26 November 2015
My Thanksgiving nightmare began with family pictures.
Mom forced me and Charlie to wear white button-down oxford shirts tucked into jeans, while she, Nana, and Zooey wore white sundresses. We looked like a cult on our way to the beach, where Mom was convinced we’d find the perfect backdrop somewhere among the dunes. I spent the entire walk trying to devise an excuse to escape family dinner so I could go to Diego’s barbecue. He’d sent me a couple of texts, but I hadn’t written back.
“Why are we doing this again?” I asked.
“Because I want a nice photo of us all together.” Mom had been chain-smoking all morning, puffing and ashing with violent flicks. Bonding over illegal drugs hadn’t magically solved our problems. Mom hadn’t woken up the next day and decided to quit waitressing. However, she had planned a more elaborate Thanksgiving dinner than usual, so maybe that was something.
“Well, I think this is really special,” Zooey said. She carried her sandals dangling from the ends of her fingers. “And when we take this picture next year, we’ll have little Milo or Mia with us.”
“Mia or Milo? Please don’t saddle your child with either of those names. It’s already starting at a disadvantage having Charlie as a father.”
Charlie lunged at me, but I hopped out of the way. Zooey chuckled. “We’re only trying out names to see how they fit. Nothing is certain.”
Nothing was certain. Not even that we’d be alive next year. Last night I dreamed I was on the ship, but rather than aliens, I was surrounded by Mom, Nana, Charlie and Zooey, Audrey, Diego, Marcus. Even Officer Sandoval was there. They were screaming at me to press the button, but none of them could offer a convincing reason why I should. And we were all speaking Latin because, apparently, I’m fluent in Latin in my dreams.
After walking for twenty minutes, Mom finally found her perfect spot. Tufts of sea oats waved gently in the breeze, and the blue sky was smeared with white clouds to match our outfits.
“Mother, I want you in front.” Mom directed us into position as she set up the tripod and camera. When Charlie attempted to help her, she snapped at him. “And Henry, don’t forget to put your tongue behind your teeth when you smile; otherwise, you look goofy.”
“Where’s your father?” Nana squawked, and each time she did, Charlie whispered something into her ear to calm her, but it never stuck. Nana was lost in time, and I wished I could have traveled with her. Sometimes her ignorance of the present was a blessing, whether she knew it or not.
“Ready? Let’s try not to screw this up.” Mom pressed the timer on the camera and dashed to take her place between me and Charlie.
“Say ‘cruel and unusual punishment,’” I muttered.
Charlie laughed and ruined the picture, and Mom dressed me down in front of the strangers who’d gathered to witness our group humiliation.
By the time Mom was satisfied she’d gotten the shot she wanted, my shirt was stuck to my back, and I’d been forced to wear a fake smile for so long that my lips were stiff. We were a dour group that trudged back to the house, and the first thing Mom did when we arrived was uncork a bottle of wine, fill the glasses, and pass them around.
It was a tradition in our house to binge on bad disaster movies instead of football or parades. Watching the world end in various, ever more ludicrous ways sanded the jagged edges off the day. We made it through Runaway Gamma-Rays and three bottles of wine before Mom started yelling.
“What did you do? I can’t believe this! Are you stupid?”
Dulled by wine and lethargy, my reflexes were sluggish, but I scrambled off the couch and stumbled into the kitchen. Black smoke belched from the oven, and Nana stood beside it, looking dazed. “You were cooking it wrong. I added salt to your stuffing too. You never add enough salt.”
I grabbed Nana by the crook of her arm and led her out of the way while Mom threw open the oven door, releasing a gob of smoke that immediately set off the smoke alarm. The pulsating squeal made my brain throb.
Charlie shoved past me, frantic and confused. When he saw the blackened turkey smoldering in the oven, he grabbed two dish towels and hauled the bird into the backyard, where he unceremoniously lobbed it into the canal.
“What the hell are you doing?” Mom screamed, following after him.
“Keeping the house from burning down.”
“I could have salvaged that!”
Charlie dropped the roasting pan. “A Thanksgiving miracle couldn’t have saved that.”
Mom was shaking with rage. “Will someone shut that goddamn alarm off!”
