SEDRA
One Week Earlier…
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. - Ephesians 5:24
I remember it clearly. It was a day just like any other, a moment of serenity as I swung lazily on the tire swing hanging from the branch of a stately oak. I flew back and forth, my gaze on the lake next to our home.
The sun beat down warming my tanned skin. The sky’s reflection glistened off the small breaking waves. Sunlight scattered a million sparkling diamonds to float serenely over the surface, a sight so beautiful you felt alive for having witnessed it.
I was happy in that moment – ten years old and still believing in the magic that comes with childhood.
It would all end that day.
When I think back, I see my parents moving toward me, and my brother swinging beside me in slow motion. Smiles adorned their faces, their hands joined and my mother’s long cream skirt billowing out around her ankles as they walked. The light caught their faces in its grasp, my father’s bright blue eyes shining in promise.
Jumping from my swing, I ran to them when I saw them. They were happy. My mom had picked wildflowers and placed them in her hair and mine once I was within arm’s reach. They called my brother over to tell us both about how they’d found us a new home – a new life.
A life I never wanted.
Things would be better. We’d have friends. We wouldn’t be isolated in the middle of nowhere at the only house we could afford.
My parents wouldn’t have to work away from where we lived. There would be other children with whom to live and play. They promised that I’d find comfort - that I’d be safe - in this new life they’d arranged.
I believed them, believed there was a better life awaiting us over several state lines. I was excited about a place more serene than the paradise we’d created in the woods by that beautiful lake.
As I’ve said: I remember that day. Its details remain frozen exquisitely in my mind, a single solitary moment that became nothing more than a series of still photographs in my head.
But it’s not that particular day that hurts. It’s the reason why I remember that day that gnaws at my heart and batters the surfaces of my thoughts.
It was the last day I would have happiness – the last day before I met Elijah.
Eleven years would pass to find me running, the muscles in my legs burning while my body was wrapped in a wet blanket of ice. The chill in the air tore through my clothes, shredding my skin to reach in and wrap possessively around my bones.
Errant branches tugged at my hair, spindly fingers reaching out to stop me in my path. A storm rolled above, its thunder matching the beat of my labored breath.
“The woods will eat you alive, Sedra.”
My brother had warned me so many times when we were young. Ever my protector, he grabbed my arm or threw me over his shoulder to drag me back when I wanted to run. I was never allowed to explore beyond the barriers, never allowed to find my way.
That all changed when I was challenged to prove my faith.
A starving wolf chasing me down, the wind howled behind me. It carried the whispered words of the man I knew was coming for me.
Elijah was twenty-five years old when I’d first arrived to the compound. He was thirty-six now, and somehow still looked the same.
However, the eleven years I’d spent with the family had changed me in significant ways.
Gone were the bouncing, mouse brown pigtails. Noticeably absent was the baby fat I’d always hated around my abdomen. My chest had grown and filled out. My legs had lengthened. And my face had thinned down until I was the spitting image of the young woman my mother had once been.
Each year led me to this moment. Each day filled with the assurance that I had been born for one solitary purpose.
The only problem was that nobody who knew that purpose had bothered to tell me.
Until today.
I was Elijah’s purity, his redemption and his grace. I was the woman who would help him realize his dream, the one who would walk beside him into the blessed arms of salvation.
Elijah himself had told me this truth about my life. His voice was soft. His authority was unquestioned. And my devotion was strong when he chased me from the compound, forcing me into the woods wearing nothing but the blue, full-length dress all the women wore.
Our leader, Elijah, was a mystery covered by fantastical deceit and beautiful lies. Every night, eloquent poison would drip from his perfect lips, words so mesmerizing that it was easy for every person who came to know him to fall for the man who would eventually guide their lives.
For my parents, devotion to him had been instantaneous.
But for me, it had been a struggle.
Attempting to appear as if I’d believed as strongly as the others, I’d worked the gardens during the day and attended the nightly meetings where Elijah would preach his gospel of truth – his calling for a revolution against the evil that plagued our lives. I’d listened, nodding when it was necessary, and I’d repeated back whatever phrases were expected of me.
