Once Kennedy leaves, I finish studying. After lunch and a quick run, I shower and check in with Betty to make sure it’s okay to go see Ben. She likes to warn her volunteers about important events in the kids’ lives, and make us aware of any different or difficult situations. Some have rough nights filled with nightmares, and like everyone else, they’re simply allowed to have a bad day.

Ben is on his bed, wearing a teeth baring grin and holding a blue book above his face.

“What you looking at?”

I lay down next to him and recognize a picture of the back of my high school baseball jersey.

“Where’d you get this?” I flip the page and encounter another photo of me. Ben and I inspect every page until we reach the end. The last few pages are photos of whom I assume is his mom. They have the same kind eyes.

“Kennedy came by.” He closes the book and hugs it to his chest.

“She did?” My eyebrows wrinkle.

“Gave me this.” He hands me the album.

“Of course, she did,” I whisper to myself.

“Why’d she have to die? Why was I left here alone?” he murmurs, but his words are loud and clear. He rolls away from me and curls up in a ball. The silent racks of his chest have me fighting my own emotions.

“I know what it’s like to wonder why. Why me? Why can’t he love me?” I breathe deep, hoping to calm myself. “Those are the things I asked myself growing up, but, buddy, someone else’s actions have nothing to do with the love your mom had for you. She loved you.” I reach for the book and flip the pages until I find the photos of Ben with his mom. “Look at this.” He faces me and stares at his mom. “You see her? That’s the one person in the world who loves you most. Her being gone doesn’t change the amount of love she has for you.” Ben’s small fingers skim over the photo of him as a baby, cradled in his mother’s arms. I hug him to my side. “You’re not alone in this.”

“Graham.”

My name smacks both of us back to reality. Betty’s at the door, watching us.

“Come to my office. I need to talk to you.”

After promising Ben I’ll be right back, I walk down the hallway. My mind’s not in the right place when I enter the office. Betty’s behind her desk, files piled high over every surface. She flips through one in particular.

“I need to thank you.” Betty clears her throat. “Ben has been one of our rougher cases, and in a short amount of time, you’ve managed to lighten his world a little bit. Not to mention Kennedy, who somehow knows exactly what he needs without him saying so. She’s a special girl.”

“The book.”

“In places like this, sometimes it’s hard to give the kids enough direct attention to remind them of their lives before these four walls. You two have given that to Ben.”

“That’s all Kennedy.” I hold up my hands in front of me, giving her full credit.

“You didn’t know about the book?”

“Not until I saw it.” I shake my head.

“I mentioned to Kennedy that she’d be a good candidate for foster care. If she’s ever ready to do something like that. It can be hard, but it’s a fulfilling process.” She glances up from the file. “Same goes for you. Food for thought, Graham.”

“I wouldn’t know how to be a dad, Betty.” I stare at the floor and fight my own memories. “Will you tell Ben I had to leave early, but I’ll make sure to come by tomorrow?”

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Betty apologizes. Her eyes grow sympathetic. “Graham.”

The walls are closing in on me. I wave off her apology as if it’s no big deal, but inside, my lungs heave. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to run outside.

When the fresh spring air hits my face, I find some relief. I understand what Betty is saying. I even know why she’s saying it. What she doesn’t understand is the idea of me being a father figure to anyone feels foreign. The thought has never crossed my mind.

*****

The next morning when I wake up, Betty’s words are still thick in my mind. The house is quiet when I slink down to grab a quick breakfast. Unlike me, the rest of them don’t have a class before ten in the morning. My first class is at eight. Not exactly the smartest decision.

I drive to campus, and when I park, I shoot Kennedy a quick good morning text. Tucking my phone into my pocket, I walk through campus to the building where my psych class is held. Ashlee sits on the brick steps outside the building. Her sheepish expression is reserved for me.

“I don’t have time this morning, Ashlee.” I walk past her.

“Hear me out,” she begs, rushing to block my way.

“You tried to jeopardize my relationship. We have nothing to say to each other.” I storm past her into the building.

Before practice, I head to the gym. After yesterday and my run in with Ashlee this morning, a hard, cleansing sweat is needed. So what if she feels bad? She put me in a position where I could’ve lost Kennedy, and I have no desire to listen to a word she has to say.

