I still want to hurt something…someone. Anything I can get my hands on. At some point in the afternoon, the nurse brings Evelyn into the room.
She’s been crying nonstop. I walk over to her bassinet. And stare down at her.
Bad mom, bad mom, bad mom…
I cover my ears, so desperate to get Reagan’s voice to stop. I will take the medication the nurses give.
I’ll do anything.
I start to pace the room, carefully counting my steps. My room is small. I never make it to twenty-four steps. I scared everyone in the dayroom. I know it. Angry outbursts are a dime a dozen, but they’re never caused by me. If the others could just slip into my skin and feel the fear running through me, they’d understand.
“What did you do?” a voice says behind me.
I whirl around and find Wes sitting in my rocking chair. As he moves back and forth it creaks ominously. This is the last thing I need right now. I still feel like I’m back in the dayroom, reliving Reagan’s words. I’m close to losing my mind and Wes might just take me over the edge.
I can’t escape him. No matter where I go or what I do, he’s there, always watching me. Always.
“Oh God,” I groan and drop my face into my hands. “Leave me alone,” I whisper over and over and over.
“I’m afraid that’s not possible.”
I lift my head. “How did you get in here?”
Wes stops rocking and stands up to his full height. He’s not smiling. “How do you think?”
My fingers curl into my palms. I keep pressing, until I feel my nails digging into my skin. I don’t back down when Wes looms over me. “You made me come here.”
I take four steps backward. I close my eyes and remind myself to breathe. “No, I didn’t,” I say.
Suddenly Wes is in front of me. His hands are on my shoulders. “Yes, you did. Why do you think I come here?”
If someone came into my room right now, they would see a man in love. A man concerned and worried. But it’s a role that Wes is playing. Trust me, you can’t believe him. It’s an act.
“You’re messing with me again,” I say.
“Why would I do that, Victoria?”
Too many words and voices are being thrown my way. And not one at a time. It’s all at once and I can’t think.
“I love you, Victoria.”
I jerk his arms off me and hurry to the other side of the room. Wes doesn’t follow me. He looks hurt that I want to get away from him.
“Tell me what’s wrong, Victoria.”
“Stop saying my name!” I yell. I’m losing my composure. Quick. “You’re trying to make me look crazy.” I point a finger at him. “But you’re the crazy one here. Not me.”
At first he doesn’t respond, just stares at me with those empty eyes. And then he walks toward me. My body stiffens. I take a step back and another until my shoulders hit the wall. He keeps his eyes on me the whole time and doesn’t stop until we’re a hairsbreadth apart. No one else would cut through my personal space like this.
No one else but him.
He places his hands behind me. He ducks his head and leans in so we’re eye to eye. “There’s your side, my side, and the truth.” He lifts a single brow and smirks. “Which one do you think your nurses and doctors will believe?”
I hate him. I hate him for being right.
“Why did you attack that girl?”
“You saw that?”
“Of course. She said you were a bad mom.” His lips twitch and I know he’s going to say more.
I can’t bear it. I cover my ears.
Wes yanks my hands away. “I’m talking to you! Listen.”
“You think I’m a bad mom too, don’t you?” I whisper.
“Did I say that, Victoria?”
“No. But you’re thinking it.”
“I think you’re losing it and you’re lashing out at me.” I open my mouth and Wes covers it with his hand. I instantly freeze up. “Victoria, I just want to make sure you’re okay,” he says. I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. All of it is mind games.
He moves toward Evelyn’s bassinet. I try to intercept him but he’s too quick. He peers into her bassinet and smiles. It doesn’t reach his eyes.
“What are you doing? Leave her alone.”
Wes ignores me and picks up a book from my nightstand. Goodnight Moon. It’s Evelyn’s favorite and always makes her fall fast asleep. Well, it used to. Back when she used to love me.
But still, I don’t like Wes holding the book. It feels like he’s trying to slip into a memory he has no business being in.
He opens the book and flips through the pages, reading aloud.
Goodnight…goodnight…goodnight…
He stops and smiles at Evelyn. “Goodnight nobody.” His words hang in the air, swarming around my head, ready to choke me.
I snatch the book out of his hands. I’m shaking so badly I can barely move. “You need to go,” I whisper darkly. “Now.”
Wes doesn’t move.
“Go.” My voice gets louder. “Before I scream for the nurse to come.”
Maybe he can see it in my eyes that I mean every word I’m saying; he takes a step back from me. “God offers to every mind its choice between truth and repose. Take which you please; you can never have both. Remember that, Emerson’s words.”
I flinch.
“I’ll see you later,” Wes says. But my eyes are closed, hands over my ears. The damage is done, though, and all my mind replays is: “Take which you please; you can never have both.”
I slide down the wall, my knees curled close to my chest. Beside me Evelyn cries and cries and cries in her bassinet.
I can’t make it stop and cry out in frustration, covering my ears. Soon my cries turn into groans.
Slowly but surely I feel myself splitting apart at the seams. I can’t keep doing this. Staying here. Listening to Wes. Hearing my daughter wail.
It’s all too much.
Doubt is starting to creep into my brain. It wants to take up residency. It wants to build a little town and invite all its friends: fear, paranoia, sadness, pain. I start to hum loudly.
This is how crazy begins. It creeps up on you very slowly, tapping your shoulder. It makes you turn around in fear. And then, when you think you’re in the clear, it attacks. It grabs ahold of you and drags you down, down, down….