Evan still had that sexy, cocky swagger that I remembered from the other night as he walked across my yard, only this time he was smiling instead of looking like he wanted to fight me. That was definitely an improvement.

I switched the radio from a country channel to a classic rock one, hoping we could find some kind of compromise. I chugged the rest of the beer I had been nursing for the last hour and hurried down the steps to meet him halfway.

“How’d the rest of your shift go? Any other excitement?” I asked.

Evan’s hair swung in front of his face as he shook his head. I wanted to reach out and tuck it behind his ears so I could get a chance to touch him again, but he beat me to it.

“It was a pretty boring night. Small crowd like usual for Wednesday, and Trey never did stop being weird. I’m not sure what his deal is. It’s not like him to go silent about anything. He normally revels in the attention of any chaos in his life.”

“Maybe he’s just catching a cold,” I offered.

Evan nodded, but looked doubtful. I didn’t know what else to say to make him feel better about his friend. After a short silence, Evan asked, “How’d the rest of your night go? Everybody at the station know about us yet?”

“If they did, they didn’t tell me…and they would have. Gossip spreads quickly at the station. It’ll happen soon enough, I’m sure. It’s cool, though. Fuck the haters, right?”

Evan nodded while looking down at our feet.

The mood had turned melancholy. I had no idea how to shake us out of it. A kiss seemed a little too forward when Evan clearly had other things on his mind. I wondered if he was maybe thinking the same about me. Instead of asking, I waved him onto the porch.

While he sat on the porch swing, I hurried into the house to get two sodas. I’d had enough beer while waiting for his shift to end. Another one probably would have just left me more sad and tired anyway.

Before returning to the porch, I shoved a pack of cards into my back pocket just in case I needed something to break the ice.

“Is Coke okay? If not, I’ve got beer, and water, and could probably make some lemonade.”

Evan took the can from my hand and said, “It’s fine,” and patted the spot next to him on the swing.

We swung back and forth for several minutes, each lost in our own thoughts. I wondered if a relationship with Evan was doomed from the start and if I should just call it off and put us out of our misery. He was clearly uncomfortable with whatever was going on between us and I was about to suggest that we call it a night when he said, “We need something to do, man.”

I stood and with a flourish pulled the cards from my back pocket. “Outside or in?”

“Cards? That’s almost lame enough to be cool.” Evan nodded at the table on the far side of the porch. “It’s a nice night and I’ve been cooped up inside the club.”

We both sat at the table. While shuffling the cards I asked, “What do you want to play?”

“Gin Rummy?” he asked.

I nodded. “It’s been a while since I’ve played so you’ll have to correct me if I mess up the rules.”

I shuffled the deck and held it out for Evan to cut. His hand touched mine for the briefest of moments, but it was enough for me to realize that I couldn’t push him away while there was any hope of things working out between us. As I dealt the cards, Evan broke the silence. “Sorry if I’m being too weird. I just don’t know what to do in a relationship, you know? I don’t have a lot of experience.”

I nodded, but didn’t say anything that would make me lose track of counting the cards that I was dealing. Once they were dealt, I said, “So we’ll take it slow and try to make sure neither of us screws it up.”

Fortunately, Evan didn’t run away at the mention of a relationship. I leaned back in my chair, trying to look relaxed. It was hard to sit still when my heart was racing at the prospect of spending more time with Evan.

Evan surprised me by asking, “So what do you have planned tomorrow? Have any time for a date?”

After how long it had taken us to start talking, I hadn’t expected it to leap forward so quickly.

I glanced at my watch. As I picked up my cards and started organizing them, I asked, “You mean today right? I’m actually off for a couple days now. I have to visit my family for a couple hours for dinner tomorrow, but as long as I survive that, I definitely have time to go out afterward.”

We picked up and set down cards almost mindlessly while we continued talking. Evan asked, “I thought you got along with your family just fine. It seems like a couple easy hours, isn’t it?”

“Normally it is. Tomorrow will be a little rough. It might be at least. Jillian knows about us, remember? She’s absolutely not going to let me dodge any questions. Rather than being silent about it, I might as well just come out to Mom and Dad and get that over with, too. It’ll be nice to have it over with, but I’m not looking forward to actually doing it.”

