CHAPTER THREE
Present day
“Lily, dearest, I must speak with you.” Her grandmother, Mildred, Lady Wolcroft, leaned heavily against her cane as she walked into the small sitting room where Lily was seated with her sister, Rose, and their mother, Lady Penford. “I wanted to—”
Her grandmother’s words broke off at the sight of her daughter. Lady Penford was seated by the fire, happily knitting, while she wore a ball gown and all her jewelry.
The older matron’s face transformed into confusion. “Iris, what on earth are you wearing?”
Lily winced, shaking her head slightly. “It’s not a good day, Grandmother,” she told Lady Wolcroft. “Leave her be.” Their mother’s moods had been up and down over the past few days. She had been suffering from confusion ever since their father died two years ago. Sometimes she withdrew and hardly spoke, while at other times, she behaved like a child. There was no reason to upset Iris when she was safely at home where no one would judge her by her clothing.
Her grandmother ignored her. “This isn’t a ball, Iris. You really ought to go and change back into a day dress. You look ridiculous.”
“But Rose is getting married!” Iris beamed at her eldest daughter. “And to an earl, no less. I am simply delighted for them both, and I thought it only appropriate to wear my best gown and jewels to the wedding.”
During the past few months, Rose had recovered from a sudden illness that had stolen her ability to walk. Her sister had fallen in love with an Irishman who had helped her recover, though she still needed the support of a cane. And even now, Lily saw the flush of excitement on her sister’s face at the mention of marriage.
“The wedding will be next month, Mother,” Rose said, exchanging a glance with Lily. “There is time enough to wear our best gowns.”
Iris reached out and squeezed Rose’s hand. “Next month, yes. I will be ready.”
“Have you thought about getting married here?” Lily asked, sending her sister a silent look. Although Rose was marrying an Irish earl, the wedding didn’t have to take place in Ireland. “Wouldn’t it be easier to have the ceremony before you go?”
Her sister sent a weak smile. “Iain doesn’t want to. He wants our tenants to share in the celebration. And it gives him a reason to offer them supplies to last them through the winter. After the feast, the leftover food will be divided among the people.”
Lily wasn’t looking forward to the journey across the Irish Sea. She would have preferred to celebrate the marriage here, where their mother could be protected. Iris’s spells of madness were growing more frequent, and Lily wasn’t certain how many good days remained.
“Ireland is a godforsaken land riddled with famine,” her grandmother pronounced. “I, for one, believe Rose and Iain should be married here.” She raised her chin and then fixed her attention on Lily. “But I did not come here to discuss a wedding that is still weeks away.”
Lily picked up her mending and began to sew up one of the holes in her stocking. She suspected she was the subject of her grandmother’s censure but hoped she was wrong.
Lady Wolcroft chose a chair nearby and regarded her. “I came to discuss your scandalous behavior. It must cease, Lily, dearest.”
Since her grandmother never used endearments, Lily understood that this was quite serious. “And what scandalous behavior is that?”
“You’ve been visiting Lord Arnsbury.”
Lily saw no reason to deny it. “So I have. I’ve waited nearly two years for his return. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Because your behavior is entirely too forward. It does not bode well for finding you a good match. Lord Arnsbury looks like an unshaved barbarian, and you would do well to avoid him.”
“I will not leave him,” she insisted. “Matthew has suffered, yes, but he—”
“Matthew?” her grandmother interrupted. “And what gives you the right to call Lord Arnsbury by his Christian name, do tell?”
Oh dear. Lily bit her tongue for speaking. She knew that Mildred did not approve of her interest in Lord Arnsbury, especially after she had spurned Lord Davonshire. Lady Wolcroft could not imagine any reason a woman would turn down a future marquess. But perhaps if she revealed the truth to her family, they might understand.
An abridged truth, to be sure, but one that would make them see why she would not give up on Lord Arnsbury.
She reached for the silver chain around her neck and unfastened it, revealing his gold signet ring. Then she slid it onto her finger. It was heavy and didn’t fit, but that was irrelevant. “Because I married him.”
An illegal marriage, yes, but Lily had spoken promises nonetheless. And she rather hoped that revealing the scandal might lead to the true, legal marriage she wanted.
Silence flooded the room, and her grandmother gaped. “You did what?”