Even that hadn’t been enough for me to truly believe, at least not yet, so I ran.
My dress snagged on bushes as I pushed through the pitch black forest, sounds whispering to me from the distance. The rustling of the wind through the trees overshadowed an owl’s haunting song.
I wanted to cry, wanted to curl up into a ball on the ground and cover my face to block out the nightmare of being forced out alone with no instructions but to find my path and discover my destiny.
A crack of lightning flashed above me, the responding thunder shaking the ground at my feet. Rain pounded across the canopy of the trees, the sounds I’d heard previously drowned out as it fell. I was helpless and alone, cold and afraid.
I didn’t belong here. I didn’t know where I was going, much less what I was supposed to be seeking. The rain poured harder, stealing what little bit of sight I had left. My heart pounded against the walls of my chest as my body shook, partially from cold, but mostly from the abject terror that paralyzed me.
Dropping to the ground, I gathered my dress around me to keep it from becoming soaked in the puddles of water. Leaning my head against a tree, I tilted my face into the deluge of wet misery that was relentless in its force. I could have drowned there and not cared. Cast out and lost, I was a woman left to the elements, her life nothing more than a game to the man who’d ordered her exile.
Tears fell from my eyes and were lost in the rain that drenched my skin. As if beaten by the fists of the people I thought loved me, my heart ached in my chest. My stomach felt like it carried the weight of a hundred heavy stones.
I’d stopped running after only a few hours. The skin on my feet was bruised by the rocks and underbrush I’d pushed through while getting lost in a world I’d never known.
“Have you given up so soon, Sedra? I thought you had more spirit than that.”
My body jumped before my brain could place the voice. Opening my eyes, I was lost to the thick curtains of rain pouring down. Shaking from the cold, I was lifted by two large arms, the warmth of a man’s chest pressing against my body as I was carried to a place much darker than the woods where I’d become lost.
The pace of his body was slow but steady, a gentle bouncing motion that made me curl into his warmth, lulled into a feeling of safety because I was no longer alone.
The sound of creaking wood shook me from my stupor, my eyes opening once more to see the interior of a small wooden shed. Candlelight flickered softly inside. I shivered when the door closed behind us, the wind reaching out one last time, angry that I’d been pulled from its frigid grasp.
Although my vision was still blurry from the water that dripped from my lashes, I could make out the dancing flames of a small fire. Beside the fire was a platform covered in fur blankets that stood two feet off the ground.
“I’m going to put you on your feet now. Hold on to my shoulders in case you lose your balance.”
A dark whisper, his soft voice brushed across my senses. I shivered more, but not from the cold. Only Elijah had this effect on me. Simultaneously desirous and fearful, I always froze in front of him, completely losing my ability to function on any normal level.
His arm pulled out from beneath my legs, his other wrapped firmly around my body as he lowered me to my feet. Gripping my fingers over his shoulders, I wobbled on shaky knees, my body leaning forward like a moth drawn to his scorching flame.
Releasing me, he steadied me by placing his hands on my shoulders. The silence was deafening, but he broke it with a melodic voice, a deep baritone rumble that could both frighten and soothe me.
“You’re soaked to the bone, beautiful girl. We need to remove your dress.”
His hands released my shoulders and my knees buckled beneath me. Elijah caught me quickly, laughing softly before picking me up and carrying me to a wall.
Pressing me against the surface, his hips touched mine. Tremors ran over my bones and skin. My eyelids fluttered and my breath was stolen to feel him so hard where he touched me.
I was scared, so scared that I didn’t know what was worse: the storm that awaited me in the pitch black woods, or the dangerous man who now caged me against a thin, wooden barrier.
Securing me with his massive frame, his fingers slowly moved over the button at the top of my dress, his knuckle brushing against my chin as he released the tiny bit of plastic from the eyelet. Fear knocked my teeth together. He didn’t stop or slow down, didn’t seem to care that I wouldn’t look at him as he undressed me. My voice was stolen with every new button released.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Sedra.”