Zooey said, “I’ll open the windows,” and tugged my sleeve, motioning for me to help. I climbed onto a chair and yanked the alarm out of the ceiling, but it kept shrieking until I popped the battery out as well. The house was smoky and smelled like charred turkey. Zooey tried to laugh it off after she’d opened the windows and brought the fan from Charlie’s bedroom into the kitchen to help blow the smoke out. “All we do at my house is smile politely and trade passive-aggressive compliments.”
I peeked my head outside but wished I hadn’t. Mom and Charlie were going at it for the whole neighborhood to hear.
“I’m not the one who cranked the oven to five hundred degrees!” The muscles on the sides of Charlie’s throat bulged, and he was sweating profusely.
“You had one job, Charlie! One job! Keep Mother away from the food. You couldn’t even do that, and now we have no dinner. Thank you. Thank you very much.”
Charlie stormed inside and pulled Zooey toward the front door. “I’m done. We’re going to your parents’ house.”
“But they’re not expecting us until three.”
“Then we’ll be early.”
Nana shuffled to me and held my arm. I didn’t notice she was crying until she sniffled and wiped her nose with a crumpled tissue she produced from her pocket. “I only meant to help.”
“I know, Nana, but I don’t think anyone can help this family.”
• • •
Diego arrived to pick me up wearing a tacky Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts, and didn’t look embarrassed by either. “Is there a dress code?” I asked.
“Yes, but don’t worry, I can loan you a shirt.” Diego waited until I’d buckled my seat belt before taking off.
I didn’t know if Diego was joking about the dress code, but I would have worn clown shoes and a tutu to get out of my house. After Charlie and Zooey left, Nana passed out on the couch and Mom disappeared into her bedroom with a bottle of Chardonnay. “I’ve never been to a Thanksgiving barbecue before.”
Diego hadn’t stopped grinning since I’d gotten in the car. I even thought I’d heard him grinning over the phone when I’d called him to ask if the invitation was still open. “It’s Viv’s anti-Thanksgiving celebration.”
“Who’s going to be there?”
“Mostly Viv’s work friends. They’re cool, though.”
“Anything’s better than my house.”
“Yeah, so what happened?”
As we drove to Diego’s house, I told him the whole miserable story. It sounded worse the second time. “The problem is, I think my mom might be right about putting Nana in a nursing home. What happens when she actually does burn down the house? What if she decides to cook while we’re sleeping, and we die of smoke inhalation?”
“All the more reason not to press that button, yeah?”
“I guess.” Except, when I was with Diego, the button was the last thing on my mind.
We pulled up to a ranch house painted the color of key lime pie. The shutters were white with pineapple cutouts in the center, and the front yard was meticulously manicured. It threw off a vibe that said: Come in! Relax! Don’t track dirt on the floors!
Diego parked on the swale and motioned for me to follow him inside. It was even more colorful than the outside. The living room felt like a Key West bed-and-breakfast, complete with a stuffed sailfish mounted on the wall above a wicker sofa set upholstered in palm-tree-patterned fabric. Everything—the lamps, the entertainment center, the picture frames—was island themed. The only thing missing was steel drum music in the background.
“This is . . . unique.”
Diego chuckled. “Viv kinda went overboard, but she wanted it to look as different from home as possible.” I didn’t know what a typical house in Colorado looked like, but it probably wasn’t this. “Viv? You home?”
“Valentín? Is that you?”
“Valentín?”
“Don’t ask.” Diego led me into the kitchen. The counters were loaded with cut vegetables, and Diego’s sister stood by the sink, shucking corn. She was tall and curvy, with a devious gleam in her eyes. She and Diego looked so different from each other, and yet there was no mistaking they were siblings.
“Viv, this is Henry. Henry, my sister, Viviana.” Diego stole a cherry tomato from a ceramic bowl, and Viv smacked his ear.
Viviana smiled and offered me her hand, which was damp but strong. “Nice to meet you, Henry Denton. Valentín never shuts up about you.”
“Why do you keep calling him Valentín?”
“That’s his name.”
“My name is Diego.”
Viviana rolled her eyes as she checked a pot of something on the stove. She moved like an acrobat but spoke like a car salesperson. “Your middle name is Diego.” Her face tightened, and a look passed between them. “May I have a moment alone with my brother?”
