CHAPTER FOUR
Luke sipped his tea and grimaced. He didn’t like the stuff any more today than he had two days ago. Bracing himself, he took another cautious swallow.
“If you don’t like it, you don’t have to drink it.”
He eyed his mother skeptically. “Really?”
“Of course. You’re not a five-year-old that I have to force to drink his milk.” Abby smiled ruefully. “I appreciate that you’re drinking tea as a concession to me, but if you don’t like it, and it’s pretty obvious you don’t, don’t drink it to try to please the sick woman ’cause it’s not working.”
Luke put down his teacup. He should have known he couldn’t fool his mother. She’d always been able to read him and her illness obviously hadn’t impaired that ability. “Do you have coffee?”
“In the pantry. Reese drinks it every morning.”
He found a can of coffee grounds in the pantry and made himself a half pot in the coffeemaker. He sighed in pleasure as the rich aroma of coffee filled the kitchen. He may as well admit he was addicted to the stuff. Smelling the brew made him think of the little shop down the street from his condo in Napa that roasted their own beans and served the best coffee this side of Nirvana.
He stared out the window over the sink at the brown grass and the bare limbs of the poplar tree in the back yard. He was a long way from Nirvana.
As soon as the coffee finished brewing, he poured himself a cup, added a splash of milk, and rejoined her at the kitchen table. With the first few sips, a pleasant caffeine buzz flowed through his system.
Abby grinned at him. “Feel better?”
“Much.”
“Good. Honey, I wanted to ask you. Have you had a chance to talk to Maggie? Do you think she’ll come to visit me?”
This was the second time she’d asked about Maggie. He didn’t know why seeing her was so important, but he’d make damn sure it happened. “I haven’t talked to her about it yet, but I will. She’ll come to see you soon. I promise.”
She nodded, relief showing on her face. “That’s good. Thanks, honey.”
“No problem.”
“At the risk of sounding like a nagging mother, have you given any thought to the other promise you made to me?”
His mother was nothing if not tenacious. He saluted her with his coffee cup. “After I leave here, I’m going to see Jerry.”
“Good. Have you called him?”
“No. I thought I’d drop in.” He wanted to see what kind of reaction he’d get if he showed up unannounced. In a perverse way, he wanted to disprove his mother and grandmother’s belief that Jerry had changed.
Once a deadbeat, always a deadbeat.
“I understand he works at home so he should be around. Jerry told me he got married a few years ago, so don’t be surprised if a woman answers the door.”
“Who’d he marry?”
“A local woman, but I don’t know her. Apparently, she’s several years younger than Jerry.”
He didn’t welcome the news. Luke didn’t like the idea of an audience for his meeting with his birth father.
“I want to come clean about something.” Abby stared at her teacup as she gripped the delicate porcelain handle, her knuckles turning white from the pressure. “Your father not being in your life, that wasn’t entirely his fault.”
“Mom, don’t take the blame for him.”
She looked up at him. “I’m not. I’m taking responsibility for my own actions, something I should have done long ago.”
“What are you talking about?”
She paused to drink some tea, her hand shaking slightly. “Jerry and I went to high school together. We never dated back then or were particularly good friends. As soon as he graduated, he joined the military and left Minnewasta. I stayed here and started working in the bank.
“About five years later, he came home on leave to visit his mother. She had cancer, I think, and wasn’t doing very well. Jerry and I met, and I think we…needed each other. You were conceived as a result.”
“I know the end to this story already, Mom. Jerry left and you never heard from him again.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. Three months later, his mother died and he came home to bury her. About then, I found out I was pregnant with you. I told him, not because I wanted anything from him, but because I thought he had the right to know. But Jerry astonished me by asking me to marry him.”
The news shocked Luke. “He asked you to marry him?”
“He did. I turned him down. I didn’t love him, and he didn’t love me. He was asking because he wanted to do the right thing, but marriage would have been a disaster for both of us. So, once he settled his mother’s affairs, he went back to the military base overseas where he’d been serving. And I had you.”
He was almost afraid to ask his next question. “Did you ever hear from him again?”
Abby nodded. “He sent me a card with his contact information during my pregnancy. He wanted me to let him know as soon as you were born. So I did.”
She stopped once again to drink her tea. Luke tamped down his impatience, resisting the urge to drum his fingers. He had to let her tell this story in her own way.
“He started sending money for you. Not a lot, but it certainly helped. I sent him a few pictures of you in return. But then when you were five and about to start school, he moved to an army base in Texas. He started talking about coming to Minnesota to see you. But I said no.”
Another surprise. “Why?”
Abby’s face crumbled. “I told him his sporadic visits would only confuse you. You needed someone who was with you for the long haul, not just when the mood struck him. But in truth, I was afraid. You were all I had, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you.”
