chapter thirteen
Having squared things away at Mitchell’s, I arrive at the hospital with a platter of food just after noon. I didn’t know who would be here, so I had our chef prepare extra. And although I don’t normally recommend eating Chicken Piccata on paper plates, it’ll have to do. We’ll feed the nurses with whatever food is left over.
I smile when I enter the room and see the gigantic arrangement of white lilies I had sent over this morning. When I told the florist that the flowers were for my friend in the hospital who was dying, he reprimanded me for sending this type of flower. The flower used at funerals. He asked if I was playing a sick joke on her. I assured him they were her favorite. He didn’t need to know more. He didn’t need to know about the lilies and Bean. He wouldn’t understand. Nobody else does.
I study Erin and see that she looks pensive today. I wonder if she’s told me everything. Is she already having some of those symptoms that would indicate her progression is farther along than she let us believe? She looks between Griffin and me like she wants to say something. Maybe she’s waiting for the right time. Maybe it’s just not now, while we’re going over the bucket list she made last night.
We laughed when I walked in the room and we handed each other a piece of paper with similar intentions written upon them. To cram as much fun into her last weeks as possible. Okay, so Erin’s list may be a little less pretentious and wild than the one Baylor and I came up with.
Erin’s list consists of things such as giving money to the less fortunate, sending an anonymous gift to someone in need and having a picnic in Central Park. I peruse the list, wondering how we can make some or all of these things happen. “Who’s Mr. Segal?” I ask, referring to line item number four on her list.
“He was my ninth grade English teacher.” She smiles as she talks about him and I can tell he’s important to her. I silently promise to go to the ends of the earth to find him. “I became a teacher because of him. He showed me how much fun learning could be. He never raised his voice. He never got mad, he merely came up with ways to reach each student individually rather than bundle us all together, assuming we’d all learn the same way. I’ve always wanted to thank him.”
I nod my head, continuing to read further down. “Skydiving?” I raise an eyebrow. Erin’s never been an outdoor kind of girl, so this one surprises me.
“I know I can’t really do it. My doctor says I shouldn’t fly or do anything that involves a change in air pressure. So that kind of precludes skydiving and the next thing on the list, seeing the Eiffel Tower. But it’s something I wish I would have done.” She looks me straight in the eyes. “Don’t ever wait to do things, Skylar. Promise me. Don’t ever wait to live your life.”
I pull her into a hug, crinkling the papers we’re holding. “I promise. But you’re not done either. We have a lot to accomplish and we’d better get busy if you really want to—” I look at her list “—ride an elephant?”
Griffin chuckles in the corner of the room. “Have you seen this?” I ask him.
He nods, looking up briefly from his laptop. Then he secretly winks at me and I’m sure at this very second, he’s Googling places to ride elephants within a few hours’ drive. I smile. We’re really doing this.
The next item on her list surprises the hell out of me. “You want to get a tattoo and a body piercing?”
She giggles. “Sure. Why not? Everyone’s doing it.”
I make sure Griffin isn’t listening when I lean close. I don’t want to offend him. “Tattoos are scary, Erin. Who knows where those dirty needles have been.”
She smirks. “It’s not like it’s gonna kill me, Skylar.”
My face falls and I’m sure I pale at her words.
She puts a hand on my arm. “Too soon?” she asks.
“Yeah.” I nod my head. She’s joking about dying. How do you go from finding out you have a terminal brain tumor to joking about it in six short weeks?
“Sorry.” She gives me a sad smile. “Okay, what’s next on my list?”
“Try new, exotic foods,” I read out loud. Bingo! This I can help with. I make a note to call Jorge, our head chef and get him on it. “Sounds reasonable.”
I continue down the list. “Be a brunette?” My brows arch in amusement.
She nods emphatically. “I always wanted to, but my sisters would never let me. They always claimed I had such a unique shade of blonde that I’d be going against nature if I dyed it.” She picks up a lock of her hair and examines it. “Screw nature—it obviously screwed me. I’m doing it. Will you help me?”