Elijah stopped peeling the wet cotton dress from my body, leaving the sides pulled apart just enough that only the top swell of my breasts were exposed. Running his finger along my jaw, he brought his mouth to my ear, allowing the heat of his breath to roll over my cold skin. On a deep whisper, he confessed, “I’m going to transform you.”
My knees buckled again. He caught me at the hips, steadying me before returning his attention to my dress. I opened my mouth to object, but my anxious breath left me on a rush of exhaled air with no sound. Shaking my head, I silently pled with him to stop. Attempting to speak again, I finally reclaimed my voice.
“Elijah, please stop. You can’t see me without clothes. It’s wrong. You’ve always told me it’s wrong.”
Broken and high-pitched, my words flew from my lips, barely loud enough to break the heavy blanket of silence in the room. He laughed in response. It was a sound so deep that it vibrated inside me, grabbing hold of me in places that were forbidden for me to explore.
A woman was to be purity and light, an object to be treasured and adored by the man who called himself her husband. It would only taint my soul to allow Elijah to see me without clothes.
“You’re wet, Sedra. You’ll get sick if you don’t get warm. I’m not undressing you out of lust. I’m only looking after your health. There are circumstances that allow for drastic measures. There is no other person around who can help you.”
I shook my head again, averting my eyes from his probing silver-blue gaze. His eyes were luminous tonight. Even in the flickering shadow of the candles, they glowed. I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t stand to look at his face without sinning within my thoughts. He was the type of man that it hurt to look at, the kind whose smile could cause you to melt inside.
“We can walk back, pick up clothes from the compound -” I begged.
His finger pressed against my lips. I shivered at the warmth of his skin.
“You’re freezing. If we go back out, it’ll only make you worse.”
He smiled, his voice deepening impossibly lower until I could feel his words caress my skin. “We have work to do tonight. You have something I want, something I need. You are going to be mine, Sedra. That is why you are here. Between us, and before God, we will be one. But, you had to fall so I would know you’d walk blindly into any situation I demanded. You are the key.”
“No.” I was shocked that I’d found the strength to interrupt him. “You’re soaked as well. You can’t stay in those clothes and we can’t -”
Silenced again by his hand, he pressed into me, the weight of his body holding me in place while his hand held back the words I wished to speak.
“Stop talking. After tonight, it won’t matter. You’re here for a purpose. There is a destiny to which you are tied, a reason for your existence. Do you not believe strong enough?”
I blinked long and hard, finally allowing myself to stare up into his face with shock spread across my own. “I don’t understand.”
He laughed, his eyes flickering in the candlelight. “I never expected you to understand. It’s not for you to understand. Hence the reason I exist. I need to right the wrong in this world. I need to reveal truth. With you, I can walk that path. You are the only woman who can walk me down that path. You can be pure, untouched in both body and mind. Don’t you want to help me?”
I looked up into his blue eyes, the silver practically glowing in the candlelight. His gaze was always discerning, always able to see through me straight down to those parts I preferred stay hidden. But beyond that, he was beautiful.
Flawless golden skin, shadowed with stubble. Wavy, dark brown hair framed his face and square jaw. He had a straight nose, except for the crick in the middle that was his only imperfection. Full lips that when opened released a low, throaty tone, a voice that was both bold enough to freeze you in place, and soft enough to force you to tremble.
Elijah was everything a good man should be, and me? I was a shadow that would only prohibit his growth.
Questions screamed in my head, doubts that I would never admit to having. He led us. He provided for us. He walked us down a path that would grant us entry into paradise. How could I not believe in him when all he’d done is guide me? No matter how much I fought, the doubts were what haunted my thoughts. And, to him, doubt was the ultimate sin. Wasn’t that what Thomas did? At least until he was shown the truth.
“I’m going to undress you, Sedra. It’s not wrong when God himself has created us for each other.”
Uncrossing my arms from my chest, I stared at him, desperate to find the faith I knew I should have. It felt wrong to pretend. It felt like a lie.
He made quick work of the remaining buttons to slowly pull the sodden material from my skin. My breasts felt tight when they were exposed to the air. I could feel his stare, his gaze that was heat and longing caressing my skin. It was unsettling to know that he looked at my chest now bared to him for the first time.
