Chapter 28

Moira

I close my laptop in frustration and push it across my kitchen table, trying to get it as far away from me as possible. It’s not providing me the answers I want.

In particular, I sent an email to Father Gaul two weeks ago, desperately hoping he would see it. I’ve been going out of my mind with worry about Zach, wondering if he made it back to Caraica.

I’m sure he did. He’s the most self-assured, capable man I know. He’s at home in the jungle, so there’s no reason he wouldn’t make it back there.

No, my worry is really about what happened after he made it back. Have the Caraicans already gone to battle with the Matica? Is Zach still alive?

For the last two weeks, I could barely eat, so sick with apprehension. I’m sleeping maybe a few hours a night, but it’s a fitful tossing and turning.

And I’m so heartsick that I can barely function. I miss Zach so bad. I think sometimes the best thing to happen to me would be if I just shriveled up and died, then this misery would at least be ended.

Pushing myself up from the chair, I pad over to the refrigerator. I open it up and stare listlessly inside, noting the extreme lack of contents. Shutting it with a sigh, I head for the living room, intent on getting lost in a movie.

A knock sounds at my door, and I jolt with surprise. No one even knows I’m back in Evanston. I assume it’s someone soliciting something, so I ignore it. The knocking continues, but I head to the couch and pick up the TV remote.

A buzzing in my pocket startles me and I pull out my iPhone, seeing a text from Lisa.

Open your damned door.

What the hell?

I scurry off my couch and run to the door, throwing it open. Lisa stands there, holding a carry-on suitcase with a devious smile on her face. “Hey, baby sister.”

Stepping backward, I blink in surprise as Lisa walks in, setting her suitcase down. As I close the door, I ask her, “What are you doing here?”

“Well… see, I have this little sister who has been ignoring my calls, texts, and emails for two fucking weeks, so I was worried about her.”

“How did you even know I was here?” I ask, astounded that she’s standing in my living room.

“Because I called Randall and he told me what happened. How could you, Moira? How could you go through all of that and not even tell me? Not even let me help you?”

Her voice is laced with chastisement but also a huge dose of sympathy. My lower lip trembles. Then she’s opening her arms to me, and I’m sinking in to them.

I start sobbing loudly on her shoulder as she strokes my back and coos words of comfort to me.

“Let it out, sweetie,” she cajoles. “Let it out.”

And I do… for the first time since Zach left me, I pour out every bit of my heartache and loneliness onto her in the form of tears and a little bit of snot.

When I am finally able to get myself under control, I take a deep breath and pull back from her. She eyes me critically. “God, you’re a hot mess.”

I stare at her a moment, and then we both burst out laughing. I cover my mouth with my hand as the laughter dies down, and Lisa looks at me with soft eyes.

“Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to go get a shower, because damn girl… you stink. Then we’re going to go out to a nice dinner, and you’re going to tell me everything. Okay?”

I nod at her even as a few stray tears leak out of my eyes. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“I’m always here for you,” she tells me as she shoos me toward the bathroom.

“The not knowing what happened to Zach is killing me,” I tell Lisa as I pick at the chicken primavera on the plate in front of me. The food isn’t holding much interest, but I had managed to down two glasses of wine before our dishes came, and I was pleasantly buzzed.

“Of course that would be worrying you,” she sympathizes. “But you’re also battling a broken heart that he’s gone. You have a lot on your plate, baby.”

Nodding my head, I spear a chunk of chicken with my fork and tentatively put it in my mouth. Oh, damn… that’s good. After I chew and swallow, I stab another piece of chicken, waving my fork in the air at her. “He just left so suddenly… and he wouldn’t talk to me other than to say he wasn’t coming back.”

Misery overwhelms me and I let the fork fall from my hand, where it clatters loudly on my plate.

“How long do you think you’ll be sunk in this misery, because frankly… it’s a little annoying?”

“Excuse me?” I jerk backward, and anger rises within me.

“Oh, come on, Moira. You’re not one to sit around and wallow in pity. Your man left you… yeah, that sucks. He could be in danger, and it’s worrying you silly. I get it. But my baby sister is a dynamo. She’d never sit back and just wait around for bad news to arrive.”

“What in the hell do you think I should do?” I ask bitterly. “It’s not like I can call him on his cell phone.”

“Well, no shit, Sherlock. So get off your ass and go find out what happened.”

“Go find out what happened?” I ask stupidly.

“Listen… if he’s dead, you need to know. If he’s not, you need to know. So go find out.”

“You mean go to Caraica?”

“Why not? You’re a freaking anthropologist. You’ve been to Amazonia before and you know how to get there. You have the resources at your disposal, the money with which to do it, because I know Randall will pay for the trip, and you have nothing but time on your hands. Unless you’re going to go ahead and go back to teaching in the fall?”

Shaking my head, I reach over and grab my wineglass, knowing I’m going to need more fortification. “No, the university has already arranged for a temporary substitute for my classes. I’ll be starting back in the winter.”

“Then there’s nothing holding you back,” she asserts.

“Except the fact that Zach left me. He didn’t want me to go with him, even though I offered. He didn’t even say he was sorry… or that he’d miss me… or that he wished things were different. He barely said a word to me,” I grumble, now aiming my anger at Zach.

“Come on, Moira. Think about what the guy was going through. He’d just found out his home had been attacked and his friends had died. You know he was struggling with the desire to return home anyway. You know, deep down, that it was impossible for him to even concentrate on anything except his need to get back to his people. So give him a break.”

Her words are hard, but they ring with truth. I’ve been so immersed in my own tortured feelings that I had given little credence to what Zach had been going through when he got the terrible news. All I could think about was holding on tight to him, and that did me little good.

