Chapter Fourteen
THEY DROVE BACK to the cabin in silence. Stella was lost in a private, torturous battle. She thought she could allow herself to love Logan. She felt everything he felt. When he was making love to her, claiming her with all his might and passion, she wanted to tell him she loved him, too. There was no denying their powerful connection. But she couldn’t deny that tomorrow would leave her only twenty-four hours before Kutcher was out of jail again, and she refused to let Logan love her when she might not be around to love.
She felt Logan’s eyes on her as she stared out the window into the darkness. She couldn’t muster the courage to look at him. He read her better than anyone had ever read her in her life. He knew when she needed to be held, when to let her cry, when to love her hard. She knew he loved her because she felt it in every touch, every kiss, saw it in every look. With Logan she could be herself without any masks or costumes, without any false bravado. With Logan she felt whole, but that wasn’t fair to him.
When he parked at the cabin, she rushed out her door so he couldn’t open it for her. She knew she’d have to look into his eyes, and she couldn’t bear to see the sadness that had gathered there when he’d climbed into the truck at the restaurant. If she did, she’d fall into their love and forget who she was again, and that was too dangerous. Not the person she used to be, the one Logan was quickly unveiling, but the person she’d been for the past few months. The ruined girl. Kutcher’s prey.
He didn’t reach for her as he strode up the steps. The rounding of his shoulders told of his sorrow. How did she have the power to crush such a strong man? More importantly, how would she survive another day when her own heart was shattering inside her chest? Maybe she’d get lucky and die of a broken heart. That was preferable to dying at the hands of Kutcher.
Logan tossed his keys on the counter and sank into a chair without turning on the lights.
Good.
Darkness was a mask.
She needed a full-on costume to get through tonight.
He ran both hands through his hair and tipped his head back with a sigh.
Stella didn’t know what to do, where to sit, where to stand. Her legs felt like lead, and she felt broken.
“I know I’m not being fair to you.” She hadn’t planned the words, but they came as if she had, with an air of truth. When Logan didn’t open his eyes or look in her direction, she continued. “You’ve turned your life inside out for me, Logan, and you’ve been so good to me.” Too good to me.
He crossed his arms, knees spread wide, and dropped his chin to his chest, setting a piercing stare on the coffee table.
She wanted him to turn those eyes on her. How could she miss what wasn’t hers? She was the one pushing him away, and she wanted desperately to see him smile again, to see the fire in his eyes that had been there for the past two days.
Instead, she was answered with silence and a clenched jaw.
She swallowed the urge to hide beneath the blankets in the other bedroom and hunker down for a long, cold winter like a bear in the woods.
“I dropped my guard, Logan.” Her voice sounded fragile. An hour ago it would have drawn him to his feet and he’d have taken her in his arms and told her that everything would be okay. But he’d bared his soul and she’d turned her back on him. The realization made her weak. She sank onto the couch on the opposite side of the room.
“I allowed myself to get too close to you, but that isn’t fair, and I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that.” Stella fought the urge to push aside what could happen and apologize to Logan. To give herself up to him completely. To lie beneath him and let him love her heart back into one piece. To curl up in his arms, borrow his strength, believe his words, and allow herself to be loved the way she used to hope to be loved—the way she’d allowed herself to dream about being loved by Logan. The picket-fence type of love.
“What was that in the restaurant, Stella? Were you just fucking another guy? Because you told me that wasn’t who you were.” His voice was dead calm, but his words cut like a knife.
“No. I swear, Logan. I felt everything you felt.”
Logan fell into silence again, his jaw working over her words.
“Don’t you see? I let myself pretend. I got carried away with my feelings for you and the safety I’ve been feeling, and I let myself hope. Hope is a dangerous thing. I allowed myself to forget who I was, what my life was really like. There were times today when I felt normal.”
She scoffed at her stupidity. “Normal. Like I could live in that friendly little town and not fear for my life. Like I could be friends with people like Willow and Bridgette and maybe one day have a family of my own.”
She pressed her fist to the pain in her chest, which was burning hotter with every admission.
“I can’t do those things, Logan. Kutcher will get out of jail and he’ll track me down. And this time he’ll probably kill me.” Trembling began in her limbs. She choked on her admission. “He…He stabbed me, Logan. Twice. He’s not going to quit. He’s going to hunt me down until I’m out of his way, and you of all people don’t deserve to live like this. You’re a good, honest, kind, loving man. You deserve a woman whose life isn’t fucked up beyond repair. A woman who knows that in two days she’ll still be alive and able to live a normal life.”
He rose to his feet. When he tilted his chin in her direction, his features turned to stone. “You don’t need to have hope, Stella. Hope’s for people who can’t do a damn thing to make their life better. All you need is to have faith in me.” He took a step toward his bedroom, then stopped and spoke with his back to her.
“I’m having dinner with my family tomorrow night. You’re coming with me. It’s not a request or an option. It’s what you’re doing so I can keep you safe. You don’t have to let me love you. You don’t even have to like me. But I’m seeing this through. I’m keeping you safe. Once we know Kutcher’s remaining behind bars, you’ll get your life back. Whatever life you choose.”
He disappeared into his bedroom. Dinner with his family? He was having dinner with his family and she was supposed to go with him? What about Kutcher? What if Kanets didn’t talk? What if Kutcher hired someone to hurt her instead of doing it himself? No, she couldn’t even let herself think about that now. It was one thing to facilitate drug sales while he was in jail, but another to hire someone to kill her.
She really was losing her mind.
And now she’d lost Logan, too.