When his fingers slipped beneath the sides of my panties, I pulled away, my back slamming against the wall and blocking my escape. He stilled for a moment, waiting for me to resign to him once more. After I’d done so, he pulled the panties down my legs, releasing them to allow the cotton to fall across my feet.
“Kick them off.”
Lifting a shaky foot, I followed his instruction, my body visibly trembling to be exposed. He moved away from me, the cold air rushing between our bodies. My skin was tight across my bones, my heart hammering so violently I feared it would tear through my chest.
I didn’t know what I expected to happen next. I was in a state of opposites; juxtaposed between a foreign desire for him to touch me, and a fear so powerful it made me want to run away.
In retrospect, the cold, black rain seemed far less dangerous than the man standing in front of me.
“Lie down on the platform in front of the fire. Wrap yourself in the blankets to get warm.”
Demanding was the only appropriate term for his tone of voice. There were no options left open to me but to dutifully obey.
Elijah didn’t glance down at my naked body, but instead, he held my eyes transfixed in his gaze. It wasn’t until he took another step away from me that I found the ability to do as he’d ordered.
My bare feet padded over the rough wood floors until I reached the platform where I could lie down. Pulling the blankets over my body, I refused to look up while he undressed. A few silent seconds ticked by before I recognized the sound of his wet shirt dropping to the floor, the thick buckle of his belt being unfastened, that same buckle hitting the floor where I’d just walked.
Heart knocking against my ribs, my blood was a roar of thunder rushing through my skull.
“Take the position of faith, Sedra. You need to prove your loyalty.”
Bringing my forehead down to the platform on which I lay, I crawled out from beneath the blanket, spread my hands out to my sides, and brought my outstretched feet together behind me to assume the position I’d been taught since my arrival to the compound.
I was a cross. The symbol of my faith. The example of God’s power on Earth.
The questions wouldn’t stop whispering. What would he do next? Would he steal my purity? Would I be cast out when the others discovered what I’d allowed him to do?
With my face pressed to the platform, I couldn’t see him as he moved to kneel by my right side. His large hand wrapped around my wrist, locking a soft restraint around it. I attempted to pull away, but he gripped harder, admonishing me with his words.
“I’m going to secure you, Sedra. It’s for your own good.”
I stilled, tears escaping my eyes as he continued trapping me in place. When he’d bound the first wrist, he moved to the left to bind the other.
My feet were next – bound together before being secured to the platform. I couldn’t move as the room fell into silence.
“You’re here to be taught how to serve me. Seven days that we’ll use to explore each other before we make our vows before the family. Tonight we will be united before God, and you’ll have seven days of training so that you’ll understand what you must do.”
He walked to stand at my head, his hand lightly touching my hair.
“Be honest with me, even if you think it is wrong. If your thoughts are impure, warn me what is running through your thoughts. The rite cannot be completed if I don’t know what’s in your heart.”
Nodding, I silently agreed to what he’d asked.
“Do you want me to touch you?”
Broken apart by my tears, I forced an answer from my lips. “Yes.”
Shame enveloped me to admit it. My thoughts were evil and unclean.
I heard him breath out a heavy sigh before he removed his hand from my head.
“Will you be my wife, Sedra? Will you follow me and obey me if I grant that to you?”
I was flooded with confusion so thick I could barely think around it. Why would he want me? I’d just admitted that I wasn’t without sinful thoughts.
“I’m not worthy of you, Elijah. I’m not without evil.”
I felt the blanket being pulled away from my skin, his hands running down my spine. He reached my lower back, and God help me, my body arched as much as it could, my bottom pushing up into the air, instinctively begging for him to move lower.
I cried harder knowing that a pure woman would never react in such a way. Evil had taken hold of me. I deserved the exile and my shame left me drowning in the pleasure given by his touch.
“Only God can determine your worth, child. But only you can answer my question.”
No emotion, just darkness. He wasn’t angry, despite what I’d said.
His hand swept lower until his finger pressed into the slick skin between my legs. A moan escaped my lips, my body trembling beneath the soft touch.
