LAUREN

 

Having given up on my new start in life beginning with the cleaning of my childhood bedroom, I closed the door to the mess and made my way down the hall, following Morgan. I hadn’t bothered to get dressed and was wearing shorty-pyjamas that came from the late nineties. I hadn’t washed my hair since I arrived, and had barely washed my face. In fact, I think I may have had the colours of peanut M&Ms smudged across my chin.

But when I walked into the kitchen I didn’t think of any of that, because, when I rounded that corner, I found Tyler sitting at the kitchen table next to my mother with one of the family photo albums open.

“Tyler!” Morgan exclaimed, turning to look at me with wide eyes. “What a surprise to see you here.” Her hand snuck across the table and slapped the photo album shut. “Too far, Mum,” she muttered and shook her head, clasping the album under her arm. “No one should have to see those.”

I was stuck in the doorway, transfixed by the sight of him. Dressed in a dark t-shirt and jeans, he sat at the table, looking as beautiful as I'd ever seen him. My heart lurched. His dark hair hung loosely over his forehead instead of being swept back like he wore at work. And it was slightly damp. Flashes of Tyler in the shower, the water streaming over his naked body as he ran his hands through his hair, came to the fore of my mind. My heart began to race.

Tyler locked eyes with me. “Lauren.” Just the sound of my name on his lips had me fighting the urge to run to him, wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him like there was no tomorrow.

“Lauren,” my mother’s harsh tone cut through my thoughts. “Aren’t you at least going to say hello? Tyler’s come all this way to see you.”

“Hi.” My hand waved of its own accord. A tiny, pathetic wave. Cursed hand. Clearing my throat, I attempted to regain my composure, although I wasn’t sure it was possible dressed in pyjamas that were clearly too small for me.

“You could have at least got dressed,” Mother muttered as if reading my thoughts.

I tugged the hem of the shorts down a little. “I would have if I had known we had visitors,” I replied, taking the seat opposite Tyler. His eyes stuck on me like glue. I met them briefly but had to look away when my chest began to ache from the intensity of his gaze. He was searching my expression, trying to gain a sense of my thoughts. I didn’t want him to see, so I set my eyes on the table and slid part of the newspaper over so I would at least have something to look at.

Mother whipped the paper away. “Don’t be so rude, Lauren. This man has come all this way to see you, the least you can do is be polite.” The more she treated me like a child, the more I wanted to act like one, although I did resist the urge to give her the finger behind her back.

“It wasn’t far,” Tyler said to Mother, though I could still feel the heat of his gaze on me. “Could we perhaps go somewhere and have a conversation?”

My mind screamed. Conflicting thoughts battled for dominance. Yes. More than anything yes. Take me away. Give me privacy so I can lose myself in you. No. Stay away. I can’t be near you. I can’t inhale your scent, I can’t get close and not want you to touch me. 

“Well, away you go,” Mother flicked a tea-towel in my direction. “All he’s asking for is a conversation.”

Tyler removed his gaze, but only to throw a withering glance Mother’s way. “Please?” he said, though the word was ripped from his throat like it was torture for him to use it.

Without answering, I rose from the table and Tyler followed. We walked down the hallway and I opened the door to my small bedroom. “Sorry,” I said waving my hand over the mess. “I’m in the middle of something.”

Tyler blinked when he entered, his eyes adjusting to the dim light. “In the middle of a hurricane perhaps?” he asked.

I pushed some clothing off the bed and indicated for him to sit. The only problem was it left nowhere for me to sit except next to him, so I awkwardly folded my arms across my chest and leaned against the wall. He looked out of place perched on the edge of my single bed, staring at the posters and photos that covered my walls, faded and worn with age. After a few moments of silence, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and looked at me.

And there were those eyes again.

The ones I didn’t want to meet because I was afraid of the response they would elicit. I was afraid my body would betray my mind. I was afraid my mind would betray my body.

“How have you been?” he asked.

“Wonderful,” I replied. I didn’t mean to take such a sarcastic tone, but I was guarding myself. It slipped out unintentionally. “You?” I asked, slightly softer.

“Not so wonderful.”

I slunk down the wall until I was sitting on the ground, my knees tucked to my chest. “Is your dad okay? I saw him on the news.”

Tyler laughed nervously. “He’s off to rehab.” He twisted his hands hanging between his legs. “Come home.”

“Is that a question or an order?”

“Of course it’s a question,” he replied, making no attempt to hide his annoyance.

I looked over at him, pushing away the tears that had sprung to my eyes. “You yelled at me in front of all those people. You called me a liar. You said we were a mistake.”

“You kissed him!” Tyler yelled. He took in a deep breath, shoulders visibly rising and falling. “You kissed him,” he repeated this time more calmly.

“I did not kiss him, Tyler. He kissed me. There is a difference.”

“It didn’t look that way from where I was standing.”

“Well, that’s what happened but I can’t make you believe it. That choice is yours.”

I turned to face him, straightening my slouched position against the wall. “It’s something we can’t escape, Tyler. I was with Gabe before I was with you. It’s always going to be there. I knew it before we started dating but I just ignored it because I wanted you. I needed you.”

With his head hung low, he peered up at me through dark strands. “And now you don’t?”

“I—” My voice caught in my throat. “I think it would be best if I didn’t.”

“That’s not the same thing.” He shuffled closer, encouraged by my lack of conviction. “You still want me, Lauren, and I still want you. You have been all I can think about. Every day at work I’ve tried to push you out of my mind by dealing with the shit-storm Dad’s arrest caused, but I haven’t been able to do it. You’re there. All the time. Every second, every moment of the day. And at night… at night it is way worse. I’m drinking more than I’ve ever drunk just to try and drown your memory. Not because I want to forget, but because I can’t function knowing that you won’t be there waiting for me in bed, sleeping with your hair all in a mess over your face, your body twisted in the sheets.”

By this stage, he had moved closer and taken my hands in his. My skin burned under his touch. His thumbs traced circles over the soft pads of my flesh, causing ripples of longing that tingled through my body.

It took all my strength, but I pulled my hands away and stood, gaining some distance between us. “But you don’t trust me?”

“I don’t trust him,” Tyler corrected, also getting to his feet. “I’m not sure what you want me to say. I can’t stand the thought of you being around him. I don’t want you to have anything to do with him.”

“You can’t ask that of me. He’s your brother.”

“I can’t lie. I can’t change the way I feel. I saw you kiss him, Lauren.”

Stepping across the gap that existed between us, Tyler tilted my chin, lifting my gaze to meet his, looking deep into my eyes. Anger and temptation fought within. The temptation to melt into him. Say I was sorry for an offence I wasn’t guilty of just to feel his arms around me. Agree to avoid Gabe just to keep him happy.

And anger that he would demand that of me.

Then he kissed me.

Despite its startling beginning, it was gentle, almost as though it were a question. He deepened the kiss when he felt my lips respond to his and pulled me close, pressing my body against the firm lines of his, melding my flesh to fit his, reminding me of the way we felt. My hands lifted to thread through his hair as desire and emotion overwhelmed me. There were so many things wrapped up in that kiss, but I think the reason it lingered with me was because we both knew it was a kiss goodbye.

Tyler broke away first, pressing his forehead to mine, his hands still wrapped in my hair and mine in his. “I loved you, Lauren Greer,” he said, his voice breaking over my name.

Tears threatened but I pushed them away with sheer determination and lifted my chin, even though it wobbled.

Loved. He said loved, as in the past.

And then he was gone.