In the villa, I stood before Nathanial and waited to hear what he had to say. He frowned and stared at me.
‘I hope I’m not making a mistake.’ He lifted the brown satchel. ‘We, the Andartes, are very short of firepower but I’m giving you your own weapon, little one. It’s a 1910 Browning.’ He thrust the leather bag towards me. ‘I want you to remember that this gun is the same as the firearm that killed Archduke Franz Ferdinand.’ He recognised the shock on my face. ‘Yes, Dora, a single shot from a pistol identical to this, started the Great War. A conflict that took the lives of millions.’
‘I understand what you’re saying. A gun can have huge and irreversible consequences.’
‘Look after it, use it wisely, and above all, don’t let either the gun or the crate fall into enemy hands.’
‘I won’t, I swear.’
‘You will leave before first light. Xanthi is at the hut. She’ll mind your sister while Irini takes you to Kapitanos Nikos.’
I nodded, unable to come up with anything to say.
‘Now, you’re dismissed. I’ll send directions in the morning and you’ll hear from me again when I’ve a job for you.’
He turned to Giovanni, who sat by the door. ‘Take her back.’
*
Giovanni slung the bag with the gun over his shoulder. I longed to inspect it. The crate had a rope handle on either side and together we carried it through the woods.
At the hut, Evangelisa had cooked more potatoes. ‘Another amazing job. Well done!’ I said, embarrassed by the way she beamed lapping up the flattery. I must praise her more often. I guessed the stranger eating with them was Xanthi.
‘We leave an hour before dawn,’ I told Irini before sitting to eat.
She threw me a quizzical look.
‘You have to give me a riding lesson this afternoon. We must take Zeus with us tomorrow.’ I sensed she was unhappy. If only we had some privacy, I longed to tell her all that had happened, but Xanthi and Evangelisa stayed close.
Irini nodded. ‘Am I going with you?’
‘I don’t really know the details. We’ll find out in the morning.’ Flustered that my best friend had asked me a question I couldn’t answer, I continued, ‘I guess you’ll have to take me this time because I can’t ride well enough to control the horse for long.’
‘What’s in the box?’ she said, lifting her chin towards the bed where the crate was stashed.
I shrugged. ‘No idea.’
We always shared our secrets. Her face fell, and I got a sinking feeling in my stomach. ‘Irini, I want to explain everything, but I can’t. For your sake. It’s dangerous. My only instructions are that we must be ready and wait for Giovanni.’
Xanthi was pleasant enough, and it was obvious Evangelisa liked her. She glowed with admiration, which made me smile. I noticed Xanthi looked more like Evangelisa than I did, both in height and build. Pleased Evangelisa had a new friend, it occurred to me she’d probably been lonely since we left home and her school friends. I must try to be a better sister.
Nathanial told me the best way to establish my authority was to give orders right away, so I did.
‘Xanthi and Evangelisa, take care of the dishes and clean up. Irini, saddle the horse. Please.’ I said boldly although my insides were shaking. If they rejected my instructions, I’d be left looking stupid and ashamed.
‘Giovanni, I’ll meet you under the cinnamon tree at sundown.’
Irini flicked a glance of disdain my way.
I’m sorry, Irini!
I found her scorn hard to take and lowered my eyes. She marched off to fetch Zeus.
*
‘Keep your heels down!’ Irini shouted.
I pulled my toes up and pushed against the stirrups. ‘Straight back!’ she yelled as if she hated me. The atmosphere was dreadful and I didn’t know what to do about it.
‘Irini . . .’ I called.
‘Don’t talk. Concentrate. Tap his belly with your heels, and squeeze with your knees to urge him on.’
Irini stood in the middle of the clearing with Zeus on a long rope.
Once in the saddle, I tried to remember the things Danial had taught me, but because I had wounded Irini so badly, I found it hard to focus. ‘Irini, I’m sorry. Really!’
She lifted her face and, just before she turned it away, I noticed her chin quiver.
