LAUREN

 

The goodbye kiss Derek and I shared was strange. He was so familiar, yet in the matter of a few short months, he had become so foreign. I was used to hardening myself against him, not caving into the safety and familiarity we shared. But as he stood there and leaned in for a kiss, all the familiarity vanished and we were just two people unsure of what the other was thinking. He pecked my cheek and both of us laughed. It seemed so chaste, after what we were, but I certainly wasn’t going to rush things.

“See you Thursday?” he asked.

“If you’re lucky.”

If the kiss was strange, seeing him walk away was even stranger. Part of me wanted to call out and invite him in, immediately return to that place where I was safe and comfortable. But then I thought of everything that had happened, and the fact that we had both been with other people since he left, and I let him go. Turning to the door, I fumbled in the dark to find the right key.

“Don’t be scared.”

I jumped and held my hand over my heart as a figure emerged from the darkness. “Gabe,” I scolded.

“Sorry. I just didn’t know how to approach without scaring you.”

“Well, lurking in the dark like some stalker sure wasn’t a great way to start.” My heart was still pounding as I turned to insert the key into the lock.

“Sorry,” he said again, dejectedly. “I just really needed to see you. I need to explain.”

With the door now open, I turned to face him. “You could have called.”

“I did. You turned off your phone.”

He stood in the shadows with his hands deep in his pockets and a beanie pulled down over his head. Blond strands stuck out against his shoulders and his blue eyes looked forlorn in the dim light. He looked so sad that, for an instant, I forgot why I was mad at him. But then I remembered and stood taller.

“Mark told me about the bet, I don’t see what there is to explain. The only part I don’t understand is why you didn’t claim your winnings. You did win, after all.” I crossed my arms and did my best to be unaffected by his pleading eyes.

Gabe took a deep breath. “I didn’t claim my winnings, as you put it, because I realised how stupid and cruel it was. I should have never agreed to it in the first place. I just didn’t think. I didn’t realise that I would feel this way. You’ve got to believe me, Lauren. I’ve been beating myself up over this. I know I fucked up.”

“I don’t see why you’re so worried,” I replied as nonchalantly as I could. “Just tell them you won, if it will make you feel better. I really don’t care.”

I did care. I didn’t want everyone knowing that I had so easily succumbed, that after years of exclusivity, I jumped into bed with someone I barely knew after nothing but a seductive smile and a few nicely placed words.

“That’s not what I mean. I don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks. I care what you think though.” He looked down at the ground and then back up at me. The intensity of his eyes made my heart swell. “I just don’t want you to hate me. I couldn’t stand it.”

I sighed and reached out to brush his shoulder, drawing my hand back as soon as I did, scolding myself for touching him. “I don’t think I could ever hate you,” I said.

And once more that hopeful gaze stared back at me. “You don’t?” He took a step forward, his slumped shoulders rising and his mouth showing a ghost of a smile.

I took a step back, not trusting myself that close to him. “I don’t hate you. But that doesn’t mean I forgive you, either.” I took a deep breath. “It took a lot to let myself trust you, Gabe. That’s what it was when we… well… when we, you know.”

“Had sex?” he offered, his smile back in full force.

“Yes, had sex. You’re the only person I’ve ever done that with other than Derek.”

“Really?” He reached out and took the tips of my fingers in his, playing with them before lifting them to his mouth and brushing them with his lips. The sensation that tingled through my body at that slight touch was concerning. I couldn’t afford to stay around him any longer.

“You have no idea how much I want you right now,” he murmured.

I closed my eyes and willed myself to resist him. All the memories from the night we spent together came surging back and I thanked my lucky stars I had not consumed enough wine to dull my common sense.

“I thought that night was something more than a bet,” I said, trying not to look too closely at him, scared I would get trapped. “I know that’s stupid. I know that’s not what people like you do, but I allowed myself to think that perhaps you even cared for me, despite our obvious differences.”

“But I do,” he started.

I pulled my hands from his, breaking the physical connection that had me transfixed. “It doesn’t change what happened, Gabe. It doesn’t change the fact that if you hadn’t made that bet, there would be no way you’d be standing on my doorstep right now.”

Gabe took my hands again and tugged me closer so I was only inches away from him. His eyes burned with desire. “But I am here. Please,” he begged as my heart pounded with the closeness of his body to mine. “Give me another chance.”

I pulled my hand away and turned to push open the door, ignoring the parts of me that were begging to lose myself in him. “A chance for what? I’m not the girl for you, Gabe. And I believe the only reason you want me now is because you can’t have me.”

“I can’t?”

I shook my head with my back to him and stepped inside. “I’m giving Derek another chance.”

“Lauren, please.” He reached out and grabbed my arm. “I know I was stupid. I know I right royally fucked up. But everything I said to you, every moment of attraction, it was all real. It was all me, I swear. I just didn’t realise it at the time.”

I pulled away from him. “Go home, Gabe.”

I closed the door and waited until his footsteps sounded down the driveway. Oh, how I wished what he said was true. My heart was soaring with hopeful desire but I knew I needed to quell it. Gabe was a boy. Admittedly, a devastatingly good looking, well built, Adonis of a boy, but still a boy. He didn’t know what it was to commit to a relationship, but Derek did. Derek knew me and I knew Derek. He was the man I needed back in my life, and as much as my heart ached—or maybe it was something else—I knew I had to forget him and acknowledge that what happened was simply nothing but the result of a challenge. He would have never even looked my way otherwise.