“You can hang out in my room.” Diego motioned toward the living room. “It’s down the hall. I’ll be there in a minute.”
I’d stumbled into something I didn’t understand. Maybe I should have stayed home, where I could have hidden in my room and pretended it was any day other than Thanksgiving, but I was already there, so I walked back through the living room and down the hall, peeking into each room. There was a tidy bathroom decorated with peach seashells, a bedroom with a four-poster bed that I suspected belonged to Viviana, and two rooms at the end of the hall. Both doors were closed, so I chose the one on the right.
It was definitely not Diego’s bedroom. The smell of paint and turpentine blanketed the air, and diffuse light streamed through the windows. The room lacked furniture, but countless paintings hung on the walls. So many that hardly any naked wall remained. It was overwhelming and beautiful, and I stood in the center of the room, trying to absorb it all.
An oil painting of a raven clawing its way out of a young boy’s chest caught my attention. The boy was sprawled on a frozen lake, his eyes white and blind, his mouth open in a last word. What clothes he wore were shredded and soaked with blood and saliva. The bird emerging from the boy’s chest looked toward the sky. Its wings were spread as if preparing to fly, and its hooked talons pierced the boy’s heart. But it wasn’t the gore or broken ribs or the frozen heart that disturbed me. It was the last word. The raven was going to strand it on the boy’s lips. It seemed beyond cruel to leave the word behind where no one would ever hear it.
“I see you’ve found the museum.”
I turned around, too awed to feel guilty. “I didn’t mean to snoop.”
Diego leaned against the doorway, his hands in his pockets. “What’s the point of going to a stranger’s house if you’re not going to poke around?”
Even though he didn’t seem upset, I was still embarrassed. “This is brilliant.” I pointed at the raven painting.
“Yeah, it’s okay.” Diego motioned toward a smaller painting on the adjacent wall. It was crowded by the work surrounding it, and I wouldn’t have noticed it if he hadn’t pointed it out. “This one’s my favorite.”
It was a portrait, but the subject had no skin. No, that’s not accurate. Some frayed ribbons of skin were still stuck to the muscle, as if the subject had been flayed hastily by someone who hadn’t cared enough to do it properly. A gaping hole yawned where the nose should have been, and the bulging eyes gazed heavenward and to the left at something or someone off the edge of the canvas.
“Self-portrait,” Diego said after a moment of quiet.
I had to tear my eyes from it. “That’s you?” Diego nodded. “That’s what you see when you look in the mirror?”
Diego said, “It was when I painted that.”
“Who tore your skin off?”
“I tore it off myself.”
“Why?”
Diego sighed, and I wasn’t sure he was going to answer, but then he said, “Snakes get to shed their skin, why shouldn’t we?”
“But why would you want to shed your skin?” I couldn’t stop staring at the painting, looking for any detail that would give me insight into the real Diego Vega. If his paintings were any indication, then there was more to him than I imagined.
“Because sometimes it’s easier to start over with a clean slate than to drag the baggage of your past with you wherever you go.”
“What do you see when you look in the mirror now?”
Diego pointed at a charcoal drawing. It was larger and more prominently displayed. The background was unfinished, and it wasn’t exactly a portrait. It was just a portion of a shoulder and the back of Diego’s head as if he were walking out of the painting. “I painted that on the happiest day of my life.”
“What’d you paint on the worst day of your life?”
“The one you like.”
The real Diego was hanging on these walls, but I didn’t know how to reconcile the images of agony and anger with the boy who’d tried to show me the stars and loved my mother’s fried chicken and who’d screamed his name from the apex of the Ferris wheel. I wanted to know what secrets Diego was hiding under his ever-changing wardrobe and disarming smile, but I didn’t know how to ask. I didn’t know if I even had the right to ask.
“I could paint you sometime.”
“I’m afraid to ask what you see when you look at me.” I wondered if he saw Henry Denton or Space Boy, or if there was even a difference anymore.
“You wouldn’t believe me.”
I could have spent days examining Diego’s paintings, peeling back the layers for meaning, searching for insight into what drove him, but even though we were surrounded by bits and pieces of Diego’s naked soul, I was the one who felt exposed. “Is everything cool with your sister?”
Diego nodded. “Of course.”