“Oh, Lily,” her sister breathed. Her tone mirrored Lady Wolcroft’s, as if to ask, How could you do such a thing?
“Another wedding!” Lady Penford clapped her hands with delight. “Lily, don’t you see? I was right to wear this gown.” She preened and held out her wrist that was adorned by a pearl and diamond bracelet.
Lily ignored her mother and held out the ring to Lady Wolcroft. “Matthew gave me this ring before he left for India. We spoke our vows, and I promised him that I would keep the ring until he could give me a true wedding.”
Lady Wolcroft’s gaze narrowed. “And just who witnessed these vows? Some flighty minister whom you bribed?”
She flushed at her grandmother’s anger, for it wasn’t far off from the truth. “A minister did witness our vows, yes.”
“And what of the license?” her grandmother demanded.
At that, she was forced to admit, “There was no time for a license.”
Her grandmother closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “Then it wasn’t a true marriage, thank goodness. We can still uphold your father’s arrangement with Lord Davonshire, now that enough time for mourning has passed.”
“I spoke my vows before God,” Lily argued. “It was a real marriage in that sense. And we intended to remarry when he returned from India.” Matthew had warned her from the first that it would not be legal, but she hadn’t cared. At the time, she’d needed a means of stopping her father’s arrangement with the marquess.
But then George had died, and there had been no more talk of marriage. Her mother’s grief had crippled her mind, and Lily had been free to wait upon Matthew’s return.
Her grandmother stared hard at her. “You didn’t allow him to ruin you, did you?”
Her cheeks flushed scarlet, and Lily didn’t know quite what to say. “Well—I—do you suppose I would do such a thing, Grandmother?”
But Lady Wolcroft was not blind. “Oh dear Heavens, you did. That scoundrel. He will not get away with this.” Her grandmother shook her head. “You do not know how fortunate you were not to get with child. Lily, how could you be so naïve? How could you allow it?”
“I loved him,” she said simply. “And nothing happened. There was no child from our time together.”
“Nothing? You simply ruined yourself for a man who may not want you anymore.” Lady Wolcroft sent her a pitying look. “And everyone says he went mad after he was a prisoner in India. He has not set foot out of his house.”
“I do not regret my choices. I loved Matthew, and I wanted to be with him.” Lily replaced the ring upon the silver chain and hung it around her neck. “I still do.”
But her grandmother’s words weighed upon her. It was true that Matthew had demanded that she leave him. And there was no doubting his lack of awareness when she’d broken the teacup.
She had tried to stop him from touching the shards, but he’d clenched them in his palms, squeezing tightly until blood welled up. His eyes had been vacant, as if he were unaware of what he was doing.
Just like her mother.
A cold chill washed over her, and she felt her throat gather up with tears. They all knew that nothing could mend Iris’s broken mind. But they loved her and would take care of her for as long as they could. Lily didn’t want to imagine that the same had happened to Matthew.
Lady Penford had grown subdued and had removed her necklaces. She went to stand by the hearth, whispering softly to herself. Rose eased herself up from the chair and limped toward their mother, leaning on her cane.
“Lady Arnsbury is not aware of your secret wedding, is she?” her grandmother asked. Lily shook her head, and some of the tension left Lady Wolcroft’s shoulders. “We have only one choice, as I see it. Since it was never a legal marriage, you are free to choose another suitor. I do believe this would be best, given Lord Arnsbury’s. . .madness.”
“He was wounded and tortured,” Lily reminded her. It wasn’t as if Matthew had lost his wits.
“Even so, he is not good husband material.” Mildred squared her shoulders as if the matter were settled. “We will ensure that there are no legal implications and move forward from there.”
“But I want to remain with him,” Lily insisted. “He will recover, and I am certain we can wed properly.” She wanted so badly to believe that he would recover.
Her grandmother rolled her eyes. “And here I thought you were the sensible one, Lily. I have one granddaughter who intends to marry a man and live as an exile in Ireland and a daughter who believes in imaginary wolves and adorns herself like the Queen of Sheba.”
“I won’t give up on Matthew,” Lily said firmly. At least, not until he gives up on me. But today she had glimpsed a trace of the man she’d loved. When he’d spoken of their wedding night, it was as if the years had been lifted away for a moment, bringing them back together. She’d hoped he might kiss her.
