August 2014
Sunny or cloudy.
Indoors or outdoors.
It didn’t matter. I kept my sunglasses on wherever I went.
The harsh reality of my marriage revealed itself in my eyes. I saw it every time I looked in the mirror. Sometimes I wanted to drape towels over every mirror in the house so I couldn’t see the truth. And if I could barely look at myself, why would I want anyone else to see me like this?
But today I had an actual reason to wear them. There was not a cloud in sight. It was the kind of day where the sky looks so perfect, you want to touch it.
I brushed the sweat from the back of my neck and hurried into the library.
I couldn’t remember the last time I was there. Maybe when I was nine or ten? My mother and I would roam aisles and aisles of books. I would pick out a stack of them and go to the small reading corner for kids and lose myself in the stories. I loved the peace that it always brought. That same peace instantly returned. My shoulders relaxed. In here I felt safe from the pain that seemed to follow me wherever I went.
The librarian, an older man, said hi. I gave him a smile. When I didn’t take off my glasses he gave me a strange look and I quickened my steps to escape his stare, reminding myself that a stare is better than pity. I walked through the rows, looking for the gardening book Renee suggested. I finally found the right aisle. The lighting was poor and I had no choice but to take off my glasses.
Kneeling down, I pulled the book off the shelf.
Very swiftly, my hobby for gardening was becoming a passion. I hated being idle. I hated going to bed knowing I’d done nothing productive, but in my garden I felt useful. In my garden I could chat with Renee and relax. I crouched down and flipped through the pages.
“Victoria?”
My body locked up. Lately, anytime I heard my name I braced myself for something bad. I continued to peruse the books, hoping the person would just give up and walk away.
“Victoria?” the female voice repeated.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I stood up and turned around.
“Taylor?” I asked in disbelief.
I couldn’t believe it was her. She lived in the same town as me, but she might as well have been living on the other side of the world. She’d changed so much. Her blond hair was cut into a short bob. The energy that she used to possess had slightly dimmed. She looked tired and a little frazzled, but she looked happy, and that was all that mattered. Both hands were curled around a stroller that held a sleeping baby girl. A diamond ring glinted from her left hand. Taylor had a family and I didn’t even know.
She smiled and gave me a hug and all I could think about is how I could put my glasses back on without her noticing.
“It’s so good to see you after so long,” she said as we pulled back to look at each other.
“Clearly you’ve been busy,” I said, gesturing toward the stroller with a smile. “I didn’t know you were even seeing anyone.”
“I started seeing this guy after you left the hospital. It was a whirlwind romance. We got engaged and, well”—she stared down lovingly at her baby—“we had a little surprise.”
My smile was starting to hurt, but I didn’t let it fall, for fear that it wouldn’t come back. “What’s her name?”
“Hayley.”
“She’s adorable,” I whispered.
“What about you? Are you still trying for a baby?”
I should’ve expected her question. I should’ve had an answer ready and waiting, but instead I was caught off guard, frantically thinking of a reply. “Oh, well…we’re still trying,” I lied. “We figured if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t we’ll enjoy the practice.”
I laughed lightly and Taylor joined me. For a second, I felt normal. Like the former version of myself.
My shame was strong, staking its claim on my pride and dignity. It didn’t stop there though. No, it oozed from my pores and wrapped itself around me like a coiled snake.
It controlled me.
“Well, enjoy the quiet now while it’s still there.”
“Oh, we are.” I tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and shifted from foot to foot, anxious to wrap up this conversation as soon as possible.
“How are you and Wes?”
“We’re good…we’re good.” I gave her another bright smile.
Taylor frowned slightly as the most uncomfortable silence circled us. She gave me that nurse stare. The one that I had used so many times before. For a second, I thought she could sense that I was trying to hide something.
I was terrified that she was going to ask more questions, but I was saved by her baby. Hayley stirred and Taylor swooped into action, giving her daughter a pacifier and me an apologetic smile. “I should probably be going. In a few minutes Hayley will be wailing if she doesn’t get a bottle.”
I nodded as if I completely understood. “It was good seeing you,” I said.
She backed the stroller out of the small aisle and gave me a small smile. “You too.”
When she walked away I waited a few seconds, just in case she turned around, but she didn’t. I slumped against the bookshelf and took a deep breath.
Seeing her again lit a small fire in me. It was nothing. Barely noticeable. It could die out at any minute. But at least it was something. I hurried over to the computers before I lost my nerve.
You can do this, my mind chanted. You were once like Taylor—strong and confident—and you can become that again.
It was extremely quiet in the computer section. Some guy in his midtwenties occupied one of the machines. I made sure to keep a good amount of distance from him. Not that he would even notice. He had earbuds in, nodding his head along to the beat of some song.
I gave him one last look and then got to work.
The days of using my laptop at home were long gone. I didn’t trust Wes not to go through it and look for anything he could use against me.
So I went here to look up anything important. I pulled a small notebook out of my purse and grabbed a pen and flipped through the pages. I had the numbers and addresses of some of the best lawyers in the surrounding areas.
I would glean information from multiple message boards on how to leave an abusive spouse. Some pages would give you warning signs of an abusive relationship, but I was far past that.
If I was going to leave Wes, I wanted to have all my bases covered so no matter what he did, I was ready.