I CALLED HIS ROOM in the morning and we agreed to meet at the diner for lunch, an innocuous meal. Breakfast felt too intimate, too much like the morning after, and dinner or a drink screamed “date.” Lunch was safe. And I needed safe right now.
I did everything I could to ensure this wasn’t anywhere close to romantic.
He wasn’t going to stop by my room and walk me there.
He wasn’t going to pay for our food.
I would wear a boring outfit, something that couldn’t be seen as even remotely date-like, consisting of ratty jeans, a faded T-shirt, and flip-flops. My hair was in a messy bun on the top of my head and my face was completely bare.
It looked like I just rolled out of bed. And it felt weird to be this underdressed. I’d always enjoyed picking out different outfits, experimenting with makeup, and trying new hairstyles. Looking put together had helped me feel put together.
Looking disheveled had me feeling out of sorts, something I really didn’t need today. But I had no choice; I needed this to feel friendly. Because despite realizing I was still in love with him, I wasn’t necessarily ready to start acting that way.
My phone dinged on the nightstand. I picked it up, smiling at Naomi’s text.
Naomi: Alara and Gabe have officially beaten you and Derek as the twosome most likely to make me vomit.
We really needed to tell her that nothing had ever happened between us. Pissing her off occasionally had been fun, but now with Hunter back, somehow it felt weird to insinuate I’d been with someone else. It was ridiculous. There would have been no shame in moving on, but it still made me itchy and uncomfortable.
Me: What’d they do? Have sex in front of you? That seems like the only thing that would make us lose our crowns. P.S. I’m not giving it back to you, even if you dethrone us.
Naomi: HA! You’d think, but no, it was so much worse.
Naomi: I actually heard them arguing about who should hang up first -_-
Me: They’re in love.
Naomi: So are Damien and I… we don’t do that shit.
Me: Yeah but that’s because you’re glued to each other. You’d have to separate long enough to say goodbye.
Naomi: >:(
I laughed; Naomi’s texts had the best timing in the world. She made people feel better, even if she didn’t know it.
Me: Thank you.
Naomi: For what?
Me: For being you.
Naomi: Anytime… and listen, I don’t know what’s going on, but I hope you know you can talk to me, talk to us. We’ll always be here, no matter what. That’s what family does.
Me: I know, and I promise I’ll tell you everything. But first I need to figure out what there is to tell.
Naomi: Fair enough. Stay safe xx
Me: Will do.
I blew out a breath as I checked the clock. It was time to go. I was grateful that Naomi’s texts had calmed me down and distracted me.
Even though I asked Hunter for time, I had nothing else to do here and no one else I wanted to see. And after sleeping on it, I realized I didn’t want time, I wanted to talk.
Grabbing my purse and room key, I headed out into the Illinois sunshine. Five minutes later, Stevie’s came into view. My steps faltered slightly when I saw Hunter sitting in our booth, staring out the window, his eyes eagerly bouncing around. It only took a few seconds for his gaze to land on me. Swiftly standing up, he made his way to the door and outside. I started moving, looking both ways before crossing the street and joining him on the sidewalk.
“Hi.” His eyes moved down my body, a small smile on his lips. The appreciative look in his eyes implied that my attempt to dress down had failed.
“Hey.” I cleared my throat, awkward and unsure. There was a nervous energy around us.
Hunter moved aside to open the door for me before following me down the aisle toward our booth. As he slipped into his side, I noticed he had already ordered a carafe of coffee. Hunter immediately poured us each a cup. He added one sugar and one tiny container of hazelnut creamer to mine before sliding it over.
“Thanks,” I said softly, wrapping my hands around the warm mug. It seemed silly to be touched by such a small thing as him remembering how I took my coffee, but I was. It was easy to remember the big stuff, like an anniversary or birthday, but remembering the little things always mattered more to me. I could recall with ease how touched my mother had always been by the little things my father had done to make her smile. I came to feel the same way.