“Does your book say anything about pregnant women not being able to dye hair?” I ask.
“I don’t mean for you to dye my hair, Skylar. I meant, will you go with me to the salon?”
“I know what you meant.” I give her my best I’m not stupid look. “I was thinking maybe I’d do it with you—become a brunette. You know, if that’s okay.”
Her smile nearly reaches her sparkling eyes. “Yes!” she shouts. “That’s going to be a hoot. Oh, let’s do it tomorrow. Can we?” Then her eyes roll. “God, I’m being so selfish. Of course you have to work tomorrow. How about on your next day off?”
I sit down on the bed and pin her to her pillow with my stare. I need her to hear this and know I’m serious. “Erin, I’m not going to work tomorrow. In fact, I won’t be working much for a while. I’m here for you whenever, however you need me.”
Her mouth falls open. “But you can’t just—”
“I can and I will. In fact, it’s already been taken care of and there’s nothing you can do or say to change my mind. You’re going to have to get it through that thick head of blonde-for-one-more-day hair that I love you and will be here for you.”
I glance over at Griffin, still pounding away on his laptop and I see him smiling at the words I’ve spoken. He looks up and gives me a nod. We lock eyes briefly. His eyes are filled with thanks. With gratitude. With hope that we can make something nice out of this horrible situation.
I return my eyes to Erin to find her watching us. I momentarily wonder if she misconstrued our brief silent exchange. I swear I wasn’t thinking inappropriate thoughts just now. I open my mouth to explain, but she pulls me close and hands me another piece of paper. There is only one thing written on it. “For your eyes only,” she whispers.
I read the slip of paper. It says ‘Get Griffin and his dad to reunite.’
I lock eyes with her. I know what a falling out they had. His dad left his mom to die while he got drunk on the couch watching reruns of bad TV. He did this horrible thing to Griffin and his mom while she was going through what Erin is going through, yet she wants Griffin to forgive him?
“We’ll need to get started on this right away,” she whispers. She turns over the paper and points to a name and phone number. “Call him for me. Explain things. See if he will meet. I know he will. He’s attempted to contact Griffin in the past, but a few years ago he stopped trying.”
“What are you girls whispering about?” Griffin asks. “You aren’t taking my wife to a strip club, are you?”
Erin and I both laugh. Maybe not a strip club exactly, but Baylor and I did put something on the list just as racy.
“One more,” Erin says. Nodding to the original list she gave me.
My eyes fall to the bottom of her short list. “You want to perform a miracle?” I give her my most incredulous look.
“What?” She innocently shrugs her shoulders. “I can’t skydive either, but I still put it on the list.” She smooths out my list that was crumpled when we hugged. “Okay, now let’s go over yours.” She reads the first thing and tears instantly well in her eyes. “Are you serious? I could never ask Baylor and Gavin for this.”
I shake my head. “It was their idea. They want you to have the experience of watching a child come into the world. They want you to be at the birth of their baby. To hold a newborn just minutes old. I know it’s no replacement for Bean, but . . .”
“Oh, my gosh.” Tears fall into her mouth that is now smiling. “Yes. Yes, tell them yes. And thank you. Tell them thank you. I can’t believe they would do that. What an honor.” She turns to Griffin, prompting my eyes to follow. “Did you hear that, Griff? I’m going to see a baby being born. Can you believe it?”
“That’s incredible.” He draws his lips in, forming a thin line where they meet. His gaze is on my stomach, where his baby grows safe and sound, blissfully unaware of his world changing before he’s even born. Is Griffin, too, wondering about the fate of the child who is being left to deal with later?
It dawns on me that this is the first time I’ve referred to the baby as either sex. A boy. Yes, I think it’s a boy. Suddenly, I can’t wait to find out. Erin needs to know. I make one more mental note to speak to Griffin later.
