LAUREN

 

 

I didn’t know I had a fear of heights until I attempted rock climbing. It had never struck me before. Not when witnessing Peta leap off the edge of a bridge with nothing more than a bungee cord tied to her feet. Not when looking out the window of a high-rise building. Not when climbing the scaffolding of the casino. Not when leaning over the edge of the railing while Tyler held me in place and did—well, did things I didn’t want to think about in my present state, but after taking those first few steps up the rock wall, even with Tyler being the one gripping the rope that held me, I found myself frozen.

“You can do it,” Hillis said firmly, as if, somehow, his tone could overrule my fear. “Just lift your hand up and a little to the right and you will find the next grip.”

I shook my head, my heart beating out of my chest, and then stopped as soon as I realised the movement made me even more unstable. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” I said.

“I’ve got you,” Tyler called out gently. “You just have to trust me.”

Even in my frightened state, the irony of his statement still amused me.

“Don’t look down,” Billie yelled from the safety of the ground. “Look up. Look at Jake.”

I attempted to do as she said and lifted my head. The rock stretched before me in what seemed like an endless slope of vertical grey. Jake waved from the top, crunching down on an apple, his hair piled in a loose bun on the top of his head.

“Come on, Lauren. It’s easy,” Jake called out, his words muffled by apple.

“Easy for you to say,” I yelled back, and then gripped tighter to the rock as a wave of vertigo washed over. I closed my eyes and started to breathe deeply. There was simply nothing I could do. I was stuck a mere six feet off the ground.

Jake had made it look simple. While Hillis was taking us through the safety precautions, listing the equipment we would need, the steps we would follow, Jake had approached the cliff and began to hoist himself from point to point, at times only hanging by his fingertips.

Hillis had yelled at him to come down, but Jake had merely laughed and scaled his way to the top, pulling himself over the ledge and looking back down at us as we worked ourselves into the harnesses.

“I’ve probably done more rock climbing in one day than you’ve done in your life,” he called back down to Hillis.

“There are procedures in place for a reason,” Hillis called back, his usually ruddy cheeks turning an even brighter shade of red.

“Okay,” Jake called out in reply. “I’ll just be up here waiting while you enforce them.”

Hillis picked me first. I had thought the look of sheer terror on my face might persuade him to choose someone else, but no such luck.

I gripped the rock with my entire body, well, that’s what it felt like, anyway. I hovered as close to the cliff as possible, trying not to think about the tenuous placement of my fingers or the fragile holds of my feet. Technically, I knew if I fell, Tyler’s rope would hold me in place. There was no way he would ever let me fall to the ground, but that didn’t stop my brain from imagining every possible scenario of how that rope would fail. When what strength I had left began to fade, I couldn’t help the tears that slipped out. Despite telling myself otherwise, I was quite literally frozen with fear. Risking a glance down, I met Tyler’s eyes and mouthed out the word help.

“I need someone to take this,” Tyler said, looking to the rest of his family.

“You are Lauren’s assigned support. To give your position to someone else would be to—”

“Oh shut the fuck up,” Tyler growled. “Just take my fucking place so I can go help her.”

Hillis’ face turned beet red but he didn’t back down. “Lauren needs to learn how to deal with this situation herself and control her fear. This is exactly what I was talking about in therapy through adventure. It forces us to—”

“Help!” I wailed. I was doing a terrible job at controlling my fear. Rather than dissipating, it was increasing. My heart jumped sporadically inside my chest. My hands were sweaty and sticky and I was certain I was going to lose my grip at any moment.

“I’ve got this,” Gabe said. I felt—rather than watched—him take the few steps below me until his body encased mine, forming a wall, shielding me from both the height and the fall. “It’s okay,” he whispered in my ear. “I’ve got you. We’re going to do this together.”

“I can’t.” My voice trembled. My foot slipped, but Gabe reached out and grabbed my thigh, giving me something to lean against.

“One step at a time and we can do this.”

“I can lower her back down to the ground if she just leans into the rope,” Tyler shouted from below.

Gabe’s hand slid down the back of my thigh. “We’re going to start with this leg first, okay?”

I nodded, comforted by the security of his body, and lowered myself cautiously, ready to freeze again at the slightest scare. Gabe stayed with me, whispering words of encouragement, and allowing me to lean on him for support until, after what seemed like an eternity, my feet reached solid ground.

Billie clapped me on the back. “You did it!” she said excitedly as I dropped to my knees, wanting to be as close to the safety of the ground as possible.