“Why are you smiling like that?”
“Memories.” We both nodded and stared into our cups.
Still watching the light brown liquid swirl and steam, I said, “I’m not sure what to ask.”
“Ask anything. What’s the one thing you want to know most?”
There was no one thing. Every question felt important. I guessed the only thing to do would be to start small. “Start at the beginning. That night.”
Hunter nodded. “I woke up and saw you were missing. Then I heard all the commotion upstairs and I bolted, running as fast as I could. I was too late.” His voice cracked. “Once we were outside, you passed out and everything else seemed to happen in a blur. Thomas was there. I mentioned him earlier. He, uhh—”
“I know who he is.” He looked up while I explained, “He’s the one who spoke to me at the hospital, and when I would come back here I always asked him for updates.” I frowned into my cup. “I guess he didn’t feel the need to tell me everything, or hell, the most important thing,” I murmured right before I took a sip.
“Do you remember when I was a kid and went to report my father?”
I snorted. “How could I forget? I wanted to run down there and punch those officers in the nuts.”
We shared a small smile before Hunter confided, “Thomas was the younger officer, Officer Wagner. The one who almost believed me.”
My eyes widened and he nodded in sad confirmation. “I think he felt a kind of loyalty to me, more than he needed to. I think he felt bad… guilty for not doing something when I spoke to him all those years ago.”
“That makes sense,” I said, letting some of my bitterness toward him go.
“A few days later, I left. I just drove north until I was too tired to keep going. And that was pretty much how I lived for the next year. Somehow I managed to get freelance jobs that kept my head above water. When I wasn’t doing that, I was drinking. Drowning, really.” He shook his head and I watched Hunter clear his throat and sit up a little straighter.
“When I got my ass kicked, I knew I needed a change. I couldn’t keep living that way. It would kill me. I called Thomas, who’d been trying to get in touch with me since I left. He didn’t always know where I was, Sherry. He recommended I see a therapist and I took him up on it. I spent that next year sobering up, getting steady work, and seeing the doctor twice a month. I felt… better. I still had a lot of regrets and carried a lot of blame, but it was easier to look myself in the mirror. It became easier to see my future more clearly than I ever had before. Boxing helped.”
When he paused and took a sip of coffee, I asked, “Your future?”
“Hey guys!” We both flinched as the perky voice broke through our bubble. The waitress was looking back and forth between us, seemingly unaware of the tension. “Sorry, it took me so long to get back over here.” She tilted her head toward a large table on the other side of the diner. “They had a lot of questions. Are you all set to order?” Her smile was kind and patient.
Hunter looked to me, but I shook my head. “I’m not all that hungry.”
“Me neither.” He turned toward her. “I think we’ll stick with the coffee for now.
“Sounds good!” she chirped. “Just flag me down if you need anything.”
I studied him carefully as she walked away. This was hard on him—whatever else had happened that night played a huge part in making him who he was today. And even though I wanted answers, for now, I had the most important ones, and I didn’t want this to be complete torture for Hunter.
He looked like he was preparing for battle as he brought his eyes to mine.
Things used to be so easy for us, and I hated this place we were at. I hated all the pain and regret. A lot of good things had happened in the past four years. And even if I couldn’t appreciate them as much then, I could try to now.
We could make some of this about the better times.
Hunter broke my heart four years ago, but he was also the only thing that could make it better. It was remarkable how the same thing that destroyed a person, could also be the thing that healed them.
Humans were the strangest phenomenon.
A lit match added to a fire wouldn’t quell the flames.
Someone drowning couldn’t be saved by adding more water.
There was not a single thing in this world that could heal the thing it destroyed, except for humans. We had the power to do both.
So despite the fear and guilt on Hunter’s face, and the underlying tone of defeat in his words, I knew he had the power to fix this—and I wanted him to.