“I don’t know,” I hedge, because even though I’m terrified to discover that Zach may be dead, I’m probably just as fearful to find him alive and unhappy to see me. He made a firm decision that he was returning permanently, his last words to me that he wasn’t going to come back to me burning an acid-like hole in my heart. “Maybe I just need to let it go.”

Lisa snorts, and my eyes rise to hers. I ask angrily, “What? What’s with the passive aggressiveness?”

“I’m not being passive aggressive. I’ll just be aggressive, how does that sound? Everything that is bothering you right now has to do with the fact that you have no clue what’s going on. Fear of the unknown is one of the worst feelings in the world. You have no clue if Zach is safe. You have no clue if he returned your feelings. You have no clue whether you would have worked out in the long term. You need those answers or you are never going to have any peace.”

Now it’s my turn to snort. “I know the answer to one thing… we were never going to work out in the long run. He only committed a year here, so in some respects, maybe this is easier. Imagine how much harder it would have been when he left me after a year… after my feelings had gotten even deeper.”

Lisa blinks at me, and her mouth hangs open slightly. “You don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?” I sneer, the wine feeling warm in my veins. “That Zach was just probably using me for sex, but even the prospect of returning back to a bloody war was better than staying here to fuck me?”

“Oh, God,” Lisa says with an eye roll. “Enough with the dramatics. No… you don’t know that Zach had decided to stay here permanently, do you?”

“What?” I practically screech as I lean across the table. “Why would you say that?”

Lisa leans back in her chair and thoughtfully runs her finger over the rim of her own wineglass. She smiles at me with mischief. “Oh, this is delicious. You seriously have no idea that Zach apparently had deeper feelings for you than you even give him credit for.”

My eyebrow arches at her. “As evidenced by the fact that he left me?” I point out snidely.

“As evidenced by the fact that he had met with Randall and told him that he decided to stay… here with you. He asked for Randall’s help… a job so he could help contribute to the household.”

“Tell me you’re kidding me,” I demand with a sickening feeling in my stomach. “Tell me this is a joke, because I really don’t need to hear right now that he had feelings for me. I was better off being pissed at him for leaving.”

“Sorry, sis. He and Randall came up with a plan to get his GED and then get into college. Zach insisted though that he have some way to earn income, so Randall was going to hire him at a Cannon’s store and sort of start him at the bottom so he could work his way up.”

My mouth hangs agape. “How do you know all this?”

“Because I bothered to talk to Randall. You’d know this too if you had responded to his calls and emails. He’s worried sick about you.”

My head hangs in shame. It’s true… I’ve been ignoring everyone. After I dropped Zach off at the airport, I went back to his house, packed my things, and left. I had sent Randall a brief email that I was returning to Evanston and that the key to Zach’s house was under the doormat. He had responded back immediately that he needed to talk to me, but I deleted it. He sent me several more emails, which I deleted without reading. I didn’t need his sympathy, and I was better off handling this on my own. I also disregarded all of his calls and wiped his voice mails from my phone without listening to them.

“Zach really told Randall he wanted to stay here permanently?” I ask, still disbelieving… still refusing to hope he had deeper feelings for me than I suspected.

“Apparently the morning he left. He went to Randall’s office.”

I remember waking up that morning and Zach’s side of the bed being cold. I had sat up in bed, a bit gingerly because my hip joints were a little sore from the way Zach had held my legs up, and my ass stung a little.

But, oh God. That was the most incredible sexual experience I’ve ever had. I had hoped Zach had found as much pleasure in it as I did, because I so wanted to do that again. He was so primal and raw with me, but at the same time, so tender and thoughtful. When he’d asked me if I trusted him, and I answered that I did, his smile told me that that had meant more to him than anything up to that point.

I had no clue where Zach went. I had assumed out for a walk… maybe down to the bakery we both loved to pick us up some breakfast. I made my cup of coffee, sat down to read my email, and then everything started spinning out of control when Father Gaul called me.

I knew when he told me what happened to Paraila and the tribe that Zach was probably lost to me. I knew that I could never compete with the type of love and loyalty Zach had for his people.

So it sort of stings just a bit more to know that Zach had made the choice to stay with me. For one brief, shining moment, he opened himself up and put me first, and I had no clue. He hadn’t bothered to wake me up and tell me. He went off on his own, made his plans, and then kept them from me. He didn’t even give me the courtesy of telling me that before he left because maybe… just maybe, it would have given me some hope for the future.

I can only guess by the way he completely withdrew from me and told me he wasn’t coming back, that he had once again changed his mind and determined I wasn’t more important than what waited for him back in Caraica.

Sighing deeply, I push my plate away from me. “I’m kind of tired,” I tell Lisa in a soft voice. “Mind if we go ahead and leave?”

“Moira… don’t withdraw. Let’s continue to talk about this. I know you’re hurting.”

I give her a sad smile. “I am hurting and I love you for your concern, but I think the best thing to do is leave this alone. Zach made his choice, and I have to honor it. Some wishes aren’t destined to come true.”

“I don’t believe that. I think there’s still a lot left on the table here between you two,” she says adamantly.

“No, there really isn’t. Actually… if I’m honest with myself, Zach made the right choice. It was right for him to return. He would have never been able to live with himself if he didn’t.”

“So, you won’t go to him? Won’t even entertain that idea?”

Shaking my head, I stand up from the table. “No. There’s nothing for me in Caraica. Now, I’m going to go out to the car if you don’t mind getting the bill. I need some fresh air and alone time right now.”

I turn from my sister and I hear her mutter, “Fool,” as I walk out of the restaurant.