“Losing me? Why would you lose me?”
She wiped at a tear that streaked down her face. “I didn’t say I was being rational. I guess I was afraid if you got to know Jerry, you’d want to be with him. That you’d want your father. I was afraid to let that happen.”
“Did Jerry argue with you about seeing me? Did he ever actually come to Minnesota?”
“No. He didn’t push and I didn’t offer. And together we were both guilty of depriving you of knowing your father. Me most of all.”
Luke got to his feet, too restless to sit any longer. All these years he’d blamed Jerry, calling him a deadbeat and a deserter.
“I should have told you this years ago,” Abby said. “But I was afraid you’d be angry with me. And you’d have every right to be. I’m sorry, Luke.”
Her face was drawn and thin, the skin pulled tight over her cheekbones. Whatever she did, she did for love, misguided though it might have been. He thought back to his childhood. His mother had never once said a disparaging word about his father. Every Christmas, a gift from his father was under the tree, though he’d always known Abby had purchased it. She always said he sent her the money and asked her to buy him something he really wanted. When he got older and asked why all the other kids had fathers and he didn’t, she’d taken him in her arms and told him she loved him enough for a mother and a father.
No matter what she’d kept from him, he couldn’t be angry with her, especially now. He knelt beside her chair. “Like you said, he didn’t fight you to see me. You have nothing to be sorry about. You were the best mother ever. You still are.”
Abby stroked his hair. “And you’re the best son a mother could ever want. I love you, Luke.”
He swallowed back tears. “I love you, too.”
A promise was a promise.
Luke repeated the phrase to himself as he parked in front of the house Jerry Fields used for his business and his home. A modest bungalow that appeared well cared for, it had what looked like a recent paint job and a well-tended yard. A sign on the fence circling the front yard announced the name of Jerry’s business, Fields Digital Solutions. Luke had done some checking and discovered that Jerry’s business, which specialized in setting up computer networks and security systems for businesses, was well thought of and very successful. Apparently, his services were in demand across the state and beyond.
Too bad he hadn’t set up this business years ago. Maybe they would have had a chance for a relationship.
Luke huffed out a breath. He hated that all these years later Jerry’s absence from his life still mattered. But after what his mother had told him, he supposed he wasn’t entirely to blame.
But he wished his father had cared enough to fight for him.
He slid out of the rental car and slammed the door with a little more force than was necessary. As he walked to the front door, he blew out a breath to calm himself. Just because he’d been manipulated into this visit didn’t mean he had to cop an attitude. He rang the doorbell.
A few moments later, a tall, lean man in his fifties wearing wire framed glasses answered the door. His thick hair curled around the collar of his denim shirt. It must have been dark brown once, like Luke’s, but was now liberally streaked with grey. Eyes, the same grey-green color as his, stared at him first in shock, and then in welcome.
He smiled broadly. “Luke. It’s good to see you. Come in out of the cold.”
Luke stepped over the threshold into the front hallway of the house. To the left, the living room featured gleaming hardwood floors and tasteful modern furniture. In fact, the furniture looked a lot like the stuff he’d purchased for his condo in Napa. The idea that he and Jerry shared the same taste in décor annoyed the hell out of him.
“Please, take off your coat. Would you like some coffee?”
“Sure.”
Jerry hung his coat in the closet next to the front door, then led the way to kitchen. The room was modern, yet warm and homey. Jerry busied himself making coffee. “This is a nice surprise. I appreciate you coming to see me. I’d heard you were back in town.”
“I didn’t think you’d recognize me,” Luke said.
“Your mother gave me some recent pictures. I’m sorry she’s so sick. Abby is the best person. She doesn’t deserve this.”
“No. She doesn’t.” Luke cleared his throat, not wanting to go there. He stood next to the table, shuffling from foot to foot. “I should tell you upfront, coming here wasn’t my idea. It was hers.”
Jerry placed two cups of coffee on the table, then went to the fridge for milk. “I expected so. It’s not like I’ve given you a lot of reasons to want to see me. Why don’t you sit down?”
Luke lowered himself onto one of the chairs. Jerry returned to the pantry and came back to the table with a bowl of sugar. “Did you get the letter I sent to you a few months ago?”
“I got it. I didn’t open it.” Once he’d seen Jerry’s name on the return address, he’d fired the envelope straight into the garbage.
“I got your address from your mother. I wanted to connect with you, to explain. I let you down when you were a child. If I could go back, I’d change a lot of things I did. I’m sorry for not being a real father to you.”
Luke stared into his coffee cup, not trusting himself to meet Jerry’s eyes. “I think you’re about twenty-eight years too late with that apology.”
“I know.” Jerry sat in the seat across from him. “But it’s all I’ve got.”
