31
Evan
I walk along the sidewalk.
It’s been at least fifteen minutes since I hurried out of the condo, my tail between my legs…though not in the way I would have preferred.
I can’t stop wiping the backs of my hands under my eyes and sniffling as I try to fight back the tears.
I’m still blushing from when Frankie and his mom walked in on me.
It’s all my fault.
I shouldn’t have gotten lost in my play time. It just felt so good and right, and I was having such a good time being totally lost in my puppy space.
Amazing how I can go from feeling so wonderful, letting go of all my stress and worries, to having all that ripped out from under me in a moment.
I went from feeling free and like my true self to being ashamed and embarrassed.
Since I started walking from Metropolis, I haven’t been paying much attention to where I’ve been heading, but I realize I’m coming up on Otterly.
I don’t figure it’s as much of a coincidence as it is that on some level, like with the puppy hood, part of me has been pulling me here.
I don’t fight my impulse to head there, but I’m debating about if I’ll bother going inside when I get to the Eagle and see the Otterly storefront and the little otter cartoon character on the window.
I figure I can go in and maybe pretend to look around.
It’d be nice to see Z if he’s working this evening. I haven’t seen him since he offered to take me to that puppy event at the Eagle.
Although, I’m not sure if I should be talking to anyone right now…not while I’m feeling so down.
I take a deep breath as I head through the front door.
The place is empty, and I don’t see anyone behind the register, so I assume Z might be in the back.
I meander through the store, glancing around at the different leather supplies and dildos.
Maybe I just need to go before anyone comes out. I’m not in the mood to talk.
I’m just sad.
Frankie sounded so mad at me. Like he was disappointed.
That took me right back to my own issues with my parents. How they felt when I came out to them.
It’s not the same, I remind myself, considering how supportive he’s been. But he made me feel like it was wrong for me to be in there, as Pup Runt, when that is always supposed to be my safe place. He’s supposed to be a safe place too.
And that hurt, made me feel as bad as I did that day when Peter was barking and growling at me, humiliating me over even looking at the puppy hood.
And on top of that, what does Frankie’s mom think of me now? What’s she going to think of him?
He should lie to her and say he doesn’t know anything about the puppy play. Then she won’t judge him, just me.
I reach for my pocket, remembering that I left my phone back at Metropolis, which sucks because I wanted to at least send Frankie a message to apologize for what happened, but in my rush just to get out of there, I left it.
I continue through the aisles when I reach the puppy gear section and survey the tails, the collars, the chew toys.
Tears rush to my eyes, pushing their way to the corners.
I bow my head and wipe under my eyes once again.
Godfuckingdammmit. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were having so much fun, and I ruined everything.
“Hey, pup,” I hear behind me.
Z’s voice is friendly and inviting. It’s what I need right now. As I turn to him, a warm smile stretches across his face.
From what I’ve shared with Frankie, I know this guy must be great with his pups. He just has this kind, gentle vibe to him…like he wouldn’t abuse any of his pups.
I imagine he’s the perfect handler.
That’s probably one of the reasons it was so easy for me to talk to him about it when I found myself drawn to the puppy hood initially. I’m sure it didn’t hurt that he wasn’t in any of my friend circles—that I didn’t have to worry about him telling anyone else about what I was interested in.
I take a deep breath.
I just need to pretend everything’s okay. Hell, I’ve done that plenty of times for a modeling shoot.
I’d just put on a friendly smile, convince everyone I was happy, even when I was dying on the inside. Wasn’t that what most of my relationship with Peter was anyway?
“Hey, Z,” I say with a smile to match his.
He approaches and says, “Sorry, I was in the back doing some inventory. We got some boxes in for a big leather event this weekend. How is the puppy hood working out for you? I see you’ve come back to your favorite spot, so I figure you need something to add to your collection.”
The thought of the puppy play and being back in the place where I actually pushed past my nervousness and began embracing that part of myself, reminds me of the good times Frankie and I’ve shared.
