Bubba slept, a gentle smile softening the contours of her face. Rebecca smiled too; she felt good about encouraging her grandmother through the exhausting exercises. Although her aim had been to help Bubba become a little stronger, she had an odd sensation of subterfuge, tables turned. As if Bubba had actually put Rebecca through some kind of mental workout. She pondered their conversation as the rug fell between them.
She had just picked up the diary when the phone rang.
‘Hi, it’s me,’ Naomi said. ‘Is everything all right? I’d like to take you up on your offer and have a coffee with Heleny and Marina. We’re working on a blog for Pandora’s Box.’
Rebecca stifled a giggle at the idea of her sister becoming computer savvy. ‘Yes, everything’s fine. We’ve done Bubba’s exercises and she’s asleep again, exhausted, poor love.’
‘But she did all her workout this morning. She’s not usually so forgetful.’
Rebecca frowned and glanced at the rug. ‘Ah well, I guess she had her reasons for wanting to do them again. Anyway, take as much time as you want, you deserve a break. I’m about to have half an hour with the diary.’
‘Great, see you later. Bye.’
Rebecca settled in her grandmother’s armchair and opened Bubba’s journal.
Saturday, 19 August 1944
I arrived at Mount Filerimos, eager to be with Irini and Evangelisa. I’d never been away from them for so long before and needed their affectionate hugs and kisses. Yet, when I returned, I sensed something had changed between us. While they were friendly, they seemed to be holding back. Particularly Irini. An atmosphere of shyness hung over our embraces, and for a short time I saw myself as an intruder. ‘Is everything all right?’ I asked.
She nodded, her eyes doleful, shifting to the ground and then to me. ‘Did you miss me?’ she said in a strange way, and I wasn’t sure if she was being sarcastic.
‘Of course. What do you think?’
She shrugged. ‘What’s going to happen to us, Dora?’
‘I’ve no idea. I only know that with every day that passes it becomes more crucial for this war to end soon, because irreversible things are happening in faraway places.’
All through our meal, Evangelisa and Xanthi quizzed me about learning to use the pistol.
‘Won’t you be too afraid?’ Xanthi asked. ‘I mean, if you have to shoot somebody – end their life. I’d find it terrifying. Imagine who that person might be . . . somebody’s father or brother. Wouldn’t you compare their family to your own? I couldn’t do it.’
‘Just thinking about it scares me to death,’ Evangelisa added.
‘Enough! You’re not helping me. I really don’t want to consider it!’ I pushed myself away from the table. ‘And you’d better not repeat what I’ve told you. It’s secret!’ I stormed out of the hut, turned, and barged back in. ‘I must report to Nathanial tomorrow and he said I would be shot if I repeated anything to anyone at all.’ I stopped to let the statement sink in. Their eyes were fixed on me when I continued. ‘And the person I spoke to would also be killed in the most horrible way! You three with your constant nagging have put us all in danger!’
I’d hardly slept the night before, asking myself the same things. Could I kill somebody again? I shouldn’t have talked about it, but tiredness and their relentless questions got the better of me.
It’s an odd thing, but as I’m bringing my diary up to date, it dawns on me that when you write things down, everything becomes clearer. I realise now, it was wrong of me to talk to my friends about the relationship I had with the Andartes. And, I really should have shown more affection to Evangelisa right from the start, as I am all the family she has at the moment and she is still very much a child. Now that I read back, I also see that I have taken Irini’s love and loyalty for granted, and I am ashamed of myself.
I can’t change the past, but the past can change me. I can and will learn from my mistakes. I will try to be a better person, and give more to my loyal and loving companions in the future.
Sunday, 20 August 1944
Dear Diary, Giovanni arrived at the hut eager to accompany me to the Andartes this morning. As always, we made the most of our time alone together and eventually emerged from the woods breathless and blushing. We both needed a moment to recompose before facing Nathanial.
Once we had pushed through the final wall of trees, Giovanni reached for my hand. In the afternoon breeze, we stood and gazed at the mansion that we believed had once belonged to a great sea captain. Mesmerised by the overpowering beauty of the ancient building, I felt Giovanni’s hand tighten around mine, and knew he was equally fascinated by the Venetian villa.
The shutters on the upper floor were open and, for a moment, the rising sun was reflected, golden, in the windows, shining like some great, fat, Buda in the depths of the forest, happy to see us.
Then, with a shift in the breeze, slender tree shadows swayed across the dusty pink walls and the building took on a different appearance. Something green, leafy, and fragile had caught hold in the high gutter and trailed its fern-like foliage down the timeworn façade, like the delicate veil of a blushing bride. I was drawn to the cream balustrades of the Juliet balcony and imagined myself up there, gazing upon my beloved Romeo.
‘One day, I’ll have a house like this. It’s my dream,’ Giovanni whispered. He let go of my hand and slipped his arm around my waist. ‘What’s your secret dream?’
I turned to face him, our eyes met and I wanted to melt against his body. ‘I think you know that already.’