Irini was more than a friend – more than a sister. I loved her so much, and now I’d hurt her deeply. My own tears were on the brink.
I wanted to tell her everything, but that would put her in danger. Nathanial warned me, and I understood he wasn’t the sort to make an empty threat.
Xanthi and Evangelisa came to watch. Wretched, I realised I couldn’t explain anything in front of them.
After the lesson, we ate the last of the potatoes and bread, and a dish of wild greens that Xanthi and my sister had prepared. An awkward silence hung over the meal.
‘Delicious.’ I said. ‘That was the best salad ever!’ Evangelisa and Xanthi grinned at each other. Irini stared at the floor, and I recalled she’d made the same food a few days back and I hadn’t commented.
‘The way your cooking skills are improving, you’ll soon be as good as Irini.’
Irini looked up. I touched her arm. ‘I have to meet Giovanni and find out about tomorrow.’
‘I’ll come with you.’ She followed me outside. ‘You shouldn’t be going into the woods by yourself. It’ll be dark in half an hour.’
Our eyes met. She was testing me.
‘Sorry, honestly, but I have to go alone.’ I tried to catch her eye, but she stared at Xanthi and Evangelisa, who were dragging the blanket over the bushes to give it an airing.
‘You’ll leave me stuck here with them, again?’ She sat on the log, her hands between her knees and her head bowed. ‘I miss my parents and my sister. I wish I’d gone with them.’
‘Stop it! Never say that!’ I grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. ‘We have to do everything we can to end the war, then our families will return to Rhodes. You know it. Don’t be so childish!’ I shouted.
Her eyes filled with pain and her face crumpled. ‘We were such good friends, Dora, really close, no secrets, but now I’ve become invisible. You’re more interested in Giovanni. I do everything I can to help, but you can’t even say thanks. You’ve hurt me by taking me for granted and abandoning our friendship.’ She sighed, silent for a moment. ‘I’m so terribly lonely, Dora, and you are breaking my heart.’
I blinked at her, shocked. Had I really behaved so badly? I considered the past weeks, and realised that she spoke the truth. I stared at the ground, ashamed, then sat beside her and slipped my arm around her drooping shoulders.
‘It’s true; I do take you for granted, but not in a nasty way. I take you for granted like I take my own heart for granted. It’s there, beating away, keeping me going, keeping me alive. I don’t even think about it, but without it I’m dust. Without you, Irini, I’m lifeless.’ I had to pause, swallow hard and fight to keep my voice steady. I turned towards her and recognised the sadness in her face. It cut me up.
‘Please . . . I am so sorry. I didn’t realise I’d been so selfish. I’ve been so wrapped up in the Andartes’ plans trying to get the war to end. I’m desperate for my family to come back, and I want your loved ones to return too, but without you, Irini, I can’ do it. I long to tell you what happened with the rebels, but if I do, they swore they’d kill me and the person I told, in the most horrible way. So, much as I want, I dare not risk it. You’re too precious to me.’
She nodded and sniffed hard. ‘What’s going to happen to us, Dora? Are you in love with Giovanni? I’m so mixed up, confused about my feelings. Perhaps it’s jealousy, but I don’t want to share you with him.’ She shook her head adamantly. ‘Whatever it is, when you’re with Giovanni, it’s so painful for me. Really cuts me up.’ She stared at her hands. ‘When he kissed me in the woods, I wanted it to be amazing, but it wasn’t anything. When I kiss you, it’s like my moon goes into orbit. I realise that sounds mad, but I can’t explain it any other way.’
I felt terrible because I too was all mixed up inside. ‘I don’t know if it’s love,’ I said. ‘It is something crazy, and sexy, and insane, and magical. I can’t fight it. But it’s very different from what we have.’ I placed my hand on her cheek and turned her face towards me. Her sad eyes came to meet mine and suddenly everything became clear. ‘I love you, Irini. I truly love you, and I will until my dying day. Nothing can change that. Right now, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’ I had to be completely honest with her, even though I understood my words might be hurtful. ‘I don’t know where this is going with Giovanni. Perhaps it will fizzle out, but I can’t ignore it any more than I can explain it. I’m powerless to resist the chemistry between me and him. At times it seems to be swallowing me up, but try as I may, I can’t fight it.’