* * *

I tried to forget Gabe after that. I tried, but I didn’t succeed. Even with my changed shifts, I still saw him for at least an hour each day before I went home. He was quieter than he used to be, but I still caught him staring at me and, when I did, he would grin wickedly, knowing the only reason I caught him was because I was looking too. But other than those silent exchanges he kept to himself.

On Thursday night Derek took me to the movies. On Friday night I sat alone and watched two episodes of Blood Too Sweet. After work on Saturday, Derek had a work dinner that he begged me to attend, but I couldn’t face them. Not yet. Not knowing that all of them knew exactly what had transpired between us, and especially not with people who were all friends with the man-stealing-bitch.

I watched three episodes that night.

On Sunday we went for a walk. He laughed at me puffing and panting my way up the steep hill and dragged me the last few steps. When we reached the top and looked out over the ocean below, he reached into the pocket of his shirt and pulled out my engagement ring.

“This isn’t a marriage proposal,” he said, getting down on one knee. “This is just a promise that my heart belongs to you and no other.”

I held out my hand and he slipped it over the barely visible pale band of skin. I felt nothing. I wanted to feel something but it simply wasn’t there. The only thing that was there was familiarity and safety.

He kissed me then. And, as the wind whipped about us, tossing my hair into the air, I did everything I could not to think of Gabe. I tried not to compare Derek’s lips to Gabe’s. I tried not to compare the sudden thrill that surged through me at the mere thought of Gabe, and the complete lack of anything when Derek’s mouth pressed against mine.

I tried but I failed.

* * *

On Monday night we shared an uncomfortable dinner with Peta and Shrek. Peta wanted us to be together, but she also couldn’t easily forgive Derek, and she let him know. Shrek filled the evening in with crass jokes and stupid impressions but the awkwardness never quite left.

“Lauren?” Peta called out as we were getting into the car. “Sorry, but I need you to return to your old shifts tomorrow.”

My heart leaped at her words, only, I didn’t know if it was from nervousness or excitement. My old shifts meant spending time with Gabe.

“Sure thing,” I said a little too brightly.

Derek shot me a scowl over the roof of the vehicle.

“Is that okay with you?” Peta asked, her hands on her hips and glaring at him.

“It’s not up to me,” Derek replied quickly, removing the scowl.

He was very quiet as he drove me home. He would look at me like he was going to say something, and then think the better of it and return his eyes to the road.

“What?” I asked him, frustrated.

“What?” he said back, feigning ignorance.

“Don’t what me. You’re annoyed about something.”

“I’m hardly going to see you if you go back to working evenings.”

I shrugged. “We’ll figure something out.”

He was silent for a good long while, staring at the road and driving very slowly. “I think you should quit,” he said finally.

“Quit? Why would I quit?”

“You should come back and work for me again. We made a great team.”

I sat, tossing replies back and forth in my mind. But this one I just couldn’t let slide. He couldn’t expect to upturn my entire life by leaving, and then think I would be willing to turn it all around the moment he decided otherwise.

“We did,” I said sharply. “Until you decided to fuck it all up.” My voice was cold and Derek looked up, a little shock registering on his expression when I swore.

“You swore,” he said.

“I’ve done a lot worse too,” I shot back.

“What do you mean by that?” He gripped the wheel tightly, his knuckles white.

The fact that I had slept with Gabe was burning at the back of my mind. I wanted to tell him, give him a little taste of his own medicine and see the hurt in his eyes for a change. But I knew to do that I would have to admit to it. It would also give him more reason to want me to quit, and if I had learned anything by Derek leaving, it was that I never wanted my life to depend solely on someone else again. It gave me nothing to cling to when they left.

“You left me, Derek. Do you understand that? You. Left. Me. Not the other way round, not by some mutual agreement. You left me for another woman. I had to change everything about my life. Everything,” I emphasised. “And now you’re back, and you simply expect me to give up everything I’ve built because you want me to?”

“Everything you’ve built?” He snorted and I glared at him. Pulling himself together, he looked at me apologetically, lowering his tone to continue. “Not because I want you to. But because I thought you would want to. Didn’t you enjoy working for me?”

“Until I found out you were fucking the slut in the next office.”

“Lauren!” he exclaimed. “Enough! This is not you, speaking like this.”

“And you would know this, how?” I yelled.

“Because you’ve been mine for the last thirteen years!” Unable to control his anger, his voice rose in volume until it matched my own. “Not that you would know, based on the way you’ve given me the cold shoulder since we got back together. Barely a kiss, not one single cuddle.”

“Cuddle?” I scoffed. “Are you serious?” My blood was boiling. “You’re seriously going to have a go at me for not having sex with you when you’ve been off fucking, yes I said fucking, another woman?”

“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this, Lauren.” Derek kept his eyes glued straight ahead, his nostrils flared and eyes flashing in anger.

“Let me out,” I said, reaching for the door handle.

“Don’t be stupid. We’re just about there. Why are you getting so upset, anyway? It’s hardly like pouring coffee for other people has been your lifelong dream.”

“Let me out of this car now, Derek Lees!”

He pulled over and I climbed out and slammed the door. He followed me for a while, telling me through the open window how stupid I was being and how I should get back into the car. I walked all the way home without acknowledging him, flopped down on the couch and cried. Then I dragged myself off the couch long enough to change into my pyjamas, shove some food in Smudge’s bowl and grab a bottle of wine. I drunk it straight from the bottle while watching another episode of Blood Too Sweet, and I cried some more. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up the next morning with a parched throat and smudged and blurry eyes.

Derek hadn’t texted or called.