He kissed me chastely on the lips and nodded. ‘We’d better go inside, Nathanial’s waiting.’
*
We found the leader of the Andartes in a pleasant mood. ‘I’ve had good reports from Kapitanos Nikos, little one,’ he said. ‘You were brave at Seven Springs, and added two more weapons to our cache. Also, in the bamboo grove, I hear you were very quick-thinking. Now, I want to hear about what happened in your own words.’
I hesitated. Was this a test? ‘I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘The shooting? The snake? Kapitanos Nikos?’
‘With respect, sir, I don’t know anyone with that name, or anything about a shooting or a snake. You must have me confused with somebody else.’
Nathanial roared with laughter. ‘Be ready for fresh instructions. I want you prepared to leave in an instant.’
Giovanni walked me back to the hut, always by a different route. Before parting, we arranged to meet under the cinnamon tree that evening. I had dreamed about returning to our special place, and my body tingled with excitement, longing for his touch and his kisses.
I bathed at the spring and removed the splint from my wrist, although it still ached. I held a teaspoon of honey in my mouth for as long as possible, making sure he would never taste a sweeter kiss. Then, I hurried through the trees, eager for his caresses.
He wasn’t there.
I was staring at the cinnamon tree, when a pair of hands slid over my eyes.
‘Guess who?’
I caught my breath. ‘Giovanni!’
He wrapped his arms around me, trapping mine by my sides, then he kissed the back of my neck. ‘I’ve missed you,’ he said, turning me and kissing me on the lips.
I stood on my toes and pressed my mouth against his, my legs trembling. He pulled away, sucking his lip. ‘Mmm, kisses flavoured with honey. Are you cold? You’re shaking.’
I shook my head.
He pulled me into his arms. My body seemed transported on the wings of Eros. I pressed against him, burning with desire to be closer. I held him tightly but then cried out as pain shot up my arm.
‘What’s the matter?’ he asked.
‘No, nothing, it’s my wrist. I took the splint off.’ I clutched it to my chest. ‘It still hurts sometimes.’
‘Come on. I’ll roll you a cigarette.’
We sat together, our backs against the tree, smoking the herb-scented cigarette. As discomfort drifted away, euphoria moved in. He nuzzled my ear. Such powerful urges raced through me. I longed to have his skin against mine.
‘Kiss me again?’ I whispered.
He half closed his eyes. ‘I want more than a kiss, Dora. I can’t get you out of my mind. You’ve managed to take over my heart too.’
His words thrilled me. ‘Behave, Shepherd Boy,’ I said, enjoying his wide smile. We kissed under the cinnamon tree, and my passion found new highs. A glut of emotion, tingling, intoxicating, and urgent seemed to envelop my body. My head buzzed like the air before a lightning strike, during a thunderstorm. Aware that Giovanni was equally excited, I was both afraid and exhilarated by such powerful sensations.
Giovanni took off his shirt and pulled me against his bare chest. My heart pounded.
Momentarily, I sensed the shepherd was also unsure of himself. We both ventured into unknown territory. Passionate about each other, we tried to bridle our desire, but nature tugged at the reigns and we found it difficult to keep our feelings, and actions, under control. We seemed to be kissing for hours. Tremors raced through me, and I loved each moment, becoming bolder and more intimate by the minute.
On our backs, side by side under the cinnamon tree, we took a calming break. He had explored every centimetre of my body, and I, his. I had ached for hands to slide under my clothes, to places that had never been touched before.
I didn’t understand my own feelings. I wanted him so badly, yearning to have him inside me, yet scared of reaching that point of no return. Afraid he would hurt me. Afraid he would take my heart and my virginity and leave me alone once more.
I would die if that happened.
We watched the moon slide over the treetops. It passed its zenith and was heading for the western horizon. ‘I should go.’ I didn’t want to. ‘It must be around four.’
‘Then you may as well stay,’ he said, reaching over and pulling me on top of him. His mouth was against my ear, his breath tickling my neck. ‘I’ve had crazy thoughts about you since that first kiss, Dora. Tell me you feel the same.’
In his arms, everything was forgotten. Encompassed by love and happiness, my emotions were soon drenched in passion for Giovanni. I was hot and wet and insanely burning up with feelings stronger than I had ever known. By the time the sun rose, my innocence had flown like a moth in the night, destroyed by outrageous flames of desire. Beneath the cinnamon tree, Giovanni Pastore made love to me, and I made love to him.
I am certain, I will never love another man as long as I live.
Late on Monday, 21 August 1944
I can’t get to sleep. Earlier today, Evangelisa’s insatiable curiosity about what I was doing for the Andartes drove me mad. She’s always asking questions and I wonder if Xanthi is prompting her. To be honest, the idea of killing again horrifies me. No matter how evil a person was, I doubt I could coldly execute them. That terrible moment at the lakeside keeps going around in my head, then I think of Papa. If murdering someone evil saves my father’s life, as it did Giovanni’s, I will not hesitate.
With that sorted out in my mind, I can finally relax, close my diary, and go to sleep.