Erin blushes as she reads the next item on the list. She whispers, “Watch a porn flick, really?”
Griffin laughs out loud behind us. Obviously Erin wasn’t as quiet as she thought in her whisper. It makes me wonder if he heard what she said about his dad, too.
“Yes, really. That’s assuming you haven’t already watched one.”
If her reaction is any indication, I’d say I was spot-on in calling this one. Everyone should see a dirty movie before they die.
She ignores my questioning stare and runs her finger down to the next item on the list. “Stay at . . . what?” She turns to me wide-eyed. “Isn’t that New York’s most expensive hotel?”
I glance over at Griffin. He immediately taps on the keyboard. Yeah, he’s on board with that. Good for him. I guess he really did mean what he said. I look back at Erin and shrug.
“Drink expensive champagne?” she reads. “Oh, we’ve already done that. Griffin had some great stuff at our wedding.”
I look over at him and he rolls his eyes. “Erin, that was forty dollars a bottle. We can do a helluva lot better than that.”
“I don’t want you spending money on me, Griff.” She looks back at me. “You either, Skylar.”
“I don’t think you have much say in the matter,” I tell her. “So best to just sit back and enjoy the ride. You asked us to accept your choices. Now you need to accept ours. We will do what we need to make things happen.” I look her square in the eyes. “Okay?”
I can tell she’s contemplating fighting me on this one. She lets out a huff, but I think it’s only in mock exasperation, just for the sake of principle. “Fine,” she says.
She continues down my list and reads aloud, “Learn to belly dance . . . shoot a gun . . . participate in a flash mob . . . walk a red carpet . . . buy a round of drinks for everyone in a crowded bar. Ooooo, I like that last one. That sounds like fun!”
As we reach the end of both lists, my mind is swimming with ideas that I can’t wait to get home and put into motion. A few of them will take much collaboration. Fortunately between Griffin’s money and both of us having influential friends, I think we might be able to pull some of these off.
“Griffin, I have a favor to ask,” she says.
“Anything, you name it.” He looks up from his laptop ready to give his wife whatever she wants laced in gold and wrapped in silk if that’s how she wants it.
“It’s silly, but I’ve always wanted to sleep on a waterbed. Ever since I was little back when it was the trend. I’d really love it if you could get one set up for us. Today. Before I go home. I’ll be busy getting my scans soon and Skylar can stay with me while you’re gone.”
He closes the laptop and stuffs it into his bag. He strides across the room and gives her a kiss on the lips. “You got it, sweetheart.”
“You okay here?” he asks me.
“Of course. Go,” I tell him. He mouths ‘later?’ motioning between us. Oh, right, we were supposed to meet during her scans. I guess that isn’t going to happen now. I mouth back ‘my place?’ and he nods. Then I pale, thinking about what that must look like. I spin around to see a curt smile on Erin’s face. Relief washes over me that she didn’t catch our exchange and think we were hooking up instead of planning a meeting to go over these lists.
I think about what Baylor told me last night. You’re a good person, Skylar. This is not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I play it over and over in my head. I might even almost believe it. Almost.
Erin pats the bed next to her. “Come sit. Let’s have some girl talk now that he’s gone.”
I raise my eyebrows at her, but sit nonetheless.
“There’s one more thing on my list. Actually, it’s the only thing on my list that even matters. And you are the only person who can help me make it happen.”
“Whatever you need, Erin. I’ll do anything you ask. Just name it.”
She smiles. “I was hoping you’d say that. And I hope you really mean it, because what I’m about to ask you is a tall order.”
“Are you kidding? Don’t even think twice about it. Spit it out already.”
She takes a deep breath and blows it out. She closes her eyes and stretches her neck back. Then she looks at me with the most serious eyes I’ve ever seen. “I want this baby to grow up with two parents, Skylar. All babies need a chance at that. I want him to be in a large family with lots of people around. I want him to be loved and cherished. I want him to have a wonderful life.”