It’s too much for me, and the tears start back up.
I can read the concern in Z’s expression as he wraps an arm around me. “Come here, pup. Come here.”
He guides me into a back room, to a chair at a small table. Standing at a Keurig machine at the counter, he asks, “How do you like your coffee?”
“Typically an iced caramel latte with skim milk and whipped cream with just a little chocolate syrup on top,” I say with a wink. “But just some cream will be fine, thank you.”
Z laughs. “Well, at least you haven’t totally lost your sense of humor. That’s a good sign.”
He fixes me a cup of coffee before setting it down on the table in front of me.
I take a sip. “Thank you, Z. Not just for the coffee, either. For when I first came in here, too, and for seeing I needed a little push and helping me along.”
“It’s nothing,” he says. “What you were going through…I’ve seen that before with other guys. And it’s hard to push past some of those barriers we have in our heads, usually created by other people.”
I think about my parents, about Peter…and now about Frankie’s mom. What must she think of me? Does she think I’m some kind of freak? And is she thinking Frankie is too?
“I’m not gonna push,” Z says, “because I can see that you’re distressed right now. But, I’m here if you need to talk about anything. Obviously, I’m not dumb enough to think you just randomly wandered into a leather shop tonight while you were feeling like this. Am I right?”
I nod.
“Is it about the puppy play?”
“Sort of. And, at the same time…no.”
“Did someone hurt you?” There’s aggression in his tone. As though, if someone did hurt me, he would hunt them down and kick their asses. “You know, sometimes I worry when guys get into this stuff and then disappear for a bit. They can accidentally wind up trusting the wrong person, and—”
The tightness in his jaw and the way his biceps tense up, I have a feeling he’s got some history with that.
“No, no. Nothing like that,” I spit out because I don’t like whatever I’ve stirred within him, don’t want him to be concerned about me.
“I actually hurt someone else,” I confess.
His brows pull together. “And how did you hurt this person?”
“They were being a really good friend and helping me with figuring all this out.”
“Frankie? Is this who you’re talking about?”
I feel bad, especially about outing him, but Z isn’t the sort to go around gossiping about it. That’s one of the reasons I trusted him enough to go try out the puppy-play stuff that night to begin with.
“Yes,” I say. “At first, he helped me with the puppy-play training because he knew it was something I was interested in. It was fun, and we had such a good time, and then I feel like it sort of helped us both see these other sides of each other, these sides that have always been there, but it turned into something else. Now we’re seeing each other…as boyfriends. Well, I should say were seeing each other. Who knows after what happened earlier?”
“And then you hurt him?” Z asks. “What did you do? Considering how you’re falling apart right now, I can’t imagine it was anything intentional.”
“No. I would never,” I reply quickly, not wanting Z to think that I would ever do anything to purposefully harm Frankie. “After work, I went back to our condo, and I was having a bad day, so I just sort of hopped right into my puppy space. Got dressed in my puppy gear and started playing with my toy. It’s actually the first time I’d ever just done it totally on my own like that, but it was nice, and just what I needed. I guess I got kind of lost in it, and before I knew it, the door opened, and Frankie walked in with his mom.”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yeah, right? So there I was, pretty much naked. I mean, she might as well have walked in on me hanging in a sling. She freaked out, and Frankie shouted at me to go before they headed off. He sounded really angry. I don’t know if he’s going to be able to forgive me for this.”
“What do you mean…forgive you?”
“He’s very close to his mom, and I know from things we’ve talked about that he just wants her to be proud of him…to not let her down. When I came out to my parents, they were really religious and so caught up in thinking it was wrong for me to be gay, that they were really shitty about it, and now they won’t have anything to do with me. I know what it’s like to have your parents give up on you. I’ve seen how he and his mom are with each other, how much she loves him. And the idea that she might not want to be a part of his life because I’m into this thing that she thinks is weird…that scares me.”