‘That’s another thing that upsets me, the fighting. You will never end the war by yourself, Dora. Do you really want to risk your life for the Andartes? Because that is what you’re doing. It’s terrible waiting here, wondering if you’ve been caught committing some crazy sabotage.’ She sighed. ‘They will shoot you if they catch you, Dora. You can’t seem to understand the danger you put yourself in.’
‘But I have to try, I . . . It’s for Papa . . . He gave me life, and I owe him mine.’
‘No, you don’t! What you owe him is to be safe. You owe him grandchildren, a happy life, a well-kept home for your family — all those things that made his upbringing of you worthwhile. How would you feel if your daughter had herself killed for your sake? You wouldn’t want it, not now, not ever, no matter what the circumstances.’ Irini sighed. ‘I worry each time you leave that I may never see you again, and you can’t even be bothered to say goodbye to me.’
Her words touched my heart. I had hurt her so much. ‘Oh, Irini, I am sorry. I didn’t realise how awful I was being. It’s just . . . what if the war ends the day after they’ve all been executed.’ I squeezed my eyes closed. ‘I go mad worrying about it. I imagine being shot in the head. Do you think it hurts?’ She was silent for a moment, then a sob shuddered through her body. I pulled her to me. She pushed her face against my neck and cried, and I held her until she calmed.
‘If they do shoot them,’ she said,’ I hope they’re together. I hope Papa is holding Mama and my sister in his arms, the way you hold me.’ She started sobbing again. ‘Oh, Dora, what can we do? We mustn’t let it happen!’
‘I wish you could understand, Irini. I would blame myself for the rest of my life if they died. I can’t allow it. We must find a way to speed up the end of the war. I swear to be a better friend and be with you for eternity. I didn’t realise I was being so terrible.’ I leaned forward and turned to look into her face. ‘Say you’ll always be my best friend, Irini, that you’ll love me forever, as I love you. Please tell me you forgive me.’
Her eyes, still swimming with tears, met mine. She nodded and then stared at the ground. ‘I want to be more help,’ she said. ‘Will you ask Nathanial? I have to make sure you’re safe and, if the worst happens, I wish to die at your side.’
‘Please don’t talk like that,’ I lifted her chin. ‘We’re not going to get killed, because we’re invincible, aren’t we, corporal?
She smiled sadly. ‘If you say so, kapitanessa.’
I promised I would speak to the Andartes leader. Silently, we re-arranged the bed so that Evangelisa and Xanthi slept at the bottom, and Irini and I took the top, packed like sardines in a can. The arrangement suited us fine, so long as nobody snuggled down too far so the other end got a pair of sweaty feet in their face. We made a new rule: everyone had to wash their feet before they got into bed.
*
A long and difficult day has come to an end. Eager to bring my diary up to date, and desperate for an uninterrupted night’s sleep, I’m writing this at the spring. The sun is setting over the monastery, a glorious sight to see. The sky was golden when I arrived. In a matter of minutes, it has turned orange and then red, washing everything around me in warm light. The air is still, and the usual woodland sounds have died, leaving me with an odd feeling that the world waits for something enormous and uplifting.
I have mixed feelings about leaving my companions, Irini, Giovanni, and Evangelisa. I will miss them, but I look forward to having a little time just for myself. The challenge of learning to shoot excites me.
Friday, 4 August 1944
Dear diary, just a few lines before I leave for the mud tunnels. I woke trembling and afraid for no apparent reason, The air in the hut was damp and stuffy. I lay in the dark trying to recall my nightmare, without success, then I slipped out of bed and sat outside. Being grown-up isn’t all I imagined it to be. Suddenly, everything is serious with consequences I had never considered. Responsibility was a weight I hadn’t foreseen and was even less prepared for.