From the look on her face, this was the part where he was supposed to say something, but he just cleared his throat and frowned at me.
“George, wasn’t there something you wanted to say?” She wasn’t going to let him get away with staying in the background this time. Looks like date night was fun.
“Um, well, it has come to our attention that…” His voice trailed off a bit, and before he could finish his sentence, Mom took over again.
“While your behavior at the therapist’s office was completely unacceptable and will be addressed, your comments have simply reinforced the fact that you have been keeping secrets from us. That is something that will not be tolerated.” Her voice shook with anger, but her face still had the calm façade that should have meant everything was fine.
What had she figured out?
Silence was the best choice because I had no idea what to deny or confess. There wasn’t anything we were hiding from her that I was willing to admit anyway. Everything we were keeping to ourselves would blow up in our faces if they found out.
“If that is the way you are going to respond…” She paused and held her hand out to my father. “George?”
He reached into the pocket of his suitcoat and took out an envelope. It was thick and white, and as he handed it over to my mother, I could just make out the green and gold lettering of the state university we’d been accepted into.
Shit.
I wasn’t sure what to say. As far as secrets went, this one wasn’t the worst they could have found out. But how in the hell had they gotten ahold of it?
She didn’t let me wonder for very long. “The University apologizes for not mailing this to the P.O. Box, but evidently, there are some papers that by law have to be mailed to a physical address.” She smiled, but it wasn’t a happy look. “Federal regulations and all.”
I knew it would be a sign of weakness, but I looked over at Jeremy anyway. I couldn’t help it. I just didn’t know what to do. He looked about as helpless as I felt, but it only lasted for a moment before a calm settled over him, and I knew I didn’t have anything to worry about. Jeremy would handle it.
“I just don’t know—”
Jeremy cut her off before she could finish. “Opening someone else’s mail is a federal offense if I’m not mistaken.”
It was random enough that it stopped her in her tracks. It was clear she didn’t know what to say. “I beg your pardon?”
“The mail.” Jeremy met her gaze and held his ground. “If I’m not mistaken, opening up someone else’s mail is a federal offense. Are you telling us that the University mailed you information on Kevin?”
I already knew the answer to that. We’d been very careful with what information we had provided to the school and with the scholarships, it had been pretty easy to make sure our parents had nothing to do with it. We were both over eighteen, legal adults.
“I’m his mother. Of course I have—”
“Actually, you don’t. I was very specific with the admissions office. You have nothing to do with his education any longer.”
I was in shock. With one sentence, Jeremy had thrown himself under the bus. Just to get me out of the hot seat, he’d turned everything around on himself. I wanted to say something, anything to help, but I didn’t know what to do. Everything I thought of would only make it worse.
“What do you mean? Why were you…what did you have to do with this?” Her eyes were flashing again, and I knew she was ready to explode.
“We made it very clear that what we wanted was for Kevin to come to school with me. It doesn’t make any sense for him to go to the junior college. His grades are excellent, and he has a full academic scholarship.”
“Your father and I already discussed this, and we felt it was best for him to stay home. You stayed home for the first two years; you can’t say it isn’t a perfectly acceptable school.”
She thought she had him with that, but Jeremy gave her a firm look and quietly responded, “We both know I had other reasons to stay home the last two years.”
He hadn’t said anything shocking. Jeremy could have meant the job, friends, lots of reasons, but she drew back like he’d hit her or something. What did she think he’d stayed home for? Did she think Jeremy had stayed home for him?
It had never occurred to me that Jeremy might abandon me. When other seniors had been talking about going away to school or joining the military, I’d never even thought Jeremy would do anything like that. I guess I’d been naïve, but I’d just been confident he’d always be there for me.
As he looked over at me now, I knew that for him, leaving me had never been an option. Mom must have seen something in his face too because she stared at him and seemed to be considering her options.
“I think this is probably a discussion for Kevin to have with his therapist. It is obvious he is not thinking things through. Between this and the nightmares, it is clear he’s more…traumatized than we realized.”
The look on her face sent shivers through my body. And the pause made me think she’d been going to say something else. Something worse.
Jeremy must have thought so too because his calm stare took on a stern look, and a hard glint entered his eyes. It had been years since I’d seen that look on his face. Four years, to be exact.