Finch
He looks absolutely helpless. Tag, I mean. Not Benji. Benji actually looks comfortable. He’s not crying right this second. They hooked him up to IVs and gave him some medicine to bring down his fever. It was just an infection. A simple one. Antibiotics should clear it up. They did a bunch of blood work and pronounced him okay.
Tag is a little bit more of a problem.
“Would you stop pacing?” I say.
“I’m not pacing,” he argues. But he doesn’t stop walking.
“Okay, then stop walking briskly back and forth. You’re causing a draft.”
He stops and stares down into the bassinette. “In my head, I’m trying to plan,” he says quietly.
“Plan for what?”
He shrugs. “Plan for his life. Plan to take care of him. Plan to be a good father who can fulfill his needs. I don’t even have a job, Finny.” He heaves a sigh and then scrubs the heels of his hands into his eyes.
“It’s late,” I say. “You can think about all that tomorrow.”
“I have to find a job.”
“Tomorrow.”
“And someone to watch him while I work.”
“Dude, you have two sisters and they have three sisters and a mother. I think you’ll be covered.”
He snorts. “I can’t ask my family to watch him. I can’t keep taking advantage.” He grips the edge of the bassinette so tightly that his knuckles turn white. “Don’t you see?” he bites out. “What if I caused this?”
“What do you mean?”
He stands there with his eyes closed tightly. “I was angry when I came back from my mission trip and found out Julia didn’t want to be with me anymore. I did some things I regret. Said some things I regret.”
“To her?” She probably deserved it.
“To God,” he says. “I said it to God.”
Oh. Now I get it. “And you think God’s mad and he’s punishing you?”
“I think I wasn’t grateful for the gifts I’ve been given, yes.”
“Bullshit.”
His head jerks up. “What?”
“Bullshit,” I say again. I hold up my hands when he starts to speak. “Oh, wait, I cursed. You think something terrible is going to happen to me?”
“That’s not amusing.”
“When I’m trying to make you laugh, you’ll know it.”
“I’m just worried that my doubts could cause a ripple effect,” he says quietly.
“You still have faith, right?” I don’t fully understand faith. Not now. But I respect the fact that he has it.
He nods. “Of course.” He winces. “But I was angry. And I said some things I shouldn’t have.”
“So, unsay them,” I tell him with a shrug.
He looks confused. “What?”
“God’s not a vengeful dude, dumbass. He’s benevolent. He’s all-knowing, too, so he knows your heart. Unsay whatever it is you said and you can be done with it.”
“You believe in God?” he asks me. He stares into my eyes.
I drag my finger up and down a crack in the wall. “I used to spend a lot of time with the preacher and his wife in our small town. When my mom would go off the deep end, they took me home with them. So, yes, I know who God is.”
“Will you think I’m stupid if I believe?” He watches my face closely.
“Dude, I already think you’re stupid.”
He grins. “When everything else was taken from me, my faith sustained me. If I abandon it, I feel like I’ll be abandoning a part of myself.”
I shrug. “So don’t.” My phone chimes and I look down at it. “Your sisters are on the way.” I get up from where I’m sitting. “I should probably go.”
“Don’t,” he says quickly.
“What?”
“Don’t go. Please.” He tilts his head and smiles at me. “Please,” he says again.
My heart jolts. “Why do you want me to stay?” I hold my breath.
He shrugs. “I like you.”
“You like me? What are you, twelve? So what’s next, I get to ride on the handlebars of your bike?”
He smiles. “Would that be so bad?”
No. No, it wouldn’t be so bad. It would be kind of awesome. “We already have a date planned, and it involves visiting the inmate at the asylum,” I remind him. I don’t want him to think of me as a normal girl. I want him to remember I’m not a normal girl and I never will be.
“Something to look forward to,” he says with a grin.
“I don’t kiss on the first date, just so you know,” I say. I wince as soon as it comes out of my mouth. I shouldn’t have said that.
“Oh, you’d kiss me,” he says with confidence.
My heart skips. “You think so?”
“Yep. I got mad skills.”
Benji starts to fret in his crib, so I get up and go to him. I lay my hand on his belly and he stares up at me, calming immediately. His big eyes blink at me as he flails his hands and feet. “You feel better, Benji?” I ask him. He kicks again.
Tag walks up behind me, and I can feel him from the back of my head all the way to my shins. He puts a hand on my hip and sets his chin on top of my head, staring down into the bassinette. “I was so worried,” he says. “I’m so glad you came home when you did.”
My gut wrenches when I think about who I arrived home with and what I was about to do. “Me too,” I agree. I’m not ashamed. Not by a long shot. But I wonder what it might be like to have a family of my own and one man to come home to. I shake the thought aside. I lay my hand over his. “That guy…” I squeeze my eyes shut tightly and hold my breath, trying to settle my insides. “I just met him. There hasn’t been anyone else for me since…that night.” I look up at him. “Nobody.”
