CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Karlie
“Mom, I don’t know,” I said helplessly. “I just don’t know.”
“What don’t you know?” asked Karla, her voice pleading. “Why haven’t you applied to school? Are you not going to college at all now?”
“It’s not that,” I said helplessly, “it’s just that ….” My voice trailed off.
“Just what?” asked my mom.
I didn’t know what to say, how I’d been in a relationship with my stepbrothers, how conflicted I was about that relationship now.
“The last couple months have been tough, okay?” I said quietly. “I’ve never been in the public eye like this before.”
“I know honey, I know,” said Karla, her voice sympathetic suddenly. “The NCAA panel was tough, the testimony in front of everyone, having your private affairs dragged out into the open, it’s not easy, trust me I know.”
But she didn’t even realize half of it. Karla didn’t know that I’d been sleeping with my brothers, that they’d beat up Jimmy Long, and I didn’t want to mention it either. But how to end this conversation on a good note? I didn’t want to let her know the real reason for my hesitance, how I’d retreated into a shell just to think things over. It was a time to reflect and be still, to sink into myself for a while, to avoid the scrutiny of the world.
But Karla was worried. Usually I’m out and about, capturing the action, maybe not the star of the show but I’m definitely there, participating in my own way. Lately, I’ve just been holed up, the boys gone at pre-season training camp, alone in my wing of the house. Karla had cornered me in the kitchen, catching me on one of my rare forays downstairs to grab some food. I still had to eat to survive after all.
But Mom was concerned I could tell, those red nails tapping against the kitchen counter reflexively, a steady drumbeat of worry for her only child.
“Listen Ma, I’ll be okay,” I reassured her, sipping my coffee. These days I was downing caffeine like a thirsty woman stranded in the desert. It’s odd, I know, most people with anxiety are warned away from caffeine, but I needed to stay awake because sleep only brought dreams … filled with thoughts of my brothers.
“Karlie, trust me, I know a lot more than you think,” said my mom.
“Yes, Ma,” I said patiently. “But I don’t want to bother you with my problems, you and Jerry are so in love.”
“That’s true, honey, but we’re not so in love that we didn’t notice,” she said slowly. “I know we haven’t been the most attentive parents of late, we left the three of you to your own devices, but I still had one eye open and I saw how you looked at the twins.”
My face flushed. Oh god, this was like my worst nightmare come true. My mom had noticed that I had a crush on the twins? I prayed no but suspected the answer was yes.
“It’s natural for a young girl to be attracted to dominant men,” said my mom slowly. “After all, the boys are just like their father, alpha males, natural-born leaders, magnetic and inspiring.”
That was definitely how I’d describe Colt and Cain. Whether that applied to Jerry, I wasn’t sure, but I nodded, listening still.
“The thing is, you, Colt and Cain didn’t grow up together, so they’re no different from any other boys you’d meet at school,” said my mom. I flushed again, the fact that we were talking about this so embarrassing. But my mom continued.
“They are some boundaries that should never be crossed, after all human beings have these taboos to prevent all sorts of problems,” said my mom. “Take for example the Egyptian pharaohs. Brothers married sisters, and allegedly genetic defects were rampant, stillbirths and miscarriages happened all the time, not to mention adults with severe mental and physical disabilities.”
I nodded, my heart in my throat. I’d done some reading about Amenhotep I, who was the result of three generations of inbreeding. The poor pharaoh had suffered from all sorts of impairments, from feminine hips to a cleft palate, not to mention mental defects which were undetectible from mummy reconstruction.
But my mom was demonstrating a rare amount of intuition and insight.
“Colt and Cain aren’t that,” she said forcefully. “They were strangers to you until a few months back, when we introduced you at the house,” she said, “and it’s natural to develop feelings. I know seeing them on trial wasn’t easy for you, it was like watching a boyfriend take a beating.”
And this is when I had to step in.
“Mom,” I said slowly, “that’s the thing, Colt, Cain and I … well, we were dating,” I said. “For real,” I emphasized. “We knew it was crossing boundaries but it felt so right and,” I sighed, gesturing helplessly with my hands, “we went with it. I slept with my stepbrothers, Ma, and everything that goes with it.”
Instead of being shocked, my mom nodded knowingly, albeit a little hesitant.
“We’d guessed as such,” she said. “Jerry and I. We knew putting a pretty girl in the proximity of two males, it’d probably cause some excitement.”
“Then why’d you do it?” I asked, genuine astonishment entering my voice. “If you thought I’d be attracted to my steps, why place me in their vicinity?”
My mom was silent for a second.
“I didn’t know it’d go so far, I suppose,” she confessed anxiously. “I was worried about you Karlie, you didn’t seem to be developing as fast as other girls, you never went out on dates,” she rushed. “I figured maybe the boys would take you under their wing, show you around in the few months you’d have together before college. If you developed a light crush, then so what?” she said rhetorically, “I didn’t think it’d snowball into this.”
“You mean, you didn’t think I’d be sleeping with them,” I said, direct and to the point. No point in beating around the bush any longer.
“Definitely not,” said my mom emphatically. “I mean, had you ever slept with a boy before this Karlie? At least to my knowledge you hadn’t, and you were always dressed in those baggy black clothes, I didn’t think any guys would ask you out either.” That stung, but I could see the logic in it. “Colt and Cain, I thought maybe they could turn you around, help you be more social,” continued my mother.
Again, I could see my mother’s reasoning, but it still hurt. My mom’s faith in my social skills was so low.