A tear slips from my eye when I think of the picture she’s painting. She can see her baby growing up in a household like she did. She wants that for him. He deserves it. I’ll help her make it happen. I nod at her. “Okay. You want me to help you find the most perfect adoptive parents who ever walked the earth. I can do that. Of course I can do that.”
She smiles at me. “No, Skylar. I already know who I want.” She grabs my hand and holds it tight like I might try to escape from her. “It’s you. You and Griffin. I want you to raise him. I want you to be his parents. I want you to be his family. I want you to love him and cherish him and maybe even give him some siblings down the road.”
“What?” I’m not sure I’m hearing her. I think I know what she’s saying but maybe the cancer has progressed further than we thought and is making her behave strangely. I read about this. “Uh . . . what exactly are you asking?”
“You know what I’m asking, Skylar.” She pulls me closer to her. “I’m asking you to become the family that I’ll never be a part of. I’m asking this completely outrageous and monumental thing of you. I know it’s crazy. I know people will think I’m delusional. But, I’m not. I’ve seen you together. You guys are adorable. I know you are attracted to each other. I know you would never betray me by acting on it. And I know it may be the hardest thing you ever do in your lives, but I’m asking you anyway. Be the parents to the child who already has your blood running through his veins. Find a way to be with Griffin when I’m gone. Find a way to love each other like you both deserve to be loved. I’m asking you to take my husband and make him yours.”
My mouth hangs open. I’m reeling from her request. I’m not sure I can even find any words. She wants me to be with Griffin and raise the baby as our own. She wants us to sleep together and have more babies. She wants me to . . . be his wife?
“You said anything, Skylar. You said you’d do anything for me. I don’t care about all that other stuff. I want you to do this. I need you to do this. I’m dying. I realize it’s petty and cruel, but I’m playing the cancer card. I’m asking you to fulfill my dying wish. I want you to be with Griffin. I want you to marry him and have a family. I want you to live happily ever after. Will you do this for me? Please?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose before massaging my temples. When I’m finally capable of forming words with my mouth, I say, “There are so many things wrong with this, Erin. You must know that. First of all, it’s not only my choice.” I freeze. “Oh my God. Have you talked to Griffin about this?”
She shakes her head. “Not yet. Today though. When he gets back.”
“I didn’t think so.” There is no way he knew anything about this. He will freak out. He’ll freak out worse than I’m freaking out. He’ll want nothing to do with it. He loves her. He’s loved only her. Since . . . forever. We seem to fight whenever we get together. It could never work. “You say you’ve seen us together, but you haven’t. You weren’t even around most of the time we were together. We fight all the time. We practically hate each other, Erin.”
She laughs. “There’s a fine line between love and hate. And sometimes it’s called passion.”
I gasp. “Passion? Is that what you think is between us? You are off your rocker.”
“Are you going to sit there and tell me you haven’t thought about my husband that way?” she asks. “That you’ve never fantasized about him when you were cooking together, or at the ballgame, or out to dinner? The blush on your face right now tells me all I need to know. It’s okay, Skylar. Griffin is hot. He’s nice and genuine and wonderful. And I know he’ll do what I ask. He’ll do anything for me. He’s proven that time and time again. It’s not him I need to convince. It’s you.”
I eye her skeptically. “You’ve been planning this.” I think of all the times over the past month that Griffin and I have been thrown together. All the times Erin didn’t show up, forcing us to be alone. “The dress, the cleavage, the sex toys, the baseball game, the suggestive talks about Griffin’s penis and sexual awesomeness—this was all your plan to get me to fall for him, wasn’t it?”
A tear trails down my face. All this time. It wasn’t my fault. I was being manipulated into falling for a man who was unavailable. Or so I thought. All the guilt I felt over what I was doing to my best friend. I drop her hand and stand up, pushing myself away from the bed. “You bitch! Do you know how guilty I’ve felt over the situations you put me in with him? Do you know how much I hated myself every time I had an inappropriate thought about your husband? How dare you screw with my life like that?”