“She did not do it,” Hillis corrected. “She came back down. The purpose of the activity was to…” Hillis’ voice faded to nothing as Tyler approached, anger clearly flashing over his expression.

“Enjoyed that, did you?”

“Excuse me?” I asked, my hand over my heart as the pounding slowly subsided.

“Is that why you came? To mock me?”

“Excuse me?” I stuttered again, not quite believing the words that came out of his mouth.

“You heard me. Was that display purely to piss me off?”

I shook my head, my thoughts scattered and not comprehending. In my mind, part of me was still stuck on that cliff. “I never—”

“Well, mission accomplished, Lauren. I’m officially fucked off.”

Tyler jerked the remainder of the rope through the carabiner and let it fall to the ground. The muscles of his body were strained, the threads of his neck tight.

Bending down beside me, Gabe rested his arm across my shoulders. “And how fare thee now, sweet damsel?”

Instead of answering, I watched the set of Tyler’s shoulders as he strode away, shrugging off Gabe’s affection.

“What’s pissed him off now?” Gabe asked.

I shook my head, unable and unwilling to answer.

* * *

After lunch, our next scheduled activity was the silent trek to the campsite we were to stay at for the night. At first, the thought of a silent trek worried me. It seemed awkward and stupid, walking for hours without talking, but after Tyler’s recent outburst over my supposed behaviour, the silence was welcome, despite being punctuated by Billie’s heavy sighs.

Billie’s positivity for the weekend had dramatically dropped over the past few hours. It started with her complaining how uncomfortable her mattress was and cumulated in her refusal to even attempt rock climbing. The image of me pressed against the wall, harness digging into my butt, sweat dripping from my ghostly-pale forehead, may have had something to do with it. And then the realisation that tonight would be spent on the ground with nothing to shield us but a roll of thin foam and our sleeping bags, was almost too much for Billie. When she thought of an adventure weekend, roughing it in tents had never occurred to her. I’m not sure what exactly she thought we would do, but I imagined it was more along the lines of a spa weekend, despite their lack of adventure.

Once the trek was completed, the tents erected, and campfire lit all under the cover of silence, Hillis announced that we were now free to talk, as long as the topics didn’t include any of the issues we were currently facing.

No one said a word.

We sat around the fire as the sun fell over the ocean, listening to waves crashing against the rocks. Our tents were placed in a wide circle around the fire, two to each, apart from me. I got to spend the night alone. And after the day I had, I couldn’t think of anything better than climbing into my sleeping bag and closing myself off to the world. How I longed for my little bedroom back at Sadie’s house. The one where I didn’t have to watch Tyler glare at me across the flames, or Gabe wink in my direction every time he made a crude joke. Part of me was waiting for Hamish to call the whole thing off, declare it was a stupid idea, something, anything, to get us all out of there. But either from the rehab therapy or the lack of alcohol in his system, Hamish remained silent, content to let the weekend play out as it willed. He never once commented on the ability of his sons, other than to compliment them, but he did studiously avoid me and made sure he was never placed in a position where he actually had to acknowledge my presence.

Once the sun had set and the ocean was left dark and foreboding, I zipped open the small entrance to my tent and crawled inside without bothering to remove any clothing other than my boots. It was cold and I shivered inside the padding of my sleeping bag, silently begging warmth to creep into my bones.

As the fire crackled and shadows danced over the walls of my tent, I wondered how on earth I had ended up here and why I didn’t put my foot down when Billie insisted I come. Maybe there was a part of me still not willing to give up my relationship with the Thornton family. Maybe I was addicted to the drama, to the roller coaster of emotions I experienced whenever I was around them. With these thoughts floating through my head, the voices around the fire finally faded into oblivion.

I woke in the wee hours of the morning. The fire still crackled and shadows still danced across the walls of my tent. I strained to listen for voices, but nothing greeted me other than the waves on the beach. Unzipping the bottom of my sleeping bag to free my feet, I leaned over and opened the tent. Embers glowed in the darkness and flames licked the sky. I wanted to fall back asleep, ignore the thoughts that told me I needed to put the fire out, but the images of my tent bursting into flames while I slept wouldn’t leave. Pleased to be out of the enclosed space, I stretched when I exited the tent and shuffled over to the fire, keeping my sleeping bag firmly tucked around my chin. The night had only got colder since I had gone to bed and my breath came out in white puffs. A figure was hunched by the fire, sitting on a log and poking the embers with a stick. Sparks flew into the air like tiny fireflies.

Tyler looked up as I approached. “Can’t sleep?” he asked, his anger from before seemingly gone.

