LAUREN

 

I didn’t take Drew up on his offer for a ride home. The night air would help clear my head. I was annoyed at Gabe for walking off. How were we supposed to resolve our argument if his response was to simply walk away?

Fortunately, my house wasn’t too far of a walk and I only managed to terrify myself into imagining two people were following me suspiciously. Turned out, neither of them were. When out at night, I usually left a light on at home, but since I wasn’t expecting to stay at my place that night, the house was dark and cold. I stumbled down the hallway, tossing my clothes off angrily, and dove into bed, throwing the covers over my head.

I woke to someone pounding loudly on my door. “Lauren!” a drunken voice called out. “Lauren, please open the door. I’m sorry. I’m so so fucking sorry.”

I opened my eyes and peered at the clock. It was four in the morning. Pressing my pillow over my head, I tried to ignore the incessant pounding but Gabe wouldn’t stop. Finally, I threw the covers off and walked down the hall, ripping the door open.

“What?” I demanded, crossing my arms and glaring at him.

Relief flooded his face. “Lauren,” he breathed and stumbled towards me. A wave of alcohol scented air hit before he reached me and I took a step back. He stopped and swayed slightly, looking at me through glazed eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

“Apparently so.” I left the door open and walked into the lounge, taking a seat on the couch. Gabe followed and sat opposite me as Smudge walked over and plonked himself on his lap. Gabe stroked him absently, seemingly transfixed by the sight of his hand moving back and forth over the cat’s black and white coat.

“Where did you go?” I asked finally when it seemed Gabe had nothing to say.

“Out,” he replied.

“Where?”

Gabe shrugged and patted the cat again. “Just out.”

“Well, I walked home. Alone.”

Gabe gently pushed Smudge off his lap and came over to sit beside me. “I’m sorry,” he said again, taking my hand in his. “I don’t handle stuff like that very well. It’s just, when Haleigh came over and we started arguing and then Derek came up, well—” He let his voice fall. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you being with him and I kind of saw red. I knew I was just going to end up doing something I would regret so I walked away. Besides, you were the one who threw the drink in my face.”

It was my turn to feel ashamed. I had never done that before. Never retaliated in that sort of way. I had wanted to, many times, but they were only fantasies that I kept well under control. But when I was around Gabe, I lost control. I tugged my hand away from him, but it only made him inch closer to me on the couch, this time taking both my hands and holding them firmly. “Lauren, listen. I’m just not sure how to act around you. I mean, I’ve never actually had someone ashamed of being with me before.”

“I’m not ashamed,” I protested.

Gabe nodded. “Right. And that’s why you won’t tell anyone. That’s why I had to beg you to tell your best friend.”

“But it’s not you I’m ashamed of. It’s me.”

“You? I don’t get it.”

And then I realised what I wanted to say was that I was ashamed of myself for sleeping with him. I didn’t want people looking at me. I didn’t want people seeing Gabe, how young and carefree and gorgeous he was and making assumptions. But most of all, it was because those assumptions were true. Sensing my hesitation, Gabe leaned over and tried to kiss me.

“Not now,” I said and turned my cheek.

Gabe pulled me closer and tried to nuzzle into my neck, groaning seductively, if not a little drunkenly.

“I think you should just go home,” I said, tugging my hands from his and walking over to the door, holding it open.

He glared at me and walked out, slamming the door behind him.

* * *

He called in sick for work the next day, and he didn’t call or text. Part of me wanted to reach out to him, assure him that everything was fine, but the other part was annoyed that he was avoiding me and slacking off at work, once again. If he wasn’t careful, Peta would have no choice but to fire him.

After two days of no contact with Gabe, I drove over to his house after work and knocked on the door.

Drew answered, nodding to the garage. “He’s in there,” was all he said.

I walked over and pulled the side door open to find Gabe, shirtless and drenched in sweat. My eyes travelled over his body as he pounded the bag time and time again, drips of sweat trailing down his perfect skin. I took a deep breath and cleared the thoughts distracting me from my head. “Hi,” I said when he didn’t notice me.

Gabe glanced up but kept pounding his fists against the leather.

“Hi,” I said again, taking a step closer.

Still, Gabe didn’t say anything, but he did stop striking the bag, and pulled his gloves from his hands, placing them at the back of the garage and picking up a towel to wipe the sweat from his face.

“Hi,” he said finally. “Is there something you wanted?”

“You haven’t been to work in a couple of days.”

“I’ve been sick.” He picked up a water bottle and squirted some into his mouth.

“Yeah,” I said, skimming my eyes over his body. “You sure look it.”

Gabe threw the now empty bottle away and reached down to grab his t-shirt and pull it over his head. “What do you want, Lauren?”

I stepped closer to him and took a deep breath. “I’ve missed you.”

Gabe snorted. “Sure you have.”

I took another step forward. “You didn’t call.”

“Neither did you.” Gabe paced back and forth across the concrete floor. He glanced at me quickly and then said, “I’ve missed you too,” while staring at the ground. “But you’ve made it pretty clear how you feel, Lauren.”

“I have?” I questioned.

“You don’t want to be with me, I get it.”

I almost laughed, thinking of all the times I had fantasised over him in the last couple of days. “I do. I just don’t want to be with someone who sulks every time something doesn’t go his way.”

Gabe stopped pacing. “I’m not sulking.”

“Well, what would you call it then?” I stepped dangerously close to him.

Gabe looked down at me, ran his tongue over his top lip, and then turned away. “I don’t like having to hide like I’m your dirty little secret.”

“That’s not what you are.”

“That’s how it feels. I feel like you are ashamed of me.”

“I told you it wasn’t like that.”

“Well, I’m telling you that’s how it feels. If we could just be open and honest, this whole argument over Haleigh and Derek would have never happened.”

“I’m just not ready for that. A few months ago I was engaged to Derek, having not long lost a baby. Did you stop to think about that? There’s more going on in my life than just you.”

Gabe chewed on his lip and reached out to take the tips of my fingers in his. “Come to the work function with me. With me, with me. Not as just a friend.”

I took my hand away, feeling like he hadn’t listened to a word I said. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” he pleaded.

“I just told you why.”

“Well, maybe I should take someone else then,” he said cruelly. “You know, just so people don’t get the wrong idea about us.”

I was getting sick of his games. “Fine,” I said and started walking towards the door.

“Fine,” he yelled back, slamming it behind me.