“You didn’t tell her I was coming, did you?”
“I might have forgotten to mention it.”
If he was in trouble, he didn’t let on. “So . . . is that your room across the hall?”
Diego seemed as eager to leave the gallery as I was to stay, and he shut the door behind us. His bedroom was the only one in the house that didn’t look like it had been lifted out of a Tommy Bahama catalog. His twin bed sat unmade in the corner with the blankets and pillows piled in the center, clothes adorned every surface—pants on the floor, shirts hanging off the edge of his dresser, boxers swinging from the doorknob—and a distinctly musky smell lingered in the air, like sweat and sneakers and hair gel.
“It’s a little messy.”
It was so different from Marcus’s bedroom, which was enormous and always spotless, and from Jesse’s, which always looked on the verge of being condemned. Diego’s room felt lived in and real. I spied a stack of comic books on his desk, the topmost issue was a series called Patient F, and next to it was a cramped bookshelf. I crouched down to scan the titles. He must have owned everything Ernest Hemingway had ever written. “I take it you’re a fan?” I held up The Old Man and the Sea.
Diego flopped down on the bed, shoving the dirty clothes aside. “Kind of.”
“Mr. Kauffman forced us to read A Farewell to Arms last year. I hated it. Hemingway’s writing is so bland. He never says anything.” I leaned on the edge of his desk.
“It’s not about what he says but what he doesn’t say.”
I sniffed the air. “I smell bullshit. Do you smell bullshit?”
Diego snatched the book out of my hand. “It’s not bullshit.” He returned the book to the shelf, lining up the spines so that they were all even. “Hemingway wrote in the negative spaces. His stories were shaped by what he didn’t tell you.”
“It still sounds like bullshit,” I said with a smirk.
The doorbell rang before Diego could reply, and Viviana shouted at him to answer the door. He sighed. “Forget it. Let’s go have some fun.”
• • •
If the inside of Diego’s house was a bed-and-breakfast, the backyard was a tropical island. Viviana had built the deck herself, and erected a fully-stocked tiki bar, complete with carved masks, coconuts, and a thatched roof. The centerpiece of the yard was a stone fire pit surrounded by the comfiest chairs my ass had ever graced. By the back fence she’d strung a hammock between two palm trees that looked over a lazy canal. It was paradise.
Diego and I mingled, inserting ourselves into various conversations with Viviana’s friends. Their names slid in and right back out of my brain. The conversations were painless—mostly about how I liked school and what colleges I was applying to. Before Jesse, I assumed I’d wind up at whatever school he decided to attend. After, I stopped considering college at all. Rather than endure endless lectures about the necessity of being prepared for my future, I told anyone who asked that I wanted to go to Brown, but only because I’d heard Jesse mention it once.
When the food was ready, Diego and I loaded our plates. Viviana cooked burgers and hot dogs and steak and ribs. I grabbed a little of everything; Diego focused his attention on the meats. While his back was turned, Viviana nudged me and smiled. “I’m happy you came.” She was wearing one of those joke aprons that said I LIKE PIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE and had practically been chained to the grill all afternoon, but she still managed to carry on conversations with everyone within a five-foot radius and not burn the food.
“Really?”
She glanced at Diego as he served himself a preposterous helping of ribs. “Really.” The way she said it sounded like I was doing Diego a favor by coming when he was the one who’d saved me, but before I could question Viviana further, Diego finished filling his plate and waved for me to follow.
We found a quiet spot by the hammock, where the music was loud enough to hear but didn’t drown out our conversation—though we were both too focused on eating to talk much. Everything tasted amazing except for the potato salad, which had competing flavors of curry and celery. It was difficult to believe anything could taste so repulsive. Diego tore into the ribs with zeal, and his lips and chin were soon slathered with barbecue sauce. By the time he finished, which he announced with a belch loud enough to draw Viviana’s attention from the other side of the yard, he looked like he’d devoured them with his hands tied behind his back.
“Did you get enough to eat?” Diego asked, motioning at my empty plate.
“I’m stuffed.”
“If you say so.” Diego whipped a handful of napkins from his back pocket and set to cleaning his hands methodically, scraping the sauce from under his fingernails. When I laughed, he said, “If you’re not going make a mess when you eat ribs, you may as well not bother.”