Instead, the broken teacup had transformed him into someone else. She didn’t know if he could be healed any more than her mother.
But she had to try.
Matthew was sitting in his mother’s drawing room when James Thornton, the Earl of Penford, strode across the room. The man’s fists were clenched, and fury blazed in his eyes. “I ought to kill you.”
Given his friend’s fury, Matthew stood and inquired, “Dare I ask why?”
“I should have left you to rot at the hands of your torturers after what you did to my sister.” James lunged toward him, and his fist caught the edge of Matthew’s jaw.
Pain blasted through him, but it was welcome. After days of hardly sleeping, he wished that someone would knock him unconscious.
“You ruined her.” James threw another punch, and Matthew didn’t bother to defend himself. His head snapped to the side with the force of the excruciating blow, and he tasted blood.
“Goddamn you.” His friend stepped back, his fists still clenched. “Why would you take advantage of her? She was only eighteen.” James loosened his fingers and shook his head. “I thought you were better than that.” His voice lowered, and he sighed. “That’s not the kind of man you are. Or, at least, that’s what I believed.”
Beneath the weight of his friend’s stare, Matthew admitted, “I don’t know what kind of man I am anymore, James.” He stared back at his friend, the heaviness of exhaustion weighing upon him. He couldn’t undo the mistakes he’d made.
“You let her believe you were going to marry her,” James said, his tone holding cold fury. “And then you ruined her before leaving her behind. If there had been a child. . .”
“There wasn’t.” He held James’s gaze. “And if you came here to tell me to leave her alone, save your breath. We both know I cannot marry her now.”
“You bastard.” James swung again, and pain lashed through him at the blow to his ribs, causing him to stagger backward. “That’s why she came to see you, wasn’t it? Because she loved you. And now, you think to abandon her?”
Matthew caught his friend’s fist before the next blow could fall. “Yes. I am going to leave her alone to find another man who is far better than me. Isn’t that what you want?”
“What I want is to break every bone in your body.” James let out a foul curse. “How could you do this?”
“I never meant to hurt her.” He knew he’d wronged Lily, despite the missing pieces of memory. He never should have touched her. For not only had he ruined her life, but he’d also destroyed the trust of his best friend. He couldn’t change the past. . .but he could let Lily go. She could find a better man, one who would give her the life she deserved.
Matthew sank down into a chair, swiping at the blood on his nose. He lowered his head. “Tell her I’ll add funds to her dowry as compensation for what I did.”
James seized him by his shirt and jerked him to stand. “The last thing I want is for you to treat my sister like a common trollop. You ought to find a single shred of honor and marry her. Grant her that respect at least.”
He didn’t know how James could even consider it. He wasn’t fit to be a husband to any woman just now. “No woman deserves to be bound to a man like me. Better that you should call me out and put a bullet through my brain.”
“No,” his friend answered. “I won’t reward you with death. You ought to spend the rest of your miserable life groveling to my sister. You should atone for your sins, not find an eternal escape from them.” He stepped back. “I’ll expect you to call upon her with an offer.”
Matthew’s mouth twisted. “So you intend to punish her with a lifetime of unhappiness?” He couldn’t imagine what James hoped to accomplish by wedding the pair of them. Lily believed there was something left of the man he had been, when they were hardly more than strangers now. She should try to find happiness with someone else.
“You should have thought of that before you claimed her virtue.” James flexed his hands. “I saved your wretched life and brought you back from India because you were my friend. But you were never that, were you? Not if you betrayed my sister.”
I was. I’ve always been your friend. They had been close, despite their ten year age difference. Their mothers had been good friends, paying calls on one another frequently. Sometimes when Matthew had visited with his mother, James had toddled after him, eagerly trying to engage him in playing with tin soldiers. He’d been the little brother Matthew had always wanted, and even now, he would protect James without a second thought.
He could say nothing to allay his friend’s anger, for words wouldn’t heal the invisible wounds he’d caused. His body ached, not only from James’s blows, but from the darkness that shadowed his mood. “You should have left me there to die.”
James paused at the doorway. “Yes. I should have.”
Three days later
Lily had nearly reached the front door when her sister Rose stopped her. “What are you doing?”
She adjusted the basket over her arm. “Nothing.”
