5
Evan
Derek and his big mouth.
I can’t believe Frankie found out about that puppy hood.
It’s such a strange thing for me to even be interested in.
What kind of person is into something like puppy play? What could they possibly find appealing about it? And why can’t I stop Googling it?
I open my laptop on the desk in my bedroom and search for information on puppy play like I’d search for some dirty porn vids. It’s weird because I would have less of an issue searching for some big bear taking advantage of a twink than with this.
Derek and Z hardly thought twice about it.
But considering Z works at a leather store and Derek is…well, Derek…they probably aren’t reacting the way most people would to this.
For the past few days since Derek and I went to the leather shop, I’ve been doing more and more research. The more I look into it, the more I find that it’s a lot like Derek was saying about the toys at the store. The range of people involved in puppy play varies from those who just treat it like cosplay and don’t do anything sexual to those who enjoy it as a kink in the bedroom. I watch a few videos from guys into puppy play who discuss what they enjoy about it—taking a break from their everyday lives, being able to focus on those sides of themselves that they find more positive—affection, playfulness. That they’re able to shake off their “human” stresses by taking on their puppy personas.
The idea of even having a puppy persona makes me feel like a kid.
It’s exciting, but at the same time, the more I research, the more nervous I become about this stuff.
There’s something very intimidating when I even think about putting on a hood.
What would it feel like? What would that say about me?
Hell, what does it say about me that I’m even considering this right now?
I’m on my phone before my shift, and I’ve pulled up that Facebook group Z mentioned at the shop.
I’ve looked at it a few times, but I keep telling myself that this is such a weird thing that I just need to walk away.
But I don’t want to walk away. I want to feel…free and I think that’s something puppy play could give me.
My day at the coffee shop goes really well. I chat with my regulars, enjoying the interactions—a little pep in my step. In the back of my mind, nagging at my conscience, I can’t shake the image of that black and blue hood.
I remind myself of what Frankie said about me needing to get back out there.
He meant hooking up with guys, not wearing a puppy hood, dummy.
After my shift, I meet up with Travis, Gary, and Hayden at a nearby pizzeria for dinner.
We sit in a booth, catching up about our weeks.
I sip my Arnold Palmer while keying into my phone.
“Evan, what are you up to?” Gary the Superass asks, his eyes narrowed, his expression filled with suspicion.
“What? Why?” I ask.
“You have this really sneaky smirk on your face like you think you just did something clever.”
I can’t help but snicker. “I was just texting Frankie that I got this movie he wanted to see on Redbox for this weekend.”
Travis rolls his eyes. “I swear, you guys are going to be married before we are.”
He doesn’t get it. And he can’t know that the real reason I’m doing it is because I want to cheer Frankie up. He was seriously rattled after that call he got the other day. I feel honored that he was comfortable sharing that with me, and I want to be there for him the way he’s always been there for me.
I know he has a very good relationship with his mom, something I kind of envy because it must be nice to have a parent who wants to spend time with you.
The conversation shifts back to usual stuff, but I find my thoughts drifting elsewhere—as they have been the past few days. Finally, I sneak into our convo, “Do you guys do any strange things?”
Hayden tilts his head, wincing behind his thick-rimmed glasses. He massages his hand through the light scruff speckled across his face, turning to Gary. “That’s an odd transition from talking about invitations to Gare and Trav’s wedding. Something on your mind, Evan?”
I feel so stupid for bringing it up, and I tried to be as nonchalant as I could be, but I wasn’t really finding any good segues into talking about a puppy hood.
I shake my head. “I was just talking to Derek when we were at the leather shop the other day, and he was saying some things about what he and Jackson do with toys and stuff. I never did anything like that with Peter.”
“He was kind of boring,” Gary adds. “And small.”
I laugh, knowing very well the truth of that.
“Right?”
“So are you interested in experimenting with something?” Travis asks. “Like did you meet someone who wants to explore a kink you’re not sure about?”
“No…not exactly.”
God, it’s really hard to have a conversation about this, especially when it’s not only the sexual part of it that fascinates me. “I was just wondering if you had ever tried something maybe a little weird, that made you feel kind of silly. Or if there was something you wanted to try.”
“Oh, for sure,” Hayden says. He glances around uneasily like he’s reconsidering sharing. “No one judge. But I watch this porn…these guys wear stockings over their faces…like they’re burglars breaking in and then they totally take advantage of the guy whose house they’re breaking into. So I got Cody this stocking and…”
“I think this is more than I need to know about Cody’s sex life,” Travis interrupts.
“Whatever, it’s hot,” Hayden says, the smile across his face telling me exactly how much Hayden enjoys his and Cody’s little fantasy. He directs his attention back to me. “Does that answer your question?”
“Kind of. I don’t even know why I’m asking. I wasn’t meaning something just sexual, but I kind of was.”
