One and done, I reminded myself as I walked into my messy house. After spending the night in James’ much-cleaner house, I had a sudden urge to do something about the chaos that had accumulated in my own place. I started by moving the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher and starting the cycle.

Looking around the rest of my house, I quickly decided that I would need to pace myself. I would have preferred to hire someone, but thinking about money just reminded me about the car repairs I needed that I probably couldn’t afford.

My mind skipped away from that depressing topic, and returned to James.

Everything had happened so fast the night before that I’d barely had a chance to check out his tattoos. I’d have to make sure to examine them more closely next time—

One and done.

Needing some music if I was going to have any chance to get any real cleaning done, I looked around for my laptop before remembering that I had never brought it in when I got home last night. I’d ended up in James’ bed before I had even made it home. That meant I must have left it in the car, which meant there was no way I was going to get it until much later in the day. I wasn’t going to risk running into James and his sister again until I’d at least had a shower.

Deciding the shower was exactly what I needed, I picked up my clothes and headed upstairs. Since my old water heater was a piece of shit, I started running the water first, giving it plenty of time to warm up. Before throwing my pants into the hamper, I checked to make sure the pockets were empty and found James’ credit card. Everything had happened so quickly, but it still seemed like a million years ago that Sean had handed me the card when I mentioned that I lived next door to James. Sean didn’t say anything, but had raised his eyebrows high enough. He’d certainly ask me plenty of uncomfortable questions when we both got back to work.

Standing under the flow of hot water, all thoughts of how I’d deal with Sean were washed down the drain. All that was left were memories of James that were all too few and too brief. Even as my muscles relaxed, my dick grew harder.

As amazing as watching his stomach muscles tense as he drove that thick dick of his in and out of my ass had been, and as incredible as it felt to be stretched so fully, I needed more.

I didn’t know the shape of his butt, or the smell of his hair, or the feel of his back muscles as my hands wrapped around his neck and he lifted me off the bed and fucked me against the wall with my legs wrapped around his hips.

But I had a decent enough imagination to fantasize in the shower. I could make up the rest. Rather than pretend I wasn’t interested, and end up walking around with a hard-on all day, I grabbed my dick and let myself imagine James lowering himself to his knees and taking me in his mouth.

I had plenty of rules about second dates and relationships, but none at all about who I pretended to fuck while jacking off in the privacy of my own house.

James would be stuck on replay for quite a while.

A couple minutes of heavy breathing later, I pounded the shower wall in frustration even as the orgasm swept over me.

Once again it had been too quick, and not enough to satisfy my deeper desires.

I felt old already at twenty-six. My rules had been built up over the years to protect me from all the bad decisions that I frequently made. But I couldn’t live like this forever: lonely and frustrated.

Refusing to wallow in my misery, I shut off the water and went off in search of some clothes to clean in, not that I had much that was nice enough that I couldn’t clean in it anyway. I settled for an old pair of baggy jeans and yet another t-shirt, and, while I started a load of laundry, tried not to think that I’d have a better chance with men like James if I had some nicer clothes.

He hadn’t exactly pushed me away, though…well, once we’d gotten to his place.

Realizing that he had rejected me at the club was the splash of cold water I needed on my foolish longings. He was just a straight guy using me to bust his gay cherry to get it out of his system. It wasn’t the first time I’d gone through it, and it probably wouldn’t be the last.

Considering my “one and done” rule, it wasn’t any skin off my back.

I needed to stop thinking about James, and start focusing on the millions of real things that I needed to get done that would actually make my life better. The words felt hollow. The night with James had been better than any in a long time. I hadn’t slept so soundly in as long as I could remember. Just having him next to me had been enough to chase away the bad dreams for a night.

The therapist had never been able to do that.

I picked up his credit card from the kitchen table, planning to rush it back over to him and ask him out on a real date. Fate had one minute to give me any good reason to not throw myself at him.

It didn’t let me down.

Outside my window I could see James running around in the backyard with the little kid who must have been his nephew. They were playing soccer. The kid could barely dribble the ball, but James kept dramatically falling as if he’d been faked out so badly that he’d lost his balance. With each of James’ flops, the kid giggled and kicked the ball toward a tiny soccer net in one corner of the yard. When he finally managed to score, James picked the kid up, set him on his shoulders and carried him for a victory lap around the yard.

It was all too much for me. Way too real.

I couldn’t try for a relationship with a guy like that with the likelihood that I’d screw things up and break both of our hearts.

James deserved way better than me.

Returning the credit card would have to wait. I couldn’t bring myself to do it when I’d have to look him in the eyes and brush my hand against his. I slid it into an envelope and promised myself I’d drop it off some time after he was gone.

They played soccer for another fifteen minutes before heading back inside.

And rather than cleaning my place, I spent several hours peeking out of my windows, trying to satisfy myself with the few times I saw him pass in front of a window on my side of the house.

It wasn’t nearly enough, but I didn’t know how to let myself ask for anything more.