She’s crying with me now. “I’m sorry. It’s true. Everything you said. But I didn’t know any other way. I had to find out if you were compatible. I had to know if there could ever be something there. I know that there can be, Skylar. And I’m asking you to let there be.”
I feel dirty. Like I need to run home and shower and scrub filth from my flesh. “Doesn’t it make your skin crawl thinking of Griffin with another woman? How can you even suggest it?”
“Yes, of course it does,” she says. “Don’t you think if I had my way that none of this would even be happening? But I can’t have my way. It’s not about me anymore.” She motions to my belly. “It’s about him. I chose to do this. It was my decision to bring this life into the world. And now I have to do what’s best for him. That means making sure he grows up with loving parents. Parents who are already his biological mom and dad. People who I can trust his precious little life with.”
“I don’t want kids, Erin!” I shout at her. “I was never unclear about that and you know it.”
She shakes her head, allowing another tear to spill over. “You may think that, but I see the way you are with them. With Baylor’s son. With my nieces and nephews. I just think you’ve never let yourself try. You’ve always given them back when they cry or poop or need anything. You’ve never had one of them depend on you for more than a smile and a laugh. But I know you. I know you can do this.”
“What about one of your sisters?” I ask. “I’m sure they would be happy to adopt him. It’s the perfect solution.”
“No, Skylar. He needs to be with his mom and dad. His real mom and dad.”
“But Griffin and I . . . I just can’t.”
“You can. I know you can.”
“You can’t force us together, Erin. Yes, you can ask us to try, but you can’t make us fall in love.”
She looks at me and raises her brow. Does she know? How could she possibly?
“I’ve seen the chemistry between you. You need to understand that when I went into early menopause, I wasn’t exactly the sexual person I used to be when Griffin and I first started having sex in college. I tried to be a good wife and keep him happy. I try to be sexy. But sometimes it’s hard to pretend when your body just doesn’t crave it. He sees you as this fertile, sexual being. I can see it in the way he follows you, stares at you when you’re not watching. You’re carrying his child, and intentional or not, men are ingrained to be attracted to that.”
I can only stare at her, shaking my head.
“Would you prefer the baby grow up without a mother? Because I know Griffin will do it. He’ll be the best single dad he can. For me. But do you really want to burden him with that? You see Mason. You see how hard it is being a single dad. Children are meant to be raised by two parents. I know sometimes that doesn’t always happen, but it doesn’t have to be that way with this baby. You are perfectly capable of giving him a wonderful life. You are perfectly capable of loving Griffin and making a family.
“You know how much I believe in fate. Things happen for a reason. I’m here to bring you and the baby together with Griffin. You have to allow me to do that. Otherwise, my life will be in vain.”
I narrow my eyes at her ridiculous statement. “Is that what you really think? That your fate was to die young and give your husband and child to another woman?”
“No. My fate is to be that precious baby’s guardian angel forever. And I’m starting right now. Please, Skylar. It’s my one dying wish. Do this for me. For him.” She points to my belly.
I pick up my coat off the chair. “I can’t . . . I have to go.” I head for the door and without turning around to face her, I say, “I’ll call Baylor or one of your sisters to come sit with you until Griffin gets back.”
Then I walk out of her room. I walk down the hallway and get into the elevator. I ride it down and head for the entrance. My stomach churns. I know what that means and I run for the nearest bathroom only to make it as far as the sink before I lose my helping of Chicken Piccata.
I wipe my mouth and stare in the mirror. What’s happening? This can’t be happening. All this time, I’ve wanted him. I’ve wanted what she has. I’ve even envisioned myself in her place. In her life. And now, she’s handing it to me on a goddamn silver platter. She wants me to live her life. Be her. Raise her kid. Fuck her husband.
And there’s only one thing running through my mind at this moment. Something my dad used to say when I was young.
Be careful what you wish for.