Chapter 4:Dana
Oh God, I think Connor is falling for me.
I smiled back at Connor, in blinking politeness. There was something off about the way he was looking at me. This was supposed to have been just a friends with benefits thing. We accidentally fucked…happens all the time right? People are left alone in a car…
Well, okay, maybe that doesn’t happen to everyone. What we did all those nights…one mistake after another…hours of mistakes…then days and nights of mistakes…
Where was it supposed to end? I thought friends with benefits was supposed to be cold and detached? But Connor just seemed to get more enamored with me.
Come on, Connor,can’t you go boink a stewardess and forget about me?
It’s not like this is ever going to work in real life. What about Cammie? She would never allow it, or forgive us for keeping it a secret. As crazy as she was about all of Connor’s other dates…she would surely rip me apart for “stealing” her brother.
Or…maybe she would approve? Nah, that’s just crazy talk.
Besides, I don’t want to settle down. I don’t want anyone right now. I may not ever want someone permanently in my life. I hope Connor understands that.
I thought Connor of all people would know…he being the playboy pilot type. Or at least I thought.
Breaking it off with Connor was the most difficult thing I ever did in my life. And it’s not even because I was feeling something, because I wasn’t. I mean, I was, but not like he was. He wanted more closeness with me but I resisted him. I wanted more space, I wanted to see less of him, I mean God, I just wanted to forget it happened!
I finally arranged to meet Connor for lunch one day, away from Cammie’s watchful eye. To his credit, he hadn’t been stalking me and did give me the space I needed. But I knew what was going on in his mind.
Hell, of course I knew because I felt the same thing! I felt everything, from the tingling fingers to the lust at night…the desire to call him and hear his voice.
But it was not what I needed. It wasn’t what we needed right now. And I had to end it before I hurt him any deeper.
“I’m sorry, Connor. We can’t keep doing this.”
“I know,” he said nonchalantly. “I do get carried away sometimes. I think I’m just eating too many bananas. They’re like Viagra, you know.”
“I’m serious.”
“Come on, Dana. Don’t make this a big ‘thing’. We’re just goofing around.”
“I know. And it’s good. But it’s me. I don’t want…”
“Look,” he said, getting miffed. “I’m not writing you love letters, okay? Just cool it and let’s go with the flow.”
“No, that’s what I’m trying to say.”
“What?”
“It’s me. Connor. I can’t keep doing this because I don’t want to feel anything.”
“So don’t.”
“It doesn’t work that way. I like…the way you do things. I like you. But I am unavailable.”
“You can’t just chill the fuck out, can you?” he said, with a rising voice. “Why are you trying to make this a big fucking love story? So fine, we don’t fall in love.”
“I’m just afraid.”
“Then let me take care of it.”
“NO!” I finally said, raising my voice. “It was an accident, dammit! That’s what we both said!”
“And that’s what you wanted?” he said, folding his arms and looking more angry by the moment. “You wanted me to just fuck you for sport and forget I ever knew you?”
“Yes!”
“Just another pussy call.”
“Yes, that’s all. It never happened, remember?”
Finally, Connor laughed. I thought maybe he was getting it, but the more I asked, the more irate he became.
“You know what, it’s cool. I always wanted to do my sister’s best friend. So mission accomplished.”
“You don’t have to be nasty about it,” I snapped back.
“I don’t have to do anything,” Connor retorted. “You know you’re one hundred percent right, Dana. This meant nothing to me. I just overestimated you as a friend. We were never really good friends. Were we?”
The last comment hurt worst of all. Sure, the whole conversation left me feeling so angry and saddened I felt ill. But that sickening feeling, knowing that I hurt my friend and a lover I really, really liked, was still less stressful than entering into a relationship I had no idea how to define…and one that knew no limits.
I was majorly fucked up, I know. But this was the way it always had to be. That’s what I tried to tell Connor from the very beginning. Don’t fall for me…there is nothing but heartache in this direction.