Z nods. “Ev, it’s sweet that you’re thinking like that about Frankie, and I know it’s because you care about him.” He takes a deep breath, his gaze drifting off. “Let me tell you a little story. When I came out to my parents, they were very religious, and like yours, they freaked out a little bit. They said they thought it was wrong and that God didn’t want it. They didn’t respond well. But then, after they calmed down, they said that they loved me and they would be there for me if that’s what made me happy. A good parent doesn’t disown their child over being who they are. So, do you really think Frankie’s mom would be like that? Do you think she would just kick him to the curb?”
Hearing Z say that assures me of what, deep down, I already know. “No, she wouldn’t. She might think it’s weird and judge him.”
“That’s how my parents were, and it took us a long time to get to a place where they’re more comfortable with it, and they’ve made peace with their beliefs and with who I am, but that’s a very different thing than what you experienced with your parents, who weren’t even trying to understand where you were coming from. Don’t you think, considering she’s already embraced her son being gay, that she’d find a way to embrace this?”
“Well, I don’t know that she’ll exactly want me coming to barbecues in puppy gear,” I tease.
Z chuckles. “No, I imagine not. But really, I think this is just a conversation that needs to happen between you guys, and I’m sure, even if Frankie is a little freaked out or upset that his mom knows, I don’t think he wants to throw away your relationship any more than you do. Do you think that?”
I reflect on all the fun times we’ve shared—all the TV shows we’ve watched on Netflix together…the Chinese food we’ve devoured, despite lengthy debates about having Mongolian chicken versus Mongolian beef. I think about Frankie’s warm smile and the effect it can have on me when I’m having a bad day.
I have to admit that maybe I’ve gotten a little too worked up about all of this because of the fears and insecurities it’s activated within me.
“No, I don’t think he’ll throw it all away. It’s just…you know, I have this issue…sometimes I get a little sad.”
“Do you have issues with depression, Evan?”
“Yeah. And I guess I’m always feeling like, good as things can get, that one day I’m going to wake up and I’ll be back to how I was before I started getting help. Feeling afraid and worried and hardly able to get up out of bed. That I’ll go back to being someone who I really don’t want to be. And I’ll lose all those good things that I have in my life. That’s what I think really scared me tonight. Like…maybe I fucked it all up.”
“I don’t think you fucked anything up, Evan. And do you really feel like that person you were back before you got help? Like you wouldn’t be able to get better if you had another episode?”
“Not as much as I used to feel like that. It’s just…now that I have Frankie…I guess I feel like I have more to lose than I did before, and it’s scary.”
“Ooh, sounds like you’ve got it bad. I feel like maybe an L-word is on the horizon.”
There’s that warm smile again.
“I think I’ve been feeling that way for a while now, I just didn’t know what it was…because I’ve never had anyone like Frankie in my life before, and it’s scary as fuck, Z.”
“Yes, it is, pup. Yes, it is. So are you feeling any better?”
“A lot better. And, it’s Pup Runt, by the way.”
Z snickers, then lets out a loud, boisterous laugh. “Pup Runt seems a little feisty now, doesn’t he?”
“Pup Runt’s pretty feisty,” I admit.
I can’t help but grin. It reminds me of how much joy the puppy play has brought into my life, and really, into Frankie’s life as well.
“Life isn’t always easy, Pup Runt,” Z says. “But if it were, what fun would it be?”
“For sure.”
“I think I might close the shop a little early, if you want to head out for a drink.”
I like the idea of chatting with him some more, but I’m not particularly interested in getting a drink right now. “Do you mind if we get some frozen yogurt instead?”
“Pup Runt, you’re ridiculous if you thought Frankie was going to give up anyone as adorable as you.”
He rubs my head playfully as he rises from his chair. “It’s on me, unless you go crazy with the toppings, because I’m not a millionaire over here.”
I feel a lot better already.