She was still here. That meant there was still hope, and that tiny amount of hope made it possible for me to open my mouth and tell her about the fight I’d had with my father, but she cut me off.
“I’m glad you were able to become a photographer.” She smiled as my brows bunched. “You know, thinking back on it, I never really asked you why you like taking pictures so much.”
I sat back, stunned and more than a little confused. She hadn’t left and she was asking about my photography? I wanted to tell myself to calm down, to not read too much into this.
You still don’t know what’s going on with her boyfriend.
You still don’t know if she can forgive you.
She still doesn’t know everything that happened.
Chill.
I took a deep breath and answered her. “Well, I guess I like the idea that just for a second… one split second… everything can be perfect. I’ve done a couple of family portraits, and sometimes right before I took the picture the kid was crying, and immediately following, the husband’s phone rang. The woman was exasperated, but then I handed her the photo and her smile was just… radiant. She was so happy to have that frozen moment in time, when maybe things weren’t perfect. Maybe there was crying and annoyance, but something perfect could come of it.”
Sherry stared back at me, her eyes soft and her smile proud. This was one of those moments. We’d just been discussing our painful past, and I didn’t know what would be happening after this, but in this one second, things felt perfect. Sherry was looking at me like she always did and my hands were itching to grab the camera in my bag next to me.
Clearing my throat, I clenched my fists and kept them in my lap. “And you? Why the decision to go pre-med?”
She got a faraway look in her eyes and took a sip of coffee, almost like she was trying to buy herself time. When she finally answered, it was a whisper and she couldn’t look me in the eye. “It was for you.”
“For me?” I repeated, an embarrassing squeak to my voice.
“Yeah.” She met my eyes. “It killed me to see what your father did to you. I wanted to be in a position to help. I considered counseling, but to be honest, I wasn’t sure I was sensitive enough.” Sherry smiled, but I remained slack-jawed.
“You didn’t have to do that. You could have done something you loved—”
She held up her hand. “I do love it, Hunter. I wouldn’t have stayed if I didn’t. You don’t contemplate that amount of debt if you’re not serious.”
“I just… I’m sorry my father was who he was, I’m sorry he took away everything from you,” I rambled. “My job was to give you everything, not be the one responsible for taking it all away.”
“Wow, we really can’t do light and easy, can we?” she asked after a minute of silence.
I laughed, a genuine, felt-too-good-to-be-true laugh. “No. I guess not.”
The atmosphere grew somber when she said, “I miss them every day. I wonder if they’d be proud of me, if—”
Without thinking I leaned forward and grabbed her hand. “Of course they would.”
Giving me a soft smile, she said, “You didn’t take everything away from me, Hunter. Your father did that, and I made my peace with that a long time ago. It’s time you did too.”
“I have, for the most part.” I ran my thumb over the back of her hand. “I didn’t know who I was after everything that happened. I didn’t trust myself with you. Even if my father hadn’t threatened you, I think if I had stayed we never would have made it. I wasn’t in a good place. But you at least deserved an answer, you didn’t deserve my silence.”
She licked her lips as her eyes welled with tears. “Did you ever think about coming back for me?”
“I did,” I said sadly.
We had yet to broach the topic of our personal relationships in the past four years, probably because I was terrified to know everything. But there was no avoiding it now. I swallowed roughly and closed my eyes, only to be tortured with the images from two years earlier, when I tried to find her.
I opened them and stared at Sherry.
“About two years after you left, I’d convinced myself I was being ridiculous… well, that’s not entirely true. Maria finally got through to me. Got me to understand that what happened wasn’t my fault and that letting you go was the dumbest fucking thing I’d ever done.”
Her lips quirked. “Were those her exact words?”
“Yes, verbatim,” I replied without missing a beat.
“So I went to Carillo.” Her eyes widened. “But you… you were with somebody else. You were laughing with somebody else.” That had hurt more than anything. Her laughter had been mine, and to see her give it away so freely had pissed me off. But the truth was, I hadn’t even known if that guy was her boyfriend or just a platonic friend. I would have been crushed either way, because I’d always been her best friend.