“Mom, I know I wasn’t popular per se,” I defended myself, “but I still got out, I was always on the yearbook staff, I had a few friends and I was developing at my own pace. Wasn’t that enough?”
“Of course it’s enough, honey, I just thought I’d give you a little boost, a push in the right direction. Again baby, I never expected that you’d start dating your brothers, that you’d fall in love.”
And that took me aback because my mom’s skills of perception were more acute than I’d thought. She’d used the “L” world and wasn’t brushing this off as a summer fling or puppy love. Instead she was acknowledging it as the real thing, something valuable that I’d lost, the twins’ absence penetrating deep into my heart.
And that was the thing. Was I mourning a lost relationship? The thought made my soul crumple, I loved them so much and I couldn’t quite believe everything that had happened. But it was still difficult to process the magnitude of their actions, the pain they’d inflicted, the fact that they were ruthless in a way completely foreign to me.
Karla stepped in again with her thoughts, which were curiously apt.
“Honey, no man is perfect,” she said slowly. “I know you’ve been thinking things over, that you haven’t been communicating with Colt and Cain.”
“How do you know?” I said swiftly. “Have you been monitoring my cell usage?”
It was possible, my bills went to Jerry and he could probably see which numbers I called.
But it was a lot less threatening than that.
“Of course not, honey,” laughed my mom. “It’s because Colt and Cain have been talking to their dad, and he told me that they miss you, that you never reach out to them anymore.”
I gasped. So the extent of our relationship was completely obvious to our parents? Even Jerry knew of the tangled bonds between the twins and I, that we were engaged in a ménage?
And my mom nodded, as if hearing my silent question.
“We’re parents honey, we know a lot more than what you think … or what you’d like to think,” she said with a nod.
I took a deep breath, still shocked but relieved as well. I’d been navigating these choppy waters alone, with no one to bounce my thoughts off of, but maybe I had an ally here.
“But Mom, aren’t you worried that I’m in a threesome? Aren’t you worried about the negative blowback when people realize that I’m dating my brothers, plural?”
That made Karla laugh.
“Honey, one thing I’ve learned from being married to Jerry is that only you and him matter,” she said. “Or in this case, you and them. Don’t let other people get you down because there will always be people who try to drag you underwater.”
“I know Ma, haters gonna hate, but it would be especially bad if people found out about Colt, Cain and I,” I said slowly. “It’s a double-whammy after all. Twins dating their stepsister? It’s pretty shocking, you have to admit.”
“Yes honey, but like they say, ‘everything will pass,’” she responded seriously. “Take me, for instance. You think that there hasn’t been a ton of gossip over my marriage to Jerry? Billionaire CEO takes up with his decades-younger secretary? It’s fuel for the fire, and plenty of people said nasty things, but Jerry and I, we just stood firm. Our love is real, and that’s all that counted.”
That was food for thought. I hadn’t really paid attention to my mom’s life recently, I was so caught up with the twins, completely immersed in my own world. But yeah, I could see how what she was saying was true. The press had probably been unkind to my mom, depicting her as some kind of Salome doing the dance of the Seven Veils in Jerry’s office.
But my problems went further than that.
“Mom, has Jerry ever done anything that you find … unpalatable?” I said, choking a little. “Like really off-putting? To the point where you don’t want to be with him anymore?”
My mom thought for a moment.
“Honey, I was Jerry’s secretary before we got married, I see everything he does in business,” she said. “He didn’t get to where he is without slitting some throats.”
Yeah, I could see how that could be true.
“But Mom,” I pressed. “What about things that you find despicable? Like you might not be able to live with it.”
“Baby,” said my mom, taking a deep breath. “Jerry has engaged in some borderline business actions, things that might qualify as tax evasion, even breach of contract if you analyzed it closely. But the thing is he always knows how to get himself out of a jam. Why, is something bothering you?”
And I let it all spill out, the dancing, the fact that Jimmy Long had lied during the trial, the fact that Colt and Cain had beat him, forcing him to change his story, how I wasn’t sure if I could live with the twins knowing about their sheer ferocity, the violence they were capable of.
My mom was silent.
“That’s a big one honey,” she said slowly, “I can see why you’ve been hiding for a while. No wonder you didn’t want to walk at graduation,” she mused. “It’s been like a pressure cooker for you, hasn’t it?”
And I nodded tearfully.
“I don’t know what to do, Mom,” I said in a quiet voice, looking down at my hands. “I love them so much but I’m scared. If they could do that to a man, what else are they capable of?”
I expected Karla to toss off some answer from the top of her head, but she surprised me again with her thoughtfulness.
“Honey, no one can tell you what’s wrong and what’s right in this case. You have to let your heart guide you, let it tell you where to go next. The boys … they’re waiting, they told their dad that they want you to matriculate at State next year with them, but don’t let that sway you from your own deep thinking. It’s the only way to find contentment, honey … with yourself.”
And I realized that despite her reputation as a floozy, my mom was actually deeply perceptive, with a lot of insight into the world. Because it was true. I could only find happiness if I settled the score with myself first.
“Thanks Ma, I appreciate it,” I said gratefully, reaching out for a hug. It’d been so long since I’d touched her at all that it was almost foreign, but it felt good. A mother’s arms can be strangely soothing, especially when you’re hurting.
“No problem, sweetheart,” she said. “Now,” she encouraged with a wink, “go and fill out some college applications. No matter what happens between you and your brothers, you should still go to school.”
And I knew she was right. I wanted to invest in myself … and that began with an education.