A long run on the treadmill and some heavy weights are exactly what I need to clear my mind for a productive practice. By the time I shower afterwards and drive home, I’ve missed two calls from Kennedy. She answers on the first ring.

“What’s up?” I say. “I was at the gym and practice.”

“Do you think you can come to the city next weekend?” she asks, a thread of excitement in her words.

“I’d love to, but I have games that weekend, babe, and I’m already coming this weekend for your performance.”

“Okay.” Disappointment floods her voice.

“What’s going on?

“Nothing, really. I have a thing for group session, but don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal. There’ll be other opportunities,” she rambles without pausing for breath.

“Are you sure? If it’s important, I can try to swing it, depending on what time it is.”

“No, don’t worry about it.” Her deep sigh is filled with regret. “I’m heading into work now. Is it okay if I call you when I’m out?”

“Of course it is. I love you.”

“I love you, too.” And she hangs up.

Something different about her voice sets me on edge. She may have said it wasn’t important, but I know there’s a reason she wants me to come, but she won’t tell me. I pull up my contact list and push Violet’s name.

“Hel-looo?” she answers. She sounds so confused, I almost laugh.

“Are you with Kennedy?” I ask.

“No, she left for work almost twenty minutes ago.”

“Okay, good. Do you know about something happening with her group next weekend?”

“No, should I?” A guy speaks in the background. A guy who’s not Dan. She shushes him, but forgets to cover the receiver. “Is that all you needed?”

“Violet.” My voice lowers. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

“Is. That. All. You. Needed?” she barks.

“Yeah, but I’d be an asshole if I didn’t say anything. Dan’s one of my best friends. I understand if you’re going through something you can’t explain to anyone, but let me leave you with something.”

“I’m listening.” Her bored tone lets me know I need to make it quick before she hangs up on me.

“Two days, two months, two years from now, imagine you run into Dan. He’s with someone new. When you picture that day in your head, does your chest ache? If the answer is yes, tell whoever the fuck that is to leave. You’ll regret it. Trust me.”

“Mind your own business, Graham.”

“I’m just trying to be a good friend.”

“You don’t understand,” she whispers. The sadness in her voice is hard to hear.

“I don’t? Loving Kennedy is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. Nothing is guaranteed. She and I are the perfect example of the sentiment. Don’t do anything you can’t take back. That’s all I’m saying.”

I push end. I’m torn between a sense of guilt and relief. For once, Kennedy and I aren’t the ones struggling. With that thought, I reverse out the driveway. Since I don’t have class tomorrow, and practice isn’t until the afternoon, I make the trip to see someone who could use a friend right now.

By the time I’m on his doorstep, it’s eight at night. Dan opens the door, a dumbfounded look on his face. I shrug as if my presence needs no explanation. We don’t talk about Violet once, but his pain is strong. He’s loved her since freshman year of high school. Her pushing him away isn’t going to stop those feelings. We eat pizza and play video games like we use to when girls weren’t so complicated.

When I wake up the next morning, he’s on the loveseat across from me. His head hangs low, and his giant hands envelop his neck

“I don’t know what to do, man. I always have such great advice for everyone, but now on the cusp of losing her, I don’t know what I need to do.”

“I don’t think there’s really anything for you to do,” I answer his concern.

His head whips up and he groans as he leans against the cushion behind him. “That’s it, then, huh? I just let her go.”

“Without trying to sound completely cliché, –and if you tell anyone I even said this, I will kick your ass– but maybe you need to let her go so she can find her way back to you.”

“Did you just ‘if it’s meant to be, she’ll find her way back to you’ me? Seriously? I can’t sit here while she’s out riding strange dick to get it out of her system. She either wants me or she doesn’t, and if she doesn’t, then fine. I’ll deal. I’ll move on, but I’m not going to sit around waiting for her to decide if I’m good enough for her.”

“You should make that clear to her.”

“I did. A part of me thought it would snap her stubborn ass out of this funk she’s in, but it didn’t. She’s spewing some crazy shit about how love is a joke, and there’s no point in trying anymore.” He shrugs. “I’m done talking about it. I can’t think about it anymore.”

“Okay, but know–”

“I know. You’re here. It’s about damn time I’m not the one giving you advice. Even with all this shit with Vi, I’m happy for you and Ken. The world sort of makes sense now.”

“You’re such a sap.” I shake my head. Even in his crappy situation, Dan sees the good.