I looked at my clean hands. “Now I feel like a failure.”
Diego dipped his finger into a puddle of leftover sauce and smeared it down my nose. “Better.”
It took everything to resist reaching for my napkin to wipe it off. “If you say so.”
He stared at me, and for a moment it reminded me of the way Jesse would watch me when he thought I wasn’t looking, like I was the only person in the world worthy of his attention. Except Diego wasn’t Jesse. No one was. “Why a Thanksgiving barbecue?” I asked.
Diego balled up his napkin and tossed it onto his empty plate. “What comes to mind when you think of Thanksgiving?”
“Turkey and stuffing. Gravy. Disaster movies. My mom drinking too much wine. Green bean casserole.”
When I’d finished listing off all the regular Thanksgiving things I could recall, he said, “Oh. For me, it’s cat piss and Devil Dogs.”
I waited for Diego to elaborate, but he didn’t. He just sat across from me, running his finger around the edge of his dirty plate, refusing to look me in the eyes. “Come on,” I said, “you can’t leave me hanging like that.”
“It’s not important.”
“You know all kinds of stuff about me. Hell, you and half the world have seen me naked. You won’t tell me anything about your life before you moved here, you won’t tell me why you’re living with your sister instead of your parents. I don’t get you.”
Diego clenched his fists. “Would you let it go, Henry?”
“No.”
“Fine,” Diego said. “If you tell me more about the aliens, I’ll tell you why I was sent here.”
If he was betting I’d drop it rather than discuss the sluggers, he was going to lose. “Sometimes I ask the sluggers to take me with them instead of sending me back.”
“Why?”
“Because I hate it here.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a joke, that’s why! I’m Space Boy, and I’ll never be anything else.” I hadn’t realized I’d raised my voice until a couple of Viviana’s friends glanced in our direction, but I didn’t care. Diego wanted answers, and I gave them to him.
Then Diego said, “But I like Space Boy,” and all the anger drained out of me.
“Your turn.”
Diego shook his head and leaned back in the grass. “I want to hear more about the aliens.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Fine. Ask your question.” His voice was flat.
“Did you smash the windows in Marcus’s car?” Up until the moment the question left my mouth, I was planning to ask why he’d been exiled to Calypso to live with his sister, but at the last second I changed my mind and immediately wished I hadn’t.
Diego’s mouth hung open, but he didn’t answer. And the longer he remained silent, the more nauseated I felt. I’d gone too far. I’d accused him, and I had no right. Diego had been nothing but nice to me, had given me no reason to suspect him, but that hadn’t stopped me. I should have kept my stupid questions to myself. I ruined everything. I should have stayed home. I needed air. “I have to go.” I ran inside to Diego’s bedroom and locked myself in his bathroom. The moment I was alone, I sat on the edge of the toilet and buried my face in my hands.
How could I have been so dumb? Despite knowing Diego wasn’t capable of reciprocating my feelings, I needed to know if he’d busted the windows of Marcus’s car, and what it meant if he had. I don’t even think I would have been upset if he were responsible.
I never thought I’d have feelings for anyone after Jesse, and I wanted to carve them out of my brain. I wanted to shove an ice pick through my eyes and give myself a transorbital lobotomy, scrape Diego from the inside of my skull. The best thing for me to do was go home and forget about Diego Vega.
When I’d pulled myself together, I stood at the sink and washed my face. The barbecue sauce was still on my nose; it looked like dried blood. I wet some toilet paper and used it to scrub the stain off.
Diego’s bathroom was messier and more disorganized than his bedroom. Inside the medicine cabinet were three kinds of deodorant, shaving cream, a razor, and two bottles of face wash. Globs of spent toothpaste were stuck to the side of the sink, and the shower was covered with a soapy film. My mom would have beaten me with the toilet brush if I ever let our bathroom get so filthy.
When I opened the door, I crashed into Diego. We hit the floor in a tangle of arms and legs. His elbow dug into my stomach, knocking the breath out of me.
“Sorry!” Diego said, laughter tingeing his voice.
“Just . . . It’s fine.” I disentangled myself from Diego, but he didn’t move.
“I came to find you so I could apologize.”