I mean, from what I’ve seen it looks like the puppy sex can be fun and hot, but I don’t feel like I’m interested in this for the reason Derek is into the cuffs or Hayden is into his little kink with Cody.
I don’t really know what’s so appealing to me about it, and maybe that’s why I can’t get it out of my head.
When we finish eating, Superass and Travis offer me a ride to Metropolis, but I tell them I need to swing by the grocery store.
But I don’t need groceries.
I catch an Uber, keying in the leather shop’s addy.
It’s like something is possessing me, this impulse, this urge, this desire that has been awakened within me since I saw that hood the other day.
It’s been building up for some reason.
And now it’s almost like I can’t help myself.
On the way over, I decide my excuse will be that I’m looking for something to go with my outfit for that party we got the leather pants and harnesses for.
Yes, that’ll work just fine. No one will think anything weird about that. I’m accessorizing, for Christ’s sake.
As I enter the shop, I check around, noticing the hood behind the front counter.
Z squats beside a shelf as he packs it with boxes of dildos. There’s a loose dildo he grabs, and as the door closes behind me, he turns, and a warm smile spreads across his face.
“Well, hey there, Evan,” he says, pushing to his feet.
I feel the blood rushing to my face, I remind myself I don’t have a reason to be embarrassed. He can’t read my thoughts, and he doesn’t know what I’m really here for.
He approaches, asking, “What can I help you with today? Does that harness work for you? Did you need to return it?”
I can’t help but notice the giant dildo he’s still holding.
Jesus, Peter’s wasn’t even close to that.
“No, no, no,” I say. “I’m just looking for something to go with my outfit. I was thinking maybe a wristband or something.”
“You sure you don’t want to go with the puppy hood?” he asks with a smile.
“What? No. I just—”
“That was a joke. And why do you have that weird reaction to it? It’s not this strange or horrible thing. We’ve all worn masks before. Haven’t you ever gone out on Halloween?”
I laugh.
I feel kind of silly about how much I’ve built this up. Is it really that different than when I was a kid and dressing up for Halloween?
Have I been making too big of a deal out of this?
“You’d look really cute in it, by the way. And the one we got behind the register, that’s a small. I mean, talk about an accessory for that party.”
I laugh again, uncomfortably this time.
“I’ll be right back.”
I have a feeling I know what he’s going to do, and I want to say something to stop him, but my curiosity gets the best of me.
He walks around some display racks that block my view of the front counter. He’s gone just a moment before he returns with the puppy hood in hand, clearly having discarded the dildo.
He leads me over to a floor-length mirror by a rack of shirts with different prints across them like Daddy’s Boy and Spoogerag.
He offers me the hood. “Just try it on. Come on. I saw the way you were eyeing it the other day. Just do it for fun.”
I don’t know why I’m so nervous. Or why this moment seems so significant.
In the back of my mind, I hear Peter and my parents telling me that this is dumb. They always thought they knew what was best for me…that I wasn’t smart enough to make a good decision on my own.
Finally, after too long of a pause, I say, “Oh. No, no, no. I probably shouldn’t.”
“It’s fine. It’s made of neoprene, so it’s almost like a Halloween mask. It’ll slide right on. I think it’s just your size.”
He’s pressing, and I’m kind of glad.
He holds it closer to me, and I almost can’t help myself—the way I grab it.
I hold it before me, massaging my fingers across the fabric.
“I think you’d look real cute in it,” Z adds. “And there aren’t going to be too many people wearing these at the party.”
“I couldn’t wear it there, for sure.” But maybe I could try it on here?
I mean, it’s just me and Z.
“Some of my pups and I are going, so it wouldn’t be that strange. But try it on. See how you look.”
I can do this. I can do this, I tell myself, trying to mentally will myself to take this step.
I take a breath, looking in the mirror as I slide it over my head.
My hands are shaking, fucking trembling.
Z helps me a little bit, tucking it close so that it surrounds my face and I look at myself in the mirror.
I thought I would feel anxious and uneasy, like I did before I put the mask on, but there’s something about it that almost feels like it protects me because I’m in disguise. And even Z, who could see my nervousness just moments earlier, can’t read what I’m thinking.
I could be anyone under this. Not just the insecure ex-model with shit parents who didn’t care about who he was…or the moron who got played by that bastard Peter.
A rush of adrenaline courses through my body.
There’s something so exciting and exhilarating about this experience. There’s a freedom to it that I wouldn’t have expected, especially considering how much I’d been freaking out about even the idea of a puppy hood. For some reason, there’s this impulse within me rising to yelp or bark.
“That’s a good boy. That’s a good boy,” Z says, resting his hand on the back of my neck and stroking gently. I can tell he’s not mocking or teasing. He’s genuinely accepting, and there’s something about the interaction that feels so special, so different than anything I’ve experienced before.
“You should come to PupStravaganza at the end of the month,” he says. “Just for fun.”