He smiles. “Okay.” He kisses my cheek, lingering ever so briefly.
I want him to tell me that there was no one else for him too, but I don’t feel like I have a right to ask.
“Guess what?” he whispers.
“What?” I whisper back.
“There hasn’t been anyone else for me either.” He kisses the tip of my nose.
My belly flips. “Not even when you went back to see Julia?”
He shakes his head. “Our relationship was over before I ever came here the first time.” He smiles a quirky grin at me. “And I had this tiny little brunette on my mind the whole time I was gone.”
My heart warms.
“So, when are we going on our date?” he asks. He brushes my hair to the side so that it doesn’t tickle his face. His warm breath brushes my neck and goose bumps erupt on my arms. My nipples go hard and I’m suddenly really glad he’s behind me so he can’t see it.
“Whenever I get more flowers,” I say with a laugh I don’t feel. There’s no humor in it at all. None.
He stiffens behind me. “Okay,” he says.
The door to the room we’re in suddenly opens and Wren and Star walk into it. They stop in the doorway and freeze when they see him standing behind me with his chin on my shoulder. I bump him so he’ll step back. He does, and I feel the loss of him right away.
“Everything okay in here?” Star asks. Her eyes skitter from him to me and back.
“Benji’s better,” I chirp. I stare into the crib. “It was just an infection.”
Star smiles. “Oh, thank goodness.” She walks over to the bassinette and looks into it. Suddenly, she covers her mouth. “I think I’m about to throw up,” she says, and she races from the room.
“I’ll go and make sure she’s all right,” Tag says, and follows her out.
Wren stares at me for a beat too long, her eyes full of censure. “What the fuck are you doing, Finny?”
I point into the crib. “He was sick,” I say. “I was just trying to help.”
“That’s not what I mean and you know it.” She jerks a thumb toward the doorway. “You were all but snuggling with my brother just now.”
“I was not,” I protest. But I kind of was. And I liked it. I don’t like that I liked it, though. I blow out a heavy sound of protest through my lips.
She narrows her eyes at me. “I don’t think he’s emotionally available, Finny,” she says quietly.
“Good, because I don’t have emotions.”
She snorts. “Tell that to someone who doesn’t know you, bitch.” She stares at me. “I always wondered what kind of man it would take to get to you.”
I scoff. “He hasn’t gotten to me, hooch.”
“Oh, he has totally gotten to you.”
I can’t tell if she’s joking or not. “What makes you say that?”
“You let him hold you, Finny. You never let anyone hold you.” Her voice gets soft. “Why did you let him hold you if you don’t like him?”
“He didn’t exactly ask!” I blurt out. I point to the kid. “We were just looking at Benji!”
Her voice goes softer. “He wasn’t looking at Benji, Fin. He was looking at you.”
I snort. “He was not.”
“You can lie to yourself. But you can’t lie to me.”
I say nothing, because there’s nothing to say.
“Thank you for taking care of him tonight,” she says. “I don’t think he has had anyone to take care of him in a long time.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
The door opens, and Tag and Star come back into the room. Wren stops her yammering, thank God. “You okay?” I ask Star.
She nods. “Just had to toss my cookies.” She lays a hand on her belly. “Being pregnant is sickening.” She looks at Tag. “Was Julia sick a lot?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says quietly. “I wasn’t there.”
“Well,” I say, “since everything here is under control, I’m going home.”
Tag’s brow furrows. “Is that guy waiting for you?”
“What guy?” Wren asks. She looks from him to me and back.
“Nobody waits for me,” I quip and force out a laugh. “See you guys later.” I go out the door, and stop to take a breath.
The door opens behind me and Tag runs smack into me. “Sorry,” he says. “I was trying to catch you.” He holds me steady by my elbows.
“Did you need something?”
“I just wanted to tell you…”
I stuff one hand into the pocket of my hoodie. “What?”
“I would totally wait for you,” he says quietly.
I pick at the peeling paint on the wall with my fingernail. “You’re already waiting for your baby mama,” I say, trying to sound flippant.
He shakes his head. “No.”
“Why not?”
He looks toward the doorway to his son’s room. “She’s not who I thought she was.” I must look blankly at him because he goes on to say, “She left him. The woman I loved would never have done that.”
“Maybe she had a reason.”
“She didn’t pick me. That’s all I know.” A muscle in his jaw jerks. He takes a breath and relaxes a little. “When I get myself settled, I’m going to ask you out on a real date.”
My heart jumps. “Will that involve sticking two straws in a soda? Or will you let me wear your class ring?”
He smiles. “You’ll have to wait and see.”
He bends down and kisses my cheek, his warmth hovering delicately over my skin like the sweetest of breaths, and then he waves at me and goes back to his son. I sink back against the wall, because my knees are suddenly weak.
I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like it at all.