November 2014
I took a pregnancy test in the bathroom at Wal-Mart.
Waiting ten minutes until I got home to pee on that damn stick seemed like it would be an impossible feat. I had to find out and it had to be right now.
My hands shook as I yanked the test kit out of the box. So many times had I taken the test, hoping with all my might for a positive result, only to be disappointed.
Right now I didn’t know where I stood. Out of all the times in my life a pregnancy should arise, now was the worst. Still, the thought that I could be pregnant, that one of my dreams could actually be coming true, plowed over all the cons.
I stared blindly at the graffitied door in front of me as I peed on the stick. As I waited for the results I read how Britney was a whore. Annie and Devin were meant to be 4eva. And Savannah, Kaylee, and Lucy were BFFs.
Dear God, I hadn’t thought this through. Did I really want to find out life-changing news while the lady in the stall next to me told her son not to pee on the walls?
Faucets were turning on and off and someone coughed loudly. I didn’t really care; my focus was on that thin white stick. It said to wait three minutes. Such a short amount of time but it stretched out in front of me, feeling more like three years.
Nervously, my legs bobbed up and down. I told myself to breathe, that everything would be okay. No matter the results it would. Be. Okay.
My nerves were shot. I finally peered down at the test and saw the positive line. I blinked a few times, waiting for the horizontal line to fade away and reveal the truth. But it stayed the same.
My life did not.
Funny how such a small test can change the course of your life.
I grabbed my purse and with my left hand gripping the test stick, hurried out of the bathroom.
Renee was slouched over the cart, slowly scrolling through her phone. When she saw me she stood up, her eyes overflowing with curiosity. “Did you take it?”
My words were trapped in my throat. All I could do was nod and hand her the stick. Her eyes widened in disbelief as she looked between me and the test. “Are we happy?” she asked cautiously.
I should have felt elated. This should have been an exciting time, but I was scared.
Frantically I tried to do the math in my head. How late was my period? I’d never kept track of my periods. Like most women, I relied on my body to remain consistent. I think I was a week late. I think.
I grabbed the test and stared at the results. “We’re happy,” I replied.
After that it was nothing but an exchange of hugs and tears. “But don’t tell your brother.”
“When are you going to tell him?”
I tucked the test into my purse. “Soon. As in a few hours soon. But I need to wrap my head around this.”
Before we left the store I ended up buying ten more test kits. As if the first one wasn’t clear enough.
All I could think about was how Sinclair would take the news. Things were amazing between us, better than I could ever hope for. I couldn’t say the same for Wes and me. True to his word, he wasn’t making anything easy. He moved out of the house a week ago and soon after announced he wanted to put the house up for sale. Fine by me; the house deserved to have a happy family living in it. But Wes wasn’t done. Any credit card debt? He felt I had to pay it off, arguing it was me who had spent the money. The items in the house, maybe the simplest things to deal with, were taking forever. He wanted to keep random things: pictures, a rug, our king-size bed. The chair in the living room. Can’t forget the flat-screen TV. The only things that we’d both agreed on him taking were the belongings in his office.
He was grasping at anything he could get his hands on. Sinclair saw the frustration and hurt I was going through.
My patience was unraveling. The days were going by so slowly. If it weren’t for Sinclair, I think I’d have gone crazy.
The icing on the cake was my relationship with Wes’s mother. Well, our former relationship. Lee Donovan was painted a different picture by her son. She was indignant: shocked, hurt, and more than angry that I would ever leave Wes. After two conversations in which she told me I didn’t try hard enough and that maybe I was the problem, I stopped answering her calls.
There was no doubt in my mind that by now half of Falls Church knew that Wes and I were separated. I had an even stronger suspicion that Lee had portrayed me in the worst possible light.
I continually reminded myself that if that was the worst things would get, then I was lucky. And it was actually working.
Until now.
I sat on the floor of my room, my back against my bed. All ten tests were spread out around me like scattered puzzle pieces. I wished it were that simple. I’d move a few pieces around and then, before I knew it, the puzzle would be complete and I would have my answer.
I stared down at my BlackBerry and scrolled through my contacts. Sinclair’s name and number flashed on my screen, daring me to call him. I had no idea how he would take the news. Bringing another life into our relationship could make or break us. I was afraid it would be the latter. I genuinely wanted to believe that he’d accept the news with open arms, but I was jaded by the past. I was used to the bad, not the good.
My mother and Renee called. I let both calls go straight to voicemail, and quickly made a call of my own before I lost all nerve.
It rang twice before he answered.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” I said, my voice catching.
He picked up on my fear immediately. “What’s wrong?”
I took a deep breath and held it. My gaze remained rooted on the test. I knew that once these words were out, I could never take them back. “I’m pregnant.”
Silence.
I frowned. “Are you there?”
“I’m here.” Another pause. “Hold on, let me go somewhere private.”
My left leg started to bob up and down. I couldn’t calm down. I brushed my hands across the beige carpet while telling myself that everything was going to be okay.
It was.
It was.
I heard a door shut, and seconds later Sinclair said: “Are you sure?”
“Yes. I took the first one at Wal-Mart and then ten more when I got home.”
“You took the first test at Wal-Mart?”
“Can we focus on one thing?” I snapped.
“Of course.” Sinclair paused. “You are pregnant.”
I could feel his smile through the phone. “What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking that you having our baby is the best news I could ever hear.”
I laughed nervously. Instinctively, my hand dropped to my waist. His words gave me hope and courage for the future. They made me believe that everything was going to be okay.
With a smile on my face, I picked up one of the many tests. “I still can’t believe it.”
“Neither can I.”
The line was quiet. Both of us were lost in our own thoughts and then he said: “A baby…a baby!”
His happiness made my own grow a thousandfold.
“Thank you for taking this news so well,” I said.
“Did you expect me to be upset?”
“Yes,” I replied truthfully.
“I can’t be upset about this, Victoria. It’s the best news I can imagine. Our lives can really begin.”
“I love you,” I whispered.
“I love you. Everything is going to be okay. We’ll get through this.”
I believed him because it was the only thing I had left.