“I thought about you a lot over the years. Was your favorite color still orange? Was your favorite ice cream still mint chocolate chip? Were you happy? I wanted the answer to that last one more than anything, even if the thought of you being happy with someone else put a sharp ache in my chest.”
That was the truth, and I had been glad she appeared happy, but damn… it had hurt. I knew no matter who he was, he was an important part of her life.
Shaking my head, I continued, “But that didn’t even matter. I was already walking over to you guys, despite the pain in my chest. I wouldn’t have walked away just because of some guy. You were Sherry, my Sherry, and it would have taken a hell of a lot more than another guy to push me away.”
Her eyes glistened with tears, but I could see that some of them were joyous. “But then I thought about my father, about how happy he was when he destroyed everything. And how all those years before I never imagined him doing something like that, but what would stop him from trying again? How could I ask you to be with me when I still couldn’t guarantee your safety? How could I do that to you? Especially when you were settled? And happy?” I leaned forward to cup her cheeks.
“Sherry,” I pleaded. “You have to know that there was nowhere else I’d have rather been these past four years than with you. But like I said, I don’t regret my decision.” I pushed a piece of her soft, wavy hair behind her ear.
“I didn’t want to take the chance. You’re too important.”
“So you were prepared to lose me forever?”
“Yes. Because I’d rather have you alive in someone else’s arms, than dead in mine.”
My mind was whirling as Hunter paid for our coffees. When he was done, he placed his hand on my back and escorted me out into the overcast day.
You were with somebody else.
Those words had been running on repeat ever since he said them half an hour ago. We were only two stores down when I grabbed his arm and pulled him to a stop.
“What’d the guy look like?”
I already knew who he was talking about. It was the only guy I was ever around with any kind of frequency. Or whom I showed any kind of affection to. Derek.
But the slight pain on Hunter’s face made me realize what I’d suggested: that there had been so many guys I couldn’t remember which one it was. I could laugh at the ridiculousness.
He let out a breath and moved farther away from me. I listened to him describe Derek, a description which honestly could have belonged to a handful of guys, including one who’d just walked by. But like I said, I knew.
“Hunter, that was Derek. He’s just a really good friend. He’s the brother of one of my best friends.”
“So you never…”
I shook my head and stepped closer to him. “No. He’s only ever been a friend, more like a brother really.”
The hesitant look in his eyes hurt. It hurt that we’d been separated for four years. It hurt that we didn’t seem to know or trust each other anymore. It all just… hurt.
“I promise,” I said in earnest.
He had just opened his mouth when the sky opened up and water drenched us. Hunter looked stunned as the rain seeped through his clothes. We both stood, motionless and mute, as chilled water blasted us from above.
Hunter quickly leapt into action when I started shivering, gently grabbing my bare, wet arm and dragging me down the street. About halfway down the block, he stopped and pulled me into a side alley, where an awning hugged the side of the building, providing shelter.
I fell back against the wall with a grunt, a puff of air expelling from my mouth and hitting him in the face. His expression was solemn as he stared down at me, pushing some of my fallen strands that were stuck to my cheeks behind my ears. Hunter’s palms rested on the sides of my throat, his thumbs sweeping across my jaw. With a shuddered breath, I wrapped my hands around his wrists, holding him to me.
“You hurt me,” I said softly, my eyes on his throat. I watched his Adam’s apple bob before I stared up at him. “I can’t pretend you haven’t, because you have… so much.”
His eyes closed, pained at the reminder. “I know,” he choked out. “Trust me, I know. But I couldn’t—”
“I know.” I let go of him briefly only to cup his cheeks a moment later, forcing his eyes open. “I’m not saying you were wrong, it doesn’t really matter. I’m just…”
“Telling the truth,” he finished with a small smile. “Like always.”