Luke said nothing, and Jerry continued. “I thought by sending money to your mother while you were growing up I was doing the right thing, the responsible thing. It didn’t occur to me till a few years ago that being a father is much more than throwing money at a kid. You have to be there, and I wasn’t.”
“No, you weren’t.”
“I know it doesn’t excuse my behavior, but I had no idea what a father was supposed to do. I grew up without a father, too. My biological father walked out on my mother and me when I was a baby. I grew up dirt poor, looked down on by everyone in town. I swore if I ever had a kid, I’d provide for him, so for a lot of years I thought I’d done right by you by sending money. I was wrong. A father is there every day, helping, teaching, soothing.”
Despite himself, Luke’s curiosity got the best of him. “If things were so bad for you here in Minnewasta, why did you come back?”
Jerry sipped his coffee. “I hadn’t planned to. Once I left this place, I never wanted to see it again. And then, a few years ago, I was shocked to discover my no-good, dead-beat dad left me some property here. I came back, intending to sell it and get the hell back to Texas. And then I meet my wife.”
He took another sip of his coffee. Luke sensed there was much more to this story, and he was curious, but he didn’t want to appear too interested in Jerry’s life.
He couldn’t stop himself from asking one last question, though. “What made you realize what a father is supposed to be?”
Before Jerry could answer, he heard the front door crash open. A moment later, a small child bolted into the kitchen. “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!”
The child ran to Jerry and he lifted her in his arms and kissed her cheek. At least, Luke assumed the child was a her. The pink snowsuit was a pretty big clue.
“Daddy, we got books from the library! Can you read them to me?”
“I will later, sweetheart. Right now, there’s someone here I’d like you to meet. Luke, this is my daughter Emily. She’ll be four in January. Emily, Luke is my son. He’s your brother.”
She studied him with grey-green eyes. “No, Daddy. He can’t be my brother. He’s big.”
“It’s the truth, Em.”
A heavily pregnant woman entered the kitchen. She was blonde and blue-eyed and probably in her thirties, which made her about twenty years younger than Jerry. She smiled in welcome and held out her hand. Luke got to his feet.
“Luke, how wonderful to meet you! I’m Denise.”
“My wife,” Jerry said proudly.
Luke shook her hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Denise.”
“I think I would have known you anywhere, even if I hadn’t seen your picture. You look so much like your father.”
He was taken aback by her statement, but when he glanced at Jerry, he couldn’t deny the truth of her words. He’d never considered having anything in common with him before, including his looks.
“Jerry told me about your mother’s illness. I’m truly sorry.”
He believed her. Denise Fields struck him as the kind of person who meant what she said. “Thank you.”
“Why don’t you stay for dinner? We’d love to have you.”
Something like panic made his heart hammer. “Thank you, I appreciate the offer, but I need to get back to the lodge.” He gave them a brief account of the temporary work he was doing there.
Denise nodded. “It’s good you can be here in Minnewasta. I know it must mean a lot to your mother.”
Luke’s throat closed and for a moment, all he could do was nod. He cleared his throat and struggled to get himself under control. “I should be going.”
He headed to the front door, anxious to make his escape. Jerry set Emily on her feet and retrieved Luke’s coat from the closet. Emily grabbed Denise’s hand and they watched him put on his coat. The little girl stared at him as she leaned against her mother’s side.
Jerry pulled a coat from the closet and slipped it on. “I’ll walk you to your car.”
“Goodbye, Luke,” Denise said. “I hope we can have you over for dinner soon.”
“Thank you.” He didn’t know what else to say. Until ten minutes ago, he hadn’t known a family existed aside from a wife. It was too much to take in.
Luke followed Jerry down the front walk. Once he reached his car, he opened the driver’s side door. “Thanks for coffee.”
“You’re welcome. I’m glad you dropped by. I hope you know Denise’s offer was genuine. We’d both love to have you over and get to know you.”
“I’ll think about it.”
Jerry nodded. “You asked me what made me change my attitude about being a father. It was Denise, and then Emily. They’re the ones who taught me what a father should be. I’m sorry I missed your growing up. I cheated you, and I cheated me.”
It had never occurred to him that Jerry had missed out by not being in his life. He’d only thought about what he’d lost.
“We could use some expertise setting up the computer systems at the lodge. Would you be available?” The words flew out of his mouth, surprising him.
“Name a date and I’ll be there.” Jerry fished a business card from the inside pocket of his jacket. “Give me a call and let me know what you need.”
Luke accepted the card, uncertain why he’d asked for his help. “I’ll be in touch.”
He got in the car and turned the ignition. As he drove away, he saw his father lift his hand in a wave. Without thinking, he waved back.
For most of his life he’d seen his parents in clear black and white terms. But now his world looked a whole lot greyer.