Wednesday, 23 August 1944
I am in the hut, writing by the light of the oil lamp. My companions are asleep, and I am also very tired, but I want to get this into my diary before I go to bed myself.
This evening, I met Giovanni under the cinnamon tree. Perhaps all the talk about killing had unsettled me, but for the first time since Irini and I fetched Zeus from town, I was spooked. I kept looking behind me as I passed through the woods, sure someone followed; watching me.
Giovanni spread a blanket. We have made love whenever the chance arose, and my days and nights are filled with sweet longing for the shepherd boy. These feelings are in conflict with the love I feel for Irini. I’ve had no time alone with her since the day I came back from Kapitanos Nikos.
Irini never complains. Occasionally I catch the sadness in her eyes, or the way she swiftly turns away, or her sudden ending of a sentence. I sense she is biding her time, knowing her turn will come, yet I also suspect that she suffers great pain each time I skulk off into the woods to meet Giovanni.
However, earlier this evening I could not relax. I told Giovanni I suspected we were being watched. He marched around the pine trees and, when he returned, insisted we were alone. Still, I pushed him away when he attempted to undo my dress.
‘There’s someone out there; I sense it,’ I whispered and although I could not explain why, I kept thinking of Irini.
‘It’s your imagination,’ he said. ‘But if you don’t want to love me tonight, you needn’t make excuses.’ He kissed the side of my neck. ‘I’ll never ask you to do anything you don’t want, Dora.’ He gazed into my eyes and I was filled with love and longing. He stroked my back, pulling me against him, and I realised I wanted to be with him always, whatever lay ahead for us.
I whispered into his ear, ‘I’ve fallen in love with you, Giovanni Pastore. I can’t imagine life without you.’ I pressed my mouth against his.
After a minute, he brushed my hair away from my face, and lifting my chin he said, ‘I feel the same way about you, Dora. I can’t get you out of my mind. When the war is over, I want to—’
At that moment, I heard movement in the bushes and my body stiffened.
‘You were right,’ Giovanni whispered. ‘Do you have your gun with you?’
‘No. What shall we do? I’m afraid.’
‘We can pretend we didn’t notice anything and see what happens . . . or we can make a run for it.’
‘Let’s wait. Hopefully they’ll go away, then we should hurry back.’
A twig snapped, a rustle of branches, then it went quiet. We could hear ourselves breathing. He counted into my ear. On three, we abandoned the blanket, raced through the woods, and arrived at the hut scratched and panting. I slipped into the room and lit the oil lamp while Giovanni checked out back.
When he joined me, he glanced towards the bed. ‘Is everybody all right?’
I nodded. ‘Sleeping soundly.’
‘There’s a leaf in your hair.’ He plucked the stray greenery. ‘Before I forget: tomorrow you must ride to Kamiros Scala and wait near the beach for instructions. Be there by five in the evening, and remember your gun,’ he whispered.
‘I want to ask you something.’
We sat together at the low table with our backs to the bed. Giovanni took my hand. ‘What is it?’
‘Where do you think they are now? Our parents, my family?’ He didn’t answer. ‘They are still alive, aren’t they? I mean, they couldn’t . . .’ I could not say more. My pain and dread were overwhelming. Lately, when I tried to talk to Papa in my mind, it seemed he wasn’t there at all. Would I sense it, if they had died?
Papa!
‘Please tell me what you know, Giovanni. Don’t leave anything out.’
After a moment he said, ‘A man escaped from a Nazi work camp in Poland, Auschwitz. He was almost dead, starved. He told the newspapers they were killing thousands of Jews in that place, every day. But he could have been lying.’
‘Why would the Poles kill the Jews?’
‘No. It’s the Austrians and Germans who’s doin’ the killing.’
‘How? Are they shooting them?’
‘Shush. You’ll wake them.’ He nodded towards the bed.
‘If they are, I’ll go out and shoot as many Germans and Austrians as I have bullets.’
Giovanni shook his head. ‘Look, the man also said they had big rooms where the sick were taken. They changed the air and put them all to sleep.’
‘What, like a hospital you mean?’
He looked into my eyes for a moment, and then nodded.
I pictured Mama and her bad legs, and old Uncle Levi and his crooked spine. Tears broke free and ran down my face. I imagined Aunt Martha wearing her fine hairnet and red lipstick, and the fox fur around her neck. I could see them in their hospital beds, with starched sheets and fat pillows, falling peacefully asleep without even saying goodbye to each other.
If I believed any of it, I’d go mad from the anguish. Besides, Papa and Danial would discover what was going on, and they wouldn’t allow such a thing.
‘He probably made it up to get money from the papers.’ Giovanni said.
I nodded. ‘You must leave. I’ll see you when I return.’
At the door, he took me in his arms and kissed me, tenderly at first but then harder until he was trembling. He held me tightly and very still. His breath heaved in my ear and his body pressed against mine.
‘I want you so badly,’ I whispered.
Evangelisa turned over and opened her eyes. ‘What are you doing?’ she asked.
Giovanni winked at me before slipping out into the night.