I already felt like an asshole for accusing Diego of smashing Marcus’s car windows and then running off, and now he was apologizing when he had nothing to be sorry for. “I should go.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Henry, I’m sorry.” Diego grabbed my wrist when I tried to stand, and pulled me toward him. I opened my mouth to tell him to let go, but he swallowed my words. He pressed his lips to mine and wrapped his arms around my waist. Diego tasted like root beer and barbecue sauce. He smelled better than summer. Bigger than the ocean.
“Is this okay?” Diego whispered. His lips grazed my ear. All I could do was grunt.
The first time I’d kissed Jesse was the first time I’d kissed anyone, and it had felt like remembering the name of a song I’d forgotten but had been humming for days. Marcus was the second boy I kissed, and it was best described as frustrated mouth wrestling.
When Diego kissed me, I forgot about every kiss that came before. His kisses were impatient but cautious. They teetered on the edge of losing control, and I imagined him painting with the same kind of frenzy—stripped to the waist and covered in smears of more colors than the human eye was capable of detecting. My arms trembled, I could barely breathe, but I pulled him closer than a blanket on the coldest night.
I lost track of time, but eventually Diego rolled onto his back with a contented sigh. “I’ve been dying to do that.”
I leaned on my elbow. “I thought you had a girlfriend.”
“Ex-girlfriend.”
“Okay,” I said. “Ex-girlfriend.”
“Yeah?”
“In case you haven’t noticed,” I said, motioning at myself. “No girl parts.”
Diego winked impishly. “Oh, I noticed.”
“So, when you said you liked Space Boy, you meant you liked Space Boy.”
“Definitely.”
Tangles of my hair were plastered to my forehead, and I brushed them out of my eyes. “I’m so confused.”
“Don’t be,” Diego said. “I like people, not the parts they have.” Diego frowned. “Well, I mean, I definitely like the parts; they’re just not why I like the person.”
“It’s . . . whatever.”
Diego laughed and reached for me again, but I pushed him away. “What?” he asked, like I’d physically hurt him.
When Diego was kissing me, nothing else had existed, but now that there was space between us, Jesse rushed in to fill it. My breath came in gasps. I tried to put into words what I was feeling, but every time I tried to speak, my tongue felt leaden and dry. It was a worthless chunk of meat in my mouth.
“Jesse?” he asked.
“I miss him, and I wish he were here.” I couldn’t look Diego in the eyes, but I felt him looking at me. Looking into me. “In a way, he is. He never leaves. Jesse never leaves. And how can I kiss you while Jesse’s here?”
“You’re not the one who died.”
I bit back a laugh. “Maybe I should have.”
“Don’t be stupid.”
I leaned my forehead against Diego’s, and all I could think about was kissing him again, and Jesse. Two thoughts that couldn’t coexist. “What if I’m the reason Jesse killed himself?”
“You’re not,” Diego said.
“But what if I am?” I closed my eyes, and I expected Diego to have disappeared by the time I opened them again. But he hadn’t. He was still there. “Sometimes I think it’s my fault. Other times, Audrey’s. Or maybe his parents’. I just need someone to blame. Might as well be me.”
“Sometimes things just happen, Henry, and they’re no one’s fault.”
I pulled back and looked into Diego’s eyes. They swirled like slugger skin. I wondered what they were saying. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted Diego and I missed Jesse and the world was going to end, and I didn’t know what to do. “I . . . Do you think I could have a drink?”
“Done.” Diego hopped up and headed for the door. He darted back and stole a kiss before disappearing into the kitchen.
There were only so many ways this could end. Jesse had said he loved me but hanged himself, Marcus had claimed to have feelings for me but then beat me up in the showers. I couldn’t see Diego doing either of those things, but I didn’t really know what Diego was capable of. There were so many ways I could screw this up, and even if I avoided them all, the world was still going to end in sixty-four days.
Yet I found myself wanting to see what could happen next. Diego managed to keep surprising me. I wasn’t exactly having second thoughts about the end of the world, but I was glad I had a choice.
Diego had been gone awhile; he should have been back with the drinks. When I opened my eyes, the room was draped in shadows. I couldn’t move my arms. I tried to yell for Diego, but I was voiceless.
The shadows creeped. The darkness collapsed.
I don’t want to go.
But the sluggers didn’t hear me or didn’t care.