I was a slut – a whore – a woman who couldn’t control herself when it came to the carnal pleasure we were always taught to avoid. His touch was revealing my deepest sin. He’d pulled my hidden thoughts from me with nothing more than the brush of his skin.
I realized then just how powerful our leader was.
When his finger pressed deeper, just barely penetrating my body, I cried out, feeling an odd dampness between my legs.
He pulled away almost immediately, running his hand along my back before placing it on my head.
“No, my beauty. Your reaction is what is needed. It’s the sign I needed. We are meant to be together. No matter what, your body will only react like this to me.” He paused, his words lingering on my skin. “I can’t give you what you need until we are married. For that, I will cleanse you of all the evil and impure thoughts you’ve had before this moment.”
I didn’t respond. I was too lost in my shame – my pain.
“Are you willing, Sedra? Answer me and I will help you.”
He removed his hand and I groaned at the loss of his touch.
Seconds ticked by before I found the strength to respond. If this was what he wanted, if he was sure he could make me worthy, I would give him anything he asked.
“Confess, beautiful. Tell me the evil that lurks in your thoughts.”
Shaking my head, I wanted to refuse. They were my secrets. Like phantoms, they crept inside my head, stealing away the serenity of a life lived in purity and grace.
“Confess. Exorcise the evil that resides within you by spilling it from your lips. Purify yourself.”
My body jumped in reaction to the strength of his voice. I could hear his steps as he moved around the platform, my naked flesh left exposed for his eyes. I didn’t want to speak, didn’t want to admit the desires I’d attempted to hide every day of my life.
He knelt down beside me, placing his hands on my shoulders, the heat burning into my skin. His mouth was to my ear again and I pushed my forehead against the wood of the platform until it hurt. I didn’t want to say the words. I didn’t want him to know.
“Confess.” A whisper that spread across my nerves, my skin prickling in response to the soft quality of his voice.
After several failed attempts, after forcing my breath back into my lungs, I spoke.
“I’ve had impure thoughts, dark thoughts, thoughts about you that no woman should have. I have images in my head that no person should see. Even now, I want to look at you. I crave you, desire you, want you in ways that would hurt you…that would tarnish you.”
He breathed out heavily, the force of the air rustling the hair on my head. His hands slid down my back and his chest pressed against my head. I didn’t move – couldn’t move – too frightened about what he would do now that he knew how I felt.
“Would you like to know a man’s touch?”
“You’re testing me now, Elijah. I know you’re trying to tempt me. I won’t fall … I won’t.”
Tears streamed again as I pled with him to believe me, as I pled with myself to believe that I wouldn’t succumb.
I felt him touch me intimately, the breath I’d been holding forced from my lungs.
“You are mistaken, sweet girl.” He pulled away, pushing himself off me and kneeling down in front of me.
“Do you accept purification, Sedra? Will you believe me over the demons that have spread doubt in your head?”
Swallowing hard, I shed a few more tears before responding. I had to trust him, there was no other choice. I had to believe that he knew what was best. He wouldn’t lead if he didn’t know.
Elijah remained silent while I convinced myself of my own faith.
With fear gripping at my vocal chords, I managed to squeak out an answer. “Yes.”
The tip of his finger trailed down my cheek, his touch the sign of approval that I needed. I would trust him, would believe that I could help him achieve whatever God had planned.
I believed, or at least I told myself I did.
Whispering so that his voice barely brushed across my senses, he professed, “With purification comes pain. And with pain, comes rebirth. Are you ready?”
“N-no.”
He laughed. “You never lie, do you?”
“No.”
Standing, he commented, “Which is why you are the one.”
Seconds passed and I heard metal scrape across stone. I didn’t look up, couldn’t see what it was that he planned to do. The silence crushed me and the muscles tightened over my bones. When he spoke again, I jumped.
“I’m going to mark you. Once you bear that mark, you will no longer be Sedra. You will be pure, reborn in a body ready to serve me.” Metal scraped again and I heard him move to stand behind me.
“Welcome to the world, my beautiful Eve.”
I blinked at the odd name just as searing hot metal pressed into my shoulder, the smell of my burning skin choking me when I opened my mouth to scream.