With his hand resting on a card that he was about to pick up from the table, Evan looked up at me. “Are they going to be okay with all of that? And if they’re not, what are you going to do about it?”

I shrugged. “I think it’ll be fine. It’s just stressful, you know? It seems like a big deal while we’re sitting out here so far away from them. I’m sure they’ll be okay, but it’s still gonna be strange, though. Like more real or something.”

Evan moved again and was silent long enough to play his next card before asking in a quiet voice. “Are you having any regrets or second thoughts about us? Or guys at all?”

I shook my head emphatically. I certainly wasn’t having second thoughts about Evan. If anything, I wanted more, and faster.

When I didn’t say anything, Evan continued. “I knew about me when I was so young. I shoved it in everyone’s face whether they were okay with it or not.” Evan chuckled. “I was too open probably, but fuck it, right? But I was still just a kid, really. My whole life has been shaped around being gay. I don’t know what it would be like to come out as an adult.”

“It’s all new to me, too, man. If I knew they’d be either happy or mad for sure, I’d be able to prepare myself for that, and probably be fine with whatever happened. It’s the uncertainty about how people will treat me that’s messing with my head right now.”

Evan snorted. “I never had any uncertainty. My parents are way homophobic. They go to the kind of church, well…. There wasn’t much chance for us based on that brainwashing.”

His parents are lucky I wasn’t around back then. I laughed at my thought. Big talk from the man who’s afraid of lunch with his own family.

I worried the most about my dad. Gay sons always seemed easier for sisters and moms to deal with, at least on the TV shows. I didn’t have much experience outside that.

What would I do if I saw even a hint of disappointment in my dad? He was the guy that taught me to play catch in the backyard. He was the one who encouraged me to stick with football before I started filling out later in high school. He’d always known the right words to inspire me to man up and be more macho.

What is he going to say when he learns his son is gay? Or bi? Or whatever I am these days?

God, how am I going to explain it to them if I can’t even explain it to myself?

Evan took a sip from his can before adding, “Besides, Jillian seemed nice enough. And you’re certainly nice enough. Kids like that don’t come from parents who are assholes. I have the asshole brothers to prove it.”

I let myself believe him while we were sitting alone in the safety of my backyard. “Yeah. You’re probably right. And the guys at the station will probably be okay, too. They’ll be a little strange for a few days, and some of them may never fully embrace it, but I’ve known most of these guys for too long to think that they’re going to kick me to the curb completely. I just wish I’d been the one to get the chance to tell them instead of O’Brian. Although it’s probably better if he does. How the hell would I bring that one up?”

I tried to convince myself one last time that everything would be fine. “I just can’t wait until today’s over. My family will know and it’ll be a couple days before I have to deal with the other police. Once I get through the visit with the family I’m sure I’ll feel better.”

Evan laid down all of his cards and shouted, “Gin Rummy.” While I picked up the cards to start shuffling them again, he asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Call me in sick with my family.” I joked.

He laughed and said, “I get it, man. It’ll be rough. If you think it’ll help, I’d be happy to come along and stand by your side. Offer some moral support or whatever. Give you someone to talk shit with behind their backs if things turn south.”

I considered the offer while dealing the next hand. If I came alone, everyone would spend the entire day asking me questions about him, and I wouldn’t know the answers. At least if he was there, he could just answer those questions himself. Hell, it would probably make it easier for me to learn more about him, too. “If you’re serious, I’d love to have you there.”

Looking intently at his cards, he said, “Done deal.”

We played cards for a couple more hours. I considered asking him in to spend the night several times as the night passed, but couldn’t decide if we were supposed to slow things down if we were going to explore a relationship. Since Evan had all the experience, I’d follow his lead.

It wasn’t until Evan yawned a couple of hands later that I remembered that he didn’t seem to have a lot of experience with relationships either.

He finally made the decision for us. “I’m going to call it a night and try to get some sleep for the big day. Give me a call an hour before you’re ready to leave.”

While I gathered the cards, he gave me a quick hug and kiss before he bounced across the backyard toward his house.

With a sigh, I picked up the soda cans and the rest of the cards, and walked back inside my own house, hoping that we could get through the early dating phase very soon so that I could stop sleeping alone.