“I thought the fire had been left unattended.” I moved opposite him and sat as close as I could to the fire without my sleeping bag melting in the heat.

The stars were out in force. I had never seen so many. They dotted the sky as though I were sitting under a blanket littered with pinpricked holes which allowed the light through.

“Can I ask you something?”

I tensed, dreading the question that I thought would come, and nodded.

“Has your mother always been like that?”

I laughed with relief, pleased that his annoyance at me was short lived. “Like what?”

“A bitch,” Tyler offered.

Picking up a discarded stick, I poked the embers like Tyler had done before, sending a spray of sparks into the night. “Pretty much,” I replied. “Why do you think I was so keen to move out of home?” I dug the stick into the ash. “I know she means well, but it’s a brand of caring most people don’t appreciate.”

“It’s good she cares,” Tyler said. He sat up straighter on the log, adjusting his feet so they lay out in front of him. “I wish my mother was a little more like her.”

When I looked at him questioningly, he amended his statement. “Okay, maybe not. But, as you said, she does care even if she has a strange way of showing it.”

“How long has it been since you’ve seen her? Maybe she’s changed.”

“I doubt it.” Tyler stared at the fire and the flames danced across his eyes. “I’m thinking of going to see her, actually. I just wish I didn’t have to do it alone.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat at his silent accusation. “What about Jake?”

Tyler shrugged. “True.”

The wind picked up and blew smoke in my direction. I moved across the grass, finding a better place to sit. With Tyler’s gaze directed at the fire, I was able to study him and a surge of nostalgic sadness crept into my chest. An outdoors Tyler was not one I had seen before. He looked at home under the stars. I was used to seeing him with glasses perched over his nose and a laptop on his knee which often jiggled with impatience. Out here he looked at peace.

“You look at home out here,” I said, voicing my thoughts.

Tyler broke the stick in his hands and tossed it on the fire. “Dad used to take us camping every year when we were younger. It was the only time we actually got to spend with him. No business calls taking his attention away. No wife.” He chuckled. “It was men only on those trips, even though we were only boys.”

“And you all got along?”

“It was only Jake and me. By the time Clark and Gabe were old enough to go, the trips had stopped.”

“It would have been nice if you all had got to share that. Maybe you could all start now.”

Tyler grunted. “I can’t see that happening.”

“I hate that I’ve been the one to do that.”

“We had our problems long before you came along, Lauren.” Again his eyes locked on mine and the reflection of the flames licked over them. “Can I ask you another question?”

“Go ahead.”

“Did he try anything?”

The familiar tightness in my chest returned. Fear. Guilt. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was. “Who?” I feigned ignorance.

Tyler didn’t answer, just lifted that one brow.

Adjusting the sleeping bag around my shoulders once again, I picked up the stick I had left stabbed into the ash. The bottom was black and white, burnt to a char. “It’s really none of your business anymore, Tyler,” I replied, hoping to avoid the conversation.

“It will always be my business. I can’t even describe what it felt like watching him help you down from that rock today.”

“You might not be able to describe your feelings but you still managed to make them known,” I muttered. Then, taking a deep breath, I added, “I guess that’s why, despite my initial hesitation, this weekend has been good for me. It has reminded me why we don’t work. There would always be this thing between us.”

“There was no need for him to touch you the way he did, no reason for you to allow it.”

“Allow it?” I repeated, my voice growing louder. “I was petrified, Tyler. I was quite literally stuck to that wall with no way to make my limbs move. If Gabe hadn’t helped, I’d probably still be there.”

“I should have been the one to help you.”

“You were. You held the rope. You needed to trust me, Tyler. Regardless of what Gabe chooses to do, it’s me you need to trust.”

Getting to his feet, Tyler began to pace around the fire, stopping and turning in the opposite direction each time he reached the space where I blocked his path. “I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to stop feeling what I feel when he’s anywhere near you. My blood boils. It’s like a red haze passes over me and all these things I don’t even mean start to spill out of my mouth, usually hurting the person who means the most to me.”

“I can’t be with you and feel guilty every time I see or talk to Gabe. It’s not as though he’s simply some ex who I can avoid. He’s your brother, Tyler. If I’m with you, our paths are going to cross. I can’t just ignore or avoid him.”

Tyler stopped pacing, running his hands through his hair and expelling a frustrated sigh. “I know. I know. I just don’t know how to stop it. How do you stop feelings?”

“Maybe at first you don’t stop the feelings. Maybe you just stop acting on them.”