“I don’t believe you.” Her sister took slow, halting steps. “You’re trying to sneak out, aren’t you? You’re going to see him again.” But instead of being angry, Rose gave a conspiratorial smile. “What’s in the basket?”
“Just some food.”
She’d asked Cook to prepare a basket filled with Matthew’s favorite foods—in particular, strawberry tarts. They had shared some on their wedding night. A flush came over her face, remembering the way he had tasted the sliced strawberries and then kissed her until her knees went weak.
“I’m going with you,” Rose said. “That way, James won’t suspect anything. If he asks, we’re going to pay a call on Evangeline.” She caught sight of her lady’s maid and ordered, “Hattie, please fetch my bonnet and shawl. I am going with my sister to pay calls.”
“Shall I come with you?” the maid offered.
“No, thank you. I will take a footman with us.” After Hattie departed, Rose leaned in closer. “How were you planning to travel?”
Lily kept her voice low, not knowing if she could trust any of the servants. “In our carriage, if I can manage it. But James is being overprotective. He’s forbidden me to see Matthew.”
Her sister’s face turned serious. “And what do you want, Lily? You waited for this man for two years. Is he worth it?”
The weight of uncertainty bore down upon her. “I don’t know. I want to believe that he will remember what we shared and love me again. But. . .nothing is the same as it was.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
Lily didn’t want to consider that. For so long, she had shaped her life around Matthew. Without him, it was as if someone had torn away the foundation of herself. An emptiness stretched out before her, one she didn’t want to face. “I don’t know.”
Rose walked with her to the front door. “My advice is to begin again, as friends. Treat him as you would a stranger, and perhaps, in time, his memories will return.”
It was reasonable enough, but Lily admitted, “How? He doesn’t even want to see me.” She winced when she thought of him ordering her to leave.
“A man who has endured great suffering needs a reason to smile again, don’t you think?” Her sister nodded toward the basket. “Your idea of bringing him food is a good one. But you should find a way to distract him from the past.” Rose turned her attention toward their cat, Moses. He had sired four new kittens with their other cat, Geranium, a few months ago.
Two of the babies were following their father, and the sight of them made Lily smile. Moses nudged against her legs, seeking affection, and she leaned down to rub his ears. “No one loves you, do they, Moses? You are so neglected.”
But she was beginning to see what Rose was suggesting. Matthew needed something to bring him back to the world, and was there anyone who didn’t love kittens? She picked up a gray and white kitten and held him close. “Do you really think I should give him one of the kittens?”
Her sister considered it. “Possibly. Unless kittens make him sneeze.”
Lily cuddled the feline, who rewarded her by sinking claws into her glove. She winced and extricated the animal, gently placing him in the basket with her food. “Well, I suppose we’ll try it. At worst, I’ll just bring the kitten back again.” She followed her sister toward the front door, only to be interrupted by their brother.
James cleared his throat and stood at the doorway like an angry sentry. “And just where do you think you are going?” He folded his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow.
Rose sent their brother a bright smile. “We are going to pay a call upon Evangeline. Lily decided to bring her a kitten.”
His gaze narrowed. “Is that so? Perhaps I should accompany you.”
No, don’t, she pleaded inwardly. But her sister gave James a critical eye. “I wouldn’t, James. Evangeline doesn’t want to see you.”
His expression held a hint of embarrassment. “And how would you know that?”
“Because when she found out you had returned, she said she would rather be devoured by eels than see you again. At least, I’m fairly certain that’s what she said.”
Lily bit back a smile. Sometimes her sister had quicker wits than anyone gave her credit for. There had been a time when their friend, Evangeline, had worshipped James from afar, but it had ended badly.
Her brother had the graces to look guilty, but he offered, “I imagine she’s forgiven me after two years.”
“It’s doubtful,” Lily added. “Women do hold grudges, you know.” But James stepped aside and allowed them to leave. His expression revealed that he wasn’t quite certain whether to believe them.
Rose climbed into the carriage with the help of their footman, and Lily followed, setting her basket down at their feet. With the door still open, her sister asked James, “Is there anything you’d like us to say to Evangeline on your behalf? Perhaps we should offer your apologies on being such a cowardly donkey’s posterior?”