“I’m trying to. I want to be who my parents taught me to be, not who your father forced me to be.”
Nodding, he shifted even closer. “I want that, too. For both of us.”
My gaze zeroed in on his lips. God… what I wouldn’t give to taste them again. Hunter moved forward and his lips hovered over mine, giving me time to push him away or pull him closer. His mouth had been so far away for so long that nothing could stop me right now. There wasn’t a force on this planet that could keep our lips apart.
I didn’t kiss him.
He didn’t kiss me.
It wasn’t a decision either of us made, we were just pulled into one another, like we’d always been.
And the second our lips met, I swear to God I thought I was going to cry.
He eagerly grabbed my face, like I was going to disappear and he’d be alone again. Slanting my head, he kissed me like it was the first and last time all rolled into one.
My own hands dropped and wound around his lower back, pulling him into me while the rain continued beside us.
His tongue caught mine and I relished the warmth flowing through me despite the cold trying to find its way in. He tasted like bitter coffee and sweet love. Every swipe of his tongue or shift of his lips felt purposeful, and I could understand the words flowing through him as easily as if he said them.
I’m sorry.
I missed you.
I still love you.
I won’t ever hurt you again.
Hunter’s hands skated back down my neck and across my shoulders before settling on the side of my breasts. I was silently begging for his hands to shift a little closer, but he didn’t try for more. He just kissed me, exploring my mouth like he was getting reacquainted. This wasn’t about sex, it wasn’t about tearing each other’s clothes off—though I couldn’t wait to get to that point either. It was about reconnecting. It was about remembering our time together in our youth, grieving the time we lost, and reestablishing something for the future.
Eventually his kisses slowed and his hands moved to my waist. We separated and drew in deep breaths, our foreheads resting against one another.
“What now?” I asked, secretly hoping for an invitation back to his room.
Instead he leaned forward and gave me another soft kiss before asking, “Will you let me take you on a date?”
Despite the teenage hormones flooding my body, I said yes. I’d missed everything about him, not just the sex.
We both turned toward the downpour and without even looking at each other, he grabbed my hand and we ran out into the rain. My giggles rang out and Hunter looked back to smile at me. By the time we got to the hotel I was completely invigorated. I hadn’t felt this good in years.
He let go of my hand and asked for my key. While he unlocked my door, I was spinning around with my arms spread wide. It probably seemed ridiculous to most, and even I had to admit I felt like a kid.
But what was so wrong with that?
I used to think growing up would be a wonderful thing. Even when people told me I’d miss my younger years—I still had this hope that there would be more freedom in growing older. More joy.
But all the things I’d seen since I met Hunter made me realize how foolish that thought was. And I’d never admit this to him, but he was responsible for giving me my first real taste of the world, the ugly, horrible world that contained ugly, horrible people. Sometimes it was nice to forget all that and just feel like a child. Innocent and carefree.
And when I couldn’t feel like that, all I had to do was look at Hunter. Because while he may have been responsible for my first real look at the world, what he always failed to realize was that he also showed me that good men like him could prevail. He showed me strength… and I saw that now as he stood there waiting for me, smiling at my happiness.
The world was dark, we couldn’t avoid that, but not everyone got someone like Hunter, not everyone got that kind of light. So regardless of what he thought, he gave me more than he ever took away.
I slowly walked toward him. His smile fell away and as soon as I was close enough, he reached out and pulled me into him, kissing me in my doorway, the soothing sound of the rain as our backdrop, until I was dizzy with need.
Putting my hands on his chest, I pulled away.
“O-okay, I should get going,” I whispered. He smirked and let go, his hands raised in surrender. The shudder that ran through me sobered him up and he peeked into my room to look at the clock. It was almost three o’clock.
“I’ll pick you up at five?”
I couldn’t help but laugh at his question. “I thought only senior citizens ate that early.”
He grinned. “Yes, and a guy who wants to spend as much time with his girl as possible.”