James let out a sigh and shook his head. “Whatever happened to sisters taking their brother’s side? Are we not family?”
“Not in this instance,” Rose said. “You abandoned Evangeline when she was in love with you and left for India without a goodbye. She despises the ground you walk on.”
Thankfully, he appeared uneasy at the prospect of paying a call. “I suppose you are right. Give her my good wishes.”
“She wouldn’t accept them, even if I did.” But Rose inclined her head with a warm smile. “But I will tell her you are sorry.”
With that, the footman closed the door, and their brother waved them on. Lily studied her sister. “You are an accomplished liar, Rose. I’m not sure that’s such a good thing.”
Her sister reached for the kitten and tucked the feline into her lap. “It worked this time. But next time, we may not be so fortunate. Even if you do regain Lord Arnsbury’s friendship, you should know that our brother believes Matthew ought to marry you for what he did.”
Lily sobered at that. “I know.” With a rueful smile, she added, “I had always intended to marry Matthew after he returned. But I believed he would want to wed me. . .not because he was forced into it.”
“I can try to reason with James. But this should be your decision. And if you don’t want to wed him, after all is said and done, you can come live in Ireland with Iain and me.”
Her sister’s suggestion was reassuring, though Lily had no desire to leave the country. It was only an offer of freedom, a chance to escape her troubles.
“Not yet,” she said. “Not until I’ve done what I can to help Matthew recover.”
It might not be enough, she understood. She didn’t want to even imagine what he had suffered when he’d been a captive. But she would not turn away from him when he needed her.
The carriage pulled to a stop in front of the Arnsbury townhouse, and nerves gathered in her stomach. “Thank you for coming with me, Rose.”
“You’re welcome. I will stay here and have the coachman take me to pay a call upon Evangeline. I can keep my word to James, and you’ll have time to be with the earl.” She handed over the kitten, her gaze thoughtful. “I’ll return for you in a couple of hours. Good luck, Lily. You’ll need it.”
Lily gathered the basket in one arm and tucked the kitten inside to keep the animal safe. And when she left the carriage, she prayed that she wasn’t making a terrible mistake.
Lily waited for a quarter of an hour in the drawing room before Lady Arnsbury arrived to greet her. “Thank goodness you’ve come.” The matron offered her hands and squeezed Lily’s. Her face held nothing but worry, and behind her, Lily saw Dr. Fraser and his wife.
Although the Scottish doctor had been born into a simple life, he had inherited his uncle’s title of Viscount Falsham. Lady Falsham’s brown hair had lines of silver in it, but she still held a classic, delicate beauty. “Matthew has worsened since you left,” she said quietly.
A numb feeling settled in Lily’s stomach. She should have come yesterday, despite her doubts. “What can I do to help?”
The doctor chose a seat nearby, steepling his hands together. “I’ve treated men like Lord Arnsbury before, Lady Lily. But the healing process is no’ so verra easy.” He exchanged a look with his wife, who had gone pale. “He’s like a man come back from the battlefield. His mind has closed off all that he doesna wish to remember.”
Even me, Lily thought. She reached down to the basket, suddenly feeling foolish. A man who had suffered from torture didn’t need a basket of strawberry tarts or a kitten. Those were gifts for a child, not a grown man. Her cheeks reddened, and she wished she hadn’t brought them.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t have come,” she ventured. “Especially if he is suffering so badly. I might cause him to remember something he wishes to forget.”
“But your presence does seem to bring him back to reality,” Lady Arnsbury pointed out. “I think he needs to see you, even if he does not understand the reasons.” Her face faltered, and a flush rose over her cheeks. “I know he was. . .not himself the other day. But I will accompany you now.”
It was an understatement, given the shattered teacup and Matthew’s response to it. But Lily said nothing at all. She was here to help him and would do all that was necessary.
“I will also join you both,” Lady Falsham offered.
Lily thought about leaving the basket behind, but was rather worried that the kitten would wander away. The lid was latched, but the animal might begin meowing. She picked it up, feeling the sway of the kitten’s movement inside.
“Will you remain downstairs for a moment?” Lily asked the two women. “I will call out if I have need of you.” She wanted a moment alone with Matthew to determine his mood.
The ladies agreed, and Lily went up the stairs, praying she could help the man she loved.